I found out just now
One fourth of my poems here
Are all haikus. Cool.

Tricksy, you are—false—
We hates it, yes we hates it,
Hates it forever!

There's too much in me
To let it all out on you
And besides, you say,
You're not that important now
It shouldn't matter to you.

Be the one who loves,
And be someone more than you;
You know there is more—
Life lives off of ones like you,
Ones who give more than they have.

Heaven and hell
Aren't as far
As you are from me.

That's how I feel about us
When I haven't met you yet
And you're a mystery to a troubled mind.

A black hole is more unknown
Than you are to me
Because I haven't even seen your face.

Maybe if these dreams would be consistent
I'd think God was giving me a hint
But not even your haircolor is the same.

I want to believe that you are alive somewhere
Walking this earth, thinking of me
But my imagination ***** when it comes to you.

There's fear, hesitation, and anxious expectation
For the day I see you
I'm already suffering from your love's sickness.

If you are anything like what I want
I won't want that--
Only what God wants for me could be anything near perfect.

Take away distraction
Remove all the fear and lies
And perhaps I'll see
The person deep inside me
Who has always been right there.

run...
fly...
jump...
swim through the sky

dreaming of flight
wanting to escape
finding my wings
seamless shapes

limitless reach
stretch above my head
galactic needle
pulling infinite thread

field of pyramids
I'm twenty feet tall
stumbling to find
the end of it all

the house I knew
twisted somehow
and all the rooms
are locked away now

the college campus
that I once roamed
with elevators broken
construction postponed

looking through the floor
glass beneath my shoes
wearing a skirt
afraid of the view

someone I've never met
capturing my heart
sweeping me off my feet
are they real or not?

the roots of any dream
might never be found
but none of them are real
no matter how profound.

Toting around his portable sounds
A big 'ole bus with Diverse City
Tonight he's got his eye on it
With his rap rhyming witty.

You never realize
How many great friends you have
Until you're lonely.

What is wrong with me
When my eyes are going blind
'Cause you're all I see?

There is a certain apathy
That arrives at two AM;
I don't care what tomorrow is
I just want some REM.

Running out of time
I just can't get it all done
Taking far too long
I'll be behind soon enough
But it will be a danger.

My poems don't have titles
But who likes reading "Unnamed"?
If they were all called "Untitled"
Then they would all look the same!

Titles are so boring
I wish I could paint for each one
A portrait of the image
The poem reminds me of.

If I was better at naming
Then maybe they'd have better names
But as far as I can see
I could as easily call this one "James"

I have a dream
Of a world where names aren't needed
But that won't happen now
Unless I barge on unheeded

I feel very random
Because "Let It Go"'s stuck in my head
It's driving me crazy
I'd rather sing "Let It Burn" by RED

This is me on chai tea
This is me when I've had a long day
I don't care what anyone thinks
I don't care what anyone'll say

I'm really going to do it
I'll write a poem with no name
Maybe it'll be glorious
And maybe it'll be lame.

But whatever happens to it
I think I'll go back to before
When poems and books had names
And titles were nothing more.

I don't want to lie to you,
So don't think that you're horrible—
But I just think I'm not in a place
Where I know what love is anymore.

I don't want to lie to you,
But I also don't want to say
That I miss having someone to call mine,
'Cause I'd regret it every day.

I don't want to lie to you,
But you probably should know:
I do have a few feelings for you,
But I'm scared to let them grow.

Tempted to get up
Even though it's only six
I'm ready to go
And I think that it is time
Yes, I think that it is time.

You use such big words
I wonder how you *speak.

They haven't had an Asian
In my favourite TV show
If the next companion's ginge, then
I'll **** Vincent van Gogh.

I am dying inside;
I have this secret longing
That smiles cannot hide.
     I am trying to stand;
     I have such a weight upon me,
     It's getting out of hand.

I just want to breathe;
It's enough that my lungs are burning,
I can't unclench my teeth.
     I just wish I knew;
     It's so difficult to understand
     And always believe in you.


Where did you go?
    And who have you become?
    They ask me constantly.
Where did she go?
    I feel that I've grown numb,
    A pale catastrophe.

But where should I go?
    And who will be my one?
    No one cares for me.
I know it's not so,
    But no one has come
    I'm waiting impatiently.


Give me a chance and let me change
    Surely you don't want me!
I am as imperfect as imperfect comes--
    Surely you don't want to see.

Just give me a day, a week, a month,
    I'll show you who I can be;
I'll be better than I ever was,
    My old self? Who is she?


