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Elioinai Apr 2020
Maybe I don’t know
like you do
how to tiptoe to the edge
barely getting in
barely feeling water on your feet
Maybe it’s because it scares me
I only know how to jump
All In
All In
I’m up to my waist
while you’re still at the shore
My legs feel like ice
but you’re walking away
Elioinai Jul 2015
3 words I hold close to my heart
They hesitate to step on my tongue
I'd rather go spin my poetic art
then say what's already been sung
I love you
Elioinai Jan 2020
I burn
so much hotter
than most men
But am I
a candle
burning at both ends?
Elioinai Oct 2014
My tummy hurts again,
From what I didn’t know,
Would hurt intestines weak from fear,
Of another vandalizing idiot.
Pure and fresh,
Rot to make flesh,
That will last the grinding days,
Long enough to sing,
As complete as You would wish,
And binding together to be more whole,
Than I have ever been.
I don’t like to be told,
That all this was airy lies, and empty bowls,
The plates piled high with man-made leeches,
Killing me and you, one by one, then all at once,
In avalanche catastrophe,
Does the truth come at long last?
After decades of mindless tastes,
And steps towards this disaster,
Do we now come to the truth?
Oh, God, help me to know,
And be well.
July 3, 2013
Elioinai Dec 2018
I see a lot of people calling this year crazy
But I’m not among them
My year was not crazy
well . . .
I know some people who might call it that
but they live such quiet, boring lives
I lived life high
So High
my highest yet
As heavy as my heart still is
It’s a thousand times lighter than last year
and I know it is but tremors of the coming days ahead
What flight is in my future?
How wide will my wings yet be?
Thank you, 2018, for the belated joy and confidence
Elioinai Sep 2016
My God is living color
a translucent Fire
the traces of Your fingers drip like Gold
Your face blood Ruby red
split with veins of Garnet orange
Carnelian swirls ascending from Your feet
Revelation 4:3
Elioinai Sep 2016
I wonder where my words went
they stick in pots of ink
floating, lazy swimmers
shirking precious duty
what do I pay them for
if not to arise and fill my pen
How does writing on my lack of inspiration  always work?
Elioinai Oct 2014
Oh God, I long for you
I miss the times I felt you keenly,
Your fingers on my hand,
And your breath upon my head,
Oh God, I long for my friend
And to see you once again,
As the lover ever at my side,
I want to have all of you, to be united with you,
To enjoy the full joy of what is reflected,
In the love of a man and a woman,
We both stand here, with our hearts exposed,
Vulnerable and we’re gonna get hurt because of me,
You sacrifice yourself for me, and I still don’t understand
That you will never leave or take your love from me,
My heart is lashed to yours with everlasting cords,
They will beat as one, and mine join the glorious drumbeat of your children
The sweet taste of love, I try to ration out,
Like this precious thing must be of dwindling sum,
But though it may be little in other’s lives,
Love is the most abundant thing on earth,
And I am invited to drink, and drink, and drink
From your cup that never bites,
Oh, increase my thirst, enlarge my throat,
And my cravings for this love, Oh Lord
Help me take the gifts you give me.
That is the hardest thing for me,
To come and ask, to know I need,
Help, and love, and comfort from you,
Not just when I feel the hurt, for numb I often am,
Or ignore the pain,
I want to dance with you every night,
To stand with my head held high with the confidence,
Only the King can bring.
December 2, 2014
Elioinai Sep 2019
I wash your feet with my tears
bringing every overflow of my heart to You
I do not have to turn away
or hide my face in wait for composure
You ask to see it all
so I place my present in Your presence
Elioinai May 2018
deep in your godman
waiting in the core of your spirit being
There’s an apology for me
Your soul had yet to meet it’s pressure point
Your best features still buried
in the unconscious dirt that clings
to every human
It’s not something I want presented now
Not a crystal I want to hold
so I trust it’s sitting in your heart
As God turns all your mistakes to gold
Elioinai Jul 2019
Growing up gracefully
is learning when to lean into yourself
and when to lean into someone else
Elioinai Dec 2018
The Gardener has Come
to **** out every Fear
Elioinai Aug 2018
I’m learning I’m an ocean
full of uncharted depths
made just for me to explore
I’m far more interesting than a few little coves
I’ve got trenches
and reefs
and beasts
And I’ll never reach the end of it
Elioinai May 2015
did I place a leech inside my heart
or is my dangerous dream a divine tattoo?
A silver, dangling I love you?
A worm I feed with daydreams
I need
to starve it out?
A small question I patiently wait for the answer to.
Elioinai Oct 2015
Advice is cheap
It comes out so smoothly
easier than compliments
which I could give more freely
Honestly I'd rather listen
and watch our faces tumble down together
as you speak of all the tender places
Life has found to pinch you
But there are no eyes to see upon this black and white screen
and supporting arms must be constructed
out of paper thin words
so flighty in their meaning
which fall apart like card pyramids
at one breath of misunderstanding
My profile is no weighty substitute for
the eternalness of audible sighs of a friend
But I want you to know that I heard you
For Wesley McMillan and Gavin especially, and everyone else who's painful lyrics I have given a ♡ but been unable to comment on
Elioinai Nov 2017
When I met you
I met a new me
and it’s like learning how to fly
I’m in the air for the first time
Elioinai Feb 2018
Don’t blame the darling
for trying to seem so familiar
She only wants to be your home
Reflecting all your friends
So when you’re with her you never feel alone
There’s nothing left to miss
if every kiss contains a taste
of everything you ever loved

