Lets pretend we never met
That I never saw you cry
Or punch the wall as I shook and screamed
Lets pretend you are just now
Discovering the marks on my skin
That you never saw them happen
I sometimes wish you didn't know me
So well
You often say what I'm feeling
Before I even think it
I'm afraid we will curl into the comfort
Of familiarity
And once again
Wither and die together.
So treat me like a stranger
I want to be new
With you.

Strain my brain
Of pretty words for you
My dear I cant be near
Without falling into you

Dear God
Please give me the simplicity of four little letters
Carved like a love song onto my wrists
Can you see me trying and falling?
How many times can you break
Into skin so sunken that even
My own mother doesn't know
Where it breaks and
Where it bends

Good God I am here
Begging to a being
I cant convince myself to believe in
Like hopeful letters
The words fall flat
I am not who I am.

You are just a cloud
To distract me from the sky
If love was ever cruel enough
To tease the sun
You would be the one
To get burnt.

Sad sunken eyes beneath hair
That hasn't been brushed
For far too long
With a low key smile
Begging to be kissed
I wish I had been there
For all the storms
I wish I had known
You weren't a stranger.

I see his name and my stomach plummets
Not in the way it used to
Not in the way that made my face glow
And my knees weak

Its sinking
Screaming
The blood drains from my face
And I gasp for air.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

I understand you don't want me to go That's fine.
But I can't watch you dig through your car
For money for tonight's numbing.
You can't call me names
And still call me your daughter
And just because you offer me a cold one
Doesn't mean I'm playing your game.
I tried to give you a chance to prove
That your words were worth an ounce of truth
You may have been sober for months
But it's been two weeks of slurred speech
And several days of you
Not leaving that door
For anything more than a bottle.
Why the **** would I want to stay?
You keep saying that
No one here will hurt me
Too late dad, you've made your mark
In the form of six packs and cruel words.
I was better off without you for 10 years.
You have never been daddy.

She is a shadow so frail
That thoughts alone ignite her
Her eyes wither and grow with sadness
A worn hand to hold onto
She sings me lullabies in the morning
To keep me close in bed
She tells me all my secrets:
They're better off in my head.
She doesn't like when I talk to strangers
She says they'll never love me more
I can't imagine life without her
It wouldn't last for long
My dark and lovely mistress
My shadowed saddened soul.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Time swirling in and out of my peripheral vision
Taunting me in my bed
The heaviness just feels so full
And the light is fleeting
Over grown thoughts pressed into my skull
I don't know how to grow anymore.

Could we please just go back to the start?
Where our eyes were burning with dreams
And our hearts ignited with hope.
We can take a few steps back
And have our footsteps align again.

Can we go back to breathing together?
Woven finger tips and tangled limbs
So close that every breath seems to echo
In the others mouth.
I'll hit rewind if you hit pause
I wish that moment was my forever.
I'd give anything to feel your lips
Just one more time.

It's 12 pm, your hollow voice calls
A resounding echo in my head
Of muddled clouds
On a perfect day

Before the dawn is the dark
But that's when the streetlights glow
They flicker in the night
Calling for you

And every whispered dream hangs
Over the sleepless nights
Tossing and turning
Waiting for you

So go on, my love
Freedom was never free
Pick up the pieces, dear
Love was never guaranteed

Work work work
Money money money
Work work work

Work work work
Die slowly
Die slowly
Die slowly
Money money money
Work work work

I want to scrub my skin until it's raw
I want to clean until the floors shine
I want to put on a face

I want to lie in bed forever
I want to smoke until I cough up black
I want to drink until I can't feel

I want to make them smile
I want to tell a joke
I want to be funny

I want to hide
I want to lock my room
I want to run away

I want to succeed
I want to never worry again
I want to be happy

We are moths and love is our flame.

I wrote a song about you dear,
I filled it with your Novocain
To ease my pain.
And fill the gaps
You had left

And the words,
As haunting as your own
Scattered out on pages torn
Neatly from my collection
Of us.

I sing it to myself
In the quiet of the night
A lantern for a light
I whisper the words
Alone.

"I'm sorry" leaves my lips
More than "you're welcome"
Or "thank you"

It sits upon my shoulders
Weighing me down
A grief to drag on

It interrupts my thoughts
Pierces my points
Makes a mockery of me.