    Goodbye, fair world
Of lost hopes and lost dreams;
    I know we'll never meet again,
Unless I burst at the seams.

    Farewell to all I knew before,
I'm not the girl I seem;
    Just let me go and leave me be.
Let this all be a dream.

Last night I stayed up,
Thinking I'd be fine today:
I was out of it.

I will always be too deep to see
Too strong to be contained
My soul will always soar above
Where all others feel restrained.

I will never see the shores of reality
I may never feel a calm breeze
I can never be the shallow breath
That mortals like to breathe.

I'm not sure if it's allergies,
Or maybe anxiety;
But burning tears come to my eyes,
And I deal with them quietly.

I always forget to take a breath—
Whether it's stolen away,
Or whether it catches in my throat,
Because there's nothing I can say.

A cold lump moved into my stomach—
It hasn't moved for weeks;
And the nausea that comes upon me
Drains the color from my cheeks.

Icicles of panic stab
My raw and tender conscience;
The voices inside my head keep screaming,
"No!" And I have to constantly fight this.

I can't sit still and just take this
I shudder, shiver and shake
I feel exposed and yet alone
How much more can I take?

What is wrong with this body?
And all the emotions inside?
If I could, I'd run to the mountains
To find a place to hide.

Surrounded by friends I think I know,
But who've never known me
I tell myself that that's a lie
I tell myself I'm not lonely.

If I once feel right again
If this throbbing in my head can cease
I'll take that as a sign from above
And soak in every second of peace.

I woke up on the couch again.
I've been sleeping there each night that he's out of town without cell signal.
Not that he even lives with me.
But sleeping in my own bed still feels lonely if there aren't texts from him to look forward to.
No matter how many new friends I make, I can't fill the empty spot.
And it's okay.
"Distance" makes the heart grow "fonder", but all I can hope is that it'll make the heart grow.
So much on our minds.
Choices to make and places to go and work to be done.
And the desire to just drop it all for a week and be together is always there.
Patience, I say, there will be a week for that.
So I will wait.
As much as it hurts for the present, it's worth it.

I got up off the couch once I'd written him a good morning text.
I was playing some of my old music and getting lost in the atmospheric melodies, and just pouring water into the coffee machine instead of waiting for the Brita pitcher to filter it, and then use that, was my method for breaking through the anxiety barrier today.
From there, coffee was followed by a desire for food (because coffee alone is just asking for a stomachache) so I thought of my pancake mix.
Here goes. I'm not measuring this out, my measuring cups are all in the ***** dishes pile. I've washed a bunch of glasses and this one will fit enough pancake batter for two or three small flapjacks.
Here I go.

Every time I pray
For you, I thank God so much
For our strong friendship.

Spectacular is not me
And I may not be “just brilliant”
But in the end, what matters
Is His grace is sufficient.

This pounding silence in my head
The comfort slicing in my soul
The mindless beat keeps pulsing time
Glowing inside, my inner coal

Dead to the core, but moving still
It is my nemesis
I’ll push onward until I find
The answer to this

Inside my mind, you would get lost
The pines and rivers are covered in smog
Something lures you closer, though
This journey’s turned into slog

I drag my feet when I think of how
It chokes me though I know it not
If I don’t think and let it go
It’ll consume my very heart

Who am I anymore, I really do not know
If you ever find me, bring me back
Take the strings of my shattered heart
I know in the end it isn’t black

There may be hope for you, dear
If you don’t let them take you
So when you hear the siren’s call
That’s when the tide pulls through

I’m here watching, just to say
‘I told you so’ as soon as you fall
I wish I had the strength to fight
But they’re taking my strength, my all

If it isn’t too much to ask, I’d beg
Stay away from me
The longer you watch and soak it in
The harder you’ll have at forgetting.

Sometimes you're so deep
That no one could possibly
Understand or know.

Van Gogh was outcast
I don't care if I'm unknown
I still love myself.

Mwuahahaha, this is a ten-word
And there's four left.

You've tried a hundred times, I know,
But don't give up what you've begun;
It may be that what you seek will succeed
In try number a hundred and one.

Diving deep into the blue
There’s shadows enough for all
Take the cue from the setting sun
Hide when the curtain falls

No one lives inside these waters
Where nothing stirs or wakes
Your soul will never worry
When your life it slyly takes

Sink into the depression
That the boulder made in sand
Where once lay masked intruders
That stole the life you planned

Your mind has less to wonder
When you let your life be taken
Led helpless to the slaughter
When will your cold heart waken?

