I never knew how many goodbyes
I'd said
Before you became distant
My friend
And looking from the distance
That has been built between
Us
I feel a void present.

Your lack of response was a sign.
A game of checkers to bid the time.
However you can only play with two
And I...
Have always been one
And alone.

And yet you begin to replicate yourself,
Until I see you in many
Different yet the same.
Your eyes distant
Your smile not yet expressed with
All of your heart.
It's no surprise that
This wall is here.
Thank you for your time.

I don't want to look upon you from a
Distance so far.
The void can be discarded.
Forgotten.
And yet you stand there
And my thumbs hover over you;
Not yet registering
What my mind speaks.

Can I really say
You..
were once a friend?
An acqu~~~~~~~~
Just like most.

And am I my own acqu~~~~~~~~?

What use is the hand that reaches out
Stroking frozen walls and
Directing my gaze.

Hello
I see you again.
A gaze that I process but
Do not comprehend,
Do not want to comprehend
Good bye
If only that was the end.

Not too close and
Not too far
Your shadow looms
Through my mind
A scar;
Not yet embedded however
Amplifying what it can be
Through a simple
Caress to my spine.

Careful and yet
Bold,
Your counterpart less of the former
And more of the latter
And yet currently,
My trust lays more in your
Parallel counter.
I wanted to trust you
But your one slip
Was enough.

After the rain's cold has faded,
Clouds still floating away,
I begin to witness
What blindening tumult
The rain had
Cast and strewn upon me...

Congealing on the surface of my
Glass petals; fresh and thick
Colourful drab paint
Coating the layers of my
Fragile inner self, and I
Could only leave it there
To protect me against weathering
Until I
Forgot it was there and I was drowning...
You can only hold your breath for so long

In the warmth of my bed,
In the cold of the rain filled clouds,
I sit in expectation,
Waiting for petals to replace my
Colourfully dripping glass
Again

As I wait
In the night's cold
The echoes of rain long gone
I fall back
Sweet reactions
And sweet smiles
Evoked by the idiosyncrasies of life,
All genuine
Whilst my heart
Congeals the idiosyncratic nature of
My exterior
With my interior.

Duality,
A concept irrevocable.
In it's amalgamation,
The force of its flux
Is unsettling.
And in my unsettled ease
Where does that leave me?

No I don't want to speak over lunch
Or coffee
Or dinner for that matter.
These words are too much to span
One meal
To span one drink
One bite,
Too heavy to mesh with
The comfort of food.
You never asked if I wanted to just
Hang one night and discuss these things.
And that's where they all go wrong;

I don't want your pity
I want your empathy
Come back to me
When you can share my energy
I don't want to claw at my scars
Only to be looked at as if I'm still
In my infancy
I want to conserve my energy
I'm human,
We can only store so much will
And pain

Let my breath not be wasted
When the time comes,
For if I choose to speak
I speak eye to eye
Entity to entity
And if my judgement of your gaze is wrong -
In that time of supposed synergy -
Know that there is no return for your
Place with me.

I don't want in on this world.
You're already in it so there's no point thinking that way
I know
What is it that has you thinking this way?
The struggles of the world.
People needing to claim victory over others
The exponent of power dominance.
You live in this world
And that's why I want out.
... Love... Even that's a part of it huh
Yeah...

So, what...?
No choice but to continue moving, as you said.
Purpose?
Still working on that.
My position in the world?
Detaching...
You still need to take care of your part in this world
I know, though I don't fully understand how.
I know you got this, but take care
Yeah

In bringing to light
The darkness that surrounds us,
I understood more about you.
In the things that you do for me and
The way that you treat me.
I had always questioned why you did
What you did;
Was it an act of indebt?
I want your sincerity
Something that I've never really felt deeply...

Thank you for these acts.
I hope that you reach a point of sincerity
So that in the future,
I can understand why I was willing to be
Close by as you
Tread at a distance lightly.

I don't want anything to do with this world.
Not now, not ever.

I yearn for eternal slumber;
Too wise for an induced end.

An end just beyond my clutches,
Not long left.

Air ever so heavy,
No light in sight. I've
Given up on reaching out and
Entering the
Light.

