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Mar 2021 · 633
Tonight’s Tomorrow
Alice Baker Mar 2021
Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
By intrusive memories,
And your mind is muddled
With self doubt and destruction.
Vices beckon
Like skeletons dressed as old friends
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

Sweet girl,
You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Do not repave them.
Remember all the times like these?
Consumed by darkness that
Eclipses the sun itself.
How many times have you crawled out
Of the trenches?

My darling dear,
Do not doubt your resilience.
We both know that
Tomorrow will come
And while I cannot promise it
Will be brighter,
It will still be new.
Today I logged on for the first time in nearly 3 years. I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time lately, and I stumbled across a piece I wrote in 2016 titled “Something New” I’m so grateful I did, as it brought on the motivation to write again for the first time in what feels like forever.

This is the revised version, 5 years later. I made it a new post because I feel I am a different person today, and I wanted to have a record of my progress.

Thank you for reading, here’s the link to the original:
Jul 2018 · 556
Where are you?
Alice Baker Jul 2018
Is it weird that I still think of you?

Its been nearly 3 years since we last spoke.

I only knew you for 1 year and 2 months.

But, when I think of everything we went through.

When I think of all the lessons we both learned, how hard so many of them were, how long it took to heal from them...

It’s hard not to wonder if you think of me too.

I don’t miss you anymore, I havent for a long time.

But I wonder.
Heres to an ex i will never speak to, and will always care about. Im sorry we crashed and burned the way we did.
Jul 2018 · 375
Small lie
Alice Baker Jul 2018
I’m not:

Knotted and gnarly
Alive, regretfully
The biggest lie I’ve ever told
Jul 2018 · 628
Alice Baker Jul 2018
I’ve hit a point where crashing no longer gives me whiplash.

Collapsing is normal, bruises are common.

I got lost alone in the woods at 3 am and prayed I wouldn't find my way back,

I’ve been swinging on the ropes a little too long.  My arms are tired.

24 years. 24 years. 24 years.
Dec 2017 · 552
Alice Baker Dec 2017
I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.
9 words that summarize my experience with my mind
Mar 2017 · 1.1k
Soft Eyes
Alice Baker Mar 2017
Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.
I met a stranger, and it was like meeting home.
Dec 2016 · 850
Sincerely, Still Alive
Alice Baker Dec 2016
I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Still alive
Nov 2016 · 402
Alice Baker Nov 2016
I find you in hidden places
Woven inside me
Like the stitches of a quilt
I am not whole without your memory
Incomplete with what you left
I have built myself around your absence
But you remain.
Oct 2016 · 664
2 am
Alice Baker Oct 2016
Cover me in chamomile kisses
And lukewarm lullabies
I'll dance in the haze of your eyes
I've cently discovered that chamomile solves most of my problems. Guess I'm late to the party
Jul 2016 · 463
Alice Baker Jul 2016
Earth to self,
You are not okay.
Please seek help.
Jul 2016 · 536
Alice Baker Jul 2016
Breathe deeply, stand tall,
For gravity only pulls
When you come back down to earth.
Sorry I've been gone for so long, I'be hit a bit of a word wall and I can't bring myself to write.
May 2016 · 732
Alice Baker May 2016
I am no longer the person I believed myself
To be
I'm not sure I ever was
I keep finding myself in
Unfamiliar spaces
But the strangest place
Is me.
Yeah I don't know who I am or where I'm going
May 2016 · 647
Summer Songs
Alice Baker May 2016
Midnight rolls in like a shadow,
Sweet and dark

My eyes are wide,
Thoughts are loud

Sometimes I forget I enjoy sleep
I stay up to hear the night songs

They remind me of
Your warmth

I play your voice over the sound
Of crickets chirping

It is a melody
I cannot forget
Missing him a lot right now
May 2016 · 697
Alice Baker May 2016
The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
Hum de dum
May 2016 · 1.7k
Alice Baker May 2016
I slipped up on the word hello
You choked up on goodbye

Our hands lingered but never met
Our minds brushed but never touched

I saw the way your eyes bled
When I said no

You saw the way my soul shook
When you asked

They called you desperate
I called us separate
That friend who doesn't want to be a friend
May 2016 · 6.9k
An Autobiography
Alice Baker May 2016
I arrived
I tried
I cried

Lol I think I'm clever
May 2016 · 795
Alice Baker May 2016
Sudden suffocation and relapsed restrictions, we colored ourselves in silver sets and party dresses.

Half hearted laughter amid animosity hidden by sly smiles and fragile friendships. Our wicked world was perfectly painted in shades of doubt.
Sometimes I ***** words
Apr 2016 · 345
Bird Songs
Alice Baker Apr 2016
I wrote about how the birds still sang
The morning you left me
And the trees were still green
I wrote about how the world doesn't stop
Even when mine is crumbling
But you know, life has never slowed down
Apr 2016 · 1.0k
Alice Baker Apr 2016
I wish I could put into words
The way I still reach for you
In my sleep
******* 7 months later and I'm still just a cliche
Apr 2016 · 549
Alice Baker Apr 2016
Apr 2016 · 451
Alice Baker Apr 2016
Small is five letters
I fit myself into
Small is the bending of my back
To fit your image
Small is the narrow of my waist
To please you
Small is the attention I take
While speaking
Small is my virtue
While being hollered to
Small is the 30 cents
Missing from my wages

Small are the girls
Plastered on the television
Small are the roles
We see ourselves in
Small is the credit
We never receive.

