Pleasure,
Is it a god?
Pain,
Is it the devil?

Given the wrong circumstances,
They can both be evil.
Then what is it I rely on
To help me differentiate between right and wrong?

Time,
Is it eternal?
Health,
Is it reliable?
And when things don't go to plan,
Are my consequences inevitable?
Then what is it I can count on
That's been unchangeable all along?

Will,
Is it sturdy?
Relationships,
Will they keep swaying me?

And when pain,
Pleasure, time and health test me,
What is it I can rely on to keep me steady?

Why,
I feel like a kite on a single string,
The string is a hand stretching out from a deep sea,
The hand is a lever with the note:
"Pull me!"
And I hold on and it may be fine,
But relationships,
Will, health, time, pain and pleasure
Eventually rot and turn bitter
And they let me go
And I am reminded of how
Lost I truly am...
In this vast ocean...
In this wide space...
I am reminded that in this world,
Nowhere in my mind is safe;
I used to ridicule that which I cannot see or feel,
But there was nothing of this world that was real.
All of my idols
Left me,
Scathed.
And all that’s left to
Hold on to
Are the ideals of hope
And faith.

The colours of the night have gotten deeper,
I see the addicts in the dark.
The stars have grown distant and faint,
It gets colder when we're apart.
Have I let go of something good?
The sun was shining when you were here;
The laughter was stronger,
The days were warmer,
And of course there was joy in the air.
The charming thing about pleasure is
That they will come to an end but
I thought, "we'll cross that bridge
When we get there."

This is no classic scene on a movie screen.
This is real life.
And it’s scenes are the most obscene.

This pain is felt first hand,
And your confusion is severe.
We look to the asphalt and to these mechanic machines and
Believe we live in our ancestors virtual dreams.
You scream:
“It’s 2019!”
And take that as evidence of progress;
Like we are closer to ‘the truth‘ now
Than when even our foods weren’t processed?

Progress?
Yes,
We emphasise physicality
And make clowns of our spirituality
So we can parade falsity.

You see,

We latch to this planet like a leach.
Manipulating your free speech
As you learn only what is deemed worthy to teach.
And that’s it!
That’s all you need to know!
Go on, throw a fit
And call it “history in the making”
While you transfer all knowledge in
A glowing rectangle,
And still mistake emotions with rationality
Yes we’ve reached this calamity!

Don’t make me laugh!
You hate war?
But you get bored of peace
And you fetishise your guns.
And this is no longer a secret,
Now you post red and caption it “aesthetic”
And laugh-cry at those who are unfortunate.

Glory is in the body count,
And ****** is just a sport.
Honour is in the gold,
And there’s no longer any justice
In courts.

Truth is
You’re building a fort
Where ignorance is at its foundation.
And while you do not know yourself
You cry “you ought!” To a nation?

In every moment, in every place,
I must be strong;
Especially in the night
When the darkness blankets my eyes
And casts its shadow over my heart.

It's okay to be upset,
But the darkness speaks,
And I listen intently,
But I must not believe everything it says.

It looks into me and and sees
My past, my history,
It says treacherous things
About the people around me.

I recognise it now,
Now that I fight to be worthy of your love,
My Lord.
I see it now,
And how it can cause me to sting and sink
My venom into the people I love.
And when I wake it becomes clear,
What a horrible person I was.

Revelling in its opulence,
I still thought the grass could be greener.
Poisoned with delusion,
My pride only grew with anger.
I had sought and I had sought and I
Suffered every step of the way.
I listened to the whispers and
My heart hardened, my eyes darkened,
Hair began falling, turning grey.
Poison seeped out my pores,
My words swayed those vulnerable
To have a share in my hell.

Dear God,
I have fallen.
This devil would like to return to heaven.
Purify my soul, offer me a chance
At redemption.
Dear God,
I admit to you with deep shame,
I have learnt my lesson.

The old fog and the new light
Meet and unite,
I am there in the dawn.