What use is it to
Hold on
Only to fall deeper?

Eve strikes as I
Lean my head against the wall
Undermined by the tar, gently bubbling,
Doubling in my heart.
Eating at my consciousness,
Slowly encompassing my eyes.

My journey towards content
Fluctuates endlessly
Above and below
The surface of my sanity.
Rising
Sinking
Rising
With the tide
Melting
Freezing
In and out
Of consciousness;
Where I belong
Is a foreign feeling,
Its happiness short lasted.
Is it better to be freezing
Or is it better to melt and trust
That I will rise.

And apparently
I give the illusion of successful equilibrity
Sigh
Spheres of air escape me

How is it, that in this world
We were bold enough
To transform sweet nothings
Into nothing sweet...

This world is so limited;
This world of people.
Chained by the
Swirling aether of
Yin and Yang.

This world is so expansive;
All existence continuously overlapping
A butterfly effect
In the form of waves.

Drowning

A complex word.

My eyes have always been open
Open to where I am
Open to who I am with
Open to the flows of the world,
Flows that I could never fully comprehend,
The complexities dance in front of my eyes
Mirrored in my mind
Filling it with swirling thoughts;
Never fully sunken in, and yet seen
Unseeingly.

Flows that I cannot comprehend
Continue to surround me
No matter how many flows etch into my flesh
Eyes open, mind overflowing.

The love that stares me in the face
Seen
Unfamiliarly familiar
Unseeingly
Irreplicable in my heart
Swirls endlessly in my thoughts
In and out of consciousness
It was never etched into my flesh.

Tumultuous darkness surrounds me.
It laps around my resting body, standing,
Poised to take whatever step found easy.
Eyes closed.
The sensation of the darkness around me,
It's silence and it's clenching emptiness
Swirling at the chance of stealing another
Position to act as stimuli.

The sensation across my skin muddles my thoughts.
I am who I am.
Eyes closed,
Mind swirling.
Reckless in my environment,
I step,
With the grounds shifting,
I step,
Darkness unceasing;
I step.

If a door passes by,
I open it.
If a hand reaches out,
I pull it.
If ground stops shifting,
I look down at it...
Whether or not the darkness eases,
Unceasingly,
Step

Steps echo in the distance,
Pitter, patter
As I turn my head forward, leaving
Accustomed to the silence in my wake,
Eyes closed to the path that lays ahead.

Gazing at the floor beneath,
Avoiding my surroundings;
Unnerved,
And yet these surroundings are pounding
At my front door.
I twist the locked **** carelessly
And consistently
Uncaring of my discomfort.
Tiring
Repetitive and yet
Refining.
Lock me out or I'll continue
To open these doors

Silence
At the front door
To which I open again,
Pitter patter
Spinning the threads of
Chaos again.

And so you deny our pain.
Our struggle
In vain?
Yes, thank you for your input;
Just another voice
In the body of the miser,
In the sea of misery...

And in your voice as you speak,
Is the lack of resonance and luster;
Of a voice that utters merely
What it seeks.
Lay down those baseless words
And let them rebound off of the
Words that resound
And leave you ashamed and meek.

Unfeeling you are in your entity
Unseeing you are in your memory
And if I was to be asked of you,
I'd return the favour;
Sans memory of your entity.

You never see us drowning,
So why should you see us succeeding.

My heart begins to beat again.
And I'm afraid of
What that means for me;
My heart is still empty
My mind still recovering.
All these different feelings
Rushing back into me,
The world in front of me almost
Unchanged
Increasing in vibrancy.

The people have not changed
And my feelings for them have not changed
And yet
What is the meaning of these
Resurfacing feelings?

Take me away...
Before I am swept away
Again.

Twice struck by stone.
Thrice in the twice,
Too close in proximity
To call home.
The night is young and
The world is vast,
I will not go to sleep tonight.

Twice struck by stone,
Once from the East and
Twice to the West.
My chest has become overwhelmed by
The swirling blood in my heart,
Tonight I will not fall asleep.

Steps forward turn into steps backwards,
Tonight will be a sleepless night.

