you made me a cake from a box  
added the ingredients and mixed it all up
set the timer and watched to make sure it didn’t burn
took it out and let it cool
then covered it with bright pink icing
then scattered sprinkles on top
you made me something sweet
because you’re not

the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings

I don’t want to get up anymore
I don’t want to leave my bed
Or my house
Or go to work
Or have to fake it
I’m so tired
I’m
So ******* tired all the time
It’s hard even being awake
I feel bad
I don’t see why mental health isn’t treated like any other type of illness

I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue

Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
Sometimes
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played

what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream

Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow

it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up

My problem is I don’t let people use me anymore
if you don’t understand how that’s a problem
then you’re being used by someone
I refuse to let another human take advantage of my kindness or have some of my energy they do not deserve
even if it’s just a smile or to make them laugh
they do not deserve me
they do not get to use me up just for their own gain
by being so aware
it causes me to become outcast from others often
I feel their energies and vibes so strongly it makes my stomach churn
some people carry darkness around them
but only a few of us can see it
those dark pieces try to soak up any light left in anyone who has enough to take
but oh, when I meet those who shine
they can be so bright they are blinding

I’m so anxious I can’t sleep
I have to get up for work at 4 am
I’m a little light headed
and my stomach hurts
I have a numbing sensation running through my legs to my head
I’m scared
I just want to cry
and scream
and run
and sleep
all at the same time
I’m so ******* uncomfortable right now I am mad
I’m lonely
I don’t want to be alone right now
but I also don’t want to be bothered
My prescription ran out and this is what I get for not getting it filled in time
My anxiety makes me so forgetful and spontaneous

going off on me for expressing my true feelings online
reminds me of when you used to do that in real life
if I ever spoke up when I was sad or angry
you would get so mad you would hit things around you
stomp off and leave
tell me I was crazy
while I was left crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
my eyes welled up red
wondering
if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life

I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am

I have moments where I'm manic
absolutely pathetic
can't stop talking, can't be quiet
can't think clearly unless I'm writing

never notice until it's too late,
how my mind is rushing and my head aches,
every word I say and thing I do
feels just like an endless list of mistakes

I have always lived life like I am blind to the reality of what it really is
it’s only in faint moments do I realize what is actually true
that I’m not as happy as I come off being
it’s not as perfect as I sometimes feel like it is
I’m more sad than I let people know I’m just really good at hiding at this point
people in my life do not really care like I would like to believe
I am actually alone in this world no matter how many people I surround myself with
or who I’m with
I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m lost

Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I am jealous?
Am I depressed?
That life could go from feeling so good to feeling like this?
I am all of these things.
I have wanted so much
and gotten so little
I have gotten so much
and wanted so little
I may never be really happy
I never thought I'd be this messy

You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along

I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along

when you find the one
who makes you feel at home
no matter where you are
who brings you comfort and warmth
with only their prescence
who holds your hand on the couch
and plays with your hair
the one who is there for you when you are at your lowest point
and when you are at your best
the one who is also your friend
and keeps you grounded or encourages your dreams
who calls you beautiful and wonderful and cute because they want to
hold onto that love
and follow your deepest truest feelings
our feelings tell us so much more when we tune in and listen
the universe has a way of always guiding you home

Now I can't breathe
I am wide awake
Going back to sleep is impossible
Help me
Tired eyes and my brain is fuzzy
Maybe I'll think nice thoughts
And that will help me sleep
Really I am trapped in my head
Every night I just have bad dreams

I just go with whatever my mind is telling me to do without thinking twice
and sometimes when it's over, that scares me,
how irrational my brain can be when I'm having a panic attack
my mind blanks and my legs go numb and I feel scared scared scared
for sometimes no reason
I try to not get stressed because stress makes it worse
I haven't had a panic attack in a couple weeks and I thought they were over

someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person

everyone thinks they know me
but they only the version of me that they have instilled in their mind
based off of jokes, or conversation or encounters
there are a hundreds of me out there walking around with all the people I've ever known
assumptions or truth or false information about who I am swirl around me in all the day to day life
all of these versions of me have me mixed in my own cocktail of loneliness
even with all the ME in the world
I still dont even know who I am

I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's

I try to do it all
And not be too ******* myself at the same time
I try to stay in perspective and be a positive person
hope for the best and be a better human everyday
most days I still slip up
I get ugly and harsh and mean
but I'm trying
I want so much
and more for my family and myself
being patient and putting in the efforts is exhausting but I do believe one day it will all just make sense
my stars will align and I'll be proud of myself for doing it
I wanna love like I know he deserves
I want to be the mother I know my son deserves
I want to be true to myself
like I know I deserve

