it wasn't my fault
none of it was
yet somehow
you make me feel so bad about it
you make me feel like it was all me

it wasn't your fault either
i never said it was

it wasn't your fault
but it wasn't mine either

stop making me feel ****** about it
you make me HATE you

if i could go back id do it all differently
i'd change the words i said
the people i chose
the things i did

i'd kiss you longer
i'd revive the moments we'll never have again
i'd hug you tighter
i'd tell you how much i love you
i'd tell you i need you

but i cant do anything about it now
your'e gone
forever
i cant go back
i cant do it again

i need you
my heart beats for you
every second i fall for you again
and again
and again
and again
i never stop falling for you

you mean so much to me
you mean the world to me
be mine
please
just be mine

i get butterflies when i see you
or hear your voice
or even your name
i get shivers down my spine from the thought of you
the good kind of shivers

i want to see you everyday
i want to be with you all the time
and after spending hours with you
the second you go
i miss you

youre the reason im up all night
and the reason i get up in the morning
i need you in my life

so please
whatever you do
just don't go

please.

thank you to the ones who have been there for me
at my darkest times
when I had no one else

thank you to the ones who were kind enough to let me in
and let me help you

thank you to the ones who brought a smile to my lonely days
the ones who always knew what to say

thank you to the ones who weren't fake
to the people who actually loved me
to the people who actually cared

thank you to the ones who left
I realize I never needed you to survive
and you were just a chapter of my life

and finally, thank you to me
for not giving up
for believing in yourself
thank you...

its funny
i was there for you
i saved you from your darkest times
i was there

once you were fine
you vanished
you left

leaving me to save myself
i needed you to save me but you left when i needed you

- how can i trust you again

sometimes i dont show what i feel
but its for the best

everyone i love leaves anyways

There's something missing in my life.
I can feel the overpowering ache in my chest.
Numbing only around you,
But I long for so much more.
Your smile warms my heart,
And your hands heal my scars.
Your lips kiss my soul,
And speak with it so calmly.
Taking away my pain,
Giving me more than I've hoped for.
Your perfection is calling my name,
And luring me in deeper.
I never lasted a chance,
I was gone from that first smile.
And that very first kiss,
Swept me too far off my feet.
But your arms are my safe haven,
And I'll sleep in then every night.

but one day you left
and you threw me in fire
all alone i stay there
crying

living like tomorrow doesn't exist
live for yourself
not for other people who tell you who to be

tell that boy you like them
if he doesn't like you then **** it you don't need him

drink and smoke all you want
it's your life
do what you want

have fun at that party
kiss that person
that doesn't make you a ****

live for yourself
not to impress everyone
not to be liked by everyone

live for yourself
so when you leave this planet
you know you've done everything you wanted

love and alcohol are practically the same thing.
you take it, and take it, and take it,
until all of the sudden,
you cant take anymore.
some people can take more than others,
some people push over their limit,
and those eventually end up hurt.
there's different flavors,
different strengths,
and sometimes different effects.
the initial feeling is good,
but at the end they both become a depressant.
they both leave you,
at 2 am
sobbing on your bathroom floor,
begging someone to come back.

I wonder if anyone could ever write about me the way I wrote about him.
if anyone could describe me using colours and smells
the way he reminded me of the colour green and smelt of fresh coffee on an early morning
I wonder if anyone could ever pay close attention to every little detail about me so they could later write it down
like how I wrote about every little freckle on his face, and how his hair fell perfectly above his beautiful brown eyes that glistened in the summer sun
could anyone write about me, creating a beautiful symphony of words?
is that so crazy to want?
someone to finally love me the way that I loved him, someone to finally see my soul instead of the shell that I live in
to be fascinated in figuring out how my brain works and what makes me who I am
I want someone to want to know every little detail about me like how I wanted to know him

the memories stayed but you left

I know
I know I'm hard to love
I know I'm hard to raise
I know I'm not your perfect daughter you always hoped for

I know
but I don't think you know how hard it is for me
when you tell me to **** myself every time I do something wrong
when you tell me to slit my wrists whenever you're mad
when you tell me its my fault you tried to **** yourself

I know
I know you're mad at the world for who it turned you into
but please don't take that anger out on me
I want to love you
but I don't know how much longer I can

