He loves me;
      He loves me not
He is proud;
      He is angry
He hates me;
      He hates me not
He holds me;
       He hurts me
He says he's sorry
        He's really not

He loves me?
         He loves me not.

You say that I
Am a work of art

And I'll believe you
Because you know what?

That picture you drew
At three,
Where you can't tell if that blue blob
Is an elephant,
Your grandma,
Or just a blue blob

*That's art too

Did you know?
At the center of the universe
There's a black hole

Which means
The heart of the universe
Is remarkably similar to mine

You must be perfect
Never mess up

Be beautiful
Never average

Be smart
But not too smart

Be silly
But not ridiculous

No you're too fat
Too tall
Your hair is too frizzy
And what's with the bangs?

What are you thinking?
You look like a nerd
You want to look smart
But not that smart

Idiot
You're far too quiet
Be louder
But not so loud you're annoying
You'll never fit in

Just be perfect
Don't make any mistakes
Oh wait
It's too late for that

You stupid human
You're too human
You're supposed to be perfect
It's what everyone expects
But you're failing miserably

Life is no story

It's not Disney,
Or John Greene,
Or Rick Riordan

The end isn't happy
Or sad
Or astonishing
Or mysterious
Or much of anything at all
You simply stop living

Life is no story

I'd love it if it were
Please,
Tell me how to act
Tell me what to say
Tell me who to love
Make my life easier

Life is no story

There is no
******
Eplilogue
Moral

There are no plans
No one cares about you
Not all will build to the end

For life is not a story

Hey,
I know it's hard
But I need you
Please stay

Hey,
I know you've been hurt
But I will never leave you
Please hold on

Hey,
I can't promise it will be okay
But I try to make it that way
Please keep going

Hey,
You're my best friend
I need you
Please, please stay
Stay here with me
I need you

Hey,
Let's make it okay together

I used think
Of suicide
All the time

How
When
Where

But really,
Suicide
Sounds like a lot
Of work

What I really wish
Is that death
Would just take me
And I wouldn't have to come
To it

That I would fall from great heights
But not on purpose

That a bear would eat me
Without prompting

That water would take me
Without my help

That I would just die
But not on purpose

Or even better
But truly impossible,

I wish I had never been born

That I had never disgraced
This world
With my presence

That I never
Met you
So you wouldn't have to pretend
To be my friend

That I never
Forced my
Ugly words
On people

I honestly wish I had never been born

So no,
I do not
Want to commit suicide

But yes,
I do want to die
Or have never been alive

If I could have
I would have
But I couldn't
And I can't
And I'm *sorry

Who says depression
Must be gray?

It's not

I see red
In the blood
From my cuts

I see,
Blues, greens, purples
In the bruises
From the
"Accidents"

I see white clearness
In the tears
From the sadness

I see orange and yellow
From the hot
Bursts of pain

So take it from me,
Depression
Is not simply
*Gray

Dear Lord,
        
Please,
Take me home
I can't do it anymore

Everyone is laughing
While I sit here crying

Please lord,

I can't see
The purpose of this pain

Take me home
Please
Please

Lord,
Please take me home
I hate this world
I don't want to live here
Any longer

I just want to go home
I wish I'd never left

Please take me home lord

The road of life is not straight,
And it does more than
Simply turn out of sight.
It winds and it bends,
And it twists out of sight.
It climbs great high mountains,
And creeps through dark forests.
It disappears underground at times,
So you can't even see,
Your hand in front of your face,
Let alone the next trick life life throws at you.
It crosses huge plains,
And trudges through oceans.
Sometimes it rains,
or even pours,
And yet just as often,
The sun shines so bright and hot,
That you can barely breathe,
Or even just see.
Life gives you options,
Forks in the road,
You don't know where you're going,
But you go all the same.
You wish for a road map,
But none ever came.
So you just keep on marching,
And we'll do the same.

Yes, we'll all just keep on marching,
On this road we call life.

