i once recalled your memory,
full of heart & sorrow,
heavy is the weight of speaking your name.
i sang a song of longing & regret,
begging for a conversation
to fill the empty air you left me with.
but once the air was full
& satiated by a newcomer,
the glass wall i built around me
had shattered at my feet.
left with nothing but the ever-open,
bleeding wound that i call you.
his words & thoughts may flow likewise,
but his eyes could never hold you
the way mine so selfishly long to
& i feel the familiar ache for the millionth time.
you haunt me like my shadow,
you come to me in waves,
you carved your name in my chambers
& left it desolate for the next.
although my love has renovated,
your name is embedded in the walls.
i cover it with beautiful paintings,
made with new memories, hoping to forget.
so when does it end, the ache, the guilt,
the longing, the love?
i pray to god to grant me mercy
& leave me with an answer
of how to let it go.

if i did not exist
i wonder if the world would know
have i left enough of a mark
i wonder if i did not exist
who would kiss the stars
& tell the moon she is beautiful?
who would nap on the clouds
& sing to the trees?
who would thank the sun for shining
& watch the animals play?
if i did not exist
who would invite you to dance in the rain?
who's face would you see in the sunflowers?
who's name would linger on your tongue?
who would be resting in your heart right now?
if i did not exist
who'd make you laugh in the kitchen?
who'd ask you to taste her recipes?
who's arms would you feel safe in?
who would hold you tight at night?
who would make your eyes light up?
if i did not exist
who would give you advice & guidance?
who would tell you she's proud of you?
if i did not exist
who would have taught you it's okay to cry?
who would have taught you to be kind?
who would have taught you to embrace yourself?
if i did not exist
i don't know if the world would know it...
but i think it would feel it.

black like licorice
& purple like poison
the cloud-like entity takes hold
seeps into the crevices of the mind
whispering to you to end it
it holds you in its pillowy arms
& sways you gently
like a mother holding their child
so comfortable in its cradle
you don't realize you're suffocating
until it's too late to breathe

i'm so much stronger than you know
& if i gotta let you go
well, that's nothing for me
like the pheonix i will rise
from the ashes you left behind
don't worry about me
i always make it out alive

& i'll be back with a vengeance
i promise you
i will ****** every last part of me
that feels any love for you
& when the day comes
that you try to crawl your way back in
you'll have no one, no home to crawl back to

i know that you'll regret
losing the best thing you ever had
angry at yourself for all of your mistakes
wishing things were different
trapped in the confines of your mind
it's a sad sight to see
but a reality you brought upon yourself

so live with it
& leave me out of it

again, i hang my head in shame
a victim of my own impulse
burning every last good thing i have
i dont deserve any peace of what i have
the god of destruction laid its home in my chest
& has ceased to loosen its hold on me
i built the universe only to be afraid of everything honest & real
i have spread my fingers over the land only to embolden the wicked & punish the good
i have betrayed any trust you have laid in me
& tonight i know it ends
because again, i hang my head in shame
knowing i will break your heart
with nothing but the truth
i am a victim of my own impulse
which must mean i am no victim at all...

when the days are long
& my mind gets so hazy,
when the fog rolls in
& my serotonin gets lazy.

when my vision's blurry
& my heart is breaking,
when my body is numb
& my soul is aching.

that's the only time i miss you

it's 5am & im having trouble sleeping tonight
since you aren't here.
so i'm just listening to cigarettes after ***
& all my favorite moody songs in our room,
in the dark, with my headphones pushed into my ears.
it's kind of peaceful & beautiful & dark,
but it's not the same as when you're here.

i can feel your soft, smooth skin still slightly lingering on my fingertips,
yearning to feel your warmth against my body.
i can smell your fragrance next to my flushed cheek
as i press my face into my teddy bear,
he's wearing your cologne sprayed shirt.
i slowly scroll through the few photographs i've claimed of you
& with a steady smile on my lips,
i dream of a day you could finally see yourself as beautiful as i perceive you.
my heart is with you, doing all the things i'm unable to do here.
i'm unable to hear you say "i love you too" & "goodnight" in your sleepy deep voice,
unable to adore you as i stroke your forehead
& nuzzle into the curve of your neck,
unable to giggle & kiss your cheek
as your hand searches for me in your sleep,
unable to turn over & feel you pull me in tightly, close to your chest,
unable to awaken to see your sleepy morning face
& watch your lips slowly curl into a half-smile as i tease you by mocking your morning caveman grunts,
unable to see your beautiful bright blue eyes staring back into mine
as you finally open them
& i hear you say "good morning" softly...
but my heart is there, holding you, kissing you, cherishing you, protecting you.
although it's so difficult to sleep without you
& it pains me to see your side of the bed, empty,
i swallow my sadness & breathe deeply for the moment i get to see you again.
for the moment i will hold you tight in my arms, kiss your soft loving lips
& see your lighthearted smile once more.
& when i can't sleep, i just write poems
about how i miss you & love you & how breath-taking you are to me.
you know i've always had a way with words,
always been able to write pages describing anything & everything
so it touches the mind or the heart.
& now, here they are, all my words,
inspired but clumsily strung together
for you.
even your absence inspires the best of my words to come forth
like an endless love song
& i'm blessed that you are in my life.
i'm blessed & honored to belong to you.

