Coming out
Into the world,
After a sure start
With nowhere to go now
Almost choking
At being an adult
Living life,
As it was laid out
By nature and nurture
Unfazed by my own religion
Or the world outside,
Never talked
To the guy upstairs
But living used to be sacred,
Is now all but sacrilege
If it were always
My plan versus his
I never stood a chance
But there's a sense
Of burdened freedom
Along with a sense
Of joyful realism
To be happy
any chance you get,
A fine ventriloquist
He's got his ways
Makes you admire
The work he does,
While pondering
The meaning of life,
The fine line
Between right and wrong,
Trying to get some
sense of control
Thinking of pulling
One up on my destiny
Of saving my soul
Not selling out
To this facade
Of what we call progress
But maybe I should
Just stay a while
And enjoy this blissful anaesthesia,
Monitored by the man himself.

Reality is jaded, memories are faded
The end of a long hedonistic night comes down to the same old plight
Reminiscent of the old days when you never knew you had enough to go on,
In the end, you always got more than what you thought
Is it the freedom that you're after? or is it the one that's chasing you?
Are you trying to create a story for yourself?
Or just being a part of one makes you feel complete?
Maybe you've always given your best, maybe all you need is some rest
Some shut-eye to take a temporary pause in a life that never stops
Will you ever get there or is it just a waste of time?
Will your passion be the wildfire you crave or will it put you in your grave?

There's no end to this pretend, maybe this is the wrong intent
Project what you are, there's no reason to be scared
Madness is the only reality and reality is the only madness
You thought life was a gravy train and you arrive late to the station
But believe that this struggle is your only salvation

Now that you try to fight it, try to snap out of it, it seems harder than usual
This encounter with your past self might not seem so casual
Maybe it has some significance
Or is there another meaning to life?
Well, if at the end of the tunnel you see the meaning
Will you chase it or would you want to transcend the feeling?
Because maybe if you already found the meaning, your life would lose it.

I often have a dream,
About this feeling
It is an escape,
This love.

I don't know where I am
So I thought of holding her hand
And taking her along
On a journey with no sure destination.

Sometimes I'm stuck
listening to the background noise,
I'm fading out into the unknown.
This seemingly perpetual dip in time
Makes me come back to life.

Realising a purpose
Now that I have her,
It is time to make our journey
Conflate and intertwine
Like Adam and Eve
Exiled from the garden of Eden
Seeking salvation together for eternity.

It is time to put an end to this pretend
Even if this union is treason,
For the summers are always slipping away
But the show must go on
We can escape together now,
Without having to give any reason.

A test, another thing to best,
A new you for another day
Sometimes you can't survive the burden,
That lay on top of you.
Your shoulders were never weak,
Until you saw the path that lay ahead
The mystery of life brings you down,
How does someone stay content amid such chaos?

Building yourself up every day
Only to be broken down again,
Overcoming your shallow misdemeanours
One day at a time.
If there's no bliss at the end, is it even worth it?
How hard must one grovel?
Maybe you've never seen the real thing?
Or maybe this is that path you were too afraid to travel?
If overcoming is the result, why must I even bother?

Maybe all I want
Is to persevere,
But towards a tangential goal
The sight of which still seems near,
It is too much, I often lose myself
In trying to build houses,
Over the grounds of disdain and despair.

Maybe all I want
Is to be happy right now,
Not thinking too much
About the load that I have to carry.
On the road with my dusty soul
I often wonder about could have been
Had I been normal,
Not letting my mind into overdrive
Running wild with thoughts asynchronous,
Maybe then I could have finally put on a savoury smile.

Can't always be proving myself,
I should instead focus on growing myself
To deal with things I've never dealt with before,
Tackle all of the unknowns
Trying to hold on to my peace of mind,
Never letting go of the grind.
What if I lose myself in the process?
What has been the purpose of all this struggle?
Isn't it to find solace in all things uncertain?
Or just make peace with what you had always known,
Still not fit for the task, I have got to grow.

I have got to rise, be mature
Get real about the situation,
Can't escape anymore
Is it a stronger sense of urgency,
Or a deeper sense of complacency?
That keeps you dwelling
Upon how things will eventually turn out,
Maybe you've always known.
Even with the work, you'll probably still end up ashore
In a sea of ghosts,
Never once been able to set sail for the treasure island.

Don't let the result bother you, they say
Well, that's the novel approach,
You've always been told to stay awake.
Never resting, never sleeping
For you might miss your chance,
With your ever fading vision
It's getting rather harder to hang on,
To the thought of you ever climbing up the skies
Bringing upon a tear down your eye.

Regardless, the wheels of change are in motion
You have to play your part,
Even if you feel like a deserted hut on a mountain hill
Like a cactus plant on a long country road.
It feels like the strangest thing,
But now you have a deeper understanding
You have to put it all on the line again.
Let your purpose be all-consuming
For this time if you fall short,
You fail with a purpose
Of trying to never let go of it,
For now, you are closer than where you were before.

