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Nov 2019 · 243
sweet songs
Lavina Akari Nov 2019
weird thinking of sweet 16 me, far away from our meeting yet still dreaming of you
imagining how safe i’ll one day be in your bed, our bed. trying to guess your eye colour and gender. lying in the dark of the night laying on your chest, humming along to your heartbeat whilst you dream next to me. retracing the same lines on your skin a thousand times over. in the dark of the night fumbling through our love.
Aug 2018 · 1.6k
the one before (the one)
Lavina Akari Aug 2018
I feel quite like I was the soulmate
before you met your soulmate.

I was the one who opened your eyes,
I was the one who watered you in hopes you’d flourish.

When damp, just as you sprouted you spat soil in my face and fled, and somewhere along your runaway you met her.
There she was: the sunlight.
                                you blossomed.


I wish I were the one, I wish I was both, but I wasn’t and I won’t be and that’s okay.
We weren’t meant to make it, you two were. and that’s okay
Aug 2017 · 3.2k
bpd pt. 2
Lavina Akari Aug 2017
6/16

it could be good
feeling in extremes when positive
emotions surface.
unfortunately,
my intense emotion is easily influenced
and on this planet
everything good dies quickly

i wish i was good
Aug 2017 · 394
'the beginning'
Lavina Akari Aug 2017
i keep restarting my life,
saying
"this is the new beginning"
when is it the middle?
the end?
when oh when will i be happy enough
with my prolouge that i
don't scrap my efforts and attempt to
restart.
when will i just continue forward?
May 2017 · 4.6k
horror
Lavina Akari May 2017
i can only find the open palms of my demons in that red mist, the ones that once held my face in a much harsher way than you do now. your calloused hands feel like heaven instead of the hell that slept in the creases of their fingerprints. sometimes i fall too close and i see their blackened eyes that replay childhood traumas that i have spent years repressing with self-destructive behaviours and alcohol. your own remind me of the rivers i could drown myself in but i must remind myself that diving in will only give me peace, not death, though it feels like death whenever they're not in my sight. sometimes i think about hurting myself again but then i remember the claws of those monsters and how they can't compare to your nails tickling at my back in the late of the night where theirs would be cutting me open. i don't ever want to be in their grip again. never again. never.
Lavina Akari May 2017
i'm glad you are safe with me. even if you are not loving in my arms,
even if you are not kissing my lips.
alcohol is meant to make others seem more attractive but
it physically isn't possible to make you more beautiful than you already are so you stay the same and whilst everyone
around me gets prettier you are still the most heavenly body i could ever lay my eyes on.

there's nothing that could ever
make me look away again.
i don't know why i ever did.

everyone and everything
in the world
is eclipsed by you.

oh, it is eclipsed by your beauty.
Oct 2016 · 5.4k
Wonder
Lavina Akari Oct 2016
I wonder what it is that I will love the most. Maybe it’s the way you say a certain word, or that one defining feature; your one crooked tooth when the rest are straight, or the fact your eyes cross every time you cough after a draw. Maybe it’s because your mouth tastes like rice milk and your hands smell like lavender, maybe it’s the way you hold me and keep me still when the entire world is spinning. Maybe it’s because you sing all the songs you know keep me calm, or maybe it’s the way your laugh seems to roll around in your mouth and then hit everyone in the room like it’s the bowling ball and we’re the pins. I wonder what you have been through. I wonder what walls you have hit in your life, and which of those you battered through and which you sat and waiting for the bricks to crumble and fall. I wonder what you will think about when we sit in silence, is it about me? Is it about the ocean, or our dinner?
I wonder about a lot of things to do with you, but I do not wonder, nor doubt that I will be uncontrollably and unfaltering-ly in love with you.
Aug 2016 · 2.8k
The Sturgeon
Lavina Akari Aug 2016
18th August

You see me floating over the water, over your home at the lake bed.
Your eyes are closed but I know you can sense me in your slumber.

