there are two types of sadness

there’s the kind of sadness
we ignore and
try to get rid of it
by finding new things to do
or we find someone to talk to
by blatantly avoiding any type of conversation
about feeling sad
about having any feelings at all
and then there’s that kind of sadness
that takes over
and it consumes any activity we do
we know it’s there
and there’s no possible way to avoid it
so we feed it exactly what it wants
it craves the sad music
it craves the isolation
it craves the anxiousness
and the sadness comes storming in
it has no manners
here we are calling sadness, an “it”
when all it is
is a feeling
that most people
call home

It's 11:11
and for the first time
after a very long time
I'm wishing for myself
and not for you

some days the therapist may ask,
"how are you doing?"
some days they may mention
"you look well rested,"
or bring up,
"you seem to be doing better than before."
But they don't realize that all these things are lies
that when I get home i'll break down into tears
wishing i'd die already and then pass out.
Is that what getting better looks like?

I can love you & hate you,
All at the very same time,
I can need & yet reject you,
I’m balancing on the borderline.

I can blame you & bad mouth you,
I can make you feel, I don’t care,
If only I could explain to you
How much I need you there.

I’m balancing on the borderline
With no safety net below
I’m like a ticking time bomb
Not knowing when I might blow.

I’m loving & argumentative
I’m cruel & yet I’m kind
I’m childish & mature
I’m balancing on the borderline.

I can chop & change my mind
Quicker than the weather
I’m like a mound of clay
You can mould me into whatever.

Take my life into your hands
I’ll let you create what I should be
I’ll be whatever you want
Just please don’t leave me be.

I wrote you a poem and all you said was “I love you!”
and I need a whole lot more than that  

Did you know Marilyn Monroe was borderline too
and what did that leave her besides a suicidal mess I do not look up to?
But I guess she did **** JFK so there's that

Today is valentines day and I didn’t say anthing to you about it
because I know you hate February 14
because 2 years ago you had that major surgery

You didn’t talk to me until 4:20 today
and that was only to laugh about the timing
and it's really hard for me to not tell you that I wanted to **** myself today but instead I wrote 5 poems and drank too much coffee

and **** I would really **** for a cigarette right now that
I have to use my charm to get
because im only 17 but somehow
I always “forget” my ID and wear a low cut shirt
and flirt openly with the 40 year old indian guy across the counter
just so I can get my illegal nicotine

I wonder what my mother would say about that

September 2nd, 2016 I received my diagnoses.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Yikes....
But then it all started to make sense.

I understand myself now more than I ever have before.

But try explaining this to a friend, a lover, a family member.

"Borderline of what?"
They all ask.

Let me explain....

I am on the borderline
The borderline of love,
and of hate

I love so deeply,
I can make you feel like you're on top of the world..

But then I split.
And suddenly,
I hate you,
I hate you,
I hate you,
But don't leave me.
please don't ever leave me.

Love me,
Love me.

Leave me behind.
I'm the borderline
I can be the happiest of people.
But also the most depressing.

See when I feel happiness
I see that the sun shines brighter,
I notice the good in the little things.

When I'm happy l,
I feel invincible.

But then...
In the blink of an eye,
I split.

And suddenly,
I'm the lowest of the low.

I'm standing on that edge,
Hoping to God I have the courage to take one more step.
To end it all.

Staring down that bottle of pills,
feeling like swallowing them maybe wouldn't be so bad.

I am on the borderline...
of your best friend,
And some days,
your worst enemy.

I push you away,
I pull you too close.

The borderline of loneliness,
and never really being alone.

I am on the borderline,

The borderline of insanity.

The borderline of my sanity.

I have borderline personality disorder,

And these borders have taken over me.