Numbing pain with remedies unwise
Trying to forget
the past of lies

Going through day to day life
Such a battle,
so much strife.

Climbing out of bed
whispering
"you can do it, you're not dead"

Wanting with super might
to yell and cry
managing to mumble and sigh.

Resigned to the way
life seems to be:
Struggling; a vessel of empty

But each step taken
even with the ache'n
Is another foot forward
In the direction of hope; toward.

Each day gets better
don't stumble now
lighter as a feather.

I wonder if going all in is a decision
you think about
plan about
dream about

But I know it's not
when you're consistently
cash broke
out of luck
or out of time

You keep saying you'll get a big break
but I wonder if you would ever
apply yourself
save yourself
plan for yourself

Simply put;
You cannot keep running into things headfirst
and then complain
that your head
hurts.

Inhaling smoke into tarry lungs
Exhaling poison.
Drinking alcohol to numb the agony
Setting fire to a scarred esophagus.
Selfish to a fault
Its always about the big ME.
Doing favors and expecting
to get something out of it.
Ignoring the small and weak.

I've seen the worst of humanity.
I looked in the mirror and it reflected back to me.

Breaking into pieces and trying to super glue the parts together
Being twisted and damaged and acidic corrosion
Getting a welder's mask and tools
To melt the pieces together
And nothing is the same, forever.

Smiling gently
snow is falling
heart is breaking
for Christmases of old.
Times are changing
World is older
souls are merging.
Warm fires
bright eyes.
Warm fires,
bright eyes.
Couples dancing
families gather
the lonely watch.

I was settled for in my relationship and he loves me, he loves me.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm second best, and he loves me, he loves me.
He looks at me but I'm not the prettiest, but he loves me, he loves me.
I know in my heart that he loves me, he loves me.
But I'll always know deep in my soul, I was settled for.

I miss the way I could laugh carefree.
The way smiles used to light up my face.
But when I glance at him,
I see he struggles to do the same
and occasionally we will laugh together
and our smiles make the room seem brighter
and for a moment we're weightless.

And in those moments
my hearts swells to capacity
with love for this man
who can make me feel like I used to
by just looking into my eyes.

We see the depths of each other's souls
and find that we are equal
and always have been,
in this life and the next.

Someone once asked me to write a poem
just for them,
And I smiled sadly, and asked for heart break.

To the people I've left behind...
I'm sorry and
I hope against hope, that we meet again.

It's been a hell of a journey
Pitfalls along the way
And days I thought
Spiraling downwards was the only way.

Turning away from good friends
Committing my sins
Only numbing the pains
As the pain only gained.

I wonder as I wonder
If I had it all wrong
Climbing upwards
And falling backwards.

I'm sorry and
I hope against hope, that we meet again.

Some say I'm obsessed with the night
and I, I say they are right.
I used to be afraid of the dark
the full moon
I used to be a huge horror fan
and well, I still am.
But I grew out of those childish fears
and now I see the wonder
as I gaze upon the stars
and adolescent angst
makes the night feel akin
to the dark thoughts
but as we mature
we realize that the night
is just the prelude to
a beautiful dawn
a new day
a new start
and the glory
of a beautiful sunrise
seen through introspective eyes
and even as I type
an essence of my thought
is lost
or simply kept
as I heard it put in another poem
and it resonated with me
like thunder on a dark
and stormy night
I used to feel afraid of the thunder
even though mom
would say lightning is something more
rational to be afraid of
but she couldn't hear the monsters
in the thunder that were out to get me
now thunder is calming
as I realize that there
are more worrisome noises
in day-to-day life
Going back to the night
as I sit outside
and tears stream down my face
as my eyes look into outer space
and I realize I'm just a speck
in this greater place
just floating on a rock
moving to and fro
like the waves that
crash shore to shore.
But we are all universes
with our thoughts
and even as I type this an essence
is kept
and lost.
Some say I'm obsessed with the night
and I, I say they are right.

Something about the way your eyes sparkle
when you say you love me
tells me that we always meet
at the wrong time for one another.
That our love orbits
but can never be too close.
Always just missing each other.

At the precise moment our eyes lock
we get pulled away; the tides are just too strong.
Never can we ever be more than just friends.
A love like ours can only destroy
and we are too scared
to take a chance
that we are the best way to destroy each other,
if destroying is what we desire.

Love recognizes nothing but love.
Pain be ******.

We are electric
     from the first drunken kiss.
Passion's flaring
     on our first night's bliss.

We are steady
     falling asleep in a lover's embrace
Worries dying
     we've found comfort in this place

His body next to mine.
Full of bliss; feeling sublime.

Can we be lovers if we hate one another?
Love and hate, closer than you think
Stemming from passion and passion's all I've needed.

So, slam me on the bed,
Rip these clothes to shreds.
You hate me so good.

Yank my hair
Leave me gasping for air.
You hate me so good.

Can we be lovers if we hate one another?
And the answer is yes,
It's always ever been, yes.

Last night, I met up with an old friend.

Last night, I saw the stars, closer than they've ever been.

Last night, I felt each hot breath and shuddered in delight.