Only now do I truly contemplate
The questions brought up in time;
What do I do with what was built
Among the people I know?
What is it I see beyond sight,
Beyond the horizon?
Why do I see an opening?
A different life -
When it is here I gave birth to the sun?

I understand,
I am consciously learning.
I heard familiar words uttered when
The leaves of autumn fell and
I said:
"I am starting to tell
The difference between the cries
Of heaven and hell."

Let me cherish this.
This pure love I have for you.
Not for what you look like,
Or for what you can do,
But purely for the person that you are.
Let me cherish this sweet innocence.
Let me rely on the remembrance of your smile,
Or the times when you’d speak to me,
To fill me with glee.
Let me hold on to the peace I felt
When remembering the fact that I’d be around you
Would calm the storm of my turbulent mind
Even for a short time.
Loving you isn’t painful,
It’s natural and comes easy.
It has been a blessing bestowed onto me.
I feel like I know you beyond words,
I feel like you know me.
It is tragic though, when I know that I can’t have you, it’s true,
But to have had the honour,
The pleasure of knowing you,
Even for a short time,
I am grateful beyond what words can describe.

You love me in this
Throne of skin and bone, glittering
and new, dripping with the honeydew
Of golden jewels.
These supple curves are an adornment,
Soft, and it bounces with the slightest touch!
It groans, and rumbles, shaking in its folds,
Ripe in its prime.
The moment is now, this is the time!

The blood pumps under plumped flesh with vigor.
My taste is of the pleasures of sweet wine and I
Grimace at the thought of vinegar.
Entertain me with your touch, squeeze, and caress.
My fruit craves to be exposed and undressed
For it is not too late.
Time will take its tole, age will make it old,
In a predictable fate.
I am immortal in this moment, capture me in this state!
Untamed and feral, under the influence of youth,
Too drunk to see the truth.

Flesh is torn in monotone,
Hairy needles as legs pegs onto white
Sticky string,
Sharp fangs dipped in poison
Sink through flesh and *****
And crush bones with a sting.

It is **** or be killed out there in the nature you worship.
The cruelty adds to the beauty of a deep red sunset.
Vicious waves add to the elegance of an ocean,
So don’t forget  
That while you turn a blind eye to
The things you don’t like,
You tell yourself a half truth
(A good lie),
It is the perspective which alters sight.

Perhaps it’s more comforting to see
The sun as a beacon of light instead of
An orb in cruel fire,
But if you can see both,
Maybe you’ll find hope in hopelessness,
Or you’re humbled by thoughtfulness,
and maybe you’ll see the
Nature of life for what it truly is.

BEHOLD!
You are in the presence of power.
Shaken from the core,
A young seed observes
Grown aged trees
And marvels at their branches
Spread all over wide
Like wings!
Casting their shadows over her bud
As their fruits grow and ripen
And drop like bombs
Thud!
Thud!
THUD!

The soil whispers:
“You have two choices;
Aspire to inspire!
Go and grow!
Or sink deep
Into the void
And cry
From down below.”

A root bursts out
And the seed clings to the soil.
“Uplift me!” She begs,
“Don’t leave me here to spoil!”

The silence
Embraced me with its gentleness
And caressed me with a form of peace
Lying below, or above,
Somewhere in a deeper dimension.
As I’ve been constantly at war with
My limits,
I saw how she struggled to connect,
Interpreted stillness and quiet as a threat
To her image: the girl she learned she had to be
Just so that she could make sense to other people…
To me.
I can’t believe you speak to me in this way.
But I’m only repeating to myself
The early words I learned as a cub,
“No, you must not speak, no one wants to hear, you have nothing to declare, you’ve been foolish, you must be embarrassed every time, how dare you come out of your shell!”
Never got to learn
Who I was beneath the clouds,
Beneath the fog and the illusions.
All I’m doing is trying my hardest
To avoid humiliation,
Trying my best to be liked by you.