On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it

I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place

I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up

I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

I think I'm just bloated but today I feel fat
my period is probably just going to start soon
maybe that's why when I spotted those dreaded stretch marks between my legs while shaving it totally ruined my day
it's a bad combination of insecurities
flaws I pick and pick at until it drives me insane
my thighs are too thick one day
and the next I feel like showing off my legs
my tummy is too round this week so big shirts it is
I know if I don't eat much for a couple of days I'll be happy when my abdomen sinks back in
but then I'll feel bad that I did that just to feel good about myself again

I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited

there are days where it's like cold rain pours over me
soaking me to the bone
leaving me weighed down and heavy
left to wring out my clothes and my soul with all the energy I have left

when my brain is overcast and I just can't see the sun
you're there to bring the blue back to my eyes and shower me in warmth
leaving me feeling golden
pouring all you can give into me
feeding my roots and helping me bloom,
so that I can be brighter

Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside

Forever is wishful timing,
but I'd spend my life with you
just to find out how long we can make it last
if we are only made up of minutes and seconds like the ticks on a clock,
I'd do anything at all to make those arms turn,
just to keep your hands on me

I didn't ask to be made so sensitive
to have days where words feel like they can bruise me
or looks can cut right through me
I didn't mean to be born with skin as fragile as porcelain
and a heart made of glass
if a small bump can break me,
with one slip I would shatter

If you could just stay around me all of the time
that would be great
carry me when I'm feeling like I can't stand anymore,
hold the weight,
prop me up and shower me in confidence when I can't find any of my own
kiss my bruises
and form me into something beautiful
in your eyes I am always magnificent,
I need more of that in my life

maybe I am guilty of needing you too much
I always said I would never let my soul rely on another,
but
with you it's like breathing,
it's just too easy

Sometimes I can't put down my thoughts the way I wish I could
I feel like my head is blocking my words from escaping
Like it's too hard to express my real feelings anyway
this is normal
I begin to think my life is just so boring and uninteresting that I don't have anything to say
but I have moments where I take a deep breath and let it go slowly and think to myself
"I know I'm just depressed"
and that feeling is hopeless
and I feel helpless
I'll look at my reflection and think to myself
"What am I supposed to do?
Everyday isn't a bad day.
Even if it's not really a good one either."

when I was 18 I went to a funeral for a man I didn't know with the guy I was living with at the time
the body wasn't there
it was supposed to be a celebration of life
this man had no kids
no wife
but he had a brother and a sister left behind
his siblings both went up and made a speech about him
and as tears rolled down their faces and photos flashed behind them on the screen
I lost it
I could imagine what it would be like to be at my own siblings funeral
up at the podium trying to make jokes about their younger years
I sat in this chair trying so hard not to make any noise
choking back tears that I had no idea where they were coming from
I guess I just felt so much empathy for these people that it made me cry with them
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom and let myself cry really hard for 30 seconds and then washed my hands and wiped my eyes and went back out to sit down
everyone knew I had been crying and no one said anything to me about it except my boyfriend at the time who asked
"Why are you crying, you didn't even know him?"
I shook my head and replied
"because they're so sad. I don't know. It made me sad too."

I wonder what we would all do differently if today was our last day
or if this was our last week
our last year
what would we do to make the time worth while?
would I quit my job and see the places I've always dreamed of going to?
or spontaneously marry the man I love?
would I spend every waking second with my son and hold him a little tighter?
tell the people I love just how much they mean to me and tell old friends what a loss they were to my life?
its so easy to think of all the things you would do if you knew your time was up
so why don't we live that way everyday?
as if waking up isn't a gift and life is short and ever changing
we should do all the things that matter and be with the people we cherish and change the things we hate about life and start doing all those things we wish to go do
I'd like to think I'm going to try harder to live like I have no time left

I could cry
I'm exhausted
anxious
lonely
on edge
lately I feel like I've been walking on a mental tightrope
unbalanced and ready to slip at anytime
I keep telling myself I need more sleep
or it's just this birth control in my arm,
but I've told myself these same things since I was 14 years old
and I've slept since then
I've switched birth control since then,
I've still hurt myself since then

lately I walk in to work alone
I go to break and flop down on the bench and light up a cigarette and if I feel like talking I can
or if I don't I can just sit for ten minutes
I get to be just purely me
fresh start, new people, new opportunities
it's actually refreshing to do this on my own this time
I leave work alone
I rush out to my car like I used to in the old days
turn up the volume on the radio to all my ****** songs
roll the windows down
smoke a cigarette
and sit in silence
I've never been happier

hold my breath and count to five
I do this multiple times a day to keep myself from losing it

There are women inside of me screaming to get out