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Sep 26 · 18
5:30am
sankavi Sep 26
it's 5:30 in the morning
and no matter what show I put on
or what book I read
I can't keep my mind off you

why can't I stop loving you?
I hate the way you make me feel
the way you ignore me for days, weeks, months
I hate you so much
so then why can't I stop being in love with you

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I just keep thinking about you
the first time we met
you talked to me like we had known each other for years
you said you liked my doc martens
you said "I'm gonna be that cool friend who gives you a nickname"

I remember the first time you actually called me by my name
I was skipping class and I saw you and waved and you waved back
someone told you not to wave like that
and you said "but sankavi waved to me"
and then I said "aw you said my name" and you told me not to make it a big deal

I remember the first and only time we hugged
I was walking and I saw you and you just opened your arms
it was the most awkward hug because while it still means so much to me you probably don't even remember your friend asked if I was your girlfriend and I said "ew no" probably shouldn't have said that.
I got in trouble that day because I kept walking around during math with you and someone gave you a box of chocolate that you through on the ground and then picked up and I was stealing you pop from my math end-of-year party.

I remember the day I knew I loved you
we went to the school dance together. we were supposed to go with the guy you thought I liked it too but he didn't show up thankfully. the dance got boring so we left and sat in the park. you asked me "if you were to date anyone in the school who would it be" and I remember wanting to say you so badly but I just couldn't work up the nerve to do so.

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I'm here writing about you, crying about you, thinking about you
while you're sleeping

I hope one day I'll mean at least half as much as you mean to me
I love you but I really do hate you
Sep 25 · 148
silly me
sankavi Sep 25
i am ready to drop everything for this boy
I am ready to pack my things and run away
I am ready to live for him
I am ready to die for him
I am ready to do anything for him

I wish hed do the same
sankavi Sep 5
10 months
its been 10 months
and after all this time I still cant get over you

finding people who don't care
men I cant trust

trying to feel anything
anything at all than the love I feel for you

I'm happy I love you
and I know you love me too
but I know you're not in love
I know you'll never love me more than I love you

I would do anything for you
I need you to know that
anything at all to make you happy
the happiest you could possibly be

I care about you so much that it hurts most of the time
all I want is for you to care about me

to think about me like I think about you
every second of everyday

I think I love you so much that I hate you
I hate everything about you but I love everything too
I just want you too stop existing so I could stop feeling this way
but then yet again you make me wanna live everyday

I just want to be friends with you without being in love with you
WHy is that so hard?
Jul 16 · 119
relapse
sankavi Jul 16
I do not like you
I do not love you
I am addicted to you

no not like "you're so cute I want to be with you forever" kind of sweet innocent addiction
no, not at all

******, you are like ****** to me

when I am with you I feel warm, fuzzy, euphoric.
without, I am throwing up, dizzy, unable to get myself out of bed

I get over you, I don't see you for days, weeks, months

I'm clean.

though I'm clean now, you are still always on my mind.

you are not good for me
you are killing me
yet still
I need you so bad


relapse.
Jun 15 · 204
invisible noose
sankavi Jun 15
there's something about you
something so beautiful and powerful,
yet so evil and scary

you come and you go
texting when you're bored
and leaving as you please

you have a noose around me,
you know?

you keep me close
but always let go
and every time you come and go

the noose gets tighter
and tighter
tighter
tighter
t
i
g
h
t
e
r
until there's no more
May 24 · 114
six months
sankavi May 24
six months
i've spent 6 months hoping you'd love me at least have as much as I love you

six months
hoping one day you'd call me to say you've loved me all along and it just took you a while to realize I'm the one for you

six months
drowning in a cold lifeless ocean with you thinking of someone else on the warm sandy shore

six months
thinking about you every single day

six months
spent hating you yet loving you so **** much

six months
that I would never wanna take back for anything else, because I know it's gonna be worth it in the end
Apr 20 · 144
everything is for love
sankavi Apr 20
why do we deny the fact that everything we do is just for love
Apr 15 · 679
sunrise
sankavi Apr 15
i like to stay up all night
just to watch the sun rise
Apr 15 · 361
i wish i didn't love you
sankavi Apr 15
I hate you, I hate you so ******* much
but somehow,
you're the only person who can make me smile so bright
the only person who I can just sit there quietly on call with
the only person who's jokes I actually find funny
I hate you so **** much, but somewhere along the lines I started loving you too and I really,
really wish I didn't
Jan 31 · 57
romeo and juliet
sankavi Jan 31
two star-crossed lovers
ending in a huge tragedy
finding beauty in the sadness

perhaps if Romeo had stayed alive just a little longer he could've been with his beloved Juliet once again
or maybe if she was truly dead, he could've moved on and found someone who loves him o so dearly once again

perhaps their love had already brought them everything they hoped for from life
and loving again would be far too complicated
or perhaps just living without their other halves was far beyond the worst nightmare they've ever had