He wants to **** the scholar’s daughter;
Puppy-dog eyes by the end of the night,
Breathy voice, inching closer,
“How can a girl like you be a ******?” He whispers.
Lust overtakes his sight.
He says things he shouldn’t say,
It doesn’t sound right.
He must want to do it at any cost
Because he asks for her price
Like he has a mission to fulfil
By the end of the night.

He wants to know the kind of jewellery she wears,
The kind of positions she’ll take,
And how far she’s willing to go with a man.
He asks her her boundaries,
But he isn’t willing to understand.

Night-time clouds judgement,
In daylight he seemed weak and meagre.
I see the looks you steal from the corners of your eyes.
I see your lust, your desire
Begging me to compromise.
You must’ve thought I was just some *****-
You must’ve been surprised I was this polite.
You must’ve thought that I’d let you do as you please without putting up a fight.

So what was I supposed to do?
Give myself up to a guy who’d just ridicule my philosophy?
To a guy who’d get me to pay for his lunch?
No “thank you”, no “sorry”?
To a guy that would hit me hard,
Or grab the back of my neck,
Just to show that he has power over me,
And then laugh like he’s teasing?
Was I meant to give myself up to someone who ‘jokes’ about ******????

I wonder,
Did he think he was ‘alpha’,
‘Tough’,
And ‘strong’?
I bet with how I acted,
He thought he had me wrapped around his finger all along.

And I was out her trippin’
Over being desired and liked.
I overlooked his flaws,
Told myself: “he could change,
One day he might.”
I said this knowing
He was a giant talking red flag
And I gag at the type of girl
I was made out to be.

I lusted for you,
And waited for you to text me.
I baited you, and butterflies flew when you said you missed me.
I wanted you,
Wanted you to hold me,
Kiss me,
And we did all that,
But it meant nothing without security,
And it’s not worth selling my dignity.

Does the truth have any regard for my desire?
Does the truth change when a moment turns dire?
Is the truth ever outshined by ignorance's fire?
If the truth is too complex to be articulated,
then is everyone a liar?

Does the truth depend on my emotion?
Is it revealed through commotion?
Does it give a resolution?
Does it require devotion?
If the truth is too complex to be articulated,
then how can it be a conclusion?
If the truth is too vast to be situated,
then is the world not an abomination?

If only I was shown the truth, how would I know?
Would it possess a certain glow?
Would it put on a show?
If the truth is too complex to be articulated,
how would I know for sure that this is the right way to go?

I'm in a position
where I doubt the truth,
living in juxtaposition.

Tell me my purpose
If I was dead before I was born,
And will die when I am dead.

If death is immortal,
Eternal,
Necessary;
Yet life is frail,
Conditional,
Temporary.

Tell me why I am here
In my joy,
My fury,
My agony.

I suffer,
I change.
I am pushed to my limits and beyond
Burdened with freedom and empathy.

Tell me why I feel such emotions
That last
And alas
Here I am
Triumphant.

So
“Give me hell,
Give me heaven,
All your visions of life.”

Does he know
That I fantasize about him?
Can he see it in my cold eyes?
Can he sense it when I stiffen?
Does he know
That I look at his strong arms,
And can he tell
That I long to feel them around my waist?

If he just looked at me,
I'm afraid he'll know
That my heart is racing,
My breath is quickening,
And my mind is blank.
I act so stupid around him,
So different.
Does he go off and realise
That I embrace his thought,
That it's in my head,
And that I play with it
All the way to bed?

Here's to the girl who lied constantly.
To the girl who thought she knew reality.
She was onto something, definitely,
But this is the girl who reveled in stupidity;
To the girl who nearly sold her soul.
To the girl who was taken as a fool.
To the girl who was there for her friends,
Through thick and thin,
And didn't get the same back from them.
To the girl who knew everything about them,
Yet she was still the stranger.
To the girl who actively put herself in danger.
To the girl who became popular and was still lonely,
To the girl who never got to know me-

I'm here now.
You can stop crying.
I appreciate how hard you were trying.

I try to be tolerant,
but you repeat conversations from your head
assuming I'll play by your script
despite my lack of interest
in your need to repeat the past.