And we wonder why our girls

I beg you

Ask them to grow.
Mar 2016 · 475
Alice Baker Mar 2016
Let me be naïve again
Let me fall into the practice
Of not knowing better
I want to forget
About all the ways a soul
Can shatter
I want to be whole again
Not pieced together
Mar 2016 · 787
Alice Baker Mar 2016
Sometimes the trees sing our song
Whispering through the budding branches
They mourn our loss
And then they bloom.
blah blah blah words
Feb 2016 · 1.9k
Something New
Alice Baker Feb 2016
Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
With memories and dreams
And your soul is heavy
With self doubt and destruction.
Your hangs heavy
With thoughts of disgust
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

But hey

You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Please, Do not repave them.
Remember all the nights like these?
Your lonely tears will wash away.
And while I cannot promise you that tomorrow
Will be better
But it will be new.
Every path we make
Will diverge into unknown territory
And I promise
You will smile
Feb 2016 · 679
Alice Baker Feb 2016
Six whole months
And I'm still broken
The scars you have left
Stain my heart
You have left me
Terrified of
Human connection
Was this pain
Worth it?
Feb 2016 · 783
Please Be Okay
Alice Baker Feb 2016
I hope you miss me
The way I miss you

But I also hope you don't
Because I am miserable
And you deserve more
This is silly but I don't care sorry
Feb 2016 · 517
Alice Baker Feb 2016
I am scared
I want you to know
How the mirror makes me shake

I cannot get out of bed
Yet I cannot sleep


You won't understand
I won't let you

This is private
You don't get to see

I've made that mistake
Too many times
I suffer alone
My smile is forged
From the belief that

I can do this
And just maybe
You'll believe it
I don't have anyone close to me because I've scared them all away.
Feb 2016 · 1.2k
High Heels
Alice Baker Feb 2016
Tell me again how to fit
Into the gaps of society
Designated for a woman.
Tell me all the ways my words
Are less my own
Than they are a man's
Tell me how my body will always be
The cup in my hand
An excuse.
Remind me of all the ways
Today will never be my day.
Jan 2016 · 17.7k
Oil Paints
Alice Baker Jan 2016
I am a canvas
Painted in harsh strokes
With kind words
Mistakes blend in
Over time and diligence
But are never erased
They sit quietly
Under layers of oil paint
Built into my foundation
Jan 2016 · 1.1k
Alice Baker Jan 2016
A skid, a screech
A moment veering
More skidding
More screeching
A loud **** to the left
a desperate plea for right
I am ******
Why am I ******?
My mind
Where is my mind?
Totalled my car this week.
Jan 2016 · 818
Pretty Lies
Alice Baker Jan 2016
He said he finds it odd,
That such pretty eyes could shed
So many tears.

I told him I find it strange,
That he found these stained eyes
Jan 2016 · 404
Alice Baker Jan 2016
It starts like a sliver
A small fragment of someone else's being
Slips into my skin
Sticking within the shallow foundation
A surface connection
Skin deep until left untreated
Allowed to seep
Building roots into my blood
Before long the wound has grown
Oozing and hot to the touch
It starts to invade
Inching its way to my core
My heart, my lungs
Now stained with its name
I breathe shallow breaths of clean air
Trying to cleanse my soul
I will heal
But scars remain.
A forced change my soul accepted.
Jan 2016 · 625
Alice Baker Jan 2016
I fold myself into a billion pieces
So that they will not see the gaps
That pierce my soul
I am an eclipsed moon
On a cloudy night
Alice Baker Jan 2016
do you ever mess up something super duper minor and no one else thinks it an issue and you see that but on the inside you just feel like collapsing and crying and folding into little pieces of human origami because god it would be wonderful to be anything but yourself?
Dec 2015 · 752
Alice Baker Dec 2015
I just want another chance
To grow up
My mind is stirring with the
False hopes of childhood
My pockets are empty
And my soul is tired
They say I still have far to go
But how much further can it be?
I keep slipping on the same slopes
Don't give me lectures
Give me peace
Dec 2015 · 637
You Didnt Even Say Goodbye
Alice Baker Dec 2015
Did you really mean it?
When you said we'd never speak again?
I don't know if I want
To hear your side
But I definitely want
To hear your voice
This probably comes off the wrong way but whatever
Dec 2015 · 898
The Boogie Man
Alice Baker Dec 2015
Today I saw my ******
He was with his family
A little girl rode on his shoulders
I watched him laugh with them
As my insides boiled
And I collapsed
Amongst a crowded atrium.