I’ll be honest with you, as I always am, I always was honest.
I just wanted to know.
I wanted to know why you ***** everything you come across.
Why does everything you touch fuse to you until it begins to rust and rot and fall apart?
Why do the plants you touch wither and die? What poison was scrubbed over your skin at birth that caused you to be the embodiment of misery and death and suffering?

I know you want to love. I can feel the wanting leaking out of you
like sunbeams. I know the warmth in your heart, but I know also
that it is chained and locked inside and your flesh likr frozen metal with poison spikes and anger that hurts like the plague.

I’m leaving in the morning; I’ll be back at night.
I’ll find a way to heal you
and you can give birth to life.
Aug 2016 · 5.2k
anger // patience
Lavina Akari Aug 2016
I read that anger is weakness, and that patience is strength
But it is from anger that I found my strongest self, from blind fury that I learned my fists can break steel and my entire body is made from diamond.
How can patience be strength when every single agony-filled second that drags by I feel myself growing weaker and frailer?
Jul 2016 · 3.4k
The Thunder
Lavina Akari Jul 2016
19th July

Saturns hexagon shaped storm stuffed into a human body.
I open my mouth and the black bellowing thunder
batters everyone in my way into the ground,
gailforce winds stealing their breath to make it mine.

Ferocious tidal waves live in my eyes and
leak from me and fill the room
but i'm already drowning.

My lungs are filled with ***** water and I feel it flooding my veins like poison.
I can feel the bolts of lightning glittering behind my eyes,
stunning those who try to look at me - into me.

I am a complete hurricane in a persons form, a never-ending storm,
a destructive monster crushing and
stomping on everything in the way.
A fusillade of iron bullets shoot from my skin.
I need to drag everyone down with me,
make them bleed with me.
Suffer with me.
Jul 2016 · 1.2k
the inside of my heart
Lavina Akari Jul 2016
broke the windows of my heart to let light in and hoped the golden rays would illuminate the sable chambers and i would be filled with love, not for the manipulative or for the toxic, but for myself
i left someone very manipulative and neglectful last month and it cut strings with multiple toxic people. i'm very happy about that.
Jul 2016 · 357
Untitled
Lavina Akari Jul 2016
i am hollowed bones that are completely pervaded with disease that causes them to be heavy. i've managed to drag my slowly decaying mind and my rotting body out of bed every afternoon but i feel like i'm languishing in some form of purgatory where i died a thousand years ago but my heart, although ridden with misery, is still beating and i've spent an eternity on hands and knees in some attempt to reduce the agony i am in. my suffering seems to imbue some sense of gratitude into those who surround me, for they are lucky they are not a walking corpse with a soul, aren't they?
Jun 2016 · 6.2k
The Strawberry
Lavina Akari Jun 2016
20th June

I have always been very curious
the world is so big and I am so small and
I see it as a good thing because then I have more adventures to go on.
This boundless energy is constantly swirling under my skin
and I often feel like I will take off and fly away.