I do not question the love they had
the love that grew stronger than anything I have ever seen within a week
but maybe, just maybe
if they had chosen to stay on this planet the ending would be a bit different, a bit happier

I admire Shakespeare and his amazing creation of Romeo and Juliet
I adore the tragedy and heartbreak and everything within
Jan 31 · 472
almost
sankavi Jan 31
you were a perfect symphony
you were the most beautiful storm

and for a second there
I almost thought you'd be mine
Jan 22 · 28
love/hate
sankavi Jan 22
i hate how much power you have over me
you can say one thing and id do anything to make you happy

but i love how you can say one thing
and it can keep me happy for the whole day
Jan 19 · 113
dear mother pt.2
sankavi Jan 19
dear mother,
who I hate so dearly
you've caused most of my tears
you've caused most of my heartache

I know you're trying to be perfect
but you need to understand that you're not
you're really really not

you wish upon death for people who mistreat you
you tell me to **** myself and slit my wrists
you tell me I'm not good enough
you blame things on everyone but yourself

you're not mentally stable
you're not ok
and you're not getting better
you need to get help
please get help
you need to admit you need help

I need you to be ok so I can start loving you again
I need to know you're not going to try and **** yourself again so I can learn to trust you.
sankavi Jan 18
well
now you know I like you

I guess you don't like me back though

that's ok, I still think you're the most amazing person:)
Jan 14 · 142
brown-eyed boy
sankavi Jan 14
brown-eyed boy, give my heart back
you stole it from me and i let you
i want it back now though
its getting harder to breathe

i like you a lot
but i need you to give me back what belongs to me

i
need
to
breathe
sankavi Jan 7
I fell for the wrong one
but in the process of falling for the person who could never love me
I found myself and my self worth
sankavi Jan 5
i am over you
but when you text me only when you need something
it hurts
a lot
Jan 4 · 203
Untitled
sankavi Jan 4
i was numb for so long
but now i cant stop crying
make it stop
sankavi Jan 2
I'm not ready to grow up yet
I'm not ready to leave my friends

I need to have fun
fall in love
party
create everlasting bonds

I cant grow up
I'm too scared to grow up

and life is moving too fast
Jan 1 · 142
you're so toxic
sankavi Jan 1
you never cared and I know you never will
although you said you like me a lot
maybe even love me
even though we spent so much time together
you never cared
but how did you pretend all that was real
I could never do that

thank you for teaching me everyone isn't worth the effort and pain
but when I realized you knew how much I cared about you and still chose to walk away, that **** hurts so bad
this is kinda about 2 guys but one poem for both of them is all they get
Dec 2019 · 200
huh?
sankavi Dec 2019
I'm not in tact with my emotions at all
at one moment he's the one
he's the only one i need
he's the only one i want

and then I'm suddenly over him
suddenly I'm into someone new
Dec 2019 · 47
the universe and you
sankavi Dec 2019
the universe created the most beautiful mystery when it created you
Dec 2019 · 385
to know a soul
sankavi Dec 2019
i want to know you
i want to really know you

i want to know all your secrets
i want to know all your crazy stories
i want to know all the freckles on your face
i want your atoms to know mine
i want to know what makes tears drip from your beautiful blue eyes
i want to know what makes your ecstatic smile
i want to know what makes you tremble from fear
and what makes you want to rise every morning
i want to know what love means to you
i want to know everything about you

