He
Broke my wings
So I couldn’t

Fly

So I stole his soul
So he couldn’t

Die

You said “ I would follow you to hell”

What you didn’t know was that I was already there.

The road is long,
The wait is short.

Today I poured a cup of whiskey for a man that’ll never drink it,
The bar tender said “where’s your friend”
“In heaven” I replied,

His face looked solemn,
And for a second I swear I saw him have a flash back in his eyes,
He poured another cup of whiskey,
“For the ones that left to early, this ones on the house”

And so the glasses stayed there,
Un-drank, all night.
When I went to leave they where still sitting, Lonely against the counter top.

I walked by in the morning, there was a police line by the door.
The bartender took a shot gun after closing and used it on himself.

Through the window I could still see the glasses of untouched whiskey,
But instead of two glasses there were three.

For ten months I’ve watched you struggle,
And for ten months I’ve felt helpless.
First it was the percs,
I asked you why,
You said “boredom”
Next is was *******,
I asked you why,
You said “so I can get off the percs”
After that it was Xanax,
I asked you why,
“Because the coke ate a hole through my nose”

I just hope that we don’t have to dig a hole for you.
Instead of me shifting through your boxes desperately trying to find your stash,
You’ll be in the box, we’ll pour dirt over you, and our tears will never dry up.

Except today when your aunt asked you how you want us to arrange your funeral
You said you wanted to be cremated
So I guess you’ll just be dust.

I took apart your apartment, just to find your drugs. Now it’s as messy as you’ve become ,
I left your house feeling like I’ve already lost you,
Addiction has its greedy claws stuck in your skin, it’s made you unrecognizable.
We buried Kyle in August, cause he developed a habit and couldn’t shake it, Now I’m Afraid I’ll have to wear black for you soon too,
Please addiction, don’t take another friend from me. Give her back. Please give her back. I don’t have enough boxes to keep fitting their bodies.

I really have to stop eating
Doritos and Diet Coke
for breakfast

I killed someone for you-
And you were glad I did

I killed someone for you-
So you sold my soul for the highest bid

I killed someone for you-
You said it’d set me free

I killed someone for you-
What  I didn’t know
Was that the one I killed
Was me.

Percocet
*******
Xanax
OxyNEO

And god knows what else.
You keep telling me “I’m not high I swear! I’m just tired”
But your lips are tinged blue, you have saliva in the creases of your mouth, your body is frail and sickly looking, your skin so white it’s almost transparent. Your eyes are swollen, glossy, and gaunt, your cheeks are sunken, your hair is tangled and unwashed.

“I’m not high I swear!”

But I don’t believe you. How many times have you said that to me only to confess later that you were, that you found a pill and didn’t have the self control not to take it.

“I’m not high I swear”

Yet you randomly smack your head, blurt out random words and nonsense, forget entire conversations, fall asleep mid sentence.

You said you were clean. But the very next day I get a call telling me that you’ve been arrested for a DUI, you had Xanax and Oxyneos in your toxicology report.

I’m afraid to answer my phone when it rings, I always fear it will be the call that tells me you’ve overdosed.

You said “I don’t need to go to rehab, I can quit myself”
But if that were true, you’d be clean by now. It’s been over a year since you told me you were addicted to pills.
At first it was just a perc or two, and now you are a full blown opioid abuser.

You’ve become the thing you hated most. An addict that can’t admit that they have a problem.

“Im not high I swear”

I can’t count how many times you’ve said that, how many times you lied to my face. So many times I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.
But I know I will, and I know I’ll go home and cry after and pray to god you wake up tomorrow.

I just want my best friend back, the kind and honest loving girl you use to be.
I’m tired of the you you’ve become.
The girl that lies, that steals, that is wasting away.

If only you never took that first pill.

Life is but a blink of the eye,
Death is the real adventure.

He asked me “aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

I said “how could I be? I’m not even alone inside my head”

I asked him, “what is a bird to a worm”

He looked at me and grinned “Food”

I wrinkled my nose,  “but worms don’t eat birds”

He laughed at my innocence and replied, “they do when they’re dead, and one day they’ll eat you too”

Life waits for no one,
& I’m late.