Please,
Remind me;

What does joy feel like?
Why is it so desired?
Does it even exist?

Remind me;

What does content sleep feel like?
Do you dream?
Can you remember anything?

Remind me;

What does peace feel like?
Does it ever change?
Is it really that good?

Remind me;

What does innocence feel like?
Do you care about things still?
Are there still some who feel it?

I'll remind you;
Not knowing these
*****

The problem with me,
Is not my back,
But the fact that
I hate to see suffering

If I see someone in pain,
I do everything I can
To carry their burden

As I'm getting older however,
I've met too many people,
And carry too many problems

I was sure I could handle it
But I don't know if I can.
So I hope you are happier,
Back problems are worth it
To see you smile again

Just don't be suprised
If someday soon,
My spine
Simply
*Snaps

If I fall
I doubt anyone would care

And if they did,
They'd probably be
Relieved

Not concerned

More of a
"Finally,
She's gone"
Sort of thing

Not a
"Oh no,
She's slipping"
Sort of thing

But if for some odd reason
You see me falling
And want to help

Just walk away
Just let me fall

You can't catch me
I'm too heavy
From the weight of
Lies and regrets

We would both fall then
And it would be my fault

So if you see me falling
Follow your instinct,
*And just walk away

Do not be mistaken,
I understand
All too well
How blessed I am.

I have a house,
Food,
Family,
And friends.

I live among trees,
And I still get to be a child
Occasionally

My friends
Give encouragement
When I need it,
So pretty much all the time
And will
Talk with me
If I can't sleep

I can post on this site
And not be laughed at,
A nice respite

I am smart,
At least I work hard
Anyway

My parents love me,
Even if they don't understand me,
Which is more than some can say

So for all this,
And many things more
I am forever grateful

*Thank you

I can fake a smile
Quite well

I can laugh when
I really want to cry

I can scream
So quietly you'll never hear

I can cry
Invisible tears

I can live
While dying inside

And I can hide
While standing right there

As you can see
I have quite a long resume,
Oh God,
Of why I,
Of all your children,

*Should be the next to come home

Poetry is just taking

Fear
Pain
And anger
And forcing it into words

Poetry is simply taking

Sadness
Depression
And anxiety
And giving it rhythm

Poetry is merely taking

Worry
Love
And broken hearts
And making it a pattern

Poetry is taking these things
And writing it in blood
Pouring your heart out
And giving them life

I feel like I'm drowning
But I can see others breathing

And somehow
That's my fault

It's like if I could just learn to be normal
Everything would be okay

And back to the drowning thing;
It's like I'm just inches from the surface
But I don't have the energy to reach it

But I also feel like I'm burning
And freezing
All at once

I know that makes no sense,
But it's like being so cold,
Your insides are on fire

I feel like I'll never be enough
Like everything is pointless
And I have no energy
But I can't sleep at night

Like,
I haven't been posting
On this site
Because I couldn't find the strength
But now I'm posting
In a last attempt to hold on

And it feels like being sick
Like, you know you're going to die
And you know it will be soon
You just don't know when

And it's pointless
I'm pointless
Life is pointless
Everthing is pointless

And I don't know what to do

I'm dying,
Please,
Someone help me...

This is how I feel
I don't know what it is
But this is how I feel

(I'm so sorry)

I can't decide which is worse

Nightmares
Where they're so real
And terrible
That you wake up sobbing
In the middle of the night

Or

Dreams
Where they're so real
And wonderful
That when you wake up
And realize none of it was real
You feel the temporary joy
Drain out of you
And cry hopeless tears

I wanted to be a star
So bad

Away from the stress
The guilt
The sadness

I wanted to be a star
So I floated up
And became one

But now I float
Helplessly
Hopelessly
I am so lonely
And sad

I am out of oxygen
I need to get home

But here I float
Even if I could
Get to the gravity again
I would just
Fall

And believe me
No one would catch me

I'm dying
But I'm not dead

I'm fine

I'm bleeding
But there's still blood

I'm fine

I'm suffocating
But there's still air

I'm fine

I'm falling apart
But my core's intact

I'm fine

*I'm lying
I'm not fine

A Shattered Family
       *A Perfect Life
A Lovely Painting
       A Deadly Knife

The words were echoing
        Echoing

Just like before

Smudged Black Lipstick
   Inhaling Black Smoke

Around and around we go

She blinked her eyes, her head unclear
When had the spinning come so near?