you smell the detergent your mother used
on all her clothes
she mouths the words to every song you play
In the stones of her mind she’s carved every compliment you ever gave her
But also . . . the criticism
and when the stones begin to crush her
She will hate everything she’s done
Elioinai Sep 2018
I was born on the outside
raised by ones who some might call commoners
But a different song sang through their blood
I was born as an outcast
rescued from the cruel
I was taught adoption is a way of life
For those cradled in the arms of the world
Drink all they want from her breast
They do not ask for my love
It is only the outcasts
who see my open arms as a balmy haven
and come to rest
Away from Windy earth for a moment
And I will love You
You need only to ask
You need only to stay
And I will share my bread with you
a meal for one
becomes more when stretched for two
Elioinai Oct 2014
Like a flag lowered
At the end of the day,
Folded and put away,
Is this part of my heart.

Like a book lying on a table,
Long since read,
That part is dead.

My colors don’t snap gaily in the breeze,
Nor am I overcome by a sense of adventure,
Impatient to turn the page.
Jan 30, 2013
Elioinai Oct 2014
Like a land just under downpour,
Calm and shining,
Soaking up the puddles on the ground,
Its colors turned vibrant,
Wondering how a thunderstorm could only just have passed,
December 4, 2012
Elioinai Oct 2014
Sometimes I wonder,
if my lines,
For Ulysses,
Are chains,
Instead of freedom,
Closer to a siren,
Then the angel I wish I was,
My great poetry,
A trap,
Setting me up,
To remember,
A waste of time,
Not that You are a waste,
Oh great one,
But my heart spends its energy on useless things,
Add my mouth eats too much chocolate.
July 14, 2014
Elioinai Nov 2020
Every time I slow my mind down
I have a moment of peace
but then I freak out

Because pace is something I don’t have
if direction is sight, I’m incurably blind

When I stop to reflect
I want to throw up
And jump out

But I can’t run
when I’m stuck in exhaustion on this couch

I wrestle with believing I’m worth more than this
and feeling I aught to be more grateful that I can even walk

I find you lie to me
You cannot stay with me
Only love is power in me

Freedom is stepping forward in hope
and taking what I prayed for
Because I am worth more

