Is it weird that I still think of you?

Its been nearly 3 years since we last spoke.

I only knew you for 1 year and 2 months.

But, when I think of everything we went through.

When I think of all the lessons we both learned, how hard so many of them were, how long it took to heal from them...

It’s hard not to wonder if you think of me too.

I don’t miss you anymore, I havent for a long time.

But I wonder.

I’ve hit a point where crashing no longer gives me whiplash.

Collapsing is normal, bruises are common.

I got lost alone in the woods at 3 am and prayed I wouldn't find my way back,

I’ve been swinging on the ropes a little too long.  My arms are tired.

24 years. 24 years. 24 years.

I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.

Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.

I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive

I find you in hidden places
Woven inside me
Like the stitches of a quilt
I am not whole without your memory
Incomplete with what you left
I have built myself around your absence
But you remain.

Cover me in chamomile kisses
And lukewarm lullabies
I'll dance in the haze of your eyes

Earth to self,
You are not okay.
Please seek help.
Love,
You.

Breathe deeply, stand tall,
For gravity only pulls
When you come back down to earth.

Midnight rolls in like a shadow,
Sweet and dark

My eyes are wide,
Thoughts are loud

Sometimes I forget I enjoy sleep
I stay up to hear the night songs

They remind me of
Your warmth

I play your voice over the sound
Of crickets chirping

It is a melody
I cannot forget

The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

I slipped up on the word hello
You choked up on goodbye

Our hands lingered but never met
Our minds brushed but never touched

I saw the way your eyes bled
When I said no

You saw the way my soul shook
When you asked

They called you desperate
I called us separate

Sudden suffocation and relapsed restrictions, we colored ourselves in silver sets and party dresses.

Half hearted laughter amid animosity hidden by sly smiles and fragile friendships. Our wicked world was perfectly painted in shades of doubt.

I wrote about how the birds still sang
The morning you left me
And the trees were still green
I wrote about how the world doesn't stop
Even when mine is crumbling

I wish I could put into words
The way I still reach for you
In my sleep

WHEN YOU HAVE POETRY BUT YOU'RE FREAKING TYPING IT AND YOU HIT UNDO ON ACCIDENT AND IT JUST DISAPPEARS AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE LIKE "WHAT WERE/WHERE ARE MY WORDS" AND I JUST CANT UGH NO

Sometimes the trees sing our song
Whispering through the budding branches
They mourn our loss
And then they bloom.

Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
With memories and dreams
And your soul is heavy
With self doubt and destruction.
Your hangs heavy
With thoughts of disgust
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

But hey

You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Please, Do not repave them.
Remember all the nights like these?
Your lonely tears will wash away.
And while I cannot promise you that tomorrow
Will be better
But it will be new.
Every path we make
Will diverge into unknown territory
And I promise
You will smile
Again

Six whole months
And I'm still broken
The scars you have left
Stain my heart
You have left me
Terrified of
Human connection
Was this pain
Worth it?

I hope you miss me
The way I miss you

But I also hope you don't
Because I am miserable
And you deserve more

Tell me again how to fit
Into the gaps of society
Designated for a woman.
Tell me all the ways my words
Are less my own
Than they are a man's
Tell me how my body will always be
Questioned
The cup in my hand
An excuse.
Remind me of all the ways
Today will never be my day.

I am a canvas
Painted in harsh strokes
With kind words
Mistakes blend in
Over time and diligence
But are never erased
They sit quietly
Under layers of oil paint
Built into my foundation

A skid, a screech
A moment veering
Bang
More skidding
More screeching
A loud **** to the left
a desperate plea for right
I am ******
Why am I ******?
My mind
Where is my mind?

He said he finds it odd,
That such pretty eyes could shed
So many tears.

I told him I find it strange,
That he found these stained eyes
Pretty.

It starts like a sliver
A small fragment of someone else's being
Slips into my skin
Sticking within the shallow foundation
A surface connection
Skin deep until left untreated
Allowed to seep
Building roots into my blood
Before long the wound has grown
Oozing and hot to the touch
It starts to invade
Inching its way to my core
My heart, my lungs
Now stained with its name
I breathe shallow breaths of clean air
Trying to cleanse my soul
I will heal
But scars remain.
A forced change my soul accepted.