If I let my sins do the talking,
You'll only hear them say
Pleasure is all you were seeking,
Pain is what lead you to stay.
Knowing this story of right and wrong,
Of pleasure and pain, of black and white,
Has got no end
Things so often knock you off your spirit
Bring you down.
For it was never binary
But rather multifaceted,
It was all the colours that you had found.

Maybe that's the only lesson here
Altering your thought process,
To walk with different shoes at different times
Always staying on top of each phase.
Winning is rather inconsequential now
In the longer run,
You'd have enjoyed your date with destiny,
With all its ups and downs.
All the times you'd have previously frowned
Now you'll smile in the same place,
For now, you learnt how to let go
Of that two-faced coin,
Holding on to the idea that experiencing a multitude of emotions
Is still a better result than waiting for the ultimate win
Feeling all the colours of the rainbow after heavy rain.
.

Here I am
Laying sculptures for you,
While at the same time
Waiting for you
To appear
Out of the blue.

Another adventure awaits,
On the crisp of your mortality
One last leap of faith,
To set the record straight
Was it worth the wait?
To alter the course of a life
Based on ecstatic escapades of thrill;
A high flying free bird.

For now, the time has come
To lay low for a while
Always knowing deep in your heart
You are way too tired to go on,
That you are counting down the moments
Before you trade,
A short life for a sure life.

You don't have to go
But if you must,
Escape to a place
Where the cold winds blow,
A place of starry nights
And even better snow.

I'm in love again
Not with a girl,
But with life and other things
Maybe I'm feeling outside Of life
as I know it,
Maybe I like what it brings.

Do I Love things or people?
Maybe that's the question?
Why not both?
Ah, don't be greedy!

It could manifest in human form
But also lies subdued
within me,
trying to get out,
In forms I can't even count
It colors the dull days
Of this everyday life.

Keeping everything aside,
It helps me
Glow brightly as the summers day
For I know that they say
love is a gun in your hand,
Never did they tell me though
It's something you don't always understand.

Been running silent,
Silent but deep
Into the wondering night,
All of that seemed so bright.
Once upon a time,
Holding your hand in a place
Of serenity and peace
With blinding passion and love,
I was always at ease.
With the moon glancing at your face,
The trembles of leaves, the luscious forest
Reminding me of the times
when we had it all but eventually spent.

In rather the discussions of the dichotomy,
Of what it meant to lose ourselves in each other's minds
And still be able to think
About all the moments when time stood still.
You were always there to connect,
I was maybe lost within
This journey of memory I had withheld.

My mind still plays these tricks
As I fade out to the thoughts
Where am I standing?
With you by a silent creek.
Playing with those pebbles
Now they just seem like stones
Of cold and heartache, the pain had left me afloat.

These feelings never let me sleep,
never let me sink to the bottom
The depth of our purpose was something I could never fathom.
There were times when the sky looked so bright,
now just seems like a clutter of unwavering clouds.

All the things you used to say,
All the things left unsaid
Now feels like an ephemeral mirage
Maybe if I could still see the pain
I would reach out to you,
Little did I know we were so close,
Yet in desperate need of repair.

Despondent and despair as I feel right now
I always believed,
we could survive the crushing burden somehow,
Of how we wanted to feel each other
And wished each other to just be.

Being yourself with someone else
Didn't seem like a challenge before,
Little did I know
I was waiting for a hail mary,
Before the perpetual snow.

I can still see so vividly
How your lips were always so tender,
Never leaving a chance
For me to do nothing but surrender.
I tried to change but that rarely works,
For you have to see yourself in the mirror first
Before you make the eventual jump.

My ears could recognise you from your soul-soothing voice
Is all a distant memory now, a cacophony in disguise.
Held pictures of you in my heart,
Trying to take them all down now
For it had to be done,
Otherwise, I might again sway.

Your eyes did have that shine
For me to slip away,
I wish time was kinder
So you to still be here
For I didn't just lose you,
But also a part of me
That had to be buried deep inside now.

Maybe I needed help to recover little parts of me somehow,
Maybe some parts were still left unscathed
Hoping for your eventual return, my mind played another one of its tricks.

Only time will tell
If I do get up or just sit there and dwell
Even if I wanted to,
I got no control over time,
All I know for a fact is,
Only this time I couldn't make you mine
Our story did always feel like a book,
A book with no ending
With its ups and downs
A terrifying thriller.
At the end of each preceding chapter
I should rather stop and run away,
Before I turn over to the last ones
Who am I kidding?
Things don't just seem to change.
I was a leaf caught in a blizzard,
Waiting for the eventual rain

Hoping to rise from the ashes
Of the toxic smoke,
Wishing for a return to normalcy
From the tragic crisis that this seems.
A remedy for solicitude,
Is to maybe replace it with solitude
At the end of it all though,
I'm just hoping for a glimmer of hope.

when my heart was
inundating with love,
I tried to fill up yours
so you don't feel vacant inside.

I thought we'd both survive
by this give and take
only you took everything
in return for false hope.

eventually, I got to know
what I had to do;
just walk away from you
while learning that not all change is good.

I used to think you'd make me whole,
holding hands together we'd stroll
but the fairy-tale jig is up darling,
don't think this as a love poem for your soul.