in order to make it home safely,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to move forward,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to become a better person,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to understand myself,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to do just about anything, really,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

but i never do.
in fact, the most i've ever managed
is just a few steps
before i freeze in my tracks, unable to keep going.

it confused me at first,
but like anything else in life,
all i had to do was connect the dots
to realize why i always get stuck there.

if only you'd move.
if only you wouldn't take residence
at the end of this hallway,
staring at me quietly from the opposite side.
if only you'd turn around,
even if just for a moment,
so that i might dash forth before you look at me again,
as if it were a game of "red light, green light."

but you don't.

you never move.
you never turn around.
you simply observe me from afar,
waiting for the day where i'll be able to move
forward
on my own
even in your presence.

sorry to say, but
i'm not quite sure when
or if
that day will ever come.

Love, hate, life, and death?
In seventeen syllables?
Give me a minute.

Feelings.
Emotions.

They interrupt, deceive.

Are they necessary?

Yes.
*Yes.

An aura of every color.

Mystifying.

Yet, you sheathe it.

Your voice healed me.

Wait.

I've never heard you speak.

Evolution.
Adaptation.

Concepts which don't seem to apply to me.

I don't care if nothing ever changes.

I'll keep writing.

You told me what I didn't want to hear.

Good.

Eat.
Work.
Sleep.

Repeat.

Security. Stability.
But at what cost?

Close one door,
open another,
and....

...back where I started.

"Play your cards right."

If only you'd stop shuffling them.

What I learned by the end of it...
...was nothing.

An over-analytic,
overbearing,
misguided idiot.

That about sums it up.

"Follow the leader," they said.
Look where that got me.

All I do
is stare out this window
and think.

I'm stuck in the past,
and honestly,
it's your fault.

My thoughts are toxic, venomous.
"Where's your antidote?"
Good question.

Speaking hurts. Thinking hurts.
Unless it's
to you, about you.

If only we'd never met,
so I could experience you again.

Let's pretend life's a movie.
You've got two hours.

Lately, whenever I'm about to fall asleep,
an inexplicable
and outrageous surge
of unfathomable dread
creeps into my being
and ruptures my peace.

It sends shivers down my spine
and makes my skin crawl.

This dread invades my soul at the same time each night,
mere seconds before I begin my calm respite
by retreating into my dreams.

I fear the moment this dread comes alive,
but not because of the possibility
of never waking up again.

Rather, I fear it
because of the possibility
of waking up
in a world without you.

I woke up today
and I felt
extremely
out of place.

I looked around
and everything was the same,
leading me to believe
that I was out of my mind.

but I knew I wasn't.

I walked around my home slowly,
fingers gliding across the newly painted walls
and clasping onto frozen metal of door handles,
then drumming against the
darkened mahogany of the kitchen table
trying to figure out
what was missing.

What was missing?

I was there,
so that wasn't missing.

My wallet was there,
so that wasn't missing.

My coat was there,
so that wasn't missing.

My car was outside,
so that wasn't missing.

My keys were by the door,
so that wasn't missing.

I looked again.

Your keys weren't there,
so that was missing.

Your car wasn't there,
so that was missing.

Your coat wasn't there,
so that was missing.

Your wallet wasn't there,
so that was missing.

Ah, yes.
That's right.

You.

It was you.

You were missing.

It's funny, because every morning
I wake up feeling
extremely
out of place.

And every morning, I look around
and see that everything is the same,
leading me to believe
that I'm out of my mind.

And every morning, I tell myself
that I'm not.

But I know I am.

Because every morning, I walk around my home,
looking for you.

Even though I know
that you're what's missing.

Maybe I should just
leave some notes around the house
reminding myself
that you're what's missing.

Better yet, maybe I should just
leave some notes around the house
reminding myself
that you're never coming back.

I think about you.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people think about you.

I care about you.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people care about you.

I enjoy spending time with you.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people enjoy spending time with you.

I look forward to interacting with you.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people look forward to interacting with you.

I feel at ease when I talk to you.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people feel at ease when they talk to you.

I find your beauty astonishing.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people find your beauty astonishing.

I think you'll lead a worthwhile life.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people think you'll lead a worthwhile life.

I can't help but feel that your existence is crucial to my own.
That's nothing special, though.
Plenty of people feel that your existence is crucial to their own.

Thus, my affinity for you isn't anything special.
Or, at least, that's what I like to tell myself.
Because that makes dealing with the truth
so much easier.