Black lipstick
Black smoke
A knife
A picture

A family here, a family gone
Spinning...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

She had lost her senses
Lost who she was

The world kept on spinning
When her mind suddenly stilled

I've got a box of secrets,
That I've hidden away,
Safe and sound

Most are mine,
Some are yours,
As well as,
A few of others.

I trusted you,
With my box of secrets,
And you tipped it over.

All my secrets
Spilled right out
For all the world to see.

By the time I,
Had cleaned them all up,
You were long gone.

But I want you to know,
That if you spill my secrets again,
I will clean up mine
But leave yours lying in the dust.

Have you ever seen someone
Fall in slow motion?

A seemingly gentle descent
Till they hit the ground?

That's not possible
You reply

What about that boy in your math class,
Who committed suicide last year?

What about that little girl
Whose father beat the life out of her?

What about the teenager
Who took their own life?

What about all the people
Who hurt themselves each year?

What about the man
Who blew himself up last month?

What about that woman
Who hung herself from all the stress?

What about that mother
Who drowned herself for losing her baby girl?

What about me?
Have you seen me?

I'm falling
Falling slowly, but surely
And the ground is getting dangerously close

Trust me,
**It's possible

You said 'I love you'
And I said it too

You said you'd never leave
You'll always help me breathe

You said I made you happy
Even though that seems a bit sappy

But you see:

I know that love is not real

I know that forever never lasts

And I know that happiness is a lie

And oh god,
*It's gonna hurt when you're gone

I want to trust you
I really do

But you see,
Last time I misplaced
My trust
It nearly killed me

So you'll understand
If I push you away
Because if I let you in
You're there to stay

And once you are in
If you leave
I will shatter
Into so many pieces
I will never recover

So I'm sorry,
But you are just too good
And I don't know if I can risk
Letting someone in again

Watch out
She's five steps from the river

I'm so ugly
She thinks

Now she is
Four steps from the river

I'm so stupid
She says to herself

Uh oh
Now three steps from the river

You're not normal
Someone says

And pushes her
Two steps from the river

A laugh in the back
At her presentation

Quick, help her
She's one step from the river

And as someone says
You're not wanted here

She takes the final step
Zero steps from the river

She's gone

Every time
I look inside myself
I want to cry

Who is this girl?
She is disgusting
And ugly
And dumb

No one likes this girl

Every time
I look in the mirror
I want give up

Who is this girl?
She is fat
And stupid
And flawed

No one wants this girl

Every time
I think of my past
My soul starts aching

Who was that girl?
She was sweet
And kind
And lovely

What happened to that girl?

Every time
Every single time

**It hurts

No one wants a cutter

Run, run
As fast as you can
One look at my scars
And everyone will leave

No one wants a cutter

Watch me bleed
And walk away
You said you care
But I know you lied

No one wants a cutter

See my tears
You'll just leave
Because no one ever cares
And no one ever stays

No one wants a cutter

I'll slit my wrists
You won't shed a tear
You'll smile in relief
That burden is gone

*No one wants a cutter

I want to dance through the
Ribbons of the wind

To listen to the
Music of the trees

To hear the
Song of the ocean

To watch the flowers
Dance and sway

And see the stars
Twinkling high above

And know my place
In this beauty
Just like when I was little

I love you,
For still calling me *****
Even though you are 12
And that is not cool

I love you,
For making me smile,
When I am feeling down,
Even though I never tell you how I am feeling

I love you,
For knowing what I need,
When even our parents,
Haven't got a clue

I love you,
For staying naive,
In this horrible world,
Even though you don't like it

I love you,
For being able to hold your own,
When we are arguing,
Even though you are younger than me

I love you,
For showing the world your quirks,
And being proud the whole time,
Something I could never do

I love you,
For being my little sister,
For being your beautiful self,
For being there for me.

