no more blood and not much tears
but I must admit I still have fears

but, in some way, I feel its ending
everything.
is all mending.

all scars are coming to an end
my heart is surely on the mend

my lungs are still tainted
my mind is still too
my arms are still painted
with memories in blue

but my favourite part, I love this, I do
is when I close my eyes,
and I never see you

in the corner she sits
calls but no one looks up

just like a lost toy - replaced
as if she were never really there

into the ground she sinks
maybe she'll return again
when everyone else has left
and someone needs to reach out
and aren't ignorant enough to ignore her

I read that anger is weakness, and that patience is strength
But it is from anger that I found my strongest self, from blind fury that I learned my fists can break steel and my entire body is made from diamond.
How can patience be strength when every single agony-filled second that drags by I feel myself growing weaker and frailer?

do not be seduced by those with a reputation of a heartbreaker

do not allow them to strum on your heartstrings
because you are not someone's instrument.
do not misinterpret their charms as care or love for you

do not allow them to throw beautiful words down your throat at night
because you will wake up in the morning choking on them
and they will be nowhere to be found.

i can only find the open palms of my demons in that red mist, the ones that once held my face in a much harsher way than you do now. your calloused hands feel like heaven instead of the hell that slept in the creases of their fingerprints. sometimes i fall too close and i see their blackened eyes that replay childhood traumas that i have spent years repressing with self-destructive behaviours and alcohol. your own remind me of the rivers i could drown myself in but i must remind myself that diving in will only give me peace, not death, though it feels like death whenever they're not in my sight. sometimes i think about hurting myself again but then i remember the claws of those monsters and how they can't compare to your nails tickling at my back in the late of the night where theirs would be cutting me open. i don't ever want to be in their grip again. never again. never.

i'm glad you are safe with me. even if you are not loving in my arms,
even if you are not kissing my lips.
alcohol is meant to make others seem more attractive but
it physically isn't possible to make you more beautiful than you already are so you stay the same and whilst everyone
around me gets prettier you are still the most heavenly body i could ever lay my eyes on.

there's nothing that could ever
make me look away again.
i don't know why i ever did.

everyone and everything
in the world
is eclipsed by you.

oh, it is eclipsed by your beauty.

i don't know who i am


I am both the strongest and the weakest person
I don't care enough and i care too much
I am both confident and insecure
I am alive and I'm also dead
I dont want anyone and I need attention
I am rain and I am sunshine


I am nothing and I am everything

you are fragile
and the boy in the year above you calls you fat
and the girl in the row behind says you look like a rat
and you sit and think about it for a few minutes
minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days
and soon you've lost track of the last time you ate
and soon you've become obsessed with your weight
you forgot what colour your skin used to be
because your arms are covered in red lines
and you cry all the time

you are fragile
and the girl in the hospital bed groans
she is short and she is thin,
skin and bones
this girl is you
and there is only one thing you need to do
but again, all you can do is cry
all you hear the doctor do is sigh
you hear the boy in the year above has died
drunk with a car, an upsetting fate
and the girl in the row behinds period is late
when was the last time you ate?

you are fragile
and the man in the street smiles
he stares for a while
he soaks up any sadness
laughs at your jokes
you are happy -
madness
you remember what colour your skin was
and the last time you ate
because he has fixed you

*you are not fragile

i am not a human, i am a mirror.
i have no identity, there is no 'me'
do you like what you see?

stop pretending no one loves you
stop pretending no one cares about you
you care
if you didn't care you wouldn't wake up
you wouldn't give your lungs the oxygen they need
give yourself credit
you are the one who throws the blades out of the window
and listens to your head and your thoughts
you are the one who deals with your pain
and manages to drag you out of bed for a shower
every so often
you are the one who goes into recovery
because you want to live
no one else stays up to the late hours drying your tears
and listening to every deep breath and sob

and you long for someone to
although you already have someone


you are enough

I am getting bad again
I can feel it
I can feel the urges rushing through my veins -

begging

for me to slice into them
there's a promise of adrenaline
it will rush through my body like a jet
I want to hurt hurt hurt I want to
cut and scratch and rip and dig
until all I see is
red
and I want to drown in it until all I see is
black