There's nothing here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes me think to myself.

There's no thought here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes me question reality.

There's no reality here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes me look forward to the future.

There's no future here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes my past seem worth the effort.

There's no effort here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes me believe either side has anything going for it.

There's no belief here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes it all understandable, righteous, reasonable.

There's no reason here
                                                            ­                                          or there
that makes any of this make sense.

There's no wrong,
there's no right,
there's no up,
there's no down.

All there is
is me.
In the middle,
unaffected.

Forgotten in the lust of the moment
His memories dissipate in the warmth of her movements
Her swaying curves encompass his mind
And her heated breaths eradicate his conscience

Her whispers illustrate his inner thoughts as she bares her skin
While his hands ambitiously caress her natural self
Recalling betrayal, his grip on her vices tightly for an instant in time
As she sensually digs her lips and teeth into his neck

The lights dance with feverish passion in their ambivalent escapade
As his memories ignite into a collective blaze of clouded lies
Her voice breaks the atmosphere with a powered summoning of excitement
While the bladed steel in his back pocket speaks to him briefly

Frozen like ice, the edged iron derails his controlled contemplation
Heated like flame, her crimson lips reassuringly invite his aged soul into her dimension of hellfire
Confliction between two halves disperse the balance within his plane of existence
Differing feelings unable to become one

Failure to merge two views of life
Alongside inability to accept separation of what was once whole
Leads to an amalgam of bewilderment and hatred deep inside the darkest corners of deception
The triggered fuse detonates inappropriately with his free hand now attached to the hilt of silver

Shadowed recollections of the others' tears invoke his fury with every stab
Purest inhibitions of hidden urges shatter sustained reality with every slice
Broken trust of ill-fated bonds reverse his mentality with every gush of blood
Tainted sight of misperceived intentions annihilate his reasoning with every anguished scream of her voice

Collapsed, her distorted body lay lifeless and unrecognizable on the carpet floor of the room
Scarlet liquid of distilled life now dripping menacingly from the edges of his manifested insanity
Hazy emotions interrupt his logic as he stumbles away from the scene he attempted to avoid
While erroneously dropping the reddened murderer to the floor with a crash

Volume I – Awakening
In sleep, her thoughts crossed all dimensions steep.
Rested souls collect aged feelings through faith.
Her breaths slowly brought forth life from the deep.
Dreams and nightmares ceased here like a dark wraith.
Uneasiness stirring in her soul's debts.
Darkness clawing, her spirit now unfurled.
Reawakened through plagued, darkened onsets,
She found herself alone in this false world.
Lucidity sparking with thoughts of "Why?"
Contemplation flaring, questioning "What?"
"The first step is the hardest," they did lie,
For trekking this wasteland opened a cut.
Years of confined thought now gone from this zone—
He suddenly grasped her hand with his own.

Volume II – Potential
Burning brightly, lavender eyes scanned her
As her own sight of faded gold quivers.
A solitary voice, ruffled as fur.
"What is your name, child of deathly shivers?"
Her lips trembled with worries of unknown,
"Your presence makes me feel ever unsafe."
Violet irises with doubt renown,
"'Tis you—not I—who should worry right now."
His hand smoothed her hair slowly like a dove.
His tone spears the void sharp—his words dictate,
"Do you know what you are capable of?
The powers you hold will eradicate."
Incessant speeches fearfully incur
The future which he now entrusts to her.

Volume III – Transformation**
He raised his hands which sheathed a lustrous light.
Within his palm—a fragmented stone jewel.
"This amethyst awakens overnight
And will be the catalyst of your rule."
He spoke in calm despite her confusion
As he gave her the shining bright birthstone.
Oh, how it resonated, infusion
With her soul and aura becoming known.
As his stature faded to white, his voice
Flew through the sky, her now lilac eyes bright.
"Intervened, your destiny has no choice—
With my eyes now, spill her blood by dawn's light."
Through the mirror, they meet; pure aria
Of fate now shifts her name—Samathia.