Autumn leaves blowing in the breeze,
Cool wind against my skin,
The seasons are changing as fast as I am,
So what does that mean for us?
Our summer romance is over,
Dry your tears before September turns them to dust,

Bundle up, wrap your arms in cotton,
Guard your heart against the winter chill that’s coming,
Build a fire to thaw your frigid limbs,
I can hear your bones crackling in the flames,

When spring arrives I hope some of our love survives,
These changing seasons,
as they flutter by,
Our skin once fresh and smooth,
Turned stiff and cracked like uncured   leather,

Where did the time go I wonder?
Our youth swallowed by time,
Taken in flashes of quickly aging months,
How many summers passed us by while our heads were in the clouds?

How long before we join the pebbles beneath our feet?
Will we get a chance to see one last season of bare trees,
A sea of red and orange littered upon the ground,
We are changing faster than the seasons.

I keep making the same mistakes in love,
Hoping that one day it’ll be enough,
But every time I get close,
Someone reminds me why I shouldn’t,
Someone steals my hope.
☹︎

When I was four my brother use to catch me snakes, and my sister would buy me donuts, my dad would take me fishing, and my mom would sing to me.

When I was five, my brother could only call me to say he missed me, my sister would write me letters, my dad would drink until the wee hours of the morning,
And my mom was just gone.

I remember sitting in the court house wondering what was happening

“He can have her”

And that was the last time my family was together.

My dad raised me on his own.
A single alcoholic father, raising a little girl
Was not something people were use too.

We lived in a small town, and so they would whisper about the mother who left me behind, and the father that was always drunk.

But even at 5 years old I didn’t mind being alone. My father loved me with all he had, I knew that in my bones.

So the years passed, just the two of us, in a house with empty bedrooms but not empty hearts. I became accustomed to taking care of my fathers hangovers, and walked myself to school, and every Mother’s Day I made my dad a card and picked my neighbors flowers to put in a vase. Though I wondered where my mother was, and why my siblings lived somewhere else, I never once wished my life where different. It was all I knew.
I learned to catch my own snakes, and my dad would buy me donuts, and take me fishing, and sing for me.

From time to time I’d cry silently in my bedroom, wondering why they left. But as I got older I understood that not every family is meant to stay together, that not everyone who has kids is ready to raise them, and that people can fall out of love.

These were all hard lessons, and I learned them early on, but I wouldn’t change a thing, it made me who I am.

My father did finally get sober, and my mother came back into my life, my brother had children, they hang off my arms when I visit, my sister calls me every week, I even have a new brother who looks up to me.

The three paper routes I had as a kid to help my father pay the bills taught me the importance of hard work, the long nights my dad partied taught me to appreciate a good nights sleep, and my family’s separation taught me to cherish what you have.

Nothing’s promised, anything can be taken, so live your life without regrets.
And don’t forget to tell your dad you love them, tell your mother your forgive her, and hug your siblings as often as you can.

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

My heads in the clouds but my body’s glued to the ground,
I’m in ecstasy, I know it’s just a fantasy,
But this highs got me dreaming of a better life,
These pills have me reaching for the light,
I don’t want to fight it, I want to give in,
So let’s smoke another little bit of sin,
Baby let’s get lost in it,
Baby let’s fall in love with it,
Everything will be okay as long as it’s lit,
Yeah we’ll be okay as long as it’s lit,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

I don’t feel anything, no nothing at all,
I want to forget so pass me the alcohol,
I’ve been searching for a solution, you’re the answer to all my problems,
I shoot you through my veins so I have the strength to fight my demons,
It’s got my fragile mind falling into pieces,
This addiction is a monster that needs me to feed it,
When did everything get so twisted,
**** how did I get so twisted,
The train back to sanity- yeah I must have missed it,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

You don’t take away my nightmares, your in them with me,
Instead of this empty shell, you give me hope of what I could be,
It’s a miracle I still exist,
Soon I’ll be making my exit,
By then I’ll be nothing but pieces,
I'll grind them up, rail lines of myself,
Is it to late to ask for help,
F*ck it, light it up,
Light me up,
Chase away the darkness,
I’m an addict, saving me is helpless,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground.

