my mistakes have been haunting me
they begin to cover me like a rain storm
when i've forgotten my umbrella
and i can't find my car keys while digging in
the bottom of my leather purse
its drowning me
all over
but i can still breathe

I thought seeing you would help me heal.
I’m currently trying to patch up the wounds I just reopened.

how do I begin to
let my mind process the thoughts
of giving my body to someone else?
when I don’t even feel like its mine in
the first place.

i wasn't aware of the pain you felt.
but if i could have taken it from you,
i'd let it skin me alive.

its throbbing inside my soul
like a tooth ache.

- wanting to love you again

my body has been aching
it feels worse than the flu i had
when i was a 10 year old child
lifeless and limp
food doesn’t taste the same
my face is starting to look different
its settled into my veins now
and i’m not sure i’ll recover

- you're the virus in my body

i'll forever deny that i still love you
and everyone knows thats the
biggest lie i'll ever tell

I  would have traded hearing you tell me
I don’t love you anymore
For every bone in my rib cage to shatter
It would have ached less

i was angry
how did they not care for you
the innocent boy with blonde hair
blue eyes and
crooked teeth
listening to the worst stories my ears have ever heard
the new towns, new homes, new schools
living in fear
at such a young age
you never had a permeant place to call home
until you met me

as i dangled
as i danced
i no longer could use my voice
nor my own breathe
i was your puppet
on a string
and you controlled every
part of me

my body went into shock
it was like watching a terrible
accident happen right before my eyes
my adrenaline is pumping
my heart is racing
i feel like i've lost all control
sick to my stomach
something i can't quite comprehend
or make sense of

-watching you love someone else

you got stuck
in that same
place you begged me
to help you out of
sinking
like quick sand
now all i can do is
sit back
and watch you drown
in your past

you crept in my window
in the middle of the night
to steal all i had
right from me
nothing left in sight
place your hands around my
mouth
and now i can't breathe
the loneliness has robbed me
of everything

i'm afraid to see the dentist
it isn't the drill
or the long needle
that presses into your gums
that terrifies me
its the numb
for so long i couldn't feel a thing
but it finally wore off one day
and i don't want to know
that that feels like anymore

you knew i could take care of them
i could nurture them
you orphaned your demons
at the doorstep of my soul
now they’ve started their chaos inside of me

- i can’t adopt them

i wish i could make you disappear from my mind
- i'm no magician

saying i love you
to get you to stay
was like burning my
tongue on a sip of black coffee


-its scorching me

every time i see you, it's like looking into the sun
- it hurts

how do i pick my poison?
when loving you, and leaving you
are both equally toxic.

loving you was indeed a car crash
you hit me so hard i could feel the glass shards
of my heart shattering all around me
i could feel the pieces sticking into my skin
you left me with broken bones and dents

i didn't wake up one morning
and decide to stop loving you
i'd never be that cruel

i bought the brightest colors of bandages from the drug store,
i put them all over the the scrapes you left on my skin.
i wrote on top of them with a sharpie.
all the words you said, so everyone knows why i’m hurt.

i couldn't figure out what was worse
smoking or loving you
either one would turn my lungs black
and stop my heart eventually

state of you
i've moved to a new state
the one in my mind
they call it missing you
every night i drive by buildings
i look above the doors
addresses are nailed to the walls
the numbers are made up of significant dates that
meant something to us
the billboards i pass are full of
old pictures of our memories
and the stop lights are every color
that made up your eyes

i picked a rose today.
off a bush
that sits underneath
my childhood window.
the thorn poked into my skin.
i watched as the blood started to trickle
down my finger.
i stood there and pondered.
which one holds the most beauty?
the rose that i just picked,
that will be put into a jar and wilt away?
or the blood spewing out of my finger
as a reminder that i’m still alive.

taunting,
like my childhood bully
on the blacktop
of the elementary school i once attended.
poking me all over.
tormenting me.
the mocking laughter.
kicking me in the ribs,
until i ran out of air.
that's what our memories
feel like

for the longest time,
my pillow case was
the only one who
saw me cry.

you poured gasoline
inside of my lugs
you struck the match
and watched as the inferno begun

was i turning into something that you hate?
did my face, or name not feel the same?

beauty is not defined by
the colors of pigment you brush onto your skin
to hide what you believe are flaws.
its not defined by the fibers you glue onto
your eye lids.
nor the creams and glosses you swipe upon your lips.
beauty is not defined by the skin tones
that rest on top of your bones,
or what colors of silk lay upon your head.

beauty lies peacefully within the soul, mind, and spirit.

you are beautiful.

you said its what you needed.
what the doctor had ordered.
picked it up from the pharmacy.
it would ease the discomfort,
aches, pains, soreness,
and finally you would
feel yourself again.
after all the years of suffering,
you could finally love me right.
but i don't recall doctors prescribing
whiskey in a prescription bottle.

what is love
love is a best friend to dry the tears of todays struggles.
love is stirring the pancake batter while making breakfast together.
love is getting entirely lost on our first road trip.
love is the first fight over something so irrelevant you can't remember why you started to fight.
love is 2am playing card games with each other
while listening to classic rock and drinking beer.
love is a slow dance in the hallway on the way to bed.
love is you.

my past lies behind me
like the hairs that are tangled
into a bun resting on the back of my neck
like the world that dangles in my rear view mirror of my vintage
car with the torn seats
it comes to me daily
in everything i do
its there
it always will be there
but my future reminds me as its gushing through my windshield onto my face
its making my long brunette waves shimmer
and my olive skin glow
that something brighter is ahead

you forgot to take it
to the curb
you forgot to empty it
your mind had been full
overflowing with the memories of us
it sat there for awhile
you wanted to keep them but
they began to
decompose
perish
rot to their cores
and the smell lingered
you started to bag it all up
one by one you put pieces of us
in a jet black
plastic bag
with a twist tie
and walked us to the curb

you had arms
covered in them
it was artwork of the things
who made up
who you had been
and who you are presently
you gave me my first cigarette
and you also saved my life
your mother still asks about me
and I will always wonder
my place in your life

every time i see you
i want to cut my hair
you loved it long
i will become
everything you hate

its summer
4th of July
our 2 year old is in her wading pool
my husband is grilling
i'm sitting next to my child
she looks just like her father
eyes and all
you laugh because
she looks nothing
like you at all
everything you've wanted is right in front of you
you prayed long hours at night for these things
you waited
then you woke up
all alone in a queen size bed
all to yourself
a lump in the back of your throat has now formed
why?
i have no right to be upset about a dream
but i was so close to having these things
now its haunting me while i sleep

i was the flesh you needed
to cover your aching bones
but then your skeleton
decided he didn't need a home

i've created many storms inside myself
i'm afraid to cry now
when i do
it releases from my body
the lighting strikes
the thunder begins to clap
the wind is very strong
and its destroying everything it its path

keep whispering
piercing promises
until my ears started to bleed
make me believe
make me believe
you won't ever leave

a needle
a spool of thread
you offered to sew me back together
you helped take the stitches out
of the wounds you made

my heart was started to skip beats
my hands trembling
my head was spinning
sweating
nausea
lethargic
every noise i heard started to
sound like nails on a chalk board
i was confused
i reached for a body that was no longer settled into my sheets
as the pupils of my amber colored eyes had dilated
i was seeing double of you
was this a nightmare
i was detaching from you
my drug
with drawls had begun

if you wanted to be a part of my world again
you'd be the biggest continent its ever seen

i remember a time
i was a bird, free from her cage.
finally spreading my wings.
i flew as fast as i could.
and when the small metal
opening that was keeping me locked in
had finally opened,
i got to show the world
how i soar.