Here I am, lying on the floor,

I just can't go on like this no more.

From my wounds I'm crippled and weak,

From my pain I start to weep.

I feel the blood draining out of me,

All I want is for the pain to leave.

Let me sleep and never wake,

Save me from my wretched fate.

I should've known all along,

That this battle can't be won.

I've never been a hero, I am only me,

And that was never good enough to be.

But this suffering I shall not keep,

When I close my eyes for the endless sleep.

The hardest thing I have ever did,
Was run away from you,
When you told me you loved me, but instead I hid.

The bravest thing I have ever did was protect myself,
I confronted you to your face,
"Enough is enough" I said,
"I shall no longer be chased."

The strongest thing I have ever done was cut off ties,
Realizing my 'protective cage' was a lie.
That I was in a prison, to you I was just a weak animal in a zoo,
To realize my mind and heart were victims from them and from you.

Yet...
The most painful thing I have ever done,
Was say goodbye to the only person I knew most,
To know that all this time the destruction in my life...
Was from the one who preyed close.

Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*

❣

Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "ugly pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and hell, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.

Some people wither with love,
Others blossom.

A nother day.
C arelessly we go about.
C RASH!
I can only remember so much,
D ismayed, we all started to cry.
E verone will be O.K." They rushed.
N ightmares that leave me awake,
T hanking God, we are all alive.

Shattered mind and stolen heart,
What you did was pull me a part.
From all that was and ever will be,
Not only did you govern my life but take my sight to see.
Throwing me back into the world, thinking I would be just another "machine",
I ran far away and found God within.
I now know men can be evil and often do cruel injustice to those blind,
You ask why I do what I do? Maybe because I believe in Freedom of mind.*

❥

How awfully sad it is when our body is our home,
And someone you love,
Tries to burn it to the ground.

How awfully sad it is when the eyes are our windows,
And someone you know,
Choses to shut out​ the light.

How terribly sad it is when our hearts are made to love and to yearn, as the fireplace,
And you see that someone,
Has put out their flames and snuffed out what was left.

They are finished and done,
Nothing is the same, no one, nowhere, none.

Ian runs up to bat, sweat flooding his face.
He grips the bat tightly, then suddenly,
CRACK!
The ball flies to the crowd as he rounds first, then second, then third, and finally...

"KID!"

I jump up, my book hitting the ground.
I saw my principal at the door, arms crossed.

"Go home."

No one choses to suffer,
No one choses to "always be sad",
How could you say Depression is only a 'choice'?
"Oh, it's only just a fad."

You must think it's simple,
To go on and wake up,
Your life must be so easy,
Hell, it isn't so tough.

Tell me about all the money, that can be counted in bills,
How many people are truly there for you,
How you live atop a hill.

Was it you who was nominated, the best at your job?
The one who graduated and had enough to eat?
Or were you the one I last saw,
Who cried himself to sleep?

Perhaps you were the one who had enough to be on his own,
Maybe you were the one in a bar, drinking yourself away-alone.

Tell me how you live your life, always with a smile and your ego so high,
How you never once sat and had thought, "I might as well die."

Depression is not hypocritical, it is a sickness to many,
Whether or not you can or cannot count every penny.
It doesn't always scream, it doesn't always cry,
It can often be found in painful laughs, or a clever written lie.

Some may suffer gravely, some found in death,
Some may be pained ocasionally or with every strangled breath.
It is found in young or in old, man or woman of the world,
Some by the embraced or those who have been hurled.

The next time you speak of fortune,
To insult or to brag,
Make sure your own life isn't begging-
behind a fitted mask.

Shh, mommy, I have a surprise.
How would you feel if I told you I was dead inside?
How would you feel?
Would it make you cry?
Would you apologize?
❣
Or would you let it slip to the back of your mind?
❣
How would you feel?
How would you feel about the cuts on my thighs?
How would you feel if I 'accidentally' died?
❣
How would you ******* feel?
❣
Would you be able to swallow your pride?
Be able to listen past your stubborn side?
Cause lately, I'm feeling pretty worthless, don't you know?
Oh yeah, that's right... Cause I don't want to worry you- I don't let it show.
❣
How would you feel though?
Would you believe me if I told you so?
Or would you just say I'm "crazy" and forget it all?
I am curious...
If your daughter killed herself, would you miss her at all?*

❥

I am here, but you are not.
You're all I need but haven't got.
Here I am, here you aren't.
You go there, but I can't.
I miss you, I'm incomplete.
Counting the days till we meet.
I'm still here, waiting for you.
You're still there, missing me too.
We belong together, you and me.
And without you, I'm incomplete
Like the night without the stars.
I'm incomplete if you are far.
When you're gone, I dream of you.
Hoping that you're dreaming too.

Do not bring your light into the dark.
It is not meant to be seen though;
It is meant to be felt through.

My freedom was taken from me, and I'll never get it back,
Can't you see the happiness that I lack?
You've made me insane, to the point of scars and wishing for death,
I am miserable and helpless, I have nothing left.
I would ask you "why?" but now I understand,
You too are trapped and a suffering man.

One loved,
And died for love,
Cause happiness wasn't an option.

Another loved,
And lived for love,
Cause happiness wasn't an option.

Who loved more?
I wonder...*

❥

Pain brings you together-
Happiness is what keeps you together.

She's locked herself away,
Hidden from love's painful force;
She's convinced that if she's all alone,
She'll never end up with a broken heart or hurt.
❣
But her heart aches of loneliness,
To which there's only one cure;
But she promises she won't ever fall in love,
This she knows for sure.
❣
So in an empty room,
She cries behind a locked door;
She just wishes that love wasn't just pain,
She wishes it could be more.
❣
She doesn't know when she decided she was better off alone,
All she knows is that it's breaking her to her core;
She reasons that if she ends up needing someone and then they leave, She just won't have anything left to live for.
❣
So she sits huddled in the warmth of her lies,
They offer such comfort but she's choking on her words.
Why can't she find true love?
Maybe she just has a lesser worth.*

❥

Sorrowful mornings,
And lonely nights,
With windows closed,
And turned off lights.

Scarred wrists,
And swollen eyes,
Speaks a story,
With no surprise.

A dismal heart,
Needing its cure,
A lonely sea,
Needing its shore.

❥