Never-ending trust
Ultimate belief exists
Before my eyes now

The unknown stands here
Your eyes dance with intense awe
And so you wonder

Opposing ideals
Shift forward uncertainly
Reflection shattered

Existence of faith
Trust thyself and no one else
Stand still in this world

Passages of wind
Set foundations of belief
Eternally ours

Overflowing streams
Eradicate all thought lines
Within thyself now

This surge of irrational thought patterns wears down my being
Haunting my mind with nonsensical worries which should mean nothing to me
Enticing my head with vivid illusions and lies of false truths

Malevolent ideas that have no significance in the grand scheme of things
Oscillating my fabric of reality with an uncertain rush of doubts
Rendering what I see as myself to something that is not
Establishing a suspension of disbelief towards everything around me

Yielded necessities clash against that which derails my advancement
Ominous messages from those who care make their way towards me
Underlying statements of advice warn me to stop over-thinking

Thoughts manifest into problems, think nothing of your thoughts themselves
Heed these words, I shall—halt the process of excessive contemplation
Introspection will lead nowhere at this point for these thoughts must stop
Neutral outlooks on the situation are what are needed to rightfully proceed
Knowledge in regards to my own illogical tendencies will be necessary

Alter your mind as a whole to reflect the required change
Breathe with certainty that your thoughts are clear and dignified
Open your view to the world around you and liberate yourself from these closed corridors
Utilize your senses to realize that this chamber of thinking must be abandoned
Traverse new areas to free your mind from these troubled memories

Invert the dimensions in which you reside
Traject yourself onwards—leave this pursued train of thought behind

Traveling forward with this new gusto set about myself, I reflect on times past
Hastily trashing that which bogged me down, the road ahead was cleared of its fog
Extraordinarily so, times became relaxed and easy

Maelstroms of regret and shattered mindsets blockade your head
Overly patient, you wait out this typhoon of ambiguity
Rectify yourself and brave the turbulent winds
Extremes are absolutely nothing to you—you are stronger than this

Diligent minds are those which can surpass even themselves
Inside the realm of thought rests millions of subdivided worlds
Freely explore all of these living experiences by nothing more than your own will
For they are your only true escape from the original thought which distressed you so
Ill-mannered it may be to simply run from the issue by means such as this
Cautiously move on, though, because this may be the only way out
Until you can truly settle yourself to a state of agreement with your soul
Loiter on in this passageway of existences and immerse yourself within it forever
Till the end of time may bring down its scythe

Insidious antiquities may curse you yet
Till you pace yourself and analyze this gateway of all

Gestalt psychology has taught me to look at things as a whole
Edging against my eyesight, the thoughts which I rightfully abandoned attempt to break in once more
Trifling memories which are to never be recalled again claw at the locks
Seclusion from inconsistent beliefs is my course of action as I move to the future

Within this darkened room, the light shines bright.
An empty view crosses my sight shattered.
In these shadows, my eyes pierce this dyed night.
The fizz and dots remain ever scattered.

With clear lack of order, static shifted.
My pupils focused as the screen advanced.
The thoughts that lingered quickly cease, lifted.
Crystal vision synchronized, mind enhanced.

And as the static vibrates with white noise,
my mind transforms inward through solitude.
Requisition of the dark now employed,
the whispers of the moon almost sound shrewd.

They tell me that belief is what's erased.
The template of our connection—displaced.

incorrect
something that should have
never been
incorrect
a being of disillusioned
experiences and truths

inaccurate
proportions and measurements which
define me as a logical fallacy
inaccurate
colors and hues which
do not correspond with my inner being

imprecise
ideas and beliefs spilled onto a canvas
with little to no direction
imprecise
translations of my true self
with no attempt to fix it

mistake
didn't think it through
because I didn't think I had to
mistake
didn't predict the real outcome
because I thought they'd understand

failure
with nothing more than a swift brush stroke
and some applied use of sense of self
failure*
was the only thing I could think of
as I opened my eyes by the burning candle light

Time frozen, eternity's remnant
A kiss unbroken by the threads of fate
A bond unshattered by the weaves of destiny
A moment untouched by the strings of life ethereal

Time frozen, eternity's remnant
Their lips caressing one another so graciously
Their hands interlocked together so uniformly
Their beings resonating as one so perfectly

Time frozen, eternity's remnant
Uncertain future created afterwards through unknown factors
Uncertain future sustained during the unclear present
Uncertain future diminished before they truly became one

Time resumed, eternity's progression
Reality sabotaged by instance of luck
Reality abolished by happening of chance
Reality undone by development of coincidence

Time resumed, eternity's progression
Moved on from childish thoughts
Became more than desired
Left behind as nothing more than a still frame

Time unfrozen, eternity's remnant
Initial beginnings—eager love which knows no bounds

Time resumed, eternity's progression
Followed events—realizations of the truth and awareness of reality

Time collapsed, eternity's absence
Final ending—comprehension that a pause in history cannot define its entirety

The nexus of her soul shines here, beckoning my existence forward.
I answer the call, moving hesitantly.
Yet, I find myself stopping slowly,
Scared of what could occur by my continued movements toward.