"i love you, mom"
i feel like that shouldnt be a lie
i feel like you should be able to say that with full honesty

but i cant

i hate her with all my heart
i never wanna see her again

shes the reason for all my tears
for all my self-hatred
and for all my sadness

not all can be a mom
and i feel that i dont have one

"what do you want your life to look like in the future?"
" i don't know, i honestly don't. i want love i know that. i want happiness. i want a family. i want a husband who loves me, someone who will stay in and drink tea while reading coffee, someone who will always love me and stay by my side no matter what. someone who will know all my crazy stories and know every bit of me, but still learn more about me every single day. i want a small, but loving family. two kids at most, preferably a boy and a girl but i could care less as long as they're happy and healthy. they'll each get their own room in my small wooden white house in a small suburban town. i will have 2 dogs, each born when my 2 children are so they will always have a best friend to grow up with. i  want my children to grow up with parents who show affection, to be a great model of what true love is. i want them to never be afraid to tell me anything. i want a home. i want a home that will be nothing like the one i grew up in."

i don't understand my love for you

sometimes i love you as a bee does honey
but other times i love you as if I am fire and you are a huge tide destined to put me out

sometimes my love for you is pure, all i wish for is you to be happy
and other times my love for you is full of hate and anger

sometimes i hate you more than i love you
and in a matter of seconds, I love you more than I've loved anything else

my love for you is chaos, toxic, and unfulfilling
our love is bound to end in bright red, orange, and blue flames that will consume every bit of us

but until the end, my love for you will burn

Anything can
look like a poem
and sound philosophical
simply by moving
the words on
different lines.

Am I doing it right?
Is this
really
talent?
Art?
Effort?

I think I am trying.
Really, I am
I go back and change the order
and I break lines
where it sounds right
But it does not take me long.
Not at all.

I try to be
intentional
and call it natural rhythm.
Instinct and style taking over
I alternate between
agonizing every detail
like When to Capitalize
and publishing free form poems without looking over them twice.

How is writing supposed to feel?
Should I labor?
or should it flow?
Or do I get to decide?

I think the things I talk of
mean something
at least.

But am I just
pretentious?

fooling myself into thinking that
using common poetry formats
somehow makes my work worthwhile?

You don't know me -
not the real me.
You know my favourite movie
and maybe my favourite song.
You know what food I could eat every day
and you know about my first pet.
But you don't know me.
You don't know how much I want to tear my skin off my body
and become a whole new person.
You don't know how I self-sabotage
everything good in my life.
You don't know why I can't trust you
and you'll never know
my past or what's hiding
inside my mind.

"why do you like him?"
he's smart
he's funny
he's cute
he's crazy
he's friendly
he's kind
he's him
                                                 "no he's not. i don't see why you like him"
                                                            ­                                             "hes ugly"
                                                           ­                                          "he's stupid"
                                                                ­                                       "he's blunt"
                                                                ­                                  "he's ignorant"
                                                                ­                                       "he's mean"
                                                           ­                        "he's not good enough"

                                


                     ­                    no one sees what i see
                                he doesn't even see what i see

and so the story begin
two young children falling in love
only she doesnt know...
he doesnt love her

two young children falling in love
only so one can be left
heartbroken
numb

the story begins with love
but it never ends with love
who said there was always a happy ending

once upon a time
long ago
there was a you and me

i knew you once
and it was nice
silence was comfy
and we didnt have to try

i knew you once
long ago
you shared your secrets
and i shared mine

i knew you once
long ago
but where did you go...?