Yet I can't let it go
It keeps slipping out
"I'm sorry"

Every thought I have
Is a regret
A sin

Every action I take
Is a mistake
A joke

How can I ever be me
When all I can say is
"I'm sorry"

"For what"
They say
"For existing"

I'm sorry.

Your worth is not in others eyes
Or on the tip of their tongue
It's not in your wallet
Nor the clothing on your back

Your wisdom is not given out
On a year to year basis
Perhaps the simple thoughts
Of a toddler
Are wiser than
Those of a middle aged business man.

3 am and I'm wide awake
Tossing and turning in a bed too big
To soothe my lonely soul.
And as my mind wanders to you
And your arms around me
I begin to wonder if it's really you
I miss....
Or just being held.

My sick, twisted mind
Is starting to unravel
And I'm left with the fraying threads
Of my existence.

He looks at me, the corners of his mouth curling upwards. His eyes aimed at my lips.

****.

He takes a few cautious steps, arms out, like Jesus ******* Christ.

Save me.

He's close, so close. He dives as I swerve and tangle into him.

Oh.

We part, his face twists as he looks at me

"Why won't you let me be with you?" He whispers.

"Because I can't"

I can never tell if I'm hiding
Or just simply watching
Because it never seems to be either.
I just exist
I do not glimmer.

I wish the whirring in my head would stop.
Just like the joy did, years ago.
It's been so long since I've smiled for myself
Now I just grimace in a daze.

I'm tired you know?
Whatever I'm doing, it's exhausting.
I need time to catch my breath.
It seems I've left my mind back a few yards.

They say to fake it till you make it,
But I'm all out of false
I just want some honesty
Without a hint of doubt.

It's the happy memories
That bring a meloncholly heart.
The ones with the smiles and the laughs
Of kissing in a snowstorm
Or dancing in the rain.

The sad ones hurt
But not the same way.
Because the joy that once was
Will never happen again
With you.

I still miss you, sometimes.
In the aching quiet of the night
When my thoughts wander to the smiles
And the laughs, and kisses.

I remember how you looked at me,
Like I was the answer to a thousand questions
I know you answered all of mine
Or at least, you did at the time.

You taught me lessons.
Like how to sing freely,
And how to love
Both openly and cruely.

I'm starting to forget your voice
And the way your hand fit in mine.
The smell of your skin
Has long since been washed from my sheets

I know we'll never be friends
You don't want to see me again.
And that's alright.
Thanks for the adventure.

It's not that I don't want to see you,
I do.

It's just that seeing you would mean getting out of my bed
And that requires me to get out of my head.

And no, it's not that I don't care,
I do.

It's just that caring would mean getting out of my head
And that requires me to get out of my bed.

I know all the little things
Like how
You take your drinks without ice
And how
You'd rather freeze in a leather jacket
Then out on a real coat.

I know what it means
When your face starts to twist
And I know what you're thinking
When you insist
On opening the door for a lady.

I know the way your hair dries
When it's fresh out of the shower
And straight into bed:
Almost like it's going to fly away.

I know how your eyes plead
When you're holding back
And I know how your hands curl
When something hurts

But the thing I wish I never knew,
Was your face of disgust
And the way you can quit a person
Like me.
I wish I never knew the little things.

We are the generation
With our sorrow etched into our skin
And swallowed down with the morning coffee
Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better.

We are the generation
With our lives plastered on screens
And written in the history of our web
Desperate for affirmation.

lingering spells of sensation whirring on my skin
the pounding in my chest meets the pounding of the beat
flashing lights and flashing skin
this sin's the highest of all.

inhale the sequence of lilac and rose
i trip and hit the beginning of the sky
i listen to the drops of rain on ivory skin
I'm getting lost in the fall.

Baby, can you see me?
Can you hear me?
I'm screaming under water,
Drowning under you.

Baby, can you feel me?
Can you please me?
I'm fighting myself
Over and under stars that shine my name

Baby, can you find me?
Can you save me?
I'm walking on a line
That I've crossed so many times.

Oh and I can't feel
The ground beneath my feet
When will this seem real?

I've been trying for awhile
Please tell me why it's so hard
To fake a smile

Give me a name
To remember
I've got no one to blame

But myself.