The future and our fates intertwined, we guard
Our hearts as we listen so intently,
listening so silently.
To be separate beings, I find too hard.

Running from the past toward.
Running, trying to find me.
Drowning in the ocean of life, the sea.
Leaving, not going forward.

Love never goes back, always forward.

Here we stand in the chamber of our spirits.
Her revival was one that neither of us could predict.
In her mind, the final act of this troubling play finished ages ago.
As her soul was strengthened with precision equal to a lapidary
I reflected on the integration of my thoughts towards her life.
In the next moments, she mizzled away from this realm with no warning.
Yet to my surprise, her aura lingered on like a phantom.
Through a conscious rebirth in the astral plane, I feel her presence now.
For a single instant of time, I see her fading before my very eyes.
By order of the ruthless universe, our destinies remain shattered.

Determined will of life fades tonight
Through all prior existence I find myself at this finality
The end of our road shifts into my sight

A brief moment of reflection transposes our line of thought
Memories built up now fabricate premonitions of abnormality
Determined will of life fades tonight

Time will march on even after attaining the truth which I sought
Departures from our astral sour occur only within your eternity
The end of our road shifts into my sight

Two beings of light in a world of darkness forgot
The omnipotent link between them now locked through neutrality
Determined will of life fades tonight

My mind which was only filled with thoughts of you is now in distraught
As our interactions within these halls turn into nothing more than an insignificant formality
The end of our road shifts into my sight

I can see that my efforts were in vain as you walk away no matter how much I fought
With every step you take I can feel you poisonously draining my vitality
Determined will of life fades tonight
The end of our road shifts into my sight

In love all there is lies tainted belief
Distilled within our thoughts, faith now traversed
In death there stands only refused relief
Become what you truly see as reversed

In love exists a chance to face exile
Processed feelings slowly emerge exposed
In death the truth is found through denial
Eternal foundations remain transposed

In my view your eyes cascade resistance
The love that flows from me to you ignites
A paradox shines through our existence
The death that streams from you to me takes flight

Yet still I find myself hearing your voice
Conviction holds as I accept your choice

A scarlet sky besets the realm around me
Welcoming my existence to the plateau of life which I sought with great determination
Scarlet leaves dexterously fall to the floor with nimble grace
The cries of angelic beings invigorate my ears
I can only see their scarlet eyes as they observe me from the heavens above
And her scarlet hair which was more refined than honored silk itself
Swings in the wind as she faces me with a curious look of inquisition
The wind caresses her scarlet dress causing it to dance with a rhapsody of acceptance
Her gentle aura rivets our actuality as she extends her hand to me
Her dominion is now the reality in which I lie dormant

She danced as if she were an international idol
Her movements performed with nothing short of unparalleled perfection
Her motions executed with the utmost of predetermined significance
With a slowed breath, her eyes opened and cascaded glances with my own
Our gazes interlocked as she smiled with an intense bliss
Her soul flew into the air above with harmonious grace as her feet moved in rhythm
Her body was no longer controlled by her own muscles but by the emotions surging within

Escaping the realms of reality, her being danced ever on
As I could feel my entire presence in this hall becoming captivated by her streaming mobility
The dancer before me had advanced through our dimension into her own state of mind
The music comes to a stop as does she and her mouth maneuvers ever so slightly towards me
Her whispers confirmed all that I needed to know

A bridge of light materializes between our hearts as she flutters on stage
And I can feel the world around us diminishing into nothing as her focus carries on
The realm around me is no more and the only thing within my sight is her
A finale of expected perfection—she slows her feet and opens her eyes with her sight locked on me
Her performance has been finalized and I can hear the crowd roaring with enticement wildly
But the only thing I see in this darkened world is her illustrious being
As she takes my hand with a confirmation of quintessence

Her presence tenses up my mind with darkened chains of uncertainty
Yet, simultaneously, an aura of calming peace radiates from her smile of warmth
Conflicting emotions arise within my subconscious, battling one another fervently
Revealing such feelings could potentially destroy what little we have
Thus, these thoughts remain undecided as I stand divided between confessions and hidden truths