I’m worth the crown God gave me
Elioinai Oct 2019
I find myself
strangely silent
my chat box sits empty
I think of you and sigh
once I did so well
why do my fingers hang so limply now?
my heart cools
as if floating in a murky pond
and I don’t know if I’m too busy
I’m too content
or I’m too ambitious
to pursue again
Or if I don’t believe
I know how to find a heart at all
I never was very good at window shopping or enjoying walking malls
Elioinai Nov 2014
Your tremors
of joy
are my heart beats
Elioinai Jun 2017
my love leaks today
spilling out like scarlet drops
rolling over sorrows hills to find
a glass house to fill
a few tried to find
ways to go back
to a previous vessel
that broke to send them fleeing in return
to Me
But as your dark face arose before me
all I felt was a quiet disgust
And my drops of love sighed
"No bottled home for thee is found"
And their home must be my heart
So much bleeding. Emotional and physical. But my father told me I'm a very special person and he's so thankful to be blessed by my presence.
Elioinai Jun 2020
If there was ever a man I worshiped
it would be Jon (Jon, Jon)
But it doesn’t make me special
to see his kingdom
His dream
His potential
I’m one in a million
Hell, it’s more than millions
But I can rise above a fan base
Because my face
and my talents
can put me high up
in this race
I’ll meet my idols someday
“It’s what they all say”
Is naysay
And I’m not afraid to waylay
and mug all my fears in an alleyway
My kingdom
My dreams
My potential
aren’t what anyone’s expecting
see, so far they think they’ve been letting
letting me be here
But “they” be forgetting
that as a child of God
is mine
And I’m not gonna hold myself back from asking
Elioinai Dec 2018
I wonder where you are now
remembering you like a balmy breeze I felt on a spring day
standing on the sand of the Indian River
the gentle comfort you brought me
a nice memory
I hope you are well
and as happy as a breeze should be
Elioinai Oct 2014
"I thought we were good people, Mama"
"It was the books you read,
Not the words I said,
my child.
I didn't spare your ears,
and when you threatened tears,
I let the truth march on"
"Then how did I grow being proud,
singing our national anthems loud,
sure it was good to be American?
My country has stolen, my country has *****, made every poisened mistake,
and it WON'T STOP!"
" That is true,
my child, but it is good to be you.
Apologize for your cousins and fathers and aunts, if you must,
and your purchased slave chocolate,
slave t-shirts, and jewelry
my child,
not EVER,
should you apologize for being yourself"
Being a child of an Army brat fathet  and a mother who grew up between France, Cot'd Ivoire and the US, I may not be stereotypically American minded but I am learning not to be ashamed of me even as I learn my true history.
Elioinai Mar 2016
Find me in the Spring
and I will love you freer
I feel so light and happy
Elioinai Aug 2016
Love explodes like little paint tubes
pressurized inside my heart
color shoots
and streaks
across all these walls and chambers
dripping down through all my veins
a rainbow stretched from chest to feet
Elioinai Nov 2017
deep eyes
always ready to stare straight into yours
Lips that don’t ask personal questions
and only volunteer a few of his own
with laughing humility
Quick to tease gently
arms that hug with a whisper that says
“stay here as long as you need”
I pray you all have angels
Elioinai Sep 2018
I think my greatest power discovery
is finding I’m strong enough to love myself
and it’s not hard
because I’m very lovable
Elioinai May 2017
I pleasure not
in memory of your kisses
Like sculptures in the sand
a child sure will stay
until bubbly waves wash away
the glorious towers
of yesterday
I like how the beach returns
Smooth again and calm
Elioinai Jan 2019
Ah, all these foolish feelings
yet I love myself for all my silliness
at least I have that
Elioinai Aug 2018
when cultivating a will to live is too difficult
I settle for drowning out the desire to die
Life is good, but I can’t sleep, so I can’t do healthy things
Elioinai Jun 2019
I do not answer a fool in his folly
for the retorts of a fool are too many
Elioinai Apr 2017
I have longed for him with despair
But for You it is with a Bright Hope
a soft and resting air
I have no promise of his return
as I imagine my fingers in his hair
But I feel Your invisible arms
Stronger than his physical being could dare
Elioinai Oct 2014
To return to my family is not ecstasy,
They no longer reside in my home,
But rather a great relief to my soul,
As I sit with the people who always will love me.
I cry for the friends that they left behind,
And anxiously wait for their visit,
But I have all I need in my arms.
May 14, 2012
My family has moved a lot, and this particular move was the hardest for us
Elioinai Aug 2018
And in this red moment
nothing would please me more than being called a firecracker
Elioinai Sep 2018
I tell my children
“Do it”
They say
“I can’t”
I say
“You can”
They say
“I don’t know how”
I say
“Yes, you do”
They start to cry
I say “Just try, and I’ll help you if you can’t”
Most times they do it by themselves
Just do it, just try, and it might be so much easier than you thought
Elioinai Nov 2018
just to tell you
I have a VORACIOUS appetite
for love and honesty
Elioinai May 2018
It’s late
and it’s been so long
since such pressure built up inside my art room
my heart’s now exploding
like so many glorious paint tubes
Elioinai Jul 2015
I miss you
but I bind my wrists when I think of you
Was I a fool . . .
Your name now on the list
A thought that's only wist-
as I bite my tongue and turn away
shake out your image from my head
before I bludgeon my chest
remembering my quiet idiocy
And your dimpled smile

My last words
You never answered
It brings relief to write and my hands become free again
Elioinai Aug 2017
giving safe people swords
to tear apart your mind
She is safe, he is safe, I am safe
Elioinai Dec 2014
I would have fallen for anyone
I guess
It isn't your fault you came when you did
right when my heart was
falling from its pedestal
I hacked with my stress
and I slipped on a mess
I forgot to clean up
Elioinai May 2018
I used to want a man to lead me
But now I know I won’t allow
my feet to be forced to go
a way I wasn’t walking
I used to want a man to teach me
But now I know I won’t allow
my mind to be forced into
a different, “better” mold
I used to want a man to keep me
But now I know I won’t allow
someone to protect me
when I know how to protect myself
I used to think a man would define me
But now I know I won’t allow
myself to be anything but me
Elioinai Nov 2018
Your cologne smelled like happiness and contentment
Lingering on my scarf,
I smiled all the way home
Elioinai Oct 2014
The background comes together slowly, made from bits of headache and lingering sleepiness,
A stray emotion from a movie scene, and some constrained memories;
Blue wind blowing over low hills, with a distant Grecian temple.
In the foreground are many hormones, so tiring to me and contributing to every feeling here,
Represented as red spikes and hard geometric figures.
Opposite these is a hardened tree, standing firm for what I see,
As right.
And flowing across the very bottom of the page, is a happy brook,
Calming the hormones, watering the tree, and giving life to the image.
Today the tree fights to see clearly, but the hills seem steep, and the wind is cold,
The temple so sweet and the memories calling,
Chemicals burn.
But the water soothes, and sings its song and draws the tree away,
The sky is dark but the break of day,
Is coming.
November 12, 2012
Elioinai Jan 2019
Oh Bleeding Heart
up on a shelf
You always tug on mine
So rough around the edges
but without withholding any thought
You paint the surest picture of humanity
Watching you becomes like being pierced
with rainbow needles
It seems the Way you sing your life
You can’t open your mouth without spitting blood
You have your teeth and need no knife
I wish I was inspired to write for you a balm
But no such calm intrudes
Type 4s incite each other
Fire feeding off of Fire
fighting for a stage
at once against and together
Elioinai Jul 2015
watercolor rainbow
washing away
my iris streaked across my face
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