We were sat in a strawberry field and the sun painted us in gold
and I felt like an angel
and you looked like an angel
and I felt like there was no need to see the beauties of the world anymore because you were the most beautiful thing on this planet.
We can travel this world together, even though I'll always stare at you.
Jun 2016 · 283
real
Lavina Akari Jun 2016
am i alive?
how can i be sure?
i can't feel the earth around me oh god i feel like i'm floating like i'm flying and i can't feel anything around me
pretty sure my heart is beating but i'm going to claw at my chest to try and open my ribs and let my lungs breathe so i know i'm alive
i'm pretty sure i'm real but i'm going to cut myself until i need to go to hospital to double check because
maybe i won't bleed maybe i'm dead i wish i was dead oh how i ******* wish i was dead
Jun 2016 · 245
same
Lavina Akari Jun 2016
i was gasping and choking on *****
and i realised that my suicide was
not to be a pleasant one
it was to be difficult and
it was to be excruciating and
it was to be ugly and
every single second was to be a misery
i was to die feeling the same way i felt
during life
May 2016 · 270
-
Lavina Akari May 2016
-
i try to get to your heart but i am met
only with your vitriolic demons,
they are foaming at the mouth with hatred,
it's almost as if they are guarding you.
who hurt you? tell me their name.
May 2016 · 583
fake
Lavina Akari May 2016
i'll spend my night lying awake staring
at the ceiling waiting for him to message me
but he never does, i knew this anyway
i knew he wouldn't
eventually, after hours of crying and turning
and bleeding, i'll tire myself out and my eyes will close
and, due to my luck, he'll message five minutes later
but he wont reply when i reply
he won't talk after that
he'll tell me he loves me sometimes
just to try and stop me crying
but it doesnt stop me crying
lies do not comfort me anymore
lies do not dry my cheeks
but i'll eat them like my last meal
and then he'll disappear
and i'll leave it until he messages again
and i'll cry and i'll bleed and i'll punch myself
and i'll ignore everything good in the world
because he refuses to experience it with me
he doesn't want to experience it with me
because i am not good. i am worthless
and he knows it
and they know it
and i know it
and i'll imagine myself being ice like i was before
but somehow his embers have burned through me and it's too heated for me to
freeze over again
and i'll lay awake at night waiting for him to message me
but he won't
he doesn't
i knew he wouldn't, i didn't expect anything else
and he'll tell me he loves me
and i'll eat his lies like my last meal
desperately trying to find some form of solace
but i don't
they taste sour
i look at him like he is a diamond
and he looks at me like i am a pebble
and i am so filled with anger
so much fire, i'm not used to fire
i want to be cold again so it will stop hurting
but it won't. it's too hot here
i'll lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how i can become good enough
or even just enough
but it won't work
and i'll cry and bleed
i want him out of my veins
May 2016 · 916
The Flower
Lavina Akari May 2016
21st May

Lying down in fields of flowers whilst the warm Spring sun beats down on me and
warms my skin as if it were
a hug, a kiss, maybe.

The air in my chest is so light and cleans out the dirt left in my lungs from
inhaling false love from those before.
Fresh as a little daisy, a new bud that has blossomed with life and burst at the seams with happiness, elated to be here on Earth.
Alone, but never lonely.

May's rain does not wet me, but wash me, rinses off the past and it soaks into the ground for the flowers to drink.
the thirst for love is over
now that the sun has come.
May 2016 · 519
fire / water
Lavina Akari May 2016
i burned everything i loved trying to keep you warm
i burned everything that mattered because
you said you liked the way the orange and red flames danced together, and that we could dance amidst them, but you'd already found a warmth in their chest.
i thought i was fire and you were gasoline,
but you were water. you were water.
Lavina Akari May 2016
I don't want you to be soft, he said
I want you sharp at every edge
a walking razor blade, with a cold heart
I want to touch you and bleed, he said
I want to chase you for all eternity
and I never want you to turn around and invite me into your arms

I don't want you to be soft, he said
I didn't want you to love me back
I want you to be the ice my embers are trying to melt
I need you to be the December mornings to soothe the burns from my every day life
I need your winter to be harsh and beat me down

