Suger kisses
Silly crushes
Candy hearts ask
"Will you be mine?"
Wandering eyes
A glance at her thighs
Thorns on the roses in the bouquet you bought yesterday
Two things that can pierce
And in between
Two things that bleed
Heart shaped cardboard boxes
Filled with chocolate
And caramel
Walking through target
Commercialised, consumerisim
And everyone likes talking about how
This holiday is what it is for more sales
Than romance
And its true
Sugar hearts do not equal ancient love
But we love to spend
Money and time
On someone we love
Or someone we are saying sorry to
Maybe its the same one
Humans are so cute
Making cards
Red and pink
And surprising with favorited
Chocolate things
But today is take out
The girl your 'one true' doesn't know about
Or maybe they do
But choose not to mention it
Because maybe they
Really

Love,

You.

Lacy black things
Long receipts
Long nights
Not at the office
Where you claim to be
Let me ask you
Were the flowers for her

As large, and as beautiful,

As the flowers for me?

Counting calories when I'm bored
Analyzing fat
Comparing flatness
I am the queen of obsession
So quickly
So easily
And then it is too late
So I don't let myself think about it constantly
I try not to
But I do
And all my friends say I have the flattest stomach
But when I look in the mirror
All I can see
Is how my thighs are thicker than last year

I have connected pain with reward
That if it hurts its healing
That if I'm hungry I'll improve
The red is rising with no ceiling
Keeping low to the ground
Not taking off my shirt when I kiss you

Crying with no sound
Not letting myself miss you

Processed sugar is a no
But I am so cold


All the time.

The shadows on my wall don't frighten me.
As much as my own hands before the screen.
You worry me.
A pill,
You say.
I will,
You say,
You scare me.

I have seen your scars.
I know your demons.
Your past your present .
I know your secrets.
Why this though?
Why,
Suicide?
For once,
My best friend made me cry.
The wall was broken.
My fist was bleeding.
For I knew who was at fault.
She's fine,
They say
Do you know her?
I ask
Because I don't believe you when you say you do.
She would,
I cry,
She will,
I scream,
Heaven please help me.


A deep breath.
A final plead.
I fall to my knees.

Exhaustion.
But you are breathing.
and I may carry your life in my hands.
Again maybe,
You never know.

You can't be angry

It's not allowed

You should've gotten those feelings out long ago

Otherwise

They'll eat you up

Again.

What happens when its quiet?
When there's nothing left to say,
When woods, and fields,
Aren't miles away.
When roads are quiet and footsteps are the only thing interrupting your thoughts?
Which,
Are always louder alone.
Birds always sing louder when they're  alone.

Anxiety likes to stand on my chest.
And cool breezes, and sunsets,
And quiet roads,
seem to be the only thing,

That reminds me,


I'm me.

I  was so happy to have him after i lost you
i  WAS  so happy to have him after i lost you
i was  SO  happy to have him after i lost you
i was so  HAPPY  to have him after i lost you
i was so happy  TO  have him after i lost you
i was so happy to  HAVE  him after i lost you
i was so happy to have  HIM  after i lost you
i was so happy to have him  AFTER  i lost you
i was so happy to have him after  I  lost you
i was so happy to have him after i  LOST  you
i was so happy to have him after i lost YOU

no matter what part you choose to emphasize, the phrase stays the same. over and over again, i repeat it. i lost you, now i have him, over and over and over again.

I  was so happy to have him after i lost you
i  WAS  so happy to have him after i lost you
i was  SO  happy to have him after i lost you  
i was so  HAPPY  to have him after i lost you


i was so happy to have him after  I lost you
i was so happy to have him after i LOST you
i was so happy to have him after i lost YOU

I'm uninterested,
In your choice of conversation,
I am unamused,
By the abuse,
You speak.

the plastic girls are
Always having friends
Never needing rules

I say I hate them
The boys
All of them
Really I hate me
For letting them treat me
The way that they do

you with all you're ****?
i'm getting bored

Part of me wants to scream that you don't even know me
How could you?

Split
Cut up
We're all crazy

But lately
You've all been getting engaged and married and having babies

And honestly?
I don't care.

I don't know you

You don't know me

You never wanted to.

You only like the idea of acting like family
That's why you execute it poorly
Because the reality
Is that this **** is messy
You are not willing to move past it

Do not get angry at me
For being done with your fakeness.

Night
Dark
Turn off the light
I can't see your face
Touch my heart
Inches apart
Making my mind race

Over and under
Enclosed space
Not a trace
Of broken here
Nothing like pain
Or reality is anywhere near

Touch
Love
Why

Because we turned the lights off.