Twice struck by stone,
In the last two days.
Many more do I own,
I lay down on alone,
Too many thrown
For me to remember
All through which I've grown.
Accustomed to the stones against my
Skin,
Flesh and
Bones;
Tonight,
I will not fall asleep.

Pained words
Heard at night,
Words rewind
Replay
Repeat, overlay
Become twisted
In the middle of the night.

Pained words
Twisted in the morning
Heard, back turned,
Nothing but empty tears

Pained words
Unshared
Interested and
Harmless.

Bring it on
I will fight
Let your words loose upon my
Infant heart
Whip and whip again
Gaze at me with your
Estranged lens
Leave me to fend for myself
Let me hurt
Whether or not I shall rise again
I will be the victor
Of my end

My dreadful..
Dreadful
End...

Be gentle
Show me your hand
Be gentle...
Lighten your gaze and
Uncloud your lens
Let me love you
Before the end..

For estranged
With estranged
From estranged

Your voices are all mingling into one
Past and present
The pain in my chest and
The muscles around my eyes
I cannot...
I cannot bear to be there again
The laughter
The gazes
The support
And the betrayal...
So close to your warmth
And yet
Never there.

The innate warmth in one's heart
Should grow
And yet
My heart is left with a fading imprint and
No image and
No call
Beckons my heart.
My heart and mind's roles
Reverse

Fluctuating

Please

My whole life...
Please.
I want to leave
I want to be there.
So come take me
Because I can't seem to find my way.

One step away
Two feet at bay
Three thoughts sway
Dangling
In my gaze.
A door certain,
The distance short,
Viscosity of air
Uncertain.

With all the steps
That have pulled me
Here,
And with all the
Inter-flows of life curving
My path
Left and right,
I have come,
Oh expectant One.

Thank you
To all.

My gaze loses focus
But remains on one.
There is no handle.
The door is yet to open.

Thank you
For recentering my gaze
Each and every time.

Whether it be the flow
Beneath my feet,
By my arms or,
In my mind and heart,
I...

Thank you

I, a wistful soul,
Have always been
On the verge of you.
Each push and pull
Of the flow of tide
Almost pushing me through
And yet
Here I am.

Thank you

My body lays
Sensing the flows
Eyes closed
Thinking about
The One who expects me
Beyond the door.

There's a reason
To everything I do.
Whether it be
Not smiling at you
Distancing myself from you or
Not liking you...
There's a reason.
I'm not your first priority.
Not even when I'm the
Only person
You need to focus on.
I'm not your first priority
When no one else is around
And
I never will be.
So don't pretend like I am.
Don't lie to my face.
Don't think everyone will like you
Just because you like to show them
Your enthusiasm
As if you're their Sun.
*******.

Be honest with me
Be truthful
And work from there.
I tried to do that with you but...
I'm not your first priority

When people tell me
That I'm strong
I'm beautiful
I'm amazing...
I don't feel anything.
Tell me these things
When I cry about the pain
That has lasted me years,
When I'm up at night
Even when I'm lacking sleep,
And
When I'm expected to smile
My whole life when I don't feel your warmth.

This ice palace I reside in,
Is it my lifeline?
Because if it is
Wouldn't it be better if
It melted?

All these moments
Have become entangled
And the momentary lapses
Irregular,
My world all
Grey
And
I just can't do this.

But my calls are stuck
In my throat.
I'm frozen.
I'm not resilient.
It's taking me so long
So long
To stand up.
And my heart is giving up
It's beat
Fading.

One more thing
Before I lay my head to rest,
I must say
Hoping that my last words
Won't need to be repeated
And my essence unfelt;

A hole has manifested
In my sincerity
And no person has been
Left unaffected.

Many times I mention
My lack of drive and
Inability
To passionately
Reach for the moon
However...
My words as if delirious
Wander unintercepted
Into the horizon.

Of course in your insincerity
I slowly cared less and less,
But unable to be resilient
The hurt bore a hole
Pierced my soul
And left my energy
Diffusing low
Into the deep...

Darkness
Drawn apart
Awakened
In my end.

And in the darkness
There is nothing to
Let the light flourish again.