I've seen him in passing before
But never like this
Never before had he looked more human
Than monster
Idk sorry it was a horrible day and this is not good work at all but I just ugh
Dec 2015 · 689
Glass Dolls
Alice Baker Dec 2015
Bend me down and out and over
I will smile as I wither
You can not shatter someone
Who loves being broken
Dec 2015 · 589
Sugar Crush
Alice Baker Dec 2015
I'm not sweet but I'm covered in sugar
Lemon drop lies iced with ivory thighs
Milky skin and honey hair
Fools are made of love and lust
I can't sleep tonight and my brain is churning out some weird stuff so sorry not sorry welcome to my mild madness

Also really feeling alliteration tonight
Dec 2015 · 1.9k
Alice Baker Dec 2015
Love is a silhouette
And she dances on my shoulder
Stability is a shadow
And he likes to play a game
Insanity is a ghost
I'll never see him tamed.
Dec 2015 · 687
Alice Baker Dec 2015
I can't breathe the air
Between your fingertips
It slips like words
Through clenched teeth
You say my voice shakes
When I'm angry
Well yours
It shrinks
And yet we wonder
Why our voices don't carry
We are deaf
To our own demise
Dec 2015 · 881
Alice Baker Dec 2015
Two months and seventeen days
Since I last heard your voice.
Though it plays daily in my head.
Your face still vivid
As I sit on the porch
Marlboro in hand
My head hazy
With your touch

My mind has stirred
With hatred and longing
Sadness and anger
Love and confusion
And through all this
I cannot stop replaying
Oct 2015 · 602
No has never meant not yet
Alice Baker Oct 2015
I don't think it's right that I get uncomfortable with the thought of meeting a man because of what I fear is expected of me. Even more so the fact that more often than not, I am right, and I have to pry myself away from their wandering hands and expectant lips. They always try for more, even after being told no. They make lame *** excuses to touch my ***. Because in our culture, no doesn't mean stop, it means not yet.

No means no, and I don't want to hear about how they feel they are being made to be the villain. I don't want to fear the implications of standing up for myself, if they get upset or overly defensive. I shouldn't have to justify my choice to keep my clothing on. This is not me playing hard to get, I just want them to respect the boundaries that I have placed.

I've never been overtly ******, I've never been the type to go further than a kiss on the first date. Netflix and chill, means popcorn and cuddling, not hands flying under blankets. For me, no means no. It doesn't mean not yet, it doesn't mean that with a few more drinks I'll be good to go.

It shouldn't be this way, women shouldn't have to defend the meaning of no. There shouldn't be the fear of expectations. We shouldn't have to worry about how a man will react when we ask for respect.
This is just me ranting on my experiences. It's more of a reflection than a poem.
Oct 2015 · 684
Dead Weight Prescriptions
Alice Baker Oct 2015
How dare I say I loved you
How could I?
I was broken, bent, weighed down
By my mere existence.

You picked me up
And I held on.

I was too busy being lifted
To see your breaking shoulders
You became my hope
And you began to lose your own

I never learned your dreams
Not in depth anyway
I was too busy with my sadness
That you tried to take away

I wish I would've asked to see
The talents in your grasp
The music you made
The world's you created

But I was a flooded river
And you were the shore
It's hard to say
Who swept up who

I wore you thin
How long can a man carry
A dead weight
And expect to be strong?

You began to pull away
And you began to slip up
You found solace in a familiar dance

Unprescribed yet medicated
Dosed with doubt
And lack of love

And me?
I still needed you
I still expected you.

And I blamed you
For not carrying me
When you were broken

We were twisted around each other
In substance and lack thereof
We crumbled trying to hold each other up

How could we?

How could I?

How could you?

None of this was supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.
This is meant to be a slam sort of. I'm not good at those. But it's everything I'm feeling right now.
Oct 2015 · 415
Alice Baker Oct 2015
I keep coming to the same blank pages
Hoping to fill them with my mind
I have so much to say
But words won't fall
I'm case anyone was wondering why I haven't really been writing
Oct 2015 · 1.1k
Alice Baker Oct 2015
I can't find words to fit your tortured soul,
But I suppose that's fitting.
You were the only one,
Who's ever left me speechless.

I'm not sure,
How I can hold so much anger,
And so much love for you
At once.

You're a drunk fool,
It was a drunk love.
Alice Baker Oct 2015
He drenched everything in poison
From his kisses
To the words spilling out of his mouth
Everything he did was painted in
Blurry, muted, pixels
His life was a loop
Work, pills, drink
I never mattered.
**** love
Sep 2015 · 672
You, Everywhere
Alice Baker Sep 2015
Leave me alone please
I can't handle
Any more of
This broken record
Of your voice
Playing in my head
You have stained
My thoughts
And my words
I want you out

But I also want you back
Sep 2015 · 359
To Say Hello
Alice Baker Sep 2015
Mulling over excuses to talk to you
It pains me to realize
That I can no longer
Call your name
Just to say

I miss you
I love you
I want you

But I do
Aug 2015 · 603
Never Ever Certain
Alice Baker Aug 2015
I'm not sure which way is up
I don't think I ever have been
Sound in my thoughts
Sometimes my feet feel like they're
Dangling above water
Sometimes they feel
Maybe the question should be
Why I'm seeking stability
Over the sea.
I don't know what this is or what it means I'm just writing cause coffee.
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