I want to be done in the way that isn't final

Maybe just be in a coma for like
Three years

And not have to worry about anything
Or see anyone
Or go anywhere

People get exhausting
Work piles up
Money becomes not worth it

Emptiness make you wanna give up

Drowning in homework
Or your own blood

A constant headache
A steady job

I feel like I'm withering away

Even though I'm so young
And I really shouldn't complain

My life is pretty okay

But the more friends I make

The more tired I get
The more they wanna talk
The less I do
And I can feel myself pushing away
Because they're "normies"
They'd never understand

And I'm trying to plan my whole life out in front of me
Even though obstacles keep delaying me
And people keep disappointing me

I have to remember
Again
And again

The world doesn't revolve around me

I will not rest until the trees outside my windows do
Their sway
I wonder what makes them so unsteady...
But it isn't really my window
Or my house
Or my bed
Just like how
This night does not belong to me
Kinda like my own head
I give away parts of me
That I refuse to need
Like love
Or dreams
I push ******* to my Lips
Inhale and then exhale
Pretending I have a cigarette balanced between them
I love the taste of cigarettes even though I know they are killing machines
I love you
Fiercely
When I know **** well
You could end me
It's like that song I heard once
Alone
But I felt less lonely after I heard it
For some reason
Ghosts haunt me
You could call obsession
Infidelity
You could call dreams
Unfaithful

You should've called me.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about my stupid lonely
You could know
That only you sit on my brains
'Wish list'
Only you fester in my belly
If you knew
About all the people I have broken to make myself appear a little more whole
Or how much growing up I did in a year
Or that January
Or that June
If only you knew
About my crazy
The kind that only makes sense to some people
But still doesn't make sense to you...
No
I will not rest until the trees do.

"Do not confuse loneliness for love my dear,
Because one day,
You will mean a great deal to someone,
And they will not mean anything to you".

Smells like sleep,
Like sweat,
Like peaches,
Like fall,
Like clean hair,
And not so new,
Shoes.

Like skin
Like soft
*like you

sleep,
Sleep,
      Don't eat away,
  At my,
        Dreams,
   Don't let them fade away,

    By all means,

Don't forget to forget your face,
The way,
      
        HOME...

Love,
   Love don't,


    Eat away at me,

       ...please...

  Sleep,

     Keep my soul,
          My soul to keep....
Cause I can't fall asleep......

    Pain,
     Please try to refrain,
  

          From breaking,



      My bitter heart,
And time it's taking,
      
     To breathe,


Heart,


      Please don't let me,
                   Fall apart,
                                Catch me,
Before I


                  D
                     R
                        O
                             W
                                  N

Cause I might drown...

Seasonal depression
Opens the wound
Again

Can't go Christmas tree shopping
Or ice skating
Without noticing the
Chasm

I'd give almost anything

Just to feel loved
Like that

For a day.

"I don't have a good answer for you, really"
You kiss me
"I don't get involved"
I run my fingers through your hair
"People are too messy"
I fell for your everywhere
"I think friends is best"
You kiss my neck
"I don't get too close"
I take off your shirt
"Lets take this slow"
Hold my face don't let go

We are both messy
We both have messy pasts, presents, and futures
We both fell too fast
We both still aren't over our exes
We both needed casual
We both craved intimacy

You were fun
But you couldn't trace the sky on me

I kissed summer goodbye and it gave me ******,
That *****,
I bet it kisses all the teenagers.

"aren't you scared?"
"i'm too naive to be scared"

Maybe
At the beginning of the end
Of a slew
Of bad dreams
And night terrors
I will discover
The darkest caverns
Where you learned you could hold her hands to silence her
Where did you learn you could hold her hands to silence her
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
In the middle of a conversation, she was animated, she was young, and she would talk as much with her hands as her mouth
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
WHERE
DID YOU LEARN
WHERE
DID YOU SEE
DID YOU WATCH IT OVER AND OVER
ON A SCREEN OF *******
AND THEN TRY IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS SHE WILL GO QUIET  
AND
WHITE LIKE A SHEET
Was it behind closed doors
Was it upstairs in the crevice of a horror story


IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS YOU WILL SILENCE HER
BUT
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
That
WHERE DID YOU SEE
That
how could you know?
You showed us all
Like you had practiced
In the middle of a conversation
You would grab her wrists
And she would look back
Mouth sewed shut with a rusty needle
Covered in blood
  
That’s why I believed her
I mean god, how could anyone not believe her
When she said
You’d stolen her voice
I saw it
I watched it
Different context
But the action
Haunts me
The truth is
When my sister and her boyfriend broke up,
I was waiting for her to tell me.