i know it's scary
but i want to know you
i really want to know you
every bit of you
Dec 2019 · 134
my future
sankavi Dec 2019
"what do you want your life to look like in the future?"
" i don't know, i honestly don't. i want love i know that. i want happiness. i want a family. i want a husband who loves me, someone who will stay in and drink tea while reading coffee, someone who will always love me and stay by my side no matter what. someone who will know all my crazy stories and know every bit of me, but still learn more about me every single day. i want a small, but loving family. two kids at most, preferably a boy and a girl but i could care less as long as they're happy and healthy. they'll each get their own room in my small wooden white house in a small suburban town. i will have 2 dogs, each born when my 2 children are so they will always have a best friend to grow up with. i  want my children to grow up with parents who show affection, to be a great model of what true love is. i want them to never be afraid to tell me anything. i want a home. i want a home that will be nothing like the one i grew up in."
Dec 2019 · 139
home
sankavi Dec 2019
i find it so mind-blowing
how a person can feel more like home
than a place
sankavi Dec 2019
if I was brave enough id tell you exactly how I feel
"Hey, I like you a lot, like a lot, a lot, maybe even love but I'm not quite sure yet. Don't ask me why because I'm not quite sure yet. Actually scratch that. I know exactly why. you make me feel all these emotions. happy, sad, angry, euphoric. all these feelings I've never felt before, you make me feel. every time I look at you I see and feel colours that don't even exist. seeing your smile makes me smile. the thought of losing you makes me tremble. your hugs send shivers down my spine. i know I barely know you and we haven't known each other but I really, really want you in my life for a long time. yeah, I like you a lot, I get it if you don't feel the same though."
and that is exactly what I'd tell him
I hope i do one day
Dec 2019 · 385
hugs
sankavi Dec 2019
i know you dont feel the same
but your hugs mean the world to me :)
Dec 2019 · 33
i hate this feeling
sankavi Dec 2019
i hate how you're constantly on my mind
consuming every part of me
my brain overflows like a huge ocean with big blue waves
my heart beats saying your name
every breath is another breath waiting for the time ill see you again
everything is about you
and i hate it
why can't it all be about me for once
Dec 2019 · 196
trust issues
sankavi Dec 2019
i have trust issues because ive been hurt
not by an ex or a crush
but by the person who was supposed to love me the most
my mom
Dec 2019 · 354
:):
sankavi Dec 2019
:):
how are you always on my mind
Dec 2019 · 392
ocean eyes
sankavi Dec 2019
she loved the beach
and his eyes held the most beautiful ocean in them
im not tryna copy you @billieeilish *****
Dec 2019 · 382
i fell for him
sankavi Dec 2019
do you ever fall for someone so hard?

so hard where you see the world in their eyes
when you see your happiness in their smile
when everything they do and say is adorable
when everything they say just makes sense
when every song and poem is about them
when all you wanna do is be in their arms forever
Dec 2019 · 41
euphoria
sankavi Dec 2019
you make me
smile
laugh
grow
want
crave
feel
mad but happy
you make me feel euphoric
Dec 2019 · 343
you give me butterflies :)
sankavi Dec 2019
i remember that feeling i got when my eyes locked with yours '
the feel of my stomach filling with butterflies
that feeling that makes me feel all those at once

i remember that feeling
and i don't think i can ever forget
Nov 2019 · 259
you
sankavi Nov 2019
you
I've never felt "at home"
I never thought id ever find a place that felt like home

but then you came along
and nothing has felt more at home
than me in your arms
Oct 2019 · 1.6k
concert
sankavi Oct 2019
i went to my first concert
it was the best thing ive ever been to
everyone was so alive
i felt so alive
it was all such an "in the moment" experience

jumping
sweating
laughing
singing
screaming

i wish life was a concert
yungblud
Sep 2019 · 144
:)
sankavi Sep 2019
:)
i think I'm ok
i feel ok

i think im happy
i think things in my life are finally going well

i know it sounds stupid
but i strongly believe all things happen for a reason
even if you're at your lowest
trust me it won't last

if something terrible has just happened
dont worry it'll teach you something important

every single person on this planet impacts someone in a positive way somehow

i don't know
i just believe whoever created this universe has a plan for us
and all you can do is trust that

I'm ok
everything is going to be ok
Sep 2019 · 131
i dont know how this happen
sankavi Sep 2019
i dont know how this happened
i dont know how i went from loving you so much
to the point where just talking to you filled my heart
to resenting you, and hating you for no good reason

no this is not about a boyfriend or a lover
or an ex
this is about my old best friend

we were inseparable
the closest you could be
but then we started drifting
like the waves in a sea
i made new friends and so did she

there was no fight and no argument
but now i just cant stand her
everything about her just bothers me

i once saw a pure-hearted person
but all i see is evil when i think of her

i dont know why i dont like her
i have no reason not to

i dont know why i feel this way
but i do
Sep 2019 · 136
addict
sankavi Sep 2019
i am an addict.
i have always been an addict since as far as i can remember

i easily get addicted
to people
to bad habits
to drugs and alcohol
to the past

i am an addict
but i don't want to be one anymore

i am letting go of the people i put far too much time into
too much emotion and care without getting anything in return
i am done letting the people who dont care about me to have so much power over me

i am go of bad habits
i am done hurting myself, this one is going to be hard because self-harm is the best way i know how to cope with how i am feeling. i know its not healthy and hurting myself may make me feel better at the moment but will only make things worse

i am letting go of drugs and alcohol. i cant keep ruining my life just to escape reality for a bit then just snap back into reality and do it again. my body is my home and whether i like it or not it will always be. i need to take care of myself

and finally, i am letting go of the past
i need to stop reminiscing about the past and only think about the present and future
i cant change anything that has happened, i cant make the people who have left my past and i definitely cant force broken bonds back to normal no matter how much it hurts