August 12, 2013

right now I am looking at the sky
and watching each star appear one by one
as the night progresses

I have seen three shooting stars
beautiful, sparkling diamonds crying

did you know?
that when you wish upon a shooting star
you're a million years late
because the light from the stars have
taken so many years to burst through
into our Earths sight
and we experience its beauty
when it is too late

I guess people can be like that too
they are nice to you but you do not care
and after they are gone, and it is too late
you see the light in them
and realise how beautiful they are
but there is nothing you can do

broke the windows of my heart to let light in and hoped the golden rays would illuminate the sable chambers and i would be filled with love, not for the manipulative or for the toxic, but for myself

when I was two
my mother told me not to lean over the chair
that she wouldn't help me if I hurt myself
because it was my fault for not listening
to her wise words
when I fell and broke my collarbone
she kissed me and took me to hospital
and aided me until I was healed

when I was four
my mother told me not to jump down the stairs
that she wouldn't help me if I hurt myself
because it was my fault for not listening to her wise words
when I fell and hit my head off the concrete
she kissed me and gave me a white pill
to numb the pain
and aided me until I was healed

when I was ten
my mother told me not to hit the walls when I was angry
that she wouldn't help me if I hurt myself
because it was my fault for not listening to her wise words
when I fractured my wrist
she kissed me and took me to hospital
and aided me until I was healed

when I was fourteen
my mother told me not to fall for you
that she wouldn't help me if you hurt me
because it was my fault for not listening to her wise words
when you broke my heart
she kissed me and dried my tears
and did all she could to heal me

miles and miles that run between us.

whilst I am crumbling and falling apart and you are dragging your body through hell we stumble upon each others echoed voices
in the dark
the whispers make the stars light up above me and slowly guide me to you
and I paint pictures of you in my head wrapped in my arms with the pale moon reflecting in your eyes.
these miles are slowly shrinking and closing between us, this feeling shattering through my body like I'd pulled a trigger on a gun

all of the miles between us close in, until there are none.

are you strong-willed?
                     nothing can break me
                     i'm already broken
did i hurt you?
                      no one can hurt me
                      you're going to
did someone hurt you?
                       no one can hurt me.
                       he ripped my heart out and i
                       still haven't found it
are you scared?
                       fearless
                       terrified
how did you wait for me for so long?
                       patience is a virtue, my friend
                       i've been on my knees for years
can you handle it?
                        i'm ready.
                       i'm so scared
your eyes lack life
                        i'm complete
                       please don't look at me
are you happy?
                         i'm at peace
                        never
do you want me to stop?
                          maybe
                         please
why won't you let me in?
                          i'm not a stranger
                         it hurts
                         please it hurts
                         stay away, please go away
                         *please make it stop

the moon has no light
yet she still shines
and you can see her standing out
in the cold black sky

and the sun helps the moon
because I guess that's what friends are for
although the moon has never helped the sun
before

and its not a two way street
and the sun doesn't except anything back
he only needs to know the moon will shine
whenever they sky is black

what a beautiful sight, you should have seen
the blood! should have seen the anger and bitter hot tears
and shiny metal
and swollen lips from biting as if
you're trying to shut that voice up inside you because they
speak through you through your mouth and
red lips, teeth
use your tongue and chest shout for them to go away
its not working, it never works
but you won't stop trying and you want
your veins to run hollow and to bleed yourself dry
because you feel like an empty shell
the only thing inhabiting you is
the harsh voices
but they are
unwanted and they are bad news
and you don't know if you should stand up or not
or if that will increase blood flow because you will fall over
and see white dots like
fairy kisses in your eyes and on your skin and God won't
accept you to heaven because you've been told
killing yourself is a sin
but is hell really that bad because you already feel you are there
when really your heart is still beating and your
brain is still thinking
and your arms are still bleeding and you're still shouting
at everything to
please
be quiet just for a moment
to get everything straight