Last night, I met up with an old friend.

Love is sweet, love is kind.
Love is torture, love is blind

Words used to fall
From this mind of mine,
Flowing, gushing,
Waterfalls of inspiration.

Gardens used to bloom
From the ink that anointed
Many pages.
Like April showers bringing May flowers.

But lately I'm more like October
Bringing death and decay
Slowly fermenting to cold December.

The nighttime never bothered her
It went hand in hand with solitude
When solitude was a friend.

Cold breezes
   Dewey feet
     Star-filled eyes

The nighttime never bothered her
Until the magic was snuffed out
With one lustful shout.

Frigid winds
  Numb feet
    Lifeless eyes.

One day
I'll be smart enough
To stay
Far, far, away

From destructive foes
But snow is pretty
Until it snows and snows and snows.

Fires burning
Old wooden homes
But the house is me.
And I hate to stay.
And I hate to stay.

Hold me close
Never let me go
Till sun comes up
Before it's too cold

Don't shy away
From the burning flames
As passion consumes,
Destroys, and leaves hate

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones
Bouncing around my ribcage;
The only place I've felt at home.
This intruder destroying the walls of my heart.
Debris falling like lead to the pit of my stomach.


The dizzying lights
And astounding heights.
Falling through space,
Seeing his face.

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones
Shaking around inside my skull
Voiding every thought, zeroed and null.
In a crowd of people, feeling alone.
Each breath of cool air, through every pore.

The dizzying lights
And astounding heights.
Falling through space,
Seeing his face.

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones.
And I wonder,
Where is my home?
As I slept, I wondered,
Where is my home?

Let's get drunk off cheap wine.
Make out under the stars.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

I worship the taste of my lover.
Soak up the sweat from his skin.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Singing praises that sound like moans.
Sighing his name, scarring his back.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Laying claim to the blessings.
Anointed by hot breath.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Some would call this sin.
Some would condemn, but I'm
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Do you know who I am outside of church?
There's life amidst death after all.
I'm not a scholar.
I'm not a saint.
And I'll admit
I've professed stupid things,
All in your name.

I catch myself thinking
About the sparkle in his eyes
As he pulls me closer
And I just sigh.

I catch myself thinking
About the way his thumb
Caresses my palm
As we sit in the silence
Of my deafening pulse.

I catch myself thinking
About the way we laugh
After staring at one another
And the butterflies
My pounding heart
And widened eyes.

There's a fine line
Between love and hate.

And I love the way
He hates me.

I went to our place.
It was rainy.
It was cold.
It smelled of peaches;
the thing you thought of,
when you thought of first kisses.

I went to our place.
It was rainy.
It was cold.
It's funny how fast
that peach can mold.

She is emptiness.
She is disappointment
and cigarettes
hiding under breathe mints.
She is hollow
and resentment resounds,
reverberating,
and vibrating
her core.
She is anger
and grief.
She is mourning
and sorrow.
She is hopeless
nothing to look forward to,
not even the promise of tomorrow.
She is loneliness
and guilt
for letting perfect love
just sit there and wilt.
She is the morning after
a night of alcohol.
She is the memories
she desperately tries
to drown in another
cacophony of music
and sounds.
She is depression
that she tries to throw to the wind
as she throws another handful of pills
down her mouth.
She is hate
and it eats away
until there isn't much left
to say.
She is you.
She is me.
She is everyone
but no one.
She is.

I'll write you a poem
when you break my heart into pieces.

I'll write you a poem
when you leave and ruin me.

I'll write you a poem
I want my heart good and broken.

Use me like a rag doll

and I'll write beautiful
and bittersweet
words.

"Not all who wander
are lost"
Yet still, I wonder
where am I
and where are we going?

But I know where I am
I'm in a library,
sipping a coffee
lost in my thoughts

Any of which range
from "what's for dinner?"
to "why am I here?"
Ranging from shallow
to deep.

My mind making
leap to leap.
Leaving me confused
and wondering,
Where am I
and where are we going?

I no longer hate the areas
you used to criticize.
My arms. Stomach.
Hair and my thighs.

I no longer get sick
when I stare deep
into my eyes.

The shape of my face
to the curves from my hips
feels like a poem
that fell from a great poet's lips.

I sing all the time because your words
can't hold me down
won't hold me down

and I smile too,
makes no sense to frown.
My body is glorious
who cares if it's vain.

3am the Enemy
3am the demons come out to play
coursing through the soul
the heart- it’s prey
The mind- the playground
monkey bars
and jungle gyms
a place where ‘what-if’s’
hang and linger
the air is pungent
and regret permeates
the night humidity
all but makes the stench lesser
putrid like rotting garbage
like the doll you
had to keep you safe
as a little child
that since should’ve been thrown
away
years ago.
the haven for mold
and dust mites
and other things toxic
3am
human’s one true
enemy.

The crickets serenaded her
and she danced in the moonlight
a slow waltz
savoring the feeling
of the dew drops.
Bare foot and free
she sings a soft melody
with the owl
in the pine tree.
The moon guiding her
safe and sound.
She danced.
She was free.

