foul feelings plague my mind today
like a storm in a teapot
visible to some
but only to those few who dare to look into my eyes
through the frosted window
iced over by my arctic heart

C</3

another broken day
a reminder of how far i am from where i need to be
thoughts of you have become traps littered through my mind
my only victory lies in its dwindling frequency

its effect however never flounders
as the pain in my chest seems only to grow
this journey is getting old and colder
upon every shooting star, I wish for a newly paved road

one that is not just orbiting around the pain of us
where i take solace at every apogee
but one that takes my aching heart
beyond the pull of our broken infinity

curiosity*
the pull to see
builds up , conjures
as my mind is reminded of thee

but strength shall prevail
in this sad, lonely tale
where i force my hand
away from another heartache fail

for the need to know
about your to and fro
dents the progress
that has returned my daily glow

so i'll claim this small vicotry
while preserving my dignity
banishing your feeds
and ignoring your activity

i have revisited the thought of revisiting thoughts of you
for our memories hold nothing
just a vast empty space that your insincerity made
emptying out anything that i held dear from each photo frame

i love the music that played, our soundtrack, so sweet
but the music reverberates far deeper, in my veins and bones
than the meaningless, shallowness and airbrushed harmony
which was a year-long facade and a full-blown emotional felony

the ability to untag, delete, block and look away
has gifted me with the modern miracle of digital amnesia
and if i wanted, i could look back and reminisce
but with such sweet beauties on the horizon, this amnesia is bliss

patience and desire
eyes on the prize
even though it seemed lost
true gold lies deep in the glow of those hazel eyes

a tale that threatened with tears
and the dread of heartfelt slips
veers towards the tessellation of your body
head-to-toe with my lips

overwhelmed by fears of turbo-charged love
and at which stops this train may be calling
yet trepidation is drowned by exhilaration
as this new adventure is dawning

hips on hips and longful gazes
hearts singing unheard notes
your hand in mine, side by side
we sail forth on our choice of cupid's boats

I don't fear the dark
My eyes just adjust to the twinkle of the stars and the rays of the moon

I don't fear heights
The clouds just soar around me, masking the spot on which my feet are found

I don't fear creepy crawlies
My body's design has just deviated from my micro friends, and my skeleton runs within me

My only fear is that I'll never hold you close to me in the dark of the night
That I won't be able take you to the heights of heaven again
Where the world is just a tiny speck to what we, together, have become

we don't exchange too many cute messages anymore
yet i open your contact and look at you often
watching as your profile picture provides a glimpse
into your life and state of mind
seeing when you are online and thinking if you are looking at mine
but the words "typing..." don't appear
neither on my end nor yours
effectively our two lives are behind two different closed doors

The icy winds of dawn dig in their nails
Daylights first break tempered

For the light only scatters along the horizon
But does not yet kiss your skin

As her nails dig in, a familiar pain takes grip
Familiarity is a fickle friend

If progress is measured in wounds healed
Then taking shelter is Apollo

For you see what's in front of your eyes
It's beautiful, and it's coming to you

she's calling me from across the land
across the corridors of stone, rocks and sand
the empty expanse which separates us now
will soon dwindle as we journey to Tankwa Town

the desert can be harsh but maybe she can be tamed
or better put, respected, as she lets you have your way
to stare into her milky eyes, star studded and moon-rising
and hold her close as you whisper "You are truly mesmerising"

and when the sun has set on a week
where i hope only love, respect and care, of we speak
you, my darling, my sandy treat
will have nothing left from me but prints from my feet

a latent feeling that won't go away
you continuously press pause, but it continues to play
clouded by a happiness that shall soon depart
merely a thin veil burnt by the pain in your heart
parts of it are transient, others never decay
in a perpetual loop of hollow dismay

i find myself following our old footsteps
almost subconsciously
letting memories make decisions
leading the way through lingering thoughts of you

while they may be seemingly mundane
they are increasingly significant
for it is not just a choice to order miso soup
or to venture down the scenic route
to our old curry house
where the spice would bring tears to my eyes
a prelude to the damp ducts that were soon to follow

now that the streams have dried up off my face
i take joy in the journeys in which i place my stride beside your fading footsteps
painting our memories in the vivid colours of yesteryear
as opposed to tainting them with the disjoint of yesterday

i will continue to do all the things that we did, albeit alone
for it is now as much part of me
as the bones that support me
and the heart that pumps my blood
slightly aching when a thought of you lingers slightly
but an ache diminishing with each passing day

you changed me,
you probably didn't even realise it
as you were papering the cracks in the fibre of my being
allowing me to grow as a person, a partner, a lover

so i will ride my bike down the mountains from which our love fell
down the steep cliff faces from which it never recovered
and i will mimic the thoughts in my head
through words on the cloud, as you did
sharing
caring
remembering
not least you
and the way we were
in one of the best times of my life