It’s easier to float beneath
The water lukewarm and bland
If you learned what you’re missing
You’d fly onto dry land

But lying here is easy
It’s effortless, it’s true
So why not stay a couple days
In the thoughtless ocean blue.

If I were to be a day,
It would be overcast
And I'm not even sure that light
Would come, or ever last. 

If I were to be a breath,
I would be shallow
Hard to take, hard to keep
From a chest too hollow. 

If I were to be a heart,
I would be almost whole
Except for the time I let it sit out
And you pinpricked a hole. 

If I were to be a house,
I'd have an iron-bound door
Nothing would enter without my say
And I wouldn't go out anymore. 

If I were to be a song,
You'd never hear my words
They'd be in a language you don't know
The language of hurt.

God, are you there?

Can you hear my call?

God, do you care?

Do you care at all?


I know You said You'd always be

The guiding light in front of me

But lately, I've been flying blind

Too scared to even look behind


God, do you see me here?

Can you feel my need?

God, are you ever near?

You're never close, it seems.


God, I know you said you'd be

Always here right next to me

But I am human, this I know

My infant faith, it just slowly grows.


God, if you're there

Can you keep me safe?

And God, if you care

Can you ease my daily pain?

Anxiety, fear,
And doubt that I could be one
You'd listen to now.

It isn't the long nights that I dread
It's the short ones where I lie in bed
Trying to get thoughts out of my head
Wishing I had more time to rest

Long nights of staying awake to talk
Nights of finding new ways to stalk
Going out in the moonlight to walk
Laughing and crying, those nights are best

Saying someday we'll do these things
Talk of names and talk of rings
Overwhelmed tears just one look brings
When all the emotion wells up in my chest

What matters is not what we do
Or where we go, whatever the view
The best part is just being with you
Delightfully oblivious to all of the rest

However the day comes to an end
Whatever time we've spent with friends
Even if messages won't send
Knowing you're there loving me is best.

I said I wanted to go to bed
And the truth is, I did not lie
The only problem was that it
Was extremely hard to try.

Whoever I am
Whatever makes up the me
It's a mystery
That only One knows for sure
Someday, I will know myself.

Should I drive you from my mind?
Shall I stop my heart?
Or are you even close to me?
Do you play a special part?

I forget to think of you
When I am alone,
And I can't say I like to say
Our names in a loving tone.

I admire you, I know that,
But are you in my soul?
Have I even written your name?
Or imagined us on a stroll?

In fact, am I infatuated?
Or do I fancy it
So that my heart longs to feel,
And yet, it doesn't?

I don't know what I'd do
If you suddenly loved me,
And I don't know what I'd say
If your eyes began to see.

Perhaps my heart's run out of love--
Perhaps I am a yawn:
Too tired to think romantic things
And to friendship go beyond.

Finally, I have defeated
A meaningless urge:
The wish to be your only one,
Under tiredness submerged.

Too much in my head
Voices, songs, condemnation
There's no room for you.

Apples.












-my brother

I want to scream


I want to melt


I want to *****


I want to breathe


I want to survive


I want to sleep


I want to dream


I want to be more than I have been the past few days


I want to eat right and sleep right and exercise


I want to start being able to think enough to write things that rhyme


I want to stop saying "I want" all the time


I'm sad.

All alone in a big room
I could let my voice travel all the way to you
Wish I had the key
To open the door to eternity
And see
If you're next to me
Any way it goes,
I know it's hardly anything I could hope.

There was a whisper on the wind
And a tune was in the air
The lights and shadows danced
With moonlight everywhere
 
So he took me by the hand
And he whispered in my ear
The world was listening in
But it was nothing they could hear
 
While the moon lit up the night
And the stars shone from the skies
The song began inside him
When he looked into my eyes
 
My heart sang in harmony
And danced along the tune
The song had taken shape
And we danced beneath the moon
 
The stars fell from the bright sky
And the moon told us farewell
The sun was late in coming
But we really couldn't tell
 
His heart was beating with mine
And my soul shouted out
The smile upon his face then
That is what love's about
 
I can't say how the rest went
And if I missed one part
The reason lies in blurry lines
That flow out from my heart
 
So if the night had ended
I cannot rightly say
If he and I dissolved there
Or remained there to this day
 
So when we see the moonlight
And his heart starts to sing
The night will soon forget us
As we dance, king and queen.

Agh, get out of bed
You stupid girl, you'll be late
And you need a bath.

You sometimes don't know
Just what you feel for someone
Until they're not there.

One-hundred fifty
Is a reasonable count
Of haikus, I guess.