I want you to hurt me
accidentally
somehow twist the wrong words just right
or clumsily elbow my nose
I want you to see my red and tears run down
I want you to see me grin in the pain
I want you to see me heal
I want you to watch how quickly my skin grows back
I want you to know I will forgive you
So you don’t live in fear of hurting me

I sit in warmth and plenty
but the down of feathers
is too thick
it smothers

Every day I sit with you
a moment long enough
But my mouth opens only
to comment on your day
Tell you that your son is well
or sick
I'll come tomorrow at 10:15
I'll babysit an extra day
I'm sorry your cousin's girlfriend's sister
died in Paris Friday

When I talk to God I feel him drawing in
But like the pain of over fullness
I feel an empty in my heart
For I know an outlet's missing

I guess I'm close enough to tell
when the time is right to share
I don't need a foghorn in my ear

Every day I lay my head down upon my pillow
Is a day of victory
Every day I rise again to see the sun
And another day of victory
to sleep
to rise
To breathe again
To praise your name and know your heart
in each one
is my joy and duty
But even if I forget
A day of victory
it still is yet
For I breathed the breath you gave me

I guess it was consistency
that made your shallowest love
warm my heart the most
it’s nice to have a constant
a backdrop of blue sky
always there
somewhere behind the clouds
It helped me see the beauty of the deeper loves
God loves me like the stars
enduring far longer than your transient
azul atmosphere
most visible in dark
the little diamonds come popping out
twinkling
singing
Always the same beautiful songs
and my heart learns to listen
and sings along

It's been a few weeks
since I felt whole, unbroken
The first time in so long
Now that joy feels stolen

I didn't know to know myself
the knife must cut so deep
I'd wish myself away into mock sleep

Now all that I can hear is the rushing out of my own blood
and the whispers blaming it on all that love
the love that drove me into hiding

You work hard
To be smart
To be funny
To be love
But what screams itself to me unending
is your pain
It doesn’t stop
IT WONT STOP
and I don’t know if I should tell you
that I rarely watch you now
because every time I really look
the sound of your pain is deafening
I wish my ears would listen better
for the joy that’s hidden in your soul
Until that day I will pray
you will find it your loudest theme

The mist is lifting
making way for the sun's return
little beams break through
to laugh and play upon the ground
I've worked here in the dark
So long
visiting each day
That the brightness hurts my eyes
I squint to surround myself with darkness once more
pull myself back into shadow
The Shadow I abhor
but it's been my home for months
so now the light confuses
Me
Is it gone
No, the mist remains as yet
though filled with holes
Sun begins to
Set
Afire
The mist
is lifting
making way for the sun's return
little beams break through
to laugh and play upon the ground

there are so many ways
you could have ended
spontaneous abortion
SIDS
childhood meningitis
drowning
forgetting to look both ways
gun accident
gun on purpose
car wreck
overdose
domestic homicide
war
Death came pretty close
before your eyes were even open
Don’t let the only killer you can control
get the best of you
*****, you lived!
Don’t let your mind **** you

I stand in the doorway,
And watch the world.
Why do the people eat one another?
Lighting themselves,
the earth is consumed
In a flaming passion,
Starved to bare bones,
The cry goes out
Endless feasting!
And to the strongest will go the youngest,
For it is the youngest,
Whose blood is purest,
As yet,
There are many still around,
Who have the taste
Of naturality,
The flowery aroma,
And smooth skin
Of the gods,
The blush of love,
Upon their cheeks.
But,
How long will that last?
How many have drought,
Too deeply,
Of their own poison veins,
****** upon too long,
By their spidery companions,
That all the children,
Are born as aged ones?
I laugh in jaded confusion,
All this,
Because you never learned,
The Balance,
Of Yes
And,
No
Or where to find ambrosia.

I feel you freer, closer, deeper
Your love a sleepy, peaceful cloud
that lulls my head to joyful dreamland
Though the space between us is a thousand miles twice
I feel you, and your love surrounds me

We fought to keep our balance
as the island burned around us

Tears mixing with the waves
like unbottled messages
sent to speak our sorrow to other shores

You carried us separately
until these paths converged
You hold us now
Together
we learn to share
our space within Your arms
and press deeper down upon Your heart
Encircled in this firm embrace
which seals our fate
In Love

My warm friend
You bring me quiet joy

I dream of you
then think about looking up definitions for love

Stark walls
pressed between the melting wax of stained glass
My eyes adjust to a new focus
even as I fight to see more clearly
in this muddy rubble
What rises up?
Beautiful buried things
Awake at last

Come Forth
And dance upon the dead

glass windows
crystal panes
quite mesmerized am I
colored parts
crimson shards
I wish to have you for my eyes
womanly arch above my head
your shapes are all that I have bled
my story starts like your creation

there was a time when all you were
was magnificent idea
in the mind of a man
a quiet plan unwelcome in the land
a time when you were a naked chaos
trampled by cattle
the dust watched your birth
you rose screaming from earth
men cursed while they worked
a torture
an eyesore
with potential at best

