I have sterile hands and a fragile heart
Tired eyes and heavy limbs
Stony stare and limp lip
I couldn’t want you anymore
And now I’m stuck staring at my bathroom floor
I’m a slave to your magnetic charm
A ****** for your magic smile
All these years, I thought I had a monopoly on your attention...
But now you’re hugging her
And I’m catatonic

It let go.
I struggled out of its pale, bony fingers...
I doubted and contemplated other means of escape, but I kept fighting,
Never giving up.
***** fingernails, bitten raw,
Was what I saw when it grabbed me in the hallways many years ago.
But I never stopped trying to break free.
Never.
I scratched, kicked, and screamed!
I scratched and hit,
And the blood of the hands just poured   Down,
Down,
Down,
Red thick blood.
And it laughed. It laughed in my face.
When this happens, don’t be startled or scared. Don’t give up.
Because when it laughs, it’s in pain. And
Finally,
Finally,
Finally,
It let go.
A month ago, maybe two.
Maybe yesterday or tomorrow,..
I stopped keeping track.
But I’ve finally been able to smile
Without the sadness holding onto me.
You’ll get there too.

my face goes weak
my heart goes numb
because if i were self-aware
in these little moments,
the fake laughter
would be, oh
so obvious.

I want to be an enigma
I want the words to fall out of my head
And into your hand
Or maybe into nothingness,
That would be better
I’m begging to feel nothing
And I’m dying to feel something
Just let me disappear, God
Let me fade away
For Forever
~

I can’t be a mind reader,
Tell me what you mean
I don’t understand the language that you speak

I’m happy, it’s okay!
The sadness is a part of me
But genuine smiles cover over it.
I know I’ll be sad eventually... For one moment,
One hour,
One day.
Maybe even a month,
But it’s okay...
That’s life and I accept it.
Okay.
This is me and I accept it.

I own a heart                  
                     Dark and pumping
It helps
        And it hurts.                                                           It’s near to me
It’s always here

                 Blue and red flashes,
Flesh.  
Blood red.
                                             Soul.

Mixed with shame,
A tint of red that calls my name.
Tiptoe around the subject,
Or else you’ll see me burst.
Holding all these things inside
Makes me feel worse.

Guilt,
Spotted on my bones
Spilled along my guts
Crawling up my spine
To greet my eyes with tears.

Doubting this is it,
The panic starts to set in.
It’s starting again...
Is this my forever?
Relapse
Replace
Release
Relapse
Replace
Re-

I don’t know what love is but I’ve tasted it before. I’ve danced this dance with you a thousand times. The dreaming took place, no matter the hour as I imagined your head next to mine. I’ve tried to forget you and your boundless warmth and I’ve tried to resist the desire to reach. But I’m afraid that you’ve slipped from me, my life, and my grip, leaving only saudade behind. You won’t remember me in her arms. “Do you miss me?” I think in the dark. “Do you think of me, even at all?” —

As the hate pours in, I’ll stand my ground
I don’t stand for fake friends
Hopefully they’ll apologize and it can be good again

You claim to be open-minded, yet you set boundaries which uninspire
You’re judgmental and don’t love people who are different, you only love the “different” that you choose
Your life doesn’t allow for true freedom, only freedom within a limit of constraints that were set by others, a freedom that won’t last forever
Your alternative lifestyle is draining and anything conservative is to be shunned
There is no balance
And one day you’ll find that between the laughter, the celebration, and overall dulling of the senses, that you are unhappy
And tired of being free

A smile graced my face for the first time in a while
I saw the city and stood both in the darkness and the fire
I know my path, the same one that was written time before me
I know it’s meant to be, I’ve read the signs and productivity

I’m lazy, not depressed
That’s why I lay in bed all day
My room is a mess
And my limbs don’t work anymore
I’m lazy, not depressed
I’m sad because I’m irresponsible
I cry because I’m guilty,
I don’t cry because I’m depressed
I cry because I’m lazy.
That’s all I’ll ever be
No one said that to me
But actions are more than speak

It’s different
Every time I arrive
I am alive
But it feels as if I’ve died
And the only roadblock is
Is my mind

You push me up against the wall,
Because our love is bound to fall.
But you know what you can’t do?
You can’t save it.
You put your hands around my hips,
A taste of bitter guilt.
Your lips, my lips—
We kiss.
It’s the last time I’ll do this.
It’s over, that’s for sure.
A disaster? I don’t think so.
I’m walking out the door.
I know you’ll never find me.
You know that we’re done for.

Wanting to scream
But nobody heard
I lived in darkness yet feared being alone

I couldn’t speak
Of the voices I heard
The ones that gave me the blade and told me to, “Get to work”

But honestly, most of it’s on me,
I never wanted them to look

I said things I didn’t really mean,
But depends on what you took

I was unable
To cope with the

Situation

I was unstable

i’m
      in
          a
             state
of
            lucidity,

dreaming
                      e
     ­              n
                     D
                       l
                       e
                         s
                      s
                       l
                         y      
of
   company.