it's 5:30am & it's difficult to sleep without you.
so i write about you, to keep your essence here with me long enough for me to sleep.

its been years since i've seen you last
& seeing your face
created so much fear
of my past coming back to haunt me.
i think you've come for revenge,
to let your rage come through
or maybe just clarity.
& you tell me of all these sweet
but sad things.
of how you never let me go.
& for a moment i felt powerful
for having such an effect on you
even after all i've done.
& then i realize
all i've done.
& i cry for hours.
my heart has come alive again
just to drown.
am i to blame again?
have i done this to you?
did i really destroy your life?
i had prayed from a distance
that you would find love
& be happy with someone
who could love you
like i never could.
am i to blame for your misery
even though i wasn't there?
but i can't fix it, i can't fix you.
i moved on years ago
& i've found a beautiful love
i've felt guilty for so many things,
mountains of guilt for my actions
but i've never felt guilty
for* not *loving someone
until now

if happiness was
a cake,
i wouldn't get
a slice.
i would circle around it,
smelling,
wanting & drooling
over it.
but never daring to
take a slice.
waiting for everyone to take
their share.
& when everyone has taken
one or two,
i see the empty cake plate
& sigh.
my stomach grumbles at me
again.
i am hungry, starved of food
again.
but i refuse to take a slice
of cake.
& like a sick girl, if i was offered
a bite
of someone else's slice & i ate it,
i'd *****.
purging myself of the things i'm not
allowed to have.
because i'm not a girl who deserves
this cake.
& i cry myself to sleep asking myself
"why"?
why can't i just eat the cake
& be happy?
but i still refuse to take a slice
of cake.
because it seems so much easier
when i'm empty.

there was  ice  wrapped
around my   h  e  a  r  t,
f r  e  e z  i  n g  it shut.
& then  the  ice  started
m  e  l   t  i   n  g  away,
but i  suddenly  started
f  e   e   l  i   n   g   cold.
cause this  ice,  burning
i n s i d e   my   v e i n s
has   made  itself  home.
cause   once    this     ice
crystallized,   my heart
got  f  r  o  s  t  b  i  t  e.
so  just because  the  ice
is  gone,  doesn't  mean
that my  heart has been
s       a      v      e       d.

i wish i understood
why my heart aches

ahh love,     self love.
the more  self aware
i become, the more i
bloom, the less i
destroy & the
happier i
feel.

my heart is on fire
my throat is closing in
my eyes are leaking
& im breaking down
i'm worried
that this is all in my head
what if i'm forcing this?
what if i'm not?
what if i love you?
what if i don't?
what if
what if it's in my head
& im self-destructing
i'm so sick of these
"what if"s circling my head
so what if
i'm confused
only because
**i don't like the answer

i have
the strangest dreams.

i've dreamt of skeletons,
walking on their hands.
i've dreamt of sleeping,
& having nightmares,
a dream within a dream.
i've dreamt of a huge storm,
with a tornado,
whipping a car at my house.
i've dreamt of seeing my ex,
asking about his daughter
& talking as friends.
i've dreamt of seeing another ex,
arguing with him again about,
who's to blame for the breakup.
i've dreamt about friends
i used to have
suddenly asking me out.
i've dreamt about my body
morphing into a skeleton,
then dissolving into ash.
i've dreamt of gum stuck
in my teeth but every time i pull,
there's still more gum stuck.
i've dreamt about my love,
suddenly having enough of me,
just as everyone has.

i've dreamt of so much.
dreams are said to have meaning.
but when i search for a meaning
i'm left more confused than before.
but still,
i have the strangest dreams.

i feel so happy
no worries, no doubts, just love
it is that simple

some days,
i can be very brave.
some days,
i can be a coward.
today,
i am a coward.
today,
i walked away.
i walked so far
that i left my job behind.
today,
i was a coward.

i have this silly little habit.
this habit of thinking.
overthinking, worrying, fearing.
but you make me happy.
you make me feel safe.
i trust you fully.
i love you completely.
& i don't want to overthink
or worry
or be fearful.
i just want this.
you.
us.
so i'll ignore the voice screaming in my head
saying it must be too good to be true
& listen to my heart whispering
"it's okay to be happy."
because the things it screams about
will only come true
if i let it.

i'm not the kind of person who trusts easily.
i guard my heart & test people's limits.
i push & push until they're exhausted.
i'm always scared to be abandoned again,
so i leave before they can.
& when i learned to trust,
i was still paranoid.
i don't trust easily,
i don't trust.
but then there's you.
& somehow, without saying a word
i trust you completely.

i have learned so much of myself
i have learned of my mistakes
my failures
& faults.
i've been reacquainted with myself
i have learned of my greatness
my kindness
& love.
i still have much of myself left to give
but i need to give those wonders
to myself
only.
only i can appreciate my full self
only i can love my full self
until otherwise
proven.