I killed someone for you-
And you were glad I did

I killed someone for you-
So you sold my soul for the highest bid

I killed someone for you-
You said it’d set me free

I killed someone for you-
What  I didn’t know
Was that the one I killed
Was me.

I keep making the same mistakes in love,
Hoping that one day it’ll be enough,
But every time I get close,
Someone reminds me why I shouldn’t,
Someone steals my hope.
☹︎

You can never tell at the start
Whether they’ll be your biggest joy
Or another lesson learned
I can tell you this
It’s been some time since I’ve been
Blessed with joy
But I’ve learned so many lessons
That soon I’ll be a master in broken hearts.
❣︎

Every time I fall in love I hope I never will again.

ɪ sᴀɪᴅ,
      
  "𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵"

       . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . .   ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ

ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢʀɪɴᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ.

I know I should be done with you,
And Every time I’m ready to let you go,
I see your ocean eyes,
That dimple,
My whole world in one pupil,
And I can’t let you go,
They say the devil is charming,
But even he has nothing on you.

All my life Ive wondered why I was alive,
All the pain, all the heartbreak, all the horrors i survived,
And then one day I met you,
And all my stars aligned,
I lived to see your smile,
And then you said goodbye,
You painted my world in color,
Woke me from my slumber,
Now the darkest parts of me
Trickle out my eyes,

I lived to see your smile,
I’m dying with your goodbye.

Why do I always fall in love with the kind of people that wont love me back?

Every morning I listen to bag pipes while I shower, I always feel so ridiculous standing there water spraying while the god awful music blares. But then I smile, because it makes me think of you.
You like to listen to them when you’re exercising. I’ll never understand your choices in music, the German folk songs you send me to fall asleep to, the weird bands you insist will teach me something, or the fact that you listen to Beethoven for fun (just like every serial killer ever). You have a disturbing ******* for guns, literally. I think you once told me you love shooting guns more than having ***, and I whole heartily believe you. I think you always managed to say the most awkward and terrible things and make me seriously question why I’m even friends with you. But then you look at me with those deep sea eyes and I feel electrified. In fact the only time I feel alive is when I’m standing next to you. Everyone says you never talk, but it seems like I can never get you to shut up. Always sharing way to much “I did not need to know that” information. The word ***** that comes spewing out of your mouth astounds me. Some people think your odd and intimidating cause you’re eccentric and always have this dark brooding look on your face. But they just don’t get you, I love that you are wholeheartedly yourself and nothing else. You like what you like and never compromise on that to impress someone or fit in. You stick out in an ocean of bland personalities. No one makes me laugh the way you do. No one makes me feel the way you do, most people don’t make me feel at all. Your smile keeps my wheels turning so why do you have to leave? Go on this journey without me. I’m terrified to think that you're going to start sending German folks songs to someone else, that their Apple Music suggestions will look identical to mine.

I don’t want anyone else to listen to bag pipes in the shower.

You must be the devil,
My head knows you’re bad news but my heart still skips for you,
I know every kiss is blasphemy,
Every touch leading me straight to hell,
But I can’t get enough of your poison,
Desperate to feel your eyes staring at my skin,
You must be the devil,
And I’ve welcomed you in.

I always knew you’d break my heart, So why am I still surprised that you did?
You let me see parts of you that no one has, then you left those parts with me,
And took some of me away with you.
My tears are like acid on my skin,
How did you root yourself within me so deeply but still leave without a care?
You coaxed the love I was reluctant to give only to let it shrivel in a hole you dug into my chest. Even now I miss you, all it took was one smile from you to destroy my entire world. Those deep sea eyes had me in a trance, like a siren waiting to drown me. You came in like a whirl wind and swept me off my feet, but didn’t stick around to catch me while I fell. My body broke upon the concrete, my pieces scattered about.
I think I’ll just leave them, I don’t think I’d recognize myself even if I managed to assemble what remained.
Cracked porcelain instead of youthful skin, just an empty vessel left for the moths. And stupidly I’d do it all again, just to hear you laugh one more time. I’d do it all again.

Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

He has the most beautiful eyes, like I’m looking into two perfect pools of green. They sparkle like the stars and put the colors of the ocean to shame, and god when he smiles my world stops. Everything orbits around him like he’s the center of the galaxy. And he has no idea that he’s the center of mine.

He said “let me ruin you”

So I let him, cause I knew I wasn’t whole to begin with.

I said “obliterate me”

And he scattered me into satisfying pieces.

He said “broken girls always taste the sweetest”

Like salt and cherry lip gloss.

If you build a wall,
I’ll build a door,
I’ll knock until it opens,
And hope it never closes.