I don’t wanna be with anyone until they are able to make me feel the way you made me feel. I love jack as a human and I think he’s amazing and I so badly wish I could allow myself to be with him because he definitely does make me happy, but when I received that playlist from him without having to ask multiple times or even ask at all I felt nothing. I remember so clearly I got the link to the playlist you made me when I was going on cig walk and I opened it and immediately smiled and played it and I couldn’t wipe away that smile from my face, I was so happy, I don’t think I'd ever been happier I don’t think my smile went away for so long and I felt like jumping and dancing and wow I’ve just never felt that much happiness. Yeah, you make me sad, a lot, like the saddest I’ve ever been, the only person I’ve ever cried for but the amount you also made me happy just makes up for all of it. I love how you can make me so sad and so happy, and I love arguing with you because you’re the only person I can argue with without feeling like you’re going to leave me, I don’t ever want to stop talking to you and I don’t think I am emotionally capable of ever getting over you fully. Sure someday I’ll move on and I’ll be happy on my and maybe even find someone else that makes me that happy but I refuse to believe that one day I could just wake up and stop loving you. I love you so very unconditionally, I don’t expect anything back from you, and I don’t desire for us to have a relationship, I don’t expect you to be nice to me or love me back, I will just always love you. I am so scared that I’m never going to want anyone as much as I wanted you. Oh my goodness just seeing a picture of you or even staring at your blank Instagram profile made me so happy and I’m scared I’m not capable of feeling that for anyone else. I just thought and still do think everything about you is so beautiful from your eyes to your lips, YOUR TEETH, your smile, your laugh, your hands, your legs, the way you walk, OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU TALKED, and your voice is just so beautiful. I loved everything about you and you were all that was on my mind for so long, I wanted the whole world to see you the way I did and I tried so hard for that to happen. I love you so much. I’m afraid I’m never gonna wanna be with someone as much as I did you or kiss and touch anyone as much as I did with you. You just make me feel so much and I am so grateful for that. Of course, I would have loved for you to feel the same way as I did or at least half as much, and obviously, I am still heartbroken by you, we were so close, but I guess it just wasn’t enough, I am not what you want and I am okay with that, of course, I could never be angry at you for emotions you cannot control. Obviously, I wish you could and I’m sure you wish that as well. I think I forced myself to feel over you because I was so angry and I felt so numb but I am ready to accept that I’m probably never going to be fully over you even if I move on I will always love you. Wow, I wish we could’ve been together that would’ve been so nice, I love you so much. I hope that in the future we can think about this and I hope you loved me at least a little.

six months
i've spent 6 months hoping you'd love me at least have as much as I love you

six months
hoping one day you'd call me to say you've loved me all along and it just took you a while to realize I'm the one for you

six months
drowning in a cold lifeless ocean with you thinking of someone else on the warm sandy shore

six months
thinking about you every single day

six months
spent hating you yet loving you so **** much

six months
that I would never wanna take back for anything else, because I know it's gonna be worth it in the end

when did it all become so cruel
why is she better than her
why is it this instead of that
why cant i love myself
why cant i be myself
why do i have to be like everyone else

you tell me
   "you'll find someone better"
i know i will
there are so many good people in the world
i'm sure i can find someone better

but what if i don't want someone better
what if i just want you
you.
just you
no one else but you
all i need is you
just be mine

this hope for a happiness that would last more than a couple of hours fills my head
how amazing would that be
a happiness that wouldn't come crashing down as soon as my mania is over

Mom, I'm sorry I manipulate you for,
The alcohol I feel I love more,
And Dad I'm sorry I pretend I'm naive,
About all of my bad deeds,
I tried so hard to stay dry,
But the rain it pours inside,
I'm drowning in my own self,
I'm suffocating with my mental health,
And I try, I try so hard,
To be who you care for,
The girl who laughs just cause she can,
Who asks for hugs before bed,
But I'm not her anymore,
And I'll never be moving forward,
But really I'm just someone,
Who feels way too much at once,
I cry at night when I'm all alone,
Dancing with my demons on my own,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough,

I'm so tired of pretending it's under control,
This feeling of alcohol that sings in my soul,
The cough syrup that makes my shaky thoughts,
Become shaky feet, legs, and hands,
I'd rather feel physically ill,
Than continue to be mentally unwell,
So I will continue to veer off the tracks,
And spin out of control, it's just a fact,
I have no sense of when to stop,
Please don't make me stop,
It's so hard to be in my own head,
Every day it's like a death,
I die a bit, a piece of me fades away,
And I'm sorry to inform you, to say,
I'm not okay, I'm just not alright,
With myself I will continue to fight,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough.

so there's this boy
and he makes me feel

for someone who felt numb for so long
feeling is nice

he makes me feel happy
like how sitting next to a fire, drinking tea, and reading poetry makes me feel

he makes me feel like a beautiful sunflower
he makes me feel like I'm actually worth something
he makes me feel like I'm enough

but with all the beauty he brings to my soul
he also makes my soul fear

fear of him leaving
fear of when he goes he'll leave me to feel numb all over again
I can't let that happened
I'm scared to lose him
I'm scared to let him in