I don't want you to be soft, he said
I don't want to feel your love
I don't want your warm spring or your flowers
I don't want to feel your glow
I want to touch you and bleed, he said
I don't want you to be soft.
May 2016 · 261
sacred.
Lavina Akari May 2016
i am sacred, i am a ******* temple and no one is allowed inside of me.
you are not allowed inside of me, be it between my legs or inside my brain. the last time you were inside me you forced poetry down my throat and we fell asleep but when i woke up in the morning choking you were nowhere to be found. you had fled and left me to drown in your lies. my walls are crumbling and i am inside re-plastering my skull and i do not appreciate your nose knocking down my hard work. when i ask for silence i do not expect noise, white noise like flies buzzing around inside my brain driving me insane. i just want silence. when i ask for love i do not expect to be handed a shrivelled and frozen heart and i did not say you could rip my beating pump from my chest. i did not want us to swap so you could go and love someone else and i was stuck with no emotions, incapable to feel anything. i did not ask to turn blue. when i told you to **** me i meant **** me, not with me. my head is not an orifice for you to stuff your ******* and false hope into. my head is a ******* galaxy filled and flooded with ideas and beauty and it is pristine and i do not appreciate your ***** fingerprints spoiling what i have spent years creating. i am sacred, if you are not chosen you are not allowed to enter and i expect you to take no for an answer, especially if i have repeated it four times. you do not have my permission to shove your anything into my anywhere because i am perfect and you are nothing and you will not make me feel like it is the other way around. you are supposed to look with your eyes, not your hands and you are to admire and not criticise because you know nothing of art. i am art.
May 2016 · 580
empty.
Lavina Akari May 2016
pain makes others creative, why do i have to be the one
who becomes empty? i can't move my fingers properly.
my brain has rusted, it is covered in cobwebs and dust. i have tried so hard to make peace with my demons but they refuse to let me move.
they pierced their fangs into me and they are draining me of everything i once was. i am a limpless, grey figure in this white room and
i am invisible. it's shifting between complete numbness
and excruciating agony, they're rolling a dice each
day to decide which it is.
pain makes others creative,
why do i have to be the one who becomes empty?
May 2016 · 405
!!!!!!!
Lavina Akari May 2016
i want to be able to write about
how complete you make me feel and i want
to be able to write beautiful poetry about how much love you give me and how
wonderful you make me feel but you do
not make me feel complete at all you make me feel more broken than i have ever been before and i beg you for love and you will not give me a drop and anything you do give me i am convinced it is fake but i take it anyway.
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
WILL YOU ******* LOVE ME
May 2016 · 437
DECAY.
Lavina Akari May 2016
YOU ARE ******* MAKING ME
ROT FROM THE INSIDE I USED
TO BE CLEAN AND FRESH AND
FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS AND SUNLIGHT AND NOW I AM A
******* GRAVEYARD, A ROTTING CAGE FILLED WITH WEEDS AND PAIN AND TORMENT AND BROKEN PROMISES
IT IS SO DARK INSIDE
WHY DID YOU PUT THE LIGHT OUT
STOP IT STOP IT THATS NOT FAIR THATS NOT FAIR THATS NOT FAIR
May 2016 · 478
LOVE ME BACK
Lavina Akari May 2016
I JUST WANT TO STAND AT THE EDGE
OF A CLIFF I WANT TO SCREAM
"LOVE ME BACK FOR ONCE"
I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME.
LOVE ME BACK.
******* LOVE ME BACK
May 2016 · 1.6k
Borderline
Lavina Akari May 2016
i am not a human, i am a mirror.
i have no identity, there is no 'me'
do you like what you see?
May 2016 · 481
death.
Lavina Akari May 2016
death is my mortal enemy,
for he takes all that i love and leaves me all alone.
but today he is my best friend,
for he is taking me, too
i welcome him.
May 2016 · 309
the ending
Lavina Akari May 2016
desire is the cause of all suffering
it is a molotov cocktail
waiting
for someone to come along and place
hope in your hands before exploding and tearing you to shreds.

this perpetual nightmarish life is not one i would wish upon anyone, and all of my regrets reflect off of the scars that i will wear on my soul for all eternity.

no passerby can even simply ameliorate
the heartache i feel in my sunken chest,
and my ribs sit too tightly
around my poor heart.
my body has given up on me, and now i want the release of death more than i want
love and
acceptance and to be
understood and to be
saved.