Barren poles for arms
Slabs of marble legs
when your beauty arrived
all were surprised
and verified the validity
of your maker's pride
his blood, your paint
his teeth become your enameled wall
the iris of his eyes, your windows
his mind the crowning dome
his life the mascara of your shadows

the bones are at rest now
no one pounds out their song
on the old wintry walls
and the days are long
the wounds shown are old
long out of style
you will soon  recover from man's victory
and slip back into old ways
for from dust you were taken

If everyone looks at me at the party
if everyone laughs at my jokes
Be proud, Mama

I miss you,
Clear cut,
Crystal globe,
When the stories of the past,
Hung more or less straightly,
Like the ribben suspending you

It was not silent,
On the day of your birth,
No,
A Harp began to play,
The chords of your song,
And the Angels danced,
And sang along,
Rejoicing,
As they always do,
When gifts like you,
Are given to,
Us all.

The delight in heaven,
Was loud,
When you accepted,
your Grace,
In God,
Forever.

Like bits of broken chocolate,
lying on the floor,
I noticed your existence,
nothing more,
until melting on my feet,
sticking to my soul,
you touched me

the quicker you cry
the faster your face will be dry
And your mind clear again

You used to be so far away,
Your colorless face was hard, surrounded by clouds
And I never tried to hold Your hand,
But now, I see you ever clearly,
The brown of Your beard, and I feel Your arms
So soft and strong about me,
My heart starts to beat in time with Yours,
And my head rests in Your lap,
I know the safest place, and my dearest friend
So much more, but everything they said
Oh, I cry out for a more true vision,
And a stronger touch,

I bow, I dance, I sit, I cry, I lie in helpless heap at Your feet

I am like a bird, shaking out it’s wrinkled wings to finally fly,
When I am strengthened by Your heart

Mommy must have thought Dad would love her less if she got fat
(I laugh at such an obvious lie)
She was sad her daughters were chubby
(One got anorexia, but I didn't change)
She told me my knees were ugly
I shouldn't wear such short skirts
fat legs weren't pretty
What?! 17 mag didn't say that!
But the lie hurt and tore my confidence
A crop top with a round belly isn't ugly either,
Ok?
No, I'm not OK
What do clothes have to do with freedom?
I dress for attention sometimes
But it's not ******
Is it alright to dress for attention?
We all want to look nice and get a complement
This Is My Freedom
It's Worth The Fight

outlines of red for a head
purple lines for a spine
icy pink run the length of arms
blue and green swirls for hips
silvery golden shins rise above brown feet
colored for heat and earth

the mind is deepest
here all things melt and meld
to slide down the spine
and cool to hardened action in the arm
the hips support and are friendly relief
the shins reflect the stars
and feet ground you to nature
the essence of where you are

The call of a goldfinch wakes me
My eyes flutter open
I see it’s bright yellow body flit through the night dark branches
Oh, Willow!
Why are you so far from home?

our minds spin off on their own little threads
run away to make their own sense
since I took this blue
I think my picture must be true
but I'll wait to see if it comes
cause the fake gold is my own and it usually knots
About which we love to dream
constructing our own little covers
Turn laughing to see what the Real has brought us
So different
So similar
So perfect and fine in the loveliest ways
what I wove would never have fit me
But You do

Poise and rationality
I think we can all agree
are key characteristics of Queens
but I’m starting to fear
that these things will never darken my door
thrown open wide to the wind as it is
No
The shadows that darken my halls are different

Like a caterpillar, speaking with the artist,
Am I with you,
You have told me what colors will be on my wings,
Colors others don’t want to see,
But when the time comes,
I will fly, and be every color you want me to be

Mama didn't wear make-up often
but she knew how to put on a good mask
All I saw were the tears that leaked out from underneath

it’s tears and weeping
groaning struggles
that tear down what keeps us from you
Only pain can take us
teach us to enter
Your spirit dimension
the waters of suffering
wash the ***** windows of our eyes
grimed from day to day lies
We can’t keep the dirt from building up
until pain teaches us to cry
cry quickly
to wash it all away in honesty
And in that moment we catch clearer glimpses of You
Slowly memorizing Your form and face
until we can trust
even when our eyes are closed and grimed

I’m a stranger walking through a wonder world
colors dripping down my walls
Sudden like hidden koolaid in a showerhead
purposeful like a bath in paint
Watercolors of all my favorite songs
and so many new ones
Today I’m tired and slightly lonely
it’s a dreary day
I’m lighting up with a dizzy rainbow mix
of beats
in the absence of a working tub
I’ll stand up and steam myself to sleep

Bouncing bubbles, pink and green,
Sweetest sight I’ve ever seen,
Telling of a girl scrubbed clean,
Floating rainbows, see their sheen,
Dancing down upon a bath,
Little circles from a splash,
Swirling colors, gold and red,
Water’s gone, now time for bed.
One survives and wanders on,
Comes to hover o’er the lawn,
Now reflecting starry light,
Disappears into the night