Wouldn't it be lovely
To lose yourself
Wouldn't it be lovely
If the world turned dark.
Wouldn't it be lovely
If all felt void
Wouldn't it be lovely
If I breathed no more.

Too tired to argue
With thoughts that float closeby
Too tired.

And if I don't fit your standards
Then, you have to paint
A standard on me?
The world is your canvas
And so you smile at what you
Want to see?
I love you guys
That's as clear as can be
Love us in your standard
And in the moonlight
Let the glowing soul leave.
You've made your shells,
Why do you need their cores?
Acting like they're free...

Am I an anomaly?
Too tired to tell.
I don't want to take the time
To explain who I am.
Not every single time.
Easier to say goodbye but
I'm flying high
Too fast for me to.
Too tired.
Just let me be me.

The relentless
Ingenuine serenades,
Empty
Swirling around my ears
As I try
To encompass
Your entirety,
What energy we share
For your tireless
Unfelt soothsaying
To pile around
Unreceived.

Serenade me,
Whether we share or not,
For I will let peel
The layers of your serenade
And watch
As the energy unveils.
But know that when
Your words are empty,
You should leave.
Because I'm
Beginning to have enough.

How high can I fly
Before I fall?
A question, from my lips
You'll never recall.
For in whatever you may call
My life
I had always been drowning
Every smile
Laced with misery
Every connection
Developed from my energy
Every word
Every word
Full of honesty

You know
The reason why
You see me there
Everywhere
And yet
I am always not there
Is because
With every interaction
That I make
There is nothing that is shared
Only held
And then abandoned.

How high can I fly
Before I fall?
The question is easily answered.
I am already drowning
Drowning in everywhere I am
And everywhere I am not.
The real question is,
How long
And when,
Til I land?

Artificial, superficial
Smiles, laughs and riddles.
All riddles.
Anything out of your mouth,
Through your eyes,
Through those hands
Filling me with doubt.

Can I have something good?
Am I allowed to?
This race course that I've jumped into
I've sped up way too fast.
Slow down crash.
Speed up crash.

Artificial, superficial,
Why did I ask you to let down your hair?
I look up and I see someone foreign
Claiming that if I climb
I'd get closer to her?
Right...
Your smile foreboding
Your eyes beady
Open your mouth
Flickering fork so needy
Right..
Artificial,
Insincerity in that 'interested' gaze
Superficial,
Those lips stretched wide
Plastered on your face
It only makes sense that when you laugh
I don't give a sh
Right.

Artificial...
Superficial...
That's all you'll ever seem,
In my eyes.

I hate that
Every word you speak
Must be expected for everyone's ears.
They aren't.
They aren't.
So stop going around and twisting words
That you can't comprehend
Stop seeking out words
Who don't feel the same emotions as you.
Just stop.
Not everyone is going to feel the same.
Not everyone attaches the same meaning
To certain words, phrases and sentence structures.
Just stop.
If the sentence was meant for you,
Then the emotion and structure would be there
For you
And if it isn't...

I'm spent
To this end, my life
I never meant
To this end, my eyes
Opened my soul's descent

And where the wind blows
You shall find me
And where the sea flows
You shall be drowned in me
And where life grows
You shall flourish through me
Beknownst to you
Or not
For I am everywhere

And in the darkness
As I ignore calls to warmth
I open my eyes
Closing in; my life's ascent

I hear the rain outside my window
Sudden
Like the thoughts of my mind;
Like a dam burst, they flow
Continuously fluctuating
They only pile and grow
The thoughts that continually seeded
Weave and grow
Too many stimuli
I am overwhelmed
Too much
For me to even think that I know
To even think that I know anything
As dams burst left and right
The chaos caused is too thorough...
The chaos has spread too wide
And as the dam is about to burst
I open my eyes
And my soul is broken in half
In the dull echo
Of the chaos of the rain
Outside

What is this clarity that I hold?
Is it that the value of all else
Has equilibrated?
Silence
Silence in my thoughts
In my mind
In my heart
In my room
In my relationships
In my mess
Silence.

It is possible that this is the
Drawback of water
Before the tsunami slams
A moment of silence
Surrounded
By the wake of a storm

When I was finally able to say
Goodbye
I felt not the need to move my lips or
Move myself to
Utter the words..