but you're not allowed to leave so you're staying on Earth
and you're so used to the voices you often get mixed up
which ones are real and which ones are in my head?
a very common and almost daily question you ask
yourself and sometimes others without realising

and what is it about depression being beautiful so maybe
one more tear and one more cut will make people like you
and boys and girls are not just going to be able to fix you just by
holding the key to your heart so stop thinking
the reason you're sad is because you're used or single because
people in relationships are just as sad as you and you are still bleeding and your
heart is still beating and maybe
sweetheart it wouldn't hurt to
sit down.

i sit alone
alone, but with a voice in my head

the voice that reminds me you exist
and are getting along fine without me

the voice that reminds me my calorie intake
and that i am not a size 4

the voice that reminds me someone has glanced at my wrist
and will never look at me the same way again

the voice that exaggerates any imperfection
except the ones on you

the voice that keeps me company at night
but not the way i want it to

maybe my mother
neglected me a little
but she still bent over backwards
so I could have an education.

and my daddy's in the army
and he's been to third world countries
and he's seen so much suffering
and some of his friends are dead
yet he still goes there
and he still smiles when he greets me
in the morning.

and maybe my sister saved me
when no one else would
just by smiling at me
the way a toddler should

and maybe my best friend
has never even met me
but she knows more than myself
and she's never left once

and maybe the only boy I ever liked
turned out to be slightly heartless
and nothing actually happened
and I don't like to pretend it did

and maybe at some points
in my short life
a video game would be the only
comfort

but any form of comfort I find I grip
a little too hard
and maybe it hurts them
at the start
and that's why they wriggle away
like a fish
in someone's hand

such a broken little girl
cracked open her skull and
showed everyone her dreams
shame she forgot that all her friends
were monsters

silly little girl
sliced open her veins and
showed everyone what they had
done
she was controlled by a monster

there was once a girl I used to know
she was the most beautiful girl in the world,

smiling showed off her glistening teeth
so true, so pure
it took my breath away
her happiness made her skin shine and her hair dazzle
the gold no rich man could buy

she smelled of rain, spice, mint!
you could spend hours sitting next to her

her eyes were precious gems, more
than just
sapphires, emeralds, diamonds, more than that

her heart was warm and made of solid gold
so inviting she lured every kind man towards her



there once was a girl I used to know, although
she isn't a girl anymore

frowning never showed her once pearl teeth
now stained from tobacco
her teeth were the colour of suicide
her sadness had allowed her skin to become flawed her hair greased and limped,
the trash metals no one valued

she smelled of spice and grime
nobody wanted to be near her for long

her eyes were dull, foggy, maybe
like cheap glass that needed polished, no one
would look at them

her heart, an empty cave, so hollow
any man who even dared to enter would find
nothing but a dying memory of her former self
and no one liked that

what a waste of a girl?
maybe
everyone expected more from her

count cuts
  count pills
   count tears
      count blades
        count frowns
         count calories
            count memories
               count blood drops

          count your blessings
         count memories        
        count recovery
       count smiles
      count meals
     count days
    count yes'
   count us

pain makes others creative, why do i have to be the one
who becomes empty? i can't move my fingers properly.
my brain has rusted, it is covered in cobwebs and dust. i have tried so hard to make peace with my demons but they refuse to let me move.
they pierced their fangs into me and they are draining me of everything i once was. i am a limpless, grey figure in this white room and
i am invisible. it's shifting between complete numbness
and excruciating agony, they're rolling a dice each
day to decide which it is.
pain makes others creative,
why do i have to be the one who becomes empty?

