it was real.
i know it was
you felt it, and i did too
at the same time it wasn't

so why does it hurt so much
we never spoke about it
but other people did
and we knew it

was i not good enough
don't tell me it's about a number
that never stopped you before
so why her and not me

and what hurts even more
is i have to pretend to be happy for you
i have to convince myself
'if you love him, let him go'

and i want to, i really do
but there was a time when
i wanted you so bad
and i still do

why you gotta hurt me this way?

honesty. we throw it around like it's nothing
"honestly right..."
"to be honest..."
but do we really know what it's about

no one really knows what others think
of them
about them
everyone just says what the other wants to hear

we hide behind smiles and masks
of love and happiness
of sadness and fear
but there's so much more to that isn't there

your friend who smiles at you
what do they really think?
"they're weird, but i pity them"
"they're such a nice person"

that person who hates you
what do they really think?
"i wish i were like them"
"who do they think they are?"

we've lost the true meaning
of honesty, buried under
thousands of layers
of truth, of thought, of heart

plot twist:
they like you back
they do enjoy texting you
your mind is wrong

i always thought drowning
had to do with bodies of water
water filling your lungs
until you can't breathe

i would've never thought drowning
meant being so empty
that nothing thrives there
and you feel dead inside

i did, and i don't know why

was it because i held on a hope?
a hope that maybe it would be mutual
that even if that day it wasn't
that one day it would be?

was it because it reminded me of you?
to always remember that there's someone
someone out there looking out for me
who actually cared about me?

or was it because i still love you?
even though i said it over
and over and over and over
it's all in the past?

maybe i'm lying to myself
maybe i'm lying to you

this wasn't supposed to happen
i'm not supposed to feel this way
what have you done to me?

but something that everyone says
it's gotten to me and now
i can't get it out of me

now when i see you or hear about you
i can't help but think about you and her
and my heart cracks a little

I can't believe
I actually thought that

You liked talking to me
You liked having me around
You liked me being your friend

I fell for it
I fell for your tricks
I fell for your charm
I fell for you

And I'm an idiot.

im sorry, i dont usually do this
especially not for friends
so it's a little hard, but
i miss you

it's only been a day but i do

i miss the way
  your eyes sparkle in the morning sun
  your eyes meet mine when we talk

i miss the way
  you smell, that's so uniquely you
  your tongue curls when you laugh in your special way

i miss the way
  your hand brushes mine when we walk, and it's okay
  you tease me, joke with me, banter with me

i treasure you, i value you,
you're my friend and i miss you

when you tell people your biggest fear
does that make them easier to conquer
or all the more realistic and impossible

when you tell people your biggest dreams
does that make them more real
or does it only jinx your future

she's slipping
she knows it
and she doesn't know if anyone else does
if anyone else can see it in her eyes

it's not that she's going to
do anything to herself
she has a more passive approach
and that scares her more

what if, one day,
she's on the verge of death
but she doesn't take that one step
that one safe step to safety

what if she lets herself go
not because she took the step of death
but because she didn't save herself
would anyone care?

she tries, she's trying
to pull herself back together
but it's difficult when no one cares
when no one sees, in the very first place

sometimes holidays give you a break
from all the troubles of the physical world
and other times, they just remind you
of how much you don't matter to some people

no matter how
stable
sturdy
stunning
a bridge may be

fires will always come
and burn
burn
burn
them to the ground

all that we've worked for
now in ashes, black soot
covering my fingers
can we rebuild it together?

or will we be trapped on either side
never meeting in the middle
caught at arms length
further than we ever were before

you count the days
                                  no
                                       the hours
till you might get a chance to see him

you know he'll be in the room
so you keep your eyes extra peeled

                                                                                                           there
and now you're yearning, dying
just to speak to him
to see him close up
because that's how much you miss him

you time your routes
maybe, just maybe
he'll be there

and you'll see him, and your eyes
they'll light up like the night sky
and you won't be able to stop yourself from smiling

except, when he looks at you
it's dull, a blank slate
an attempt at a genuine smile perhaps

and then you'll part ways
and your heart
it continues to ache
oh so painfully

**until we meet again

it's the little things that get you

when he answers your sarcasm with more sarcasm
when he continues your senseless banter
when he actually tries to continue your conversation
when you go to sleep with a smile on your face

that's when you know he's got you
in his orbit
under his spell
completely and utterly taken with him
and you know you're *******

A l m o s t
Is that all we are meant to be
To come so far, get so close
Whoever said love is free?
Open your eyes, really look
Look at the way I see you
Like you're all I've ever wanted
I wish to be that for you
Not just an almost

I've touched your hand
And you've touched mine
I've been in your arms
Every single time
We've danced and sung
Laughed and loved
Looked in your eyes, smiled
I'm so much more than an almost
P l e a s e

Familiar places
Unknown faces
Except the one you're next to
The one you love
But you can't have
You couldn't do that
Not to yourself
You want him
So
     So
          Bad
You think about him
You talk to him whenever you can
And you love it when he tells you
I love you
In his mind, it is merely
Platonic
You're walking around
Together
Arms around each other
He brings his head down to you
(He's a whole head taller than you)
Whispers in your ear
And his breath is enough
Chills down your spine
You love it
'You know I love you'
'You're first in my heart'
And you know the significance
Of why you're first
Your best friend is second
Previously first
And that's where it ends
You wake up
And
         everything
d is  a p  p  e a   r   s

i've come to realise something
there comes a time
when after pining over that someone
whether it's because of his looks
or his personality
or the way he talks to you
or the way he makes you feel like home
and despite you feeling all this
        and you've been telling yourself
        no way, i do not like him
he feels nothing
you know that you are nothing to him
and you tire
after pining over him for so long
you realise nothing is over going to happen
so you give up, you feel nothing
is it an emptiness?
or just ignorance?
or is it just the state of extreme emotional fatigue?
doesn't really matter.