Trees loom in the shadows.
Forbidding and threatening.
It reeks of 3am.
The animals hush their cooing.
The cars drive a little slower.
The rain is a bit colder.
It pierces the skin.
Each drop an ice dagger.
The sounds all around.
Enormous in weight.
The silent screams out.
The shadows come out to play.
Monsters and demons
make homes in the hearts
of the lonely still awake.
Of the poet
who feels 3am
as a kindred spirit.
Who knows lonliness in the pits
of his stomach.
He swallows sadness
and mashes his pillow
fighting the urge
to just cradle it to his chest.
It reminds him of
the eternal her
The girl who loved nighttime
who craved the cool dew
of the sleeping grass
under her barefeet
as she waltzed under the moonlight
with owls hooting
their sweet lullaby.
She swayed and danced
light as feathers
and she always danced
in his mind.
And she always danced
in his mind.

Love the girl who can't love herself
love the girl
              so that she can learn to love herself
love the girl
              and in time she'll learn to love you too
love the girl
              your strength is her vitality
love the girl
              it'll be worth it, be patient
love the girl
              and she won't leave you
                                             I swear I won't leave you
so, love the girl.
Love the girl who can't love herself.

His love songs made her sigh.
His intent made her cry.

I am waiting for
That one day where time doesn't stand still
when your name falls from my lips
the day where your name won't fall from this mouth.
I'm waiting for the memories to lose their power
and the places to purge the image of us.
The day I'm living for
is that day
when I hear your name
and I won't feel a thing.
I'm waiting for the pain to dull
and for someone, something
to take your place.
I'm hoping for a savior,
praying for reprieve.
I'm waiting
just waiting.
There was so little from the start,
but my patience is waning
and it's wearing on my heart.

Hello? Oh hi! How are you?
Indistinct mumbling
static crackles
as her face falls,
you can see how the news
affects her,
she seems smaller
and you can hear the sound
of crushed hopes
and dashed dreams
reverberating in her ears
as the blood roars
and her pulse pounds at a sickening
pace.
Well that is... Great to hear... Why did you call?
This question
hung in the air
and clung to her fear
that maybe he never really cared..
You can feel the weight of
broken promises
as it permeates the air.
I'm really glad you are happy
Then a click of the phone
and a scent of despair.
You can feel that she has
aged,
a dozen lifetimes
as she whispers into nothing
a bittersweet
Good-bye

I'm sorry that I never measure up
to you
to society.
Maybe if I had longer hair,
skinnier thighs.
Then, maybe then,
I would look good in your eyes.
If I modeled myself after
everything,
yes, everything,
because you can't really call
the carbon copy
plastic
crayon-riddled
barbies
an adjective that would make them
sound human.
Sometimes I wish
I was good at mimicking
society and perfection
just so I could get
a little bit of your
so-called affection
But maybe I was born
to be different
and that just means
I was born
to be
*alone

Take Note..
(This is how a heart breaks)
It starts with a look
leading to hand-holding
and light conversation
     (with an underlying current of something deeper)
Cold nights fast approach
and body holding
and murmurs of sweet nothings,
just reveling in the warmth
     (and something warmer)
Blazing furiously, a passionate
burning and consuming
like fire to an old wooden house
     (but that house is you)
Forgetting each other
blinded by the lies of forever
never, ever questioning
     (but of course, it doesn't work if you can see)
Then weeks transform into month
slower than molasses on a cold day
drifting, little by little
     (but so little you never know)
Hand-in-hand walking starts to feel different
'til that one day, 'til you reach that one day
where everything subsides
      (no reason, no rhyme, a thorough good-bye)
Walking away
you must never look back
never knowing how tears could form a mask
     (why?)

I've resigned myself to the company
Of my mirror
She's never left me.
        My shadow knows the truth.
The pain I bear is for me alone.
Why would I share?

Turning 18
I don't want cake.
I hunger for change.

When I thought that my heart could shatter no more,
That was when it tore.

I pick up my pen
intent on the drain.
I write 'til my fingers bleed.
I write 'til my wrist is numb.
With the pain of cramping
at the joints,
keeping my mind on point,
draining the pain
to anoint the page,
with the curse of living, again and again
with nothing left to gain.
Emptying my heart.
Draining my pen.

Traces of you linger
Scents, Sights, Places; Triggers
I can still taste your sweet breath.
I can still feel the ghost of the butterflies;
The haunting only your face brings.
Whispers of memory.
Tears have worn broken trails
down my face
crashing into the place
the eroded space
of my heaving chest.
Shallow breathing of a
heart, half beating.
The instinct to survive
hanging on by tiny thread.
One more memory
will send me over the edge.
I'm at the ledge,
I'm at the ledge
Toes hanging over.
Just a nudge.
*Just a nudge

It's late
    I should be sleeping
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
3 A.M. came and went
    I've never felt more spent
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Losing weight
    but gaining in the bags under my eyes
        and baggage in my thoughts
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Can't eat
    But I eat anyway
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Stuff my face
    Purge my sins
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
My weary brain
    my downtrodden heart
        It takes everything just to start
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)