In 22 days it’ll be one year since you died.
How is it possible that the world kept turning while the space you existed in disappeared. Grief never leaves you, it catches you off guard. It’s in every photograph, every spot you use to fill, in the eyes of our friends, in my memories of you. It’s the building we worked in, it’s my backyard where you sat, and it’s everytime I see a blue rubber band. How can a wound tear open so many times without ever quite healing? How can it be that your gone but I still feel you in every room. The world kept turning without you, and that breaks my heart.

Im sitting in the dentist office while the doctor drills my teeth,
I wonder if they realize I’m so full of holes
I might slide right through this seat,
They can fill my cavities,
But They’ll never make me whole,
Cause they can fix my teeth,
But they can’t fix my soul.

I really have to stop eating
Doritos and Diet Coke
for breakfast

Is it just me?
Or
Does everyone have
Their first heartbreak
At
Sixteen.

If you’ve never **** your pants,
I don’t suggest you try it,

And if you have a sweet tooth,
I don’t suggest you diet,

Because pants are expensive,
And junk food is delicious,

And honestly grownups ******* themselves is absolutely ridiculous.

When I was four my brother use to catch me snakes, and my sister would buy me donuts, my dad would take me fishing, and my mom would sing to me.

When I was five, my brother could only call me to say he missed me, my sister would write me letters, my dad would drink until the wee hours of the morning,
And my mom was just gone.

I remember sitting in the court house wondering what was happening

“He can have her”

And that was the last time my family was together.

My dad raised me on his own.
A single alcoholic father, raising a little girl
Was not something people were use too.

We lived in a small town, and so they would whisper about the mother who left me behind, and the father that was always drunk.

But even at 5 years old I didn’t mind being alone. My father loved me with all he had, I knew that in my bones.

So the years passed, just the two of us, in a house with empty bedrooms but not empty hearts. I became accustomed to taking care of my fathers hangovers, and walked myself to school, and every Mother’s Day I made my dad a card and picked my neighbors flowers to put in a vase. Though I wondered where my mother was, and why my siblings lived somewhere else, I never once wished my life where different. It was all I knew.
I learned to catch my own snakes, and my dad would buy me donuts, and take me fishing, and sing for me.

From time to time I’d cry silently in my bedroom, wondering why they left. But as I got older I understood that not every family is meant to stay together, that not everyone who has kids is ready to raise them, and that people can fall out of love.

These were all hard lessons, and I learned them early on, but I wouldn’t change a thing, it made me who I am.

My father did finally get sober, and my mother came back into my life, my brother had children, they hang off my arms when I visit, my sister calls me every week, I even have a new brother who looks up to me.

The three paper routes I had as a kid to help my father pay the bills taught me the importance of hard work, the long nights my dad partied taught me to appreciate a good nights sleep, and my family’s separation taught me to cherish what you have.

Nothing’s promised, anything can be taken, so live your life without regrets.
And don’t forget to tell your dad you love them, tell your mother your forgive her, and hug your siblings as often as you can.

I’ve always hated goodbyes,
But not when it comes too you.

I asked him, “what is a bird to a worm”

He looked at me and grinned “Food”

I wrinkled my nose,  “but worms don’t eat birds”

He laughed at my innocence and replied, “they do when they’re dead, and one day they’ll eat you too”

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you, even longer since I’ve seen you,
And although I miss you I’m glad you’re not around,

I’m relieved my phones not ringing at three am, cause every time I thought it’d be someone telling me your body has been found,

My heart breaks every time I see a recent photo of you, the sunken cheeks, the dark circles under your eyes,
Every time I think of how you’ve hurt your body, with every pill that touched your mouth came another string of lies,

I can’t stand the person you’ve become,
I wonder how something so tiny could bring along so much pain,
What Id give to wash away all your sins with a little bit of rain,

The last time you were at my house you promised you were clean,
But your words were slurred, and I could tell reality was less serene,

You fell asleep on my bed within minutes of arriving, I desperately wanted to believe that you were just tired, that this was a result of a year long battle finally won,

I told you I was proud of you,that I loved you, sent you on your way, but in my heart I knew, this war wasn’t done,

Two days later your aunt flushed a bag of pills down the toilet while you cried in the garage,
She gave you your life savings and told you to get lost,
Not because she doesn’t love you, but because she’s tired of the lies,
She doesn’t want to see the child she raised, slowly die in front of her eyes,

That day I knew I’d truly lost my best friend,
You’re living on borrowed time,
I pray every day that you overcome this,
All while knowing it’s close to the end,
If only the judge had ordered you into rehab when you got that DUI,
Maybe then we’d be celebrating your 90 days,
Instead of drying our eyes,