Six feet under, I’m buried in the ground.

You can never tell at the start
Whether they’ll be your biggest joy
Or another lesson learned
I can tell you this
It’s been some time since I’ve been
Blessed with joy
But I’ve learned so many lessons
That soon I’ll be a master in broken hearts.
❣︎

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you, even longer since I’ve seen you,
And although I miss you I’m glad you’re not around,

I’m relieved my phones not ringing at three am, cause every time I thought it’d be someone telling me your body has been found,

My heart breaks every time I see a recent photo of you, the sunken cheeks, the dark circles under your eyes,
Every time I think of how you’ve hurt your body, with every pill that touched your mouth came another string of lies,

I can’t stand the person you’ve become,
I wonder how something so tiny could bring along so much pain,
What Id give to wash away all your sins with a little bit of rain,

The last time you were at my house you promised you were clean,
But your words were slurred, and I could tell reality was less serene,

You fell asleep on my bed within minutes of arriving, I desperately wanted to believe that you were just tired, that this was a result of a year long battle finally won,

I told you I was proud of you,that I loved you, sent you on your way, but in my heart I knew, this war wasn’t done,

Two days later your aunt flushed a bag of pills down the toilet while you cried in the garage,
She gave you your life savings and told you to get lost,
Not because she doesn’t love you, but because she’s tired of the lies,
She doesn’t want to see the child she raised, slowly die in front of her eyes,

That day I knew I’d truly lost my best friend,
You’re living on borrowed time,
I pray every day that you overcome this,
All while knowing it’s close to the end,
If only the judge had ordered you into rehab when you got that DUI,
Maybe then we’d be celebrating your 90 days,
Instead of drying our eyes,

Opioids stole our friendship,
Please don’t let it steal your life,
I don’t have room in my closet for another black dress,
I don’t have room in my heart to fit the grief of another overdosed friend,
Please if there is a god, send her a helping hand,
Because I’ve tried everything I can think of to keep her from ending up in your land,
And honestly I think you have enough angels right now,
don’t take her from us yet,
I promise we will make it up some how,
And lord if you can lend us strength while you’re at it I’d appreciate the gesture,
I don’t know if I can take another broken promise or another “ I don’t need to go to rehab lecture”,

If only getting clean was as easy popping pills,
If only loving someone with an addiction didn’t leave me with constant chills,
If you’d have told me that by my mid 20’s half my friends would be dead or dying,
I’d have rolled my eyes and told you to stop lying,
But I guess we are all dying- you’re just dying faster than I am.

Im sitting in the dentist office while the doctor drills my teeth,
I wonder if they realize I’m so full of holes
I might slide right through this seat,
They can fill my cavities,
But They’ll never make me whole,
Cause they can fix my teeth,
But they can’t fix my soul.

Even though you’re  the reason behind my pain,

I want you by my side when the clouds come,

Because the hurt will hide the rain.

“How come the saddest writes
Seem to get all the likes?”

There’s literally a proverb for that,
Misery loves company;

Even in the 21st century.

I won’t let your expectations suffocate me,
I won’t conform to this,

Like a caterpillar in a cocoon,
I’m going through a metamorphosis.

Most of us are just paper planes,
Trying to become origami cranes.

I should have paid more attention to the things you threw away;
If I had, maybe I’d still have my broken heart today.

ɪ sᴀɪᴅ,
      
  "𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵"

       . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . .   ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ

ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢʀɪɴᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ.

You’re the beautiful lie
&
I’m the painful truth.

I see you drowning while I’m breathing,
Tell me how to save you,
I swear I’ll give you everything~

You must be the devil,
My head knows you’re bad news but my heart still skips for you,
I know every kiss is blasphemy,
Every touch leading me straight to hell,
But I can’t get enough of your poison,
Desperate to feel your eyes staring at my skin,
You must be the devil,
And I’ve welcomed you in.