there is nothing here for me, you see.
and there never will be.
May 2016 · 426
your haiku.
Lavina Akari May 2016
you dont love me now
and i know, and i feel it
and dear God, it hurts
Apr 2016 · 1.9k
bulimia.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
these hands of mine are capable of
so much poetry and art,
plucking strings,
pressing keys,
and making music,
creating and holding.
i can learn an entire language using my hands. they may someday trace someone else, clothe and feed another. this hand to my left can bare a ring of unity and hold another's.
these hands of mine can do so much, yet i spend my time having them wedged down my throat and scratching my insides, use them
to play with my blood and wipe my tears.
these hands of mine have so much potential,
yet like my whole being they are wasted.
Apr 2016 · 253
X
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
X
your life wasn't for this planet but
i thought when you left to return home
i'd at least get a final goodbye
you aren't on this world, but
you are my whole world.
where is that?
Apr 2016 · 844
inside
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
are you strong-willed?
                     nothing can break me
                     i'm already broken
did i hurt you?
                      no one can hurt me
                      you're going to
did someone hurt you?
                       no one can hurt me.
                       he ripped my heart out and i
                       still haven't found it
are you scared?
                       fearless
                       terrified
how did you wait for me for so long?
                       patience is a virtue, my friend
                       i've been on my knees for years
can you handle it?
                        i'm ready.
                       i'm so scared
your eyes lack life
                        i'm complete
                       please don't look at me
are you happy?
                         i'm at peace
                        never
do you want me to stop?
                          maybe
                         please
why won't you let me in?
                          i'm not a stranger
                         it hurts
                         please it hurts
                         stay away, please go away
                         *please make it stop
Apr 2016 · 437
homesick.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
I've stayed in a lot of houses in my life, none of which I ever intended to stay for long.
Most of them open easily - there are no locks
just welcoming hosts, always with that same perfidious smile on their face.
They expect me to fall at their feet but they don't know yet that
I am the drug and they are the addict and when they whip up a whirlwind to drag me in I show them how much of a ******* hurricane I really am.
You see, I jump door to door
because my own house is haunted.
maybe once it was a home, but it is now unrecognisable.
All with locks and the windows are sealed shut, it's filled from basement to attic with ghosts who are mourning their losses and grudging their mistakes.

I don't know whether I'm locked in or locked out, and I can't tell you which is worse.
Apr 2016 · 1.2k
The Pink
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
23rd April

She is a snowball in the ebony coloured sky and I am so in love with her.
Her full face comes into my view tonight and I watch her, sitting peacefully in the cold, surrounded by diamonds who are glittering in the dark.

There's always something I've found tragic about her expression, like an old lover broke her long ago and now she is an empty case. Sometimes I wonder if I could fix her, though she is only my imagination, my friend when I am alone.
I feel her endlessly, so deeply and intensely.
I am hers and she is mine, and no being may come between that love.

The stars hang around her, kissing the black, and I imagine them all dancing in the shades of midnight.
The way her light shines on me makes me feel so renewed, like i have just engaged in the most passionate of kisses.
But I am alone, and alone I will be, always.

Maybe this pain is permanent, I will learn to walk with this limp and leave my flesh unhealed.

I have a tendency to love things out of my reach.
Apr 2016 · 340
opposites
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
you were the sun, burning brightly, beautifully. I was the moon, dark and alone, following my Earth wherever she went.
You faced me and I shined.
The moon cannot shine without the sun, and I will never feel as light and pure without you here
Apr 2016 · 300
touch.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
originally, I just wanted to *******. there
was something so appealing
about the thought of you,
on hands and knees,
completely at my mercy.
after a while, however, I found myself
on my own hands and knees, and it is not a position I have ever liked being in.
I got greedy, instead of asking
to *******, I'd ask to love you
and instead of imagining us tangled up together singing in vowels,
I'd listen to my own heartbeat
chanting love songs inside its cage.
Whatever poison you soaked your tongue in has ravaged my mind and replaced every important piece with your face
and now i can't even go to my favourite places or read my favourite poems,
without thinking of you.
I never knew how good I was at begging
until I was kneeling in front of my God pleading to let you stay in my life and telling him about how often I fantasise about
your lips crashing against mine.
this tastes like a new type of euphoria and it's one that requires no touch,
and oh how I hope it's eternal.
Apr 2016 · 489
heartsong
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me

please don't leave me
please please please
Apr 2016 · 385
arsonist.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
you touched me and it
set
   my
skin
             alight
and in the frenzy of the moment
i looked through the flickering flames
and kissed your smiling face.
i thought this was me,
finally warm,
finally safe
and finally alive, but
now it's been a month
and these burns aren't even close to scabbing and the scars that they leave will be deeper
than any trauma i have previously endured.

this ended before it began but
fire burns the body
incredibly quickly and now
my heart has blackened and throbs and i
watch you stand and marvel at your magnificent artwork.
you have incinerated my will to live.