Opioids stole our friendship,
Please don’t let it steal your life,
I don’t have room in my closet for another black dress,
I don’t have room in my heart to fit the grief of another overdosed friend,
Please if there is a god, send her a helping hand,
Because I’ve tried everything I can think of to keep her from ending up in your land,
And honestly I think you have enough angels right now,
don’t take her from us yet,
I promise we will make it up some how,
And lord if you can lend us strength while you’re at it I’d appreciate the gesture,
I don’t know if I can take another broken promise or another “ I don’t need to go to rehab lecture”,

If only getting clean was as easy popping pills,
If only loving someone with an addiction didn’t leave me with constant chills,
If you’d have told me that by my mid 20’s half my friends would be dead or dying,
I’d have rolled my eyes and told you to stop lying,
But I guess we are all dying- you’re just dying faster than I am.

A pointed finger,
A shaking head,
A loud voice,
A thought of dread;

Chattering teeth, bleeding finger beds,
A thousand scars, a strangers treads;

It’s time to sleep, so shut your eyes,
But be careful, he’s always watching,
He knows your insides;

All your secrets, all your lies, all your misgivings, there’s nothing you can hide;

Your souls exposed, your gut and heart,
And if you look to close, he’ll steal your parts;

So cry silently, swallow your fear,
Cause if you don’t, you’re next my dear.

I should have paid more attention to the things you threw away;
If I had, maybe I’d still have my broken heart today.

I see you drowning while I’m breathing,
Tell me how to save you,
I swear I’ll give you everything~

Percocet
*******
Xanax
OxyNEO

And god knows what else.
You keep telling me “I’m not high I swear! I’m just tired”
But your lips are tinged blue, you have saliva in the creases of your mouth, your body is frail and sickly looking, your skin so white it’s almost transparent. Your eyes are swollen, glossy, and gaunt, your cheeks are sunken, your hair is tangled and unwashed.

“I’m not high I swear!”

But I don’t believe you. How many times have you said that to me only to confess later that you were, that you found a pill and didn’t have the self control not to take it.

“I’m not high I swear”

Yet you randomly smack your head, blurt out random words and nonsense, forget entire conversations, fall asleep mid sentence.

You said you were clean. But the very next day I get a call telling me that you’ve been arrested for a DUI, you had Xanax and Oxyneos in your toxicology report.

I’m afraid to answer my phone when it rings, I always fear it will be the call that tells me you’ve overdosed.

You said “I don’t need to go to rehab, I can quit myself”
But if that were true, you’d be clean by now. It’s been over a year since you told me you were addicted to pills.
At first it was just a perc or two, and now you are a full blown opioid abuser.

You’ve become the thing you hated most. An addict that can’t admit that they have a problem.

“Im not high I swear”

I can’t count how many times you’ve said that, how many times you lied to my face. So many times I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.
But I know I will, and I know I’ll go home and cry after and pray to god you wake up tomorrow.

I just want my best friend back, the kind and honest loving girl you use to be.
I’m tired of the you you’ve become.
The girl that lies, that steals, that is wasting away.

If only you never took that first pill.

The road is long,
The wait is short.

He asked me “aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

I said “how could I be? I’m not even alone inside my head”

God didn’t make me,
For you to break me.

“How come the saddest writes
Seem to get all the likes?”

There’s literally a proverb for that,
Misery loves company;

Even in the 21st century.

I stand in the rain because it’s better than hiding in the shade.
I hope the sun stops coming up,
And we lose all sense of time,
Because time makes me anxious,
Every second ticking by is one second closer to death,
And I’m not ready to die yet.

For ten months I’ve watched you struggle,
And for ten months I’ve felt helpless.
First it was the percs,
I asked you why,
You said “boredom”
Next is was *******,
I asked you why,
You said “so I can get off the percs”
After that it was Xanax,
I asked you why,
“Because the coke ate a hole through my nose”

I just hope that we don’t have to dig a hole for you.
Instead of me shifting through your boxes desperately trying to find your stash,
You’ll be in the box, we’ll pour dirt over you, and our tears will never dry up.

Except today when your aunt asked you how you want us to arrange your funeral
You said you wanted to be cremated
So I guess you’ll just be dust.

I took apart your apartment, just to find your drugs. Now it’s as messy as you’ve become ,
I left your house feeling like I’ve already lost you,
Addiction has its greedy claws stuck in your skin, it’s made you unrecognizable.
We buried Kyle in August, cause he developed a habit and couldn’t shake it, Now I’m Afraid I’ll have to wear black for you soon too,
Please addiction, don’t take another friend from me. Give her back. Please give her back. I don’t have enough boxes to keep fitting their bodies.