The pain was too hard to take and I lost my way
For the only outcome I want, that I ever wanted, is the refurbishment of the foundations of our relationship
A renovation of our house of love
Where the sun shines in every morning and warms our souls as they are intertwined
And the walls don't give in after the inevitable first rains of tomorrow's tears
Instead, after every rainfall, we re-secure the foundations together
Finding the cracks in the walls, floors and doors and filling it with the glue of our bond
I want this house more than any other
I just hope the foundations don't fall while I'm stuck below
Trying to repair the damage that I allowed to set in
Because I had no clue what I was doing

overwhelming you would be great
if it didn't elongate
your feelings of trepidation
to this wonderful sensation
that i feel that we create

after the last autumnal rainfall has washed away
the remnants of the hurtful summer past
and with it, any residual feelings of want or desire for you
this gloriously mixed with the diversion of my eyes
and recalibration of my heart's attention
i'm still left with this feeling of resentment
and betrayal at your hands
which once knotted so seamlessly in mine

it is from this deeply ingrained feeling
that i know with crestfallen certainty
that i will never call you a friend
no, but you will merely be faintly etched in my memory
as a blemish, a person that i trusted
only to have that trust forged into a dagger
and relief that i did not give you any more of myself
with which you could sharpen it

it is from this realisation that i am forced 
to redefine the trough of this wave called love
highlighting the lowest depths of emotional exploitation
where you expose yourself, bearing your chest open
to another, so that they can have your heart in its entirety
but you encounter the true nature of another's character

a character that you may have only seen glimpses of, if anything
but one that will form their final portrait
in that dark unvisited corner of your mind
for as long as your memory will care to retain it
for the only beauty in betrayal is the subsequent clarity that it entails

Your outstretched arm
And kind eyes
Draw me in
Not back to a place of love
But instead to your construction of pain
And hurt
And blame
Where it's apparent that the olive branch
Held between your fingertips
Is twined with barb
In my bleeding palm

a chunk of time that i can't reminisce
for it takes me back to that precipice
a trapeze act without a net
a balance born between hope and regret

the truth of the matter, the one you can't conceal
an empty mind may wander and reel
so in time i hope, sans focus
my mind only wanders along a positive locus

you have no right to my heart
nor my mind
nor my memories
you are dead to me
as dead as the lifeless rock underneath my foot
a mere stepping stone

your actions speak louder than your words
your words which won't resonate anymore for i am tuned to a different frequency
you may said you loved me and that i was your best friend
but your betrayal is the singularity that will survive in our history

i will deflect any broadcast, any call or plea
across oceans and space
through weather cells and asteroid belts
banishing it from my orbit
the space around me that serves as my protective barrier
preserving who i am, despite your deep desire to dent that

the distinct lack of brevity in my naivety has brought me here
but now i am emotionally stronger, i feel the strength in my heart
where once the thought of you would be like a poisoned dart
imparting a paralysis of body and soul

today though, and for ever more, my heart is impenetrable to your cardiac sorcery
for the key to my emotions is hidden from you, untouchable
as your attempts to emotionally infiltrate me turns my blood into tar
and to you, my heart merely becomes a heart-shaped avatar

the future is bright past the darkness of this night
one where i looked for stars at my feet and my next step behind me
where i cursed the moon for the light it shed that showed me that which i wasn't prepared to see
the sentiment in my head has been carried for far too long
i am not an *** that drags your burden across this sentimental desert
looking for an oasis which is only surrounded by hemlock and pools of brine

i will remove these shackles and chains and venture forth
enjoying those around me
instead of this glorified ghost in my head
instead of glorification, perhaps it is the time for a dash of damnation
that may be the key ingredient here to cook up an emotional sensation