I fold myself into a billion pieces
So that they will not see the gaps
That pierce my soul
I am an eclipsed moon
On a cloudy night

do you ever mess up something super duper minor and no one else thinks it an issue and you see that but on the inside you just feel like collapsing and crying and folding into little pieces of human origami because god it would be wonderful to be anything but yourself?

I just want another chance
To grow up
My mind is stirring with the
False hopes of childhood
My pockets are empty
And my soul is tired
They say I still have far to go
But how much further can it be?
I keep slipping on the same slopes
Don't give me lectures
Give me peace

Today I saw my ******
He was with his family
A little girl rode on his shoulders
I watched him laugh with them
As my insides boiled
And I collapsed
Amongst a crowded atrium.

I've seen him in passing before
But never like this
Never before had he looked more human
Than monster

Bend me down and out and over
I will smile as I wither
You can not shatter someone
Who loves being broken

I'm not sweet but I'm covered in sugar
Lemon drop lies iced with ivory thighs
Milky skin and honey hair
Fools are made of love and lust

Love is a silhouette
And she dances on my shoulder
Stability is a shadow
And he likes to play a game
Insanity is a ghost
I'll never see him tamed.

I don't think it's right that I get uncomfortable with the thought of meeting a man because of what I fear is expected of me. Even more so the fact that more often than not, I am right, and I have to pry myself away from their wandering hands and expectant lips. They always try for more, even after being told no. They make lame *** excuses to touch my ***. Because in our culture, no doesn't mean stop, it means not yet.

No means no, and I don't want to hear about how they feel they are being made to be the villain. I don't want to fear the implications of standing up for myself, if they get upset or overly defensive. I shouldn't have to justify my choice to keep my clothing on. This is not me playing hard to get, I just want them to respect the boundaries that I have placed.

I've never been overtly ******, I've never been the type to go further than a kiss on the first date. Netflix and chill, means popcorn and cuddling, not hands flying under blankets. For me, no means no. It doesn't mean not yet, it doesn't mean that with a few more drinks I'll be good to go.

It shouldn't be this way, women shouldn't have to defend the meaning of no. There shouldn't be the fear of expectations. We shouldn't have to worry about how a man will react when we ask for respect.

How dare I say I loved you
How could I?
I was broken, bent, weighed down
By my mere existence.

You picked me up
And I held on.

I was too busy being lifted
To see your breaking shoulders
You became my hope
And you began to lose your own

I never learned your dreams
Not in depth anyway
I was too busy with my sadness
That you tried to take away

I wish I would've asked to see
The talents in your grasp
The music you made
The world's you created

But I was a flooded river
And you were the shore
It's hard to say
Who swept up who

I wore you thin
How long can a man carry
A dead weight
And expect to be strong?

You began to pull away
And you began to slip up
You found solace in a familiar dance

Unprescribed yet medicated
Dosed with doubt
And lack of love

And me?
I still needed you
I still expected you.

And I blamed you
For not carrying me
When you were broken

We were twisted around each other
In substance and lack thereof
We crumbled trying to hold each other up

How could we?

How could I?

How could you?

None of this was supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.

I keep coming to the same blank pages
Hoping to fill them with my mind
I have so much to say
But words won't fall

I can't find words to fit your tortured soul,
But I suppose that's fitting.
You were the only one,
Who's ever left me speechless.

I'm not sure,
How I can hold so much anger,
And so much love for you
At once.

You're a drunk fool,
It was a drunk love.

He drenched everything in poison
From his kisses
To the words spilling out of his mouth
Everything he did was painted in
Blurry, muted, pixels
His life was a loop
Work, pills, drink
I never mattered.

Leave me alone please
I can't handle
Any more of
This broken record
Of your voice
Playing in my head
You have stained
My thoughts
And my words
I want you out


But I also want you back