i am an addict
and i have been for as long as far as i can remember
but i dont want to be one anymore
dear clayton,
very formal i know ****. but this poem is kind of for you but more for myself. you just helped me realize i spend way to much time caring about other people and focusing on them instead of myself. i care about you a lot and i dont think that will ever change but since we started talking again ive been so hung up in how we used to be and trying to force us back to that even though that will never happen. we can be a new us but its never going to be the same. i am completely over you now but talking to you just brought back those feelings but i now realize they werent real and i just missed loving someone as much as i loved you so i forced those feelings back. but it doesnt work like that. you hurt me a lot, like a lot, yet you somehow still have so much power over me, i trust you so much even though you give me no reason to and i would literally do anything to make you happy even though itll hurt me, and thats not ok. i still want you to be my friend but i need you to give me a reason for me to want to do that, but if you dont want to talk thats completely ok. i dont know youre probably never going to read this anyways. goodnight, i love you as a friend
Sep 2019 · 53
company
sankavi Sep 2019
i need company
all the time

i want you to be here for me
i need to know you care

im in constant need of reassurance
i want you to tell me youll always be here

i feel so lonely in this huge world
filled with people
who all dont care

i want you to be here with me
i need your company
i dont want to feel this way anymore
sankavi Sep 2019
you
and
you

my 2 best friends

i hate writing about this again

i love both of them
but i think i like him as more than a friend
or maybe its because weve finally started talking again
after 9months
and everything just feels right
like it was just yesterday we were sitting at school talking and laughing

its been 9 months and I've changed so much
but when i talk to you i just go back to how i was

talking to you is so unhealthy for me
i keep reminiscing about the past
going over old texts and photos

i was over you
but how does one simple text bring back everything

i need to stop talking to him because i just miss everything so **** much and its messing with me
but i can't
i missed my best friend
and talking to him makes me so happy

but he likes her and she likes him
and no matter what happens that'll never change
all i can do is be happy for them
i really am happy for them
deanna im sure youll read this soon and i really actually want you to go for him, he loves you so **** much and i dont think thats ever gonna change. just dont hurt him :) i loveyou both and i dont think that can ever change either
Sep 2019 · 45
The ex pt 2
sankavi Sep 2019
I care about you too much to let you love her again
Sep 2019 · 309
The ex
sankavi Sep 2019
I still love you
As a friend

How is it that we haven’t spoken in 9 months
But everything still flows so smoothly
There’s so awkward pauses
And there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell you

I still trust you
Even after you broke my heart
I would still tell you anything

Those 9 months were terrible
But I’m so happy you’re back in my life now
Aug 2019 · 227
a never ending cycle
sankavi Aug 2019
i cut
i bleed
i want to die

i drink
i smoke
i stop cutting
im numb
im ok

i stop drinking
i stop smoking
i want to die
i cut
Aug 2019 · 148
i hate her.
sankavi Aug 2019
i hate my mom
i hate her so much

she makes me feel the worst feeling
i can feel my chest curl up and burst into a bunch of stinging bees
i can feel my voice crack as i try not to cry
i cut myself for a way to cope

she yells at me to cut myself more
to slit my wrists
but when i do she hits me and tells me im a terrible mentally ill daughter
then she makes fun of me for my bad habit
"aw you stubbed your toe? are you gonna go cut yourself"

i hate her
i hate her so much
i hate my mom
Jul 2019 · 152
i just cut
sankavi Jul 2019
i just cut

i just cut

i keep saying that over and over in my head

i just cut

i was finally proud of myself
i went so long without doing it

i just cut

im not ok

i wanna die so badly

i just cut

i thought i was happy

i felt happy

i thought i wasnt depressed anymotr

i just cut

i dont want to live

i want to die

i just cut

i felt happy when i saw the blood dripping

im not happy

im not ok

im not good enough

im going to **** myself
i just know i will

im really not ok

i dont want to be alive

i want to take so many drugs

i want to be happy

i want to feel something again

i want to trust again

i want to believe again

i want to be happy again

i just cut
Jul 2019 · 144
live your life
sankavi Jul 2019
living like tomorrow doesn't exist
live for yourself
not for other people who tell you who to be

tell that boy you like them
if he doesn't like you then **** it you don't need him

drink and smoke all you want
it's your life
do what you want

have fun at that party
kiss that person
that doesn't make you a ****

live for yourself
not to impress everyone
not to be liked by everyone

live for yourself
so when you leave this planet
you know you've done everything you wanted
Jul 2019 · 71
i don't need you
sankavi Jul 2019
I cried about you
you weren't worth that
Jul 2019 · 46
petty wars
sankavi Jul 2019
friendships lost
through petty wars

at least i know who stays and who goes
at least i know youre not worth it anyways
Jun 2019 · 49
im high
sankavi Jun 2019
hey guys
im so ******* high righgt now
im ******* fly

im addict to smoking
i cabt stopo

help
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