i thought you could be my home,
my house had burned to the ground, but then
i remembered you were the one
who lit
      the
                         match.
Mar 2016 · 373
starlight
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
i stole the constellations
from the inky sky and spent hours
stitching them into my snow white flesh.
i dazzle and shine but now the heavens
are darker than my thoughts and
the unilluminated sky cries to me
woeful of their loss.

the moon, you see, she's so alone,
and it grieves her to think of her children
so far from home.

these diamonds look beautiful on me
but they cannot tell their story when they are
trapped underneath the itching sleeves of my sweater.
Mar 2016 · 3.9k
arctic waves
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
the static has tiptoed across me from my brain into my lungs,
electrifying each and every one of my breaths into
sharp icicles and lightning bolts.

white noise vibrating against my skin as the ice cold
waves
rock me back and forth
as if they are nursing a newborn baby.
the cold trickles down me and makes me shiver

my limbs are blue and my lips are blue and i am floating
floating
floating
somewhere safer.
Mar 2016 · 770
The Worm
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
23rd March

the Earths surface becomes softer as the moons full face comes into my view.
maybe it is easier to dig my own grave at this time of year, i feel like there are already maggots wriggling under my old flesh.

this is a time for balance, this is a time for new life. birds peak through the cracks in their eggshells and the fresh
daffodils bud and bloom and reach out to the bleeding sun and ask him to love them and the sun replies "i do love you, each and every one of you"
he brings me new days but they go so fast that i
find myself getting dizzy.
i want time to stand still so i can catch my breath.

new life surrounds us the day my heart stops beating and soon
the warm spring breeze will catch my corpse and blow it away
Mar 2016 · 1.1k
The Snow
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
22nd February

perfection.
order.
beauty.
the three things i crave.

ice white, snow white, matching your pale complexion
as you sit in the cold.
your blue fingertips resting on the pearl coloured blanket
that envelops the Earth,
drowning every noise that tries to come to the surface.

each snowflake beautifully carved and structured.
unique, pure, perfect
falling gently, willingly,
from the sky
to the ground.

the silence does its job so well that i fear
i may have lost my hearing yet inside
i am frantically thrashing and screaming.
i am watching the frost crawl across your skin, wrapping you
like bandages and taking you
home.

there is an ice shard in my chest piercing my heart.
one day i wish to be as peaceful as the snow
Mar 2016 · 1.5k
The Wolf
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
January 24th

I have dragged my body through the first lunar cycle
on my hands and knees, pathetically crawling to my last days on Earth.
The illuminating moonlight bleeds through the clouds and covers the shell that I call a body like a blanket.

It's face is a wolf, prideful and strong and courageous
and I am so jealous of the power it has.

The silver light dazzles on my skin, warms me, clothes me
kisses every inch of me.
I feel its energy in my veins swimming in my blood as the wolf howls and its voice floods my ears
and I shine and everyone turns to admire my beauty.

The moon cannot shine without help from the sun,
and now I will shine upon them
Mar 2016 · 362
suffocating
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
a box,
so small my limbs are tangled and tied and bent in all directions
to fit me in.
i want to speak up, to scream and say something
but i am crushing my own lungs to the point where i can't even form a
whisper.

i love them all
i love them all
i love them all
but this small box can only fit one.

i beg to be bought a new one so we may all hold hands
but the only thing i am holding is a beating heart and in order to change i must
crush it between my fingers and lap up the blood that
runs down my arm.

i have always been clumsy so loving someone
who is made of glass is a challenge i am not yet prepared for.
yet here i am, and here i want to be.
sorry doesn't fix anything but I am truly sorry
Mar 2016 · 453
Death
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
i can still see you, no matter how hard i scrub this eraser
your face won't go away.
it's almost as if your death has been tattooed to the backs of my eyelids and some sick ******* has scribbled your name on every wall of this broken home.

i cut your name into my skin so i wouldn't forget it
but now it's the only thing i can seem to remember.