Whether or not you are there
I feel not the need to check.
The last I saw,
You lifted your barriers
And that is all I need to know.

You are you
And in the time it took to realise
The permanent distance between us
"Goodbye"
And I would never see you again.

Why is it that we can continue
To look forward
When we can't even see what
Tomorrow looks like or
Who we will be with tomorrow
Or
Whether we lose everything
Tomorrow

I can't find myself putting in the strength
For that tomorrow
Let alone developing a me that'll
Find what I've always needed,
When I never found that my whole life...

What's the use of a tomorrow
If it doesn't equate to anything better
Than today...

Drunk.
On the thoughts occupying my mind,
Drunk.
On the preoccupations playing in front of my eyes,
Drunk.

Floating in my drunkenness...
My only wish
Does not exist.
Because,
Floating in the drunkenness of my pain has
Taken my awareness away.
Drunk.

Goodbye
Goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye       ...
Or so I thought I could say
Shout and scream
At your back
That stands closeby...
But it's so close
I could reach out
And touch your shoulder;
I could turn you around...
'Goodbye'
A word that is used a time too many
Too many to really signify
An end.
But in the time it takes
My tone to reach it-
Til then-
Goodbye

These tracks playing in the back of my mind
Overlapping
Seeping
Diffusing
Into every sound,
Colour,
Movement...
Infusing into my veins,
Pulse,
Eyes
Gripping my heart
As the surrounding muscle contracts
And takes over

Pumps
Loosening my body
Muscles stiffen,
Peripheral vision darkened
Pump pump
Throat clump
I missed my chance
I missed my chance
Neck outstretched
Eye lids embracing my eyes
You're losing focus
And this distance,
Lack of reassurance,
Eats me up

And so I hide away

Eroding,
My heart is eroding inside
Whether it be you
Or me
Or a culmination of
The hidden thoughts inside
I don't want this
And yet I can't seem to get myself
To move from the scraping
Gushing feelings inside
I don't see a future
And I don't want there to be
A future inside
I just want it all to end
I don't get it...
Outside or inside,
My heart never finds
A place it wishes to reside.

As my body lays frozen over
By the ice that continually cools me,
I gently float, soundlessly in the
Tower surrounded by icy waves.

The landscape that I always look out to
Is unchanging and lifeless,
Sounds in the distance seldom
Resounding around my heart motionless.

I kick at stagnant air,
Almost as if something was there,
The tunes playing in my head
Enough for my heart and mind to share.

As my frozen body moves,
I continue to gaze out towards the landscape.
Not because the landscape is motionless,
But now, because my heart and mind
Have melded into the tunes
Playing in my head.

Not even a chance to say the basic
Goodbye
Stopped me mid-sentence before I could ask
Why
Raised your barriers and pushed me away, unable to
Vie
Called you a million times and now my eyes are
Dry
If this was to be the outcome, that first time we met, I wouldn't have said
Hi

Or so I say,
When I have a feeling why you would lie
Pulling off a stunt to raise the barriers high
But these barriers aren't around me
They're around you
So please, don't make these barriers your way of saying
Goodbye.

I can't do this anymore.
Stepping closer
And
Getting pulled closer,
And then getting pushed away
Or
Having to step away.
I can't do that.
And please...
Don't force me to do that.
My whole life is made out of
Ice
And if
I have to step away,
I'll break,
Crushed under the ice cold of
My imploding desire and pain
For you.

I can only deal with so much
At once.
I didn't even learn how to
Piece myself together the last time.
I'm frozen all over
And I am depending on your warmth,
So please,
Don't break me
While I stand close by...
I don't want to step away.

This can't go on.
The confusion,
The anxiety,
The difference...
To my usual distance.

I've never felt warmth in my heart
Nor the fluttering of my stomach
Or my heart racing
Due to any person
And so...
These feelings that I have...
When my heart beats
And when my stomach flutters
Without that warmth that I expected
To feel...
I become more confused
And more agitated
Is this what I'm supposed to feel?
Or will the warmth develop
As our hearts unseal?