I love you, sis
Happy birthday

You can feel it
I know you can

(You must be perfect)

It's in the pinching shoes
Tight little shorts
Heavy rings and jewelry

(You must be perfect)

It's in the noise
In the bright lights,
Warm bodies

(You must be perfect)

It's in the heat of hair
On your neck,
In tired made-up eyes

(You must be perfect)

It's in the air we breathe
Every moment we're outside

I can feel it
I know you can too

My english teacher says
You **** at writing

My math teacher says
You're gonna fail

My history teacher says
Go to sleep

My science teacher says
Just get out

Yet they still want me to learn
*How am I supposed to do that?

Why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.

You say maybe low blood sugar,
I'd say that's off the list.

Could it possibly be
From not sleeping for days
Due to worrying
Over silly things?

Or maybe,
It's the sadness that overwhelms me
Every day and every night

Perhaps,
It is from working too hard.
To keep everyone happy,
My grades up,
My smiles big.

So why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.
I'd say it's probably
Not
From low blood sugar.

Dear Ocean,

I'd like to join you
You're the only place where I'm at peace
The only place where I am safe
Where it is quiet

Dear Ocean,

I'd like to sink
Beneath your powerful waves
To stay with you forever
Where it is calm

Dear Ocean,

Let my salty tears
Meet your salty waters
And they will float away
I will be safe forever

Dear Earth,
I'm sorry
But this is goodbye
I'm leaving
I'll go meet the Ocean

Dear Society,
Are you happy?
You win

Dear Ocean,
Thank you
I am coming
Please keep me safe
Now and forever

The only thing worse
Than giving up in the night
Because you can't stand it anymore,
Is giving up
As you watch the sun rise,
Because all you can think is:
*There's another night coming

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

A locked door
A rusty razor
A towel stained with red

A folded note
A broken mirror
A young girl lies there dead

Their emotions tangle
And the room begins to swirl
She was mommy's perfect angel
And daddy's little girl

I hate myself
I really do
Everything about myself
It's awful

The way I can't ever explain how I feel
Just right

Or how I am so freaking
Ugly

The way no one likes me
Because I don't fit in

How I never sleep
And cry each night

I hate myself
Totally and completely

Someone told me that this is selfish
Well I'm sorry
I'll just quit trying to hate myself
Because this pain is clearly intentional

**I hate myself

Just hold on...
People tell me

Hold on to what?
Hold on *for what?

Nobody's coming
I'm not getting saved

But still I hold on
My knuckles are white
My hands are shaking
But I'm still holding on

I made a promise
And I keep my promises

You say
Just hold on

And I'm trying.
For you.

ISTEP
That's the standardized test
Where I live

Istepped
Through great hurdles

Istepped
Low and sad

Istepped
Hard and fast

Istepped
Into stress

I did everything I could
ISTEP
So if I messed up,
I'm sorry

*Itripped

“Don’t eat all the green olives”
She says

“I don’t like the black ones”
She says

I frown a little
Shock biting my heart

“I know it’s stupid”
She laughs

“It’s just how I am”
She shrugs

I force a smile
My mind in the past

“Don’t eat all the green olives!”
She shrieks

“I won’t eat the black ones”
She pouts

He runs away with the bowl
Laughing as he steals the olives

“Come and get them!”
He calls

“I’m eating the green ones!”
He says

We, the oldest,
Exchange annoyed looks

“Hello? Anyone home”
She teases

“Where’d you go?”
She laughs

I offer a weak smile
And look away from the olives

Hiding from the memory within them