I was her,
the girl in those poems you wrote
the girl you lied to
the girl you wanted, but never enough
the girl you argued with when you were lonely, or bored
the girl you made up with just so you could do it again

I trailed you
obsessed over you
some of those poems were true
but I know they aren't about
me
anymore

i wasn't as interesting as you believed me to be.

Everybody has a dream,
Though we might not understand what they mean,
We leave are hearts open,
To be ripped from chests,

We can't be the only broken ones,
This can't be the end,
Because,
Tomorrow is another day,
We'll fall inlove again, for God sakes,
I'm not sure any more,
What we're fighting for,
Everybody has something they're battling,
Whether or not it has to do with us,
Everyone has something that they're thinking of,
And I know this,
Just because,
I can't be the only one,
I can't stand alone,
in this battle with myself,
We can't be the only ones,
That are battling ourselves,
Pinned against the only things we know,

I hate starting over
Because all I can do is bask in the failure

It does not matter where we come from
When we enter this studio we are equals
So do not act like you are better then me
Just because I live on the 'scary'
Street
Because when it comes down to it
We are only as good as we create ourselves to be
And you are on the same level as me
But we are
Different
In one way
Your dancing is polished
But unpassionate
And mine the opposite
You are on this level from experience
I am here
Because I love it
And it shows
And I work towards it constantly
My brain is messy
I spend long nights
On the cement floor in my living room
Getting bruised
Working till my muscles are too sore
To move
Or i am simply taken over by too much emotion
Because I'm laying on the cold floor crying softly
While the music I am supposed to be stretching to plays
You are in your
Thousand dollar bed
Sleeping peacefully
That
Is the difference between you and me.

You.
Fell.
For.
Me.
Like.
The.
Rain.
Falls.
For.
The.
ground.
Onl­y.
To.
Disappear.
Into.
The.
Night.
Sky.

Oh.
You.
Fell.
All.
The­.
Time.

Fall asleep in my lap like tangled jewelry,
I don't know where you begin,
And I end,
And it doesn't matter really.
The TV glows,
harry potter fight scenes
Or
some random 80s movie
'Cause I love those.

Lace your fingers,
And my fingers,
And your toes,
In my toes,
I'll put my head on your shoulder,
And you'll inhale slowly,

You play with my hair,
And I'll tell you,
You don't really know me.

The snap of twigs under my feet,
Makes me remember to crackle of lighting,
That one night.
The wind is harsh,
Fall colored leaves,
Fall to the ground,
Slowly they whip back and forth,
Slowly I block up my past,
Slowly I attempt to become unchained,
Slowly.....
I pretend I am just tired from lack of sleep,
Not from lack of love,
Of comfort,
I pretend I am just sad,
Not chronic depression
That keeps coming back...
It's getting dark out now,
I'm walking down the trail on the property
We can barely afford.
I climb trees and stay at the top,
Attempting to see,
Me
Beyond my depression,
Beyond my obsession,
Of being ok..
I have to go back,
I say.
I have to climb down,
Out,
From the pit I have dug for myself,
I have lists of people who gladly handed me the shovel,
But it's my choice to climb out,
I breath in and slowly ascend out of my
Pain,
Down from my tree,
Head back to the house...

I'm ok.

my darling,
tonight we are not broken

tonight,
we are stars

and even though,
we have died,
hundreds of years ago

no one on earth needs to know

tonight,
we burn bright

forget about about the past,
forget about our fight,
because tonight,
*we burn bright.

Last year I was addicted to caffeine
I used to call anxiety spicy energy
Espresso shots and soft drinks tore their way through my veins
The year before that
I was addicted to you
I used to call the sadness inspiration
I used to call you
And you would always ignore me
I used to be addicted to writing
But people go through phases
We mimic nature
The moon is dark and darker and then it’s light again
Your heart is warm and warmer and then it’s cold
And friends
Will change and leave you behind
And you will cry in your car all night
After eating one too many edibles

This poem’s a mess
And so is my head

This year I don’t have any addictions
This year I am free
And I found that there isn’t that much in my personality
I tied myself to people and things
And being alone is scary
But I guess it’s better then being a slave
I guess it’s better to be ordinary.

It scared you


I know it did

I grew weary

you were never in bounds
so many reasons
but i still want you
for so many more