I try to be tolerant but
you won't give me a chance to breathe,
not with those dagger eyes that have been threatened,
not with that yapping mouth that has been triggered,
not with that closed mind that screams to be opened.

You view your world from your eyes and get caught
thinking your view is the best view when it's not.
You view your world from your eyes and get caught
thinking all your thoughts are true and valid when they are not.

I like you best when you remember on your own
that your limitations are limitless,
and together we live in this world of a mess
and call it our home.

To ebb and to flow,
To whither and regrow,
To rise and to fall,
To forget and be reminded,
To sway,
To float on a wave,
To bounce,
To swing back and forth,
To go through cycles, winter to spring,
To know,
To touch,
To feel,
To see with inner eyes, inner ears, inner heart.
Inclined towards what is sought.
Understanding the language of God

I understand
Love to be the appreciation of
What you can give.

No, love is love for the sake of love.

But I see nothing innocent, just pure.
“I appreciate you for the way you make me feel”
A.k.A
“I appreciate you for what you give to me”
A.K.A
“I love you.”

Sure it’s a little sweet but
It’s the only time you don’t mind being
Positively manipulated,
Positively used.
And you balance the scales with:
“I love you too”.

I feed off of you,
As you feed off of me,
And we’ll call this relationship ‘healthy’
And here we are.
Bound by a verbal contract,
Constantly in contact.
And I am stuck in your orbit oblivious as
To where I am headed.
I don’t understand this.
I look for the exit,
Because you are hungry,
And I am poor.

Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
Betrayal?
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
But
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.

Truth is still water,
a gentle whisper,
a soft touch.
Easy to ignore
yet
persistent
consistent.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Dripping oil underneath my tongue.
Watch it repel the grey clouds.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I am bold, courageous, brave.
I can see the ripples of my actions and
I’m no longer scared, but curious again.
I am powerful, flexible, safe.
I am a life and I have influence,
And I can finally see what’s been taken.

This is who I was underneath the blindfold, the clouds.
Let the sun shine and let the light pierce my bones.
I can get what I want when I want it
Because the chains are undone
With a few drops
Underneath the tongue.

I will not run just overwhelm me
With the thoughts the thoughts the thoughts.
There’s a dark shadow underneath every bright surface.
Check and chase
Every nook and cranny
Track and trace
Every mistake and
Shove into my face the uncanny.

What’s this giddy feeling?
I hop, skip and prance because
Neurons are firing and I’m talking
To myself and reviewing what has just passed in such a quick speed that I cannot catch up.
Oh I know you’re not all so bad
And sometimes I need to learn so
I constantly look back to learn but
Don’t let the shadows make everything seem dark
And don’t let the light turn into an insignificant spark.
Give me the balance and the hope,
The humility that helps me to cope with the insecure anxieties and the ignorance of arrogance.

Yes but no
No but yes
What ifs and
Did you see the look in his eyes?
They said something to me
And they were quickly covered by a disguise.
Maybe, who knows?
Just do better
Next time.

I remember the ways in which your body told me that you want me:
Pulling me so close so that our chests were inches away,
Your strong arms firm around my waist
Taking my breath away.
"Come here" you'd rasp, and I'd obey.
Grabbed my ******* and ****** the tip,
Picked me up and threw me on the bed,
Kissed my hand to my arm any chance you'd get.
****** and bit my neck,
Liked the way I tasted...
Yet all our efforts to hold onto each other,
Wasted.

The tap drips onto
still waters.
Ripples echo and remind me
of my mortality,
then I am reminded of
my morality
and suddenly
I don't have much time.
Ripples echo
and remind me of
my loneliness and
suddenly
nothing I own is truly
mine.

These waters are deep
and dark and stare
into the abyss inside.
A hollow shell governed by
reckless winds,
what happens when
water and wind
collide?