every day i wake up and i see you die,
i eat my breakfast and i listen to your heartbeat come to a halt.
i go outside and i hear your fading laughter in the warm breeze.
you're in every empty room playing the piano,
touching the keys so gently as if they are made of glass.
when the burning sun sets and dresses the world in shades of oranges and pinks i see your coffin being lowered into the ground and when the beautiful dawn breaks over us i don't see you rise with it.
you die in my dreams, you die when i'm awake, you die in every sapphire in every drop of water you die in the skies and the dirt and the raging fires that burn everything i love to the ground. you die in the dazzling storms, you die in the calm, you die in the night and the day and you die every day, day after day.

everywhere i go, i see you die.
you won't rest, aren't you tired of dying?
i want to move past you, but you're stuck in my brain
Mar 2016 · 615
the ice and the fire.
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
I am blue and stuck inside a solid crystal of ice and
you are the fire here to thaw me out and melt away my sadness
as light bleeds through my curtains and I
bleed through my bandages
I will feel the warmth from you covering my stone cold wounds
and fusing them back together as if
the sunbeams radiating from your smile act like stitches healing my tired and broken flesh
my chest was once a hollow and frozen cage and  it is now burning
as if you relit my heart and my
veins which were once nothing but icicles have flames and electricity surging through them
one day I will stop seeing red and start seeing gold and I hope over time blue will become your favourite colour
Mar 2016 · 870
377
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
377
miles and miles that run between us.

whilst I am crumbling and falling apart and you are dragging your body through hell we stumble upon each others echoed voices
in the dark
the whispers make the stars light up above me and slowly guide me to you
and I paint pictures of you in my head wrapped in my arms with the pale moon reflecting in your eyes.
these miles are slowly shrinking and closing between us, this feeling shattering through my body like I'd pulled a trigger on a gun

all of the miles between us close in, until there are none.
Aug 2015 · 4.9k
fuckboy
Lavina Akari Aug 2015
do not be seduced by those with a reputation of a heartbreaker

do not allow them to strum on your heartstrings
because you are not someone's instrument.
do not misinterpret their charms as care or love for you

do not allow them to throw beautiful words down your throat at night
because you will wake up in the morning choking on them
and they will be nowhere to be found.
how can you call for help if you can't breathe?
Aug 2015 · 470
summary
Lavina Akari Aug 2015
it started early 2012 in the late afternoon
some girl told him she liked him he said 'i love you too'
i opened cutlery drawers trying to find a knife
and i spent the whole night wanting to end my life.
this went on for some months and then i lost my appetite
i couldnt stop the voices, what im thinking wasn't right.

but, two years on here i stand
wounds all healed but they still hurt, oh man...

you see there's some strength i found
think it belonged to someone else
i sat and drank it on my own
watching all the other girls
i felt it coursing through my veins but
everything, it felt the same
this numbness in the pain - i'm so tired of this game

but, two years on here i stand,
i'm still not 6 feet in the ground
my head it hurts but earlier on i found these great pills

you see i met this girl sometime you see her head it was a mess
and her body, so so small, it weighed a lot less
than my leg, my anything but she isn't here anymore
i'll read her little note, i've read it 16 times before

'simple things might be a chore, like breathing, showering and feeding,
but i simply don't have energy, and right now, i am bleeding.
depression comes with a knife but all i have is this spoon'
then she looked into the sky and whispered 'nana, i'll see you soon'

not much later mother walked in and there, she was found
and now she's sleeping happily, deep under the ground

this isn't right, for anyone
she should be out having fun
smiling, spinning in the sun
but, i guess, life isn't for everyone

i think im lucky, think God loves me
cause i thought that i would die,
told myself i wasn't worth it but that was a ******* lie

because three years on, here i stand
i love myself, i love me cause i can
i think you should love yourself too
with your pretty little eyes the shades of blue
your hands are shaking, mine are too
but please, hold on i promise you, that i will hold you,
help you as much as i can. but its a one-man battle and i can only pick up pieces
i need to call someone for help, God i hope someone can reach us
this i a song i wrote early last year and finished tonight and thought I'd upload it for you to read.
Aug 2014 · 341
love
Lavina Akari Aug 2014
i couldn't love myself
i used it all up on you
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