I awoke
from hungry dreams
my soul hardly rested
weary from a fight
I carelessly gave my cells
in a vain bid to feed them
I forced my tongue to swallow poison
the taste had dulled to acid gray
My hands would not throw the dish away
so I sacrificed what I could not afford
releasing scarlet gold
from crying holes
I awoke
from hungry dreams
to another day of wretchedness

Addicted,
                   To poetry,
And comments,
                      and hearts,
to myself
                    and my words
Experiment
                  when I'm supposed to be accomplishing
academically
                   my professor
is worried already
                    who knew
I would be
                     Addicted

You washed me in your ****** rain
so soaked into my core
taking all the ****** parts
and sewing up the place they tore

Now all I need is crystal clear
the daily rain of words
to keep me clean
and wash the skin
that's healing cold and sheer

I feel snowflake dreams
slip from weakened fingers
How I promised to keep you
and meet you up the mountain
I stand in shadow
the dim edge of early morning
convinced the peak will turn gold without me

Your poems remind me . . .

of the scripts the priests did write
points of light among Dark Ages
illuminated by stark events
the gold and red of the best
written ever painfully
the victors and heros
teaching now
their keen advice
with elegant prose
spun well enough to entice
the wise
their words verified
by the baring of
their bruised and broken souls

I’m not saying I own no diamonds,
I’m not saying I have no gold,
I just don’t think I have that beauty,
The kind that you can hold,
I’m not the stuff of legends,
My treasure’s not in bling,
The words I say are all a wreck,
I’m not worthy of a King,
But why I know You’re beautiful,
Why I’ve heard You sing,  
Is because You still accept me,
In spite of everything.

I don’t want you to feel tainted
I don’t like that some people see you as *****
***** hippie
But maybe that’s because we’re a lot a like
Some people think I’m *****
***** hippie
I don’t shave my legs out of compassion for the earth
to reduce plastic waste by not buying razors
to love my legs just like God made them
I want you to love you like God made you
And I know you work hard to ignore how you’re painted
to love yourself radically
What people call you
***** hippie
I know the only man who calls you that loves you like crazy
But I’m afraid you know other people think it
Even though you have cleaner hair than me
Tattoos last forever
No they don’t
Nothing lasts forever
Except for love
***** hippie

I'm happy
I'm strong
I'm not faithless
I often believe I am weightless
But today I have seen
Some cracks in between
the boards of the box where my name is

I confess it wouldn't surprise me
that you think it's highly unlikely
that a girl of my sage
should be in a cage
of faulty romantics unsightly

Not sure how I got in this mess
If you're the one, even less
Unstriking hight
Handsome and light
In the air are my hopes like a kite

This isn't the worst I have been
Wes was a fire times ten
I do think you're cute
With weirdness to boot
Do I have to endure this again?

All day
it’s been like this since Friday night
Like little pinpricks
short stabs of adrenaline
giving me an increasing amount of jitters and pain
with no beautiful passion or art to show for all the hormone fireworks
I’m not depressed
I’m not anxious
but I’m suffering directionless excitement
My journey of healing has brought me to this mountain and commanded that I climb
So I climb
I have no choice but to rise
Reaching up with bruised and blistered fingers
it’s the only way to leave my ruined body behind

wondrous conundrum
perplexing sublimation
that as I build the fires in other's hearts
my own brightness grows
to unclothe for the naked
is to find ever increasing layers on my skin
Giving out gold
only to find my glinting hands fuller
Placing rubies in my sister's crown
and finding my own circlet more heavy

You cannot hunger and thirst for righteousness
until you have hungered and thirsted
To gain in spirit is to lose in flesh
No one learns a deep lesson from a place of comfort

So often
human intelligence has failed to understand
the reality that awaits in Heaven
of pure, unhindered connection
deepest connection
far deeper than the intractable sea trenches of our own world
And yet, quite reachable it will be
Deep and Seen
every swimming prize recognized
each long lost golden treasure
at long last recovered
The manmade glories set beside the natural

Don’t answer me,
Ignore my words to you,
Or better yet,
Never see them,
Forget my face,
And do not remember my voice,
Though what I wrote seems innocent,
Folly is their birth,
And my gentle proddings,
Will only bring the curse,
That drags down my head again,
You are free,
I cannot bring you to the cage,
I was chosen to live in,
I long to live as free as you,
And dance with you,
In your world,
But soon that may be impossible,
For where I head,
I tread lightly,
Dance secretly,
And don black,
For the souls of the green,
Would you chain yourself for me?
I could never ask you to,
For I don’t chain myself for me,
But God,
Binder and Unbinder.

Sometimes I look at all my art
in rapturous awe
other times in apathy
but mainly with pride
Some days
I think I’m just a ******* mess
A ****** rainbow built from dumb and harmful ideas