i know you're hurting
you're walking a lonely road with no streetlights
and you can hear rustling but see nothing
don't stumble, lean on me
i'm here in this darkness with you and
i will hold your hand through it all
if you get scared, give it a squeeze
my eyes are watering but your legs
are shaking
i'm tired but i'll try to carry you

i'll spend my night lying awake staring
at the ceiling waiting for him to message me
but he never does, i knew this anyway
i knew he wouldn't
eventually, after hours of crying and turning
and bleeding, i'll tire myself out and my eyes will close
and, due to my luck, he'll message five minutes later
but he wont reply when i reply
he won't talk after that
he'll tell me he loves me sometimes
just to try and stop me crying
but it doesnt stop me crying
lies do not comfort me anymore
lies do not dry my cheeks
but i'll eat them like my last meal
and then he'll disappear
and i'll leave it until he messages again
and i'll cry and i'll bleed and i'll punch myself
and i'll ignore everything good in the world
because he refuses to experience it with me
he doesn't want to experience it with me
because i am not good. i am worthless
and he knows it
and they know it
and i know it
and i'll imagine myself being ice like i was before
but somehow his embers have burned through me and it's too heated for me to
freeze over again
and i'll lay awake at night waiting for him to message me
but he won't
he doesn't
i knew he wouldn't, i didn't expect anything else
and he'll tell me he loves me
and i'll eat his lies like my last meal
desperately trying to find some form of solace
but i don't
they taste sour
i look at him like he is a diamond
and he looks at me like i am a pebble
and i am so filled with anger
so much fire, i'm not used to fire
i want to be cold again so it will stop hurting
but it won't. it's too hot here
i'll lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how i can become good enough
or even just enough
but it won't work
and i'll cry and bleed
i want him out of my veins

I feel I am getting bad again
I am not coping

I want to die, I want to feel pain
from myself
for myself
no one else

I want to cut out my problems and
eat my worries

but, by tomorrow
when I wake up

I will be okay again

i want to hold my hands in your hair forever
because i feel that they would be
safest there
and i want to stare into your eyes forever and read them
let me study you and breathe you in  

let me kiss your pain away
and make you laugh because darling your laugh
echoes off the walls of this empty house and for that moment
i find so much peace

tell me everything you are passionate about
the things you hate and what makes your eyes sparkle
like they do and when they flicker briefly with excitement i
want you to grab my hand and spin me around

you are this faint ray of sunshine on the
cloudiest and greyest of days
i will cherish you even after i die

i burned everything i loved trying to keep you warm
i burned everything that mattered because
you said you liked the way the orange and red flames danced together, and that we could dance amidst them, but you'd already found a warmth in their chest.
i thought i was fire and you were gasoline,
but you were water. you were water.

"come back" you call
but no one hears

did you make a sound?
of course you did, you heard it yourself

wash the acid from my skin, kiss the blood from my wounds

eat all of my hate, plant flowers in every cracked flaw on my body

stitch every imperfection of mine with kisses

heal me, scratch the anger out of me and leave red lines i can smile upon

i cannot spend my life waiting for people to fix me.

I was broken

you did not fix me

instead you threw pretty words in my ears
traced the indentations over my wrists
and said;
'never open them again'

but I did
I couldn't help it

you were here all night and gone the next morning
like a one night stand on a film
and the viewer keeps pressing rewind

you did not understand that
Satan
played with my mind like a toy

and voices filled the silence that you didn't;

I was the shell that you couldn't fill
abandoned on a beach to be washed away
by the slow tide

chilling to the bone

you do not and never will understand

not wanting to live
and wanting to die

are two very different things

with a heart
as sensitive as yours
you can never be too safe

as gentle as a butterfly
and as fragile as a flower

i kiss your cheek
as if i am kissing the soft spot
on a newborn baby's head

and blessed is the woman
to touch you as if you are made of glass

i wanted to stay
but you didn't want the same

so i ripped the wings off the butterflies
and tore the flower petals off one by one
and i dropped your heart from my window
so it shattered into a million pieces

and i hope you felt every bit of it