my mind stirs
as the sun rises and my dreams set
forgetting the unicorns and fairies
instead reminiscent with yesterday's regret

i set sail down the slaloming road
another day, that daily grind
where each bend is an opportunity
to map the mess which is my mangled mind

placing the ifs, buts and maybes
with the whats, hows and whys
where the tears drip off the steering wheel
and into my drowning thighs

my mind is clouded now
tainted with disdain
i don't remember anything
except a construct of pain

it is in this lonely place
between A and B
where i have no strength to conquer
the perpetual melancholy

the sand pours out my cracked hourglass
and into your cupped palms
claiming time you don't deserve
time better spent anywhere but here

how long must i waste my hours on thoughts of you
letting the water drip from my flask
as i try to savour each drop
in this emotional desert

the longer i let these wasteful thoughts linger
the less chance of finding my oasis
where the palm trees fan me in its shadow
and i drink from the reservoir of reignition

its a good thing that i don't write too many happy writes
because sadness and heartache come back post respite
as your heart is led to pretend to heal
it hits back as it goes for the ****
but i'm tougher now and sure as hell stronger
uncompromising, i will not let the pain linger any longer
take it on the chin, not your kiss or your face
instead the follow through from the heartfelt strike of a mace

two souls that swim in the same dusty bowl
may miss each as they toil and roll
in a sandy and rocky desert wonderland
where mutants are djs at a soon burning jam

but i would find you at a temple which stood proud and tall throughout
before we lay in a pyramid peak while moon and stars had a luminous bout
funk and our own embrace added little charms
to the trinkets of journey littered in our ***** desert palms

as we wandered and lay across the desolate expanse
it was clear that tankwa town had sparked a dry-lipped romance
overwhelming sensations from beginning to end
tipped off by the thousand kisses that your lips did so perfectly lend

when the sun rises and my thoughts stir
its not of past daggers nor stolen memories that arise
but its your liberating hazel eyes
accompanied by your adorable moans and endearing sighs

you raised my spirits and elevated my soul
as you rose like vapor from the dew on the ground
and as you first deflected that single follicle on the tip of my nasal path
i sensed that you and i had not merely met by chance

and as i breathed you in and your phase changed
you had entered a part of me that had been abandoned
then you condensed as our souls collided
and you and i were no longer divided

wake up
look outside
the sun has risen and so have you
your mind has wandered
and returned to where you let it lie
but it can return to that world
where boundaries were undefined
and you struggled to touch sides
for there were none, neither allegiances
just a vast empty world of promise
where a cheshire cat plays with string hanging off olympus mons
and you play twister in nebulae with the gods

i constantly think about your well-being
where you are, with whom you are sharing your time
not your romantic companions
but just your companionship

its ******* that i care
you never cared about my feelings
your actions have shouted that in decibels
but i can't shake my desire to care for you

i hate myself for this
because there is nothing i can do
or that i should do
my heart aches again, this time for futility
stupidity
and the inability to love myself more than you

at one moment you are lying on that heated floor
with a person you feel your affections grow
next moment, a figure from far appears
and you have become seemingly disposable

you are not owed an explanation
at why the plans have suddenly changed
new love, fresh air and reinvigorated spirit
seemingly do not extinguish an old flame

perhaps, in fact, it has fanned it to grow
and while the smoke and falling walls crumble
from a house of love that was not even yet plastered
its another painful blow and an even more hurtful tumble

like a flash of lightning striking a proud and strong tree
smiting it at its core
relinquishing it of its sturdy base and graceful posture
reducing it to a mere slump on the floor

how does one pull themselves together
when it feels as if their chest has exploded
a ***** trapped door in your mind
imploring you to try reminisce, memories reloaded

you have been robbed of such luxuries

reminisce at your own peril
pass that stairwell where your passions knew no bounds
enter the room where your fruit of love first blossomed
there is no joy, just a dark tunnel and empty sounds

blindly, try feel your way out
you feel every memory on that cold wall
slicing your hand on the shards of your broken love
streams of blood to match those streams from your face to the floor

but wounds heal
scabs form and the bleeding will end
but what about the wounds within
does a shattered heart ever truly mend