Please be different
            I'm begging you
           Down on my knees
Please be different

Please don't use me
            Just for other girls
           To practice talking to your ex
Please don't use me

Please don't ask me
           What girls like or want
           What to give your friends
Please, just don't

Please talk to me
            For who I am
            For being better friends with me
Please talk to me

Please don't ignore me
           Be the one who
           Starts our conversations
Please don't ignore me

Please be my friend
           One of my guy friends
           One of my best friends
Please be my friend

Please love me
           Not asking for a relationship
           Love me as a friend
Please love me

That's all I ask for

Dear March me,

Stop it. He's not worth it. He's going to make your head spin round and round and round and round, but in the end, all you will be is confused. He will make you feel like something special, and you'll love it. But you'll remember, he doesn't want you. He's just using your links, your opinions. He only wants your friends, only compliments you so you are nice to him, only for him to ask for your opinion, nothing about your life or how you're doing, at all. And when one day, you ask him how he is, he will push you away, like you are an ant on his desk, like you are a fly in his way. And then you'll be hurt. So stop it. Keep an open mind to everyone, don't fall so fast. In fact, learn a few tips from him. Make them like you, and see if it's the same. Test all grounds before going too deep, or backing away too fast. Be neutral. That's safest. And safe is the way to go.

August me

Aren't you sick of this game?
Every few weeks, another one
Playing us like we're toys
Broken, bored, next
'I'm thinking of you' he says

What *******, if you want
The attention you deserve
You shouldn't spread yourself out
Neither should you constantly
Switch, change, move

It's stupid and frankly,
You're an fboy in my book
Because of you, my walls are
Up, thank you so very much

And it's not even me you're asking for
You're asking for my opinion
On my friend, who does that?
You, that's who.

Instead of entertaining your
Conversations, I'm switching it up
Don't come back unless you want
To talk to me for me, and not my opinion

You placed her within your jaws
You salivated and chewed
With each bite, you ground her
Smaller smaller smaller
Into fine pieces, into the very elements
She was composed of, then
You devoured her
One swift move, she was
Washed away down your
Long winding throat
But she fed on the acid
You used to burn her
She devoured that and grew
Grew grew, until she climbed
Out of your mouth, broke
Your teeth and she came back
Fighting, for failure is no match
For her.

The moment dreams
Become nightmares
Is when you wake up
And you can't remember
If it really happened
Or if it will ever happen
And you pray and pray
And pray that oh please,
If anything bad were to happen
Let it not be that dream

No one is ever really prepared
We're just more ready
Than we were yesterday

you know what
if you have the nerve
to reply me with
one
word
texts
after 2 weeks of
not texting then
i've got a message:
*****
you

It's odd how we have
No problem saying
I love you
To those we only consider
Strictly just friends
But find it hard to say
I love you
To those we really truly love
And just don't have the courage
To say it

Mechanically scanning her brain
For a sliver of inspiration
Where are you now
Sheltering deep inside?

Making up words and rhymes
Occasionally aesthetically appealing
Something to please the masses
Or maybe just herself

Holds onto the end
Of that thin thread
Cautiously tugs on it
Hoping it leads somewhere

Connecting her brain to her fingers,
The thread weaves a tapestry
Of words, carefully crafted
Bringing satisfaction

You asked me
If I liked your best friend
How would we know
You would end up as mine?

A year since we started talking
You were just another extra
Now you're a fellow protagonist
Even a possible love interest

Sure, we could have
Been something more, but
I enjoy what we had, what we are
Just please don't go away completely

The 4 of us, I want
No, I know
We're going to be together
For a long long time

Maybe friends aren't the ones
Who we spend 200 days with in school

Maybe friends are the ones
Who we still talk to
Despite not seeing each other
For months

And that frightens me

Maybe if I tell myself
I don't need you
Enough times
You will disappear
From my trapped mind

And that will be my down

                                                 fall

I know it
You know it
Our nothing wasn't nothing

She's queueing up for a drink

Warm hands hug her from behind
Diagonally across her front
They feel safe
They feel like home

She grasps the arms
Turns her head
Ever
So
Slightly

Stares into his eyes
They smirk as they move
Closer till their breaths mix
And's light, smooth, nothing
Like she had ever imagined

Oh, it's so much better

Isn't it sad
How some of us
Need others to
Define who exactly we are?

I don't want to say it
I don't want to think it
I don't want to show it

But I do
I love you

For what we use as distractions
Are nothing more than just that
They won't stop a heart's contractions
Or aches when memories of past
Are resurfaced
Instead, they merely graze
The mental wound
Like a pack of hounds
Tearing you to pieces
And your temporary happiness *ceases

And when the lights go out
We are forced to be with
None other than ourselves
Sheer silence tells all
About who we are
Who we were
And who we want to be

As the switch flips
Lights turn on
And sadly, we are nothing
But a blown bulb

The day you see a group picture
And he's there, but you don't get a heart attack
Is the day you can breathe

The day you receive a message from him
And you don't feel like squealing
Is the day you can breathe

The day you don't feel the urge to call him
And tell him you want him so bad it hurts
Is the day you can breathe

**Finally

Get out
Getoutgetoutgetout
You're running through my head
A little birdie told me
You liked me
And I once did
Maybe I still do getoutgetoutgetout
Part of me wants to believe it
Another wants to spare myself
From all the pain
So either stay there
Give me love
Or get out

Not always when things exactly how you'd like
Sometimes just a time
When the most embarrassing things happen
But if you could plan,

You wouldn't have it any other way