You look down on me from your high tower.
To me, you're full of beauty, strength and wonder.
I cannot count on the words you utter
To tell me the truth that lies in your heart;
Instead, I'll read your eyes as a start,
Then I'll study your expressions,
Look into the patterns of your mannerisms, your tone,
Study how you're different in private, with friends or over the phone.
I'll let you seep into my heart and mind,
Let you change me, I'll leave the me from the past behind.

All for what, I ask?
If it's a sin to love you...
Then why can't I let go?

Do I **** out the life from you
Like a leach?
Were you more excited about your future before meeting me?
Do I remind you of despair and insecurity?
Do I bring forth the future's unpredictability?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!

Never thought about how all this could hurt you,
My Romeo...
The poison we'll take is heartache.
But which of us will have the courage to break this curse?
Which of us will drink from this cup first?
"Drink poison now, or live longer in thirst."

As I edge this vessel to my lips,
Romeo,
I remember the nights we spent together
Gazing into the lights in our eyes.
Romeo,
I remember you singing from the heart
As you held me tight, Oh Romeo...
Oh the things we'd whisper,
Oh the games we'd play.
And my favorite part was when
You would read my soul as if it was on display.

Yes, my Romeo...
I did warn you, didn't I,
That the lights that burn brightest, burn fastest.
And how bright did we burn for each other?
Oh how much did we yearn for one another?
But I still find myself yearning,
Dreaming of the possibility
That you'd see life the way I do.
But that isn't fair on you,
Neither of us will change.
"So the quicker we drink the poison,
The easier we'll be unchained."

Who knew that this scarf on my head
Could make the rope that will tie my noose?
Who knew that this stone that
Kisses my forehead could turn into
The ammunition to crack my skull?
Who knew that my loose clothes could
Let in enough air to tear it from my body?
Who knew that my enemies would have the power to define me, judge me and sentence me?
Who knew that love would label me guilty?

You approach me with curiosity I don't want to touch,
with a readiness in your voice
like you're ready to hear too much and judge;
and I'm not used to this kind of care
and this type of love.
So I shut you off
and become short
and become tough,
for I've not learned how to respond to love.

As I sit on this bench
And the chilly breeze raises my skin,
The birds sing their beautiful songs,
And the leaves dance in the golden light;
The clouds sway and move,
They are thick and rich in colour,
And I cannot help but wonder -
How long before this moment lasts?

Home is infested with vermin
And no tool will help me clean it.
I pray in my room, and listen to sermons,
And I’m anxious over my future
For I cannot see it.
I cannot help it, I am afraid,
But I’ll wilfully enjoy this calm.
I’ll hold my hand as it shakes,
And I’ll wipe a cloth over my sweaty palms.
For what choice do I have
Other than to stop and wait?
I cannot agonise over that which
Is out of my control,
So I’ll work with fate,
And no matter what happens
God remains great.

I close my eyes because
I want to sleep through the darkest nights
Of December,
Sink into the depths of my consciousness
Who doesn’t remember
The events of earlier today.

They’re trying to **** me.

Polluted my mind,
Body
And soul.
Left me to rot, freezing
In the bitter cold.

Poisoned me with pure
Lies and deception.
Almost made me believe there is
No solution.
Almost made me believe I
Have no power in this situation.
So yes,
I should cancel my endeavours?
And wait until the damages are reversed?
So yes,
I should stay inside and
Keep my head down
Staring into the
Darkest glowing light
And get ****** into an abyss and miss
On what it truly means to be free?

You almost made me believe it.

I close my eyes in hope of a reset.
I worry if my future will be plagued
By regret.

The soul of my civilisation is infested
With worms and centipedes from the root.
My generation have been bent, burned
And broken into submission.
My elderly in ambivalence die neglected
In isolation,
My needy bite their lip in frustration
Because yet again they have to get
Used to a new brand of corruption.

And we stay silent and lower our heads
And keep our tails between our legs
And say “yes do whatever you please”
And hope that finally they have
Our best interest?

Is this madness?

This is a form of sick, twisted art,
But when did this level of manipulation
Even start?

And there comes a point where
I have to ask myself:
In all this mess,
What is my part?