The stars are falling off my ceiling.

I'm paying bills,
Buying college books,
Saving for a car,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My calendar is full
Marked with appointments
And work hours

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My friends are getting married,
Having children,
And buying houses,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

Like the child
In my heart
Is emaciating,

I'm twenty years old,
And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

As soon as I reach out
For an extended hand
I pull back
And tell myself
"I'm fine".

It's hard to say
When the first onset
Of insecurities
Had taken place

Was it at 17?
When I stared deep
Into the mirror
Despising the reflection?

Was it at 15?
When I dug my fingernails
Into the side of my thigh
When he made me feel like used garbage?

Was it at 13?
When I showed
My mom that award
And it was carelessly tossed on the table?

Was it at 11?
When the snickers
Of my classmates
Reached my heart?

Was it at 9?
When I watched
Mother try to desperately
Cover her imperfections with powder?

Self love?
Self love?
Self love can't dwindle away
When it never existed.

And now at the age
Of barely 20,
I've been searching
The ground
For a speck
Of confidence
And trying my best
To piece together
A backbone
That I never had.

How am I supposed to be something great,
When I can't even get myself up out of bed?

There's something about the night
That brings out raw emotion.
Maybe it's the moonlight,
Somber and sad
Or the quiet loneliness
That leaves you with your thoughts.
But for some
Unexplained reason
The pain we carry
During the day
Spills out of the cracks
Of the broken heart
When the sun sets
And the moon
Takes its place
In the sky

My anxieties mimic a droplet
Dripping into calm pond waters
Starting at first small,
But rippling and
Growing bigger...
And bigger...
And bigger.

Beautiful people,
Unfair lives.
Why must they suffer?
Why do they cry?
Undeserving pain,
Underlying depression.
Never fading scars
And memory repression.
Their pasts' brimming
With agonizing sadness
And innocent minds
Plagued with madness.

Peer into the compact mirror
And disguise the trails
Of dried tears
With beige powder.
Cover up the road map
Etched into your foundation.
Now, pull yourself together,
Drag your *** out the door.
And don't forget to fake a smile.
It's all about putting on a show
And suffering in silence.

God knows I'd rather do that
Than open my mouth.

She assured me
That she knew her limit,
But it didn't take long
Until she drank herself
Into total oblivion
Out cold on the floor
With dried tears on her cheeks.
She tries to drown
Her demons in *****
But she tends to forget
That alcohol ...
Only makes them stronger.

Before the dusting
In my eyes can be swept
My arms are already
Searching for you.
Your lips
Slightly parted,
Inviting me
To kiss them.
Listening to your
Steady breaths,
Watching your chest
Rise and fall.
The stillness
And peacefulness
That rests upon
Your eyelids,
Make me want
To relive this
Every morning
For the rest of my days.

You don't express love in the ways that I want you to,
But you express it in the ways that you know how.

Tangled in
Wrinkled bed sheets
And foggy thoughts
It's still there
The monster I tried
Running from last night
Is ramming its horns
Into my bruised ribs
My appearance resembling
A lazy, hopeless stoner
All of September
Has been a blur
Wiggle into yesterday's clothes
To meet up with the dealer
Just to purchase some
Temporary happiness
Just so the edges
Of my mouth
Could crack
The frown lines
"**** it."
I said
With the flick
Of the lighter
It's not even about
Getting high anymore
It's about escaping
Even for just a while

Muffled screams
Caged behind my lips
     Just keep quiet,
Says the voice in my head,
          *People have real problems.

Summer weekends
Lifetime struggles
Just three friends
Sharing their troubles

Sure, we drank
Sure, we smoked
Spilled out feelings
And tears were provoked

But this was us venting
And it oddly felt good
We trusted each other
And we all understood

Underneath the ceiling of stars,
Your finger traced constellations
That told legends about Gods.
We'd settle on the swing set
I spent my childhood on
And smoke cigarettes
Talking about how we felt so old
All the while still feeling so young.
And there were moments
When I'd look at you
And marvel at your presence,
Just thanking the universe
For being privileged to love you.

I can't come to rest my sorrow
On the crutches of religion
But instead believe
In total oblivion

No pearly gates
No heavenly music
Just utter nothingness
And that oddly comforts me

No restrictions on this short life
No Almighty God to obey
Instead just simply live
Just how you want

I'm alone with so much on my mind
And I swear it's eating me alive
Like those demons in my head are hungry
And my brains are on the buffet

I got a taste
Of your absence
From my life
When I woke up
With my eyes wet
And hands clenched
Visions of your leaving
Swirling in my head
I became stone
And not one part of me
Wanted to move
Afraid I may crack
But only after
I fought through the
Haze of last night
I realize I was only dreaming
My heart is removed
From the guillotine
And relief washes
Over my stiff body
Oh deary, this isn't
The first time
My dreams have
Pained me like this

Pull the strings
Laced upon those wrists
Act, puppet!
Act!
For if they're pleased
With what they see on the outside
They won't take a second
To question the inside

So act, puppet!
Act!

They say pain
Changes people
And I just haven't
Been the same since