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Alice Baker Mar 2021
Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
By intrusive memories,
And your mind is muddled
With self doubt and destruction.
Vices beckon
Like skeletons dressed as old friends
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

Sweet girl,
You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Do not repave them.
Remember all the times like these?
Consumed by darkness that
Eclipses the sun itself.
How many times have you crawled out
Of the trenches?

My darling dear,
Do not doubt your resilience.
We both know that
Tomorrow will come
And while I cannot promise it
Will be brighter,
It will still be new.
Today I logged on for the first time in nearly 3 years. I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time lately, and I stumbled across a piece I wrote in 2016 titled “Something New” I’m so grateful I did, as it brought on the motivation to write again for the first time in what feels like forever.

This is the revised version, 5 years later. I made it a new post because I feel I am a different person today, and I wanted to have a record of my progress.

Thank you for reading, here’s the link to the original:
Alice Baker Jul 2018
Is it weird that I still think of you?

Its been nearly 3 years since we last spoke.

I only knew you for 1 year and 2 months.

But, when I think of everything we went through.

When I think of all the lessons we both learned, how hard so many of them were, how long it took to heal from them...

It’s hard not to wonder if you think of me too.

I don’t miss you anymore, I havent for a long time.

But I wonder.
Heres to an ex i will never speak to, and will always care about. Im sorry we crashed and burned the way we did.
Alice Baker Jul 2018
I’m not:

Knotted and gnarly
Alive, regretfully
The biggest lie I’ve ever told
Alice Baker Jul 2018
I’ve hit a point where crashing no longer gives me whiplash.

Collapsing is normal, bruises are common.

I got lost alone in the woods at 3 am and prayed I wouldn't find my way back,

I’ve been swinging on the ropes a little too long.  My arms are tired.

24 years. 24 years. 24 years.
Alice Baker Dec 2017
I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.
9 words that summarize my experience with my mind
Alice Baker Mar 2017
Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.
I met a stranger, and it was like meeting home.
Alice Baker Dec 2016
I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Still alive
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