The confusion is killing me
As I step into the forbidden
And what lays beyond,
Will either become
Bare
Or forever hidden.

Maybe I'm assuming,
But if it does happen,
Before it happens,
I want to write of
How much I value you.

In your presence,
I do not smile.
I do not vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not mask my boundaries
And make sure to show you
My pain.

But in your presence,
I do not feel the need to force a smile.
I do not feel the need to vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not feel the need to mask my boundaries
And I am that little bit more comfortable
In showing you my pain
In comparison to everyone else.

We do not need to laugh
For me to value you as much as I do.
I value you for you.
For caring while you did
And just, for being you.

And if ever,
I can never not feel the need to
Force a smile,
Vie to keep the conversation alive,
And mask my boundaries,
Then that would be the point,
Where you and I
Would become lost.

These words that flow
Around my mind,
I try to appreciate,
I try to confide
These words with
My dear ones,
But often they are toxic
And burn
At the corner of my eyes.

These words that flow
Into my ears
Slowly fade into
My love and fears
Melding with the foundations that prop me up
These foundations constantly amalgamating
With the words of the surrounding world.

These words that flow
Into my eyes
Slowly pull me... aside
Deeper into
The darkness of my fears
Slowly into
A cold
Cold abyss.

And where your light shines
I'd hope to smile
But my smile is hidden
In the words
Left unspoken
Floating around my mind
Flowing in the cold of my eyes.

I'm falling again
And I love You but
My choices
No matter how much I refuse them
Keep me in vain
The worth of You
Is incomparable
And yet
I choose
To look away
The pain is there
And yet
I refuse to feel

From the beginning
You meant the most
To me
And You always
Kept me sane
Those moments
I almost gave it up
But then turned around...
I owe it all to You

So please turn me around
Before I lose myself again.

The conflict of new paths,
Keys,
And perspectives...
Is that they all lead to the foreign
Whether good or bad.
And more often than not,
Predicting the outcomes is impossible.

What if I'm striving in vain?
If I'm afraid of death and endings,
Then why can't I be afraid of pain?

Sans endless
When the ending is decided...

Deep inside
A part of me watches all this
Agelessly youthful eyes
Untainted and unable to be tainted
Cross-legged,
Attention unwavering.

Silent
Giggling
Crying
A shrill voice
That echoes in the
Vast
Lightless
Cavern of my mind

Hand outstretched
Pointing
Dawdling
Recklessly
Pulling me around
Every note clear
Resonating
In my gaze.

Would I but listen
To you and
You alone,
My world would lose its complexity
And my vision would lose
It's simplicity

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is a leap
Full of laughter
Painless
Light on my heart

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is sped as I land
Back onto earth
Back into my life

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is rebalancing myself
As I try to understand
What it is that I am doing
As I gaze out to the empty horizon

And every step,
Stepping
Towards you...
Is full of worry
Every next step reconsidered
Every next foothold possibly
Disfigured
The uncertainty in each step...?
Whispers and whispers
Of silence
Whispers and whispers
For warmth
Whispers and whispers...

With every note that flows
Every stage that goes
I get closer to an end
Maybe closer to you

Every staccato that unfolds
Overlapping that legato left untold
Moves me closer to an end
A stage ending with you

Every rise
And every fall
I hope
To find you

So used to the idea
Of two different melodies
Starting together instantaneously...
That I so desperately want you

But as the arrangement continues to flow
In a cadence of escalating ostinato
The hope that there is a stretto or
Chord progression... Slowly weakens with the idea of you

So much so that
Every beat resonates within me deeper
And courses through my veins
Almost leaving no space
For you

The pain left in every note that
Brings me closer to the end
Twists you into a syncopation
And I into a ballad of bottomless commiseration

I just...
I pray to God
That my composition ends
In the best quality it could ever be.

Relationships...
To me that word
Is the embodiment...
Of Solidity.
Because
Partnership
And Friendship
Are not items to be joked about
To the extent that
The unity between two people
Is almost holy...
To the extent that
Jumping into depths
With a person I barely know
Is overwhelming and suffocating;
that unity...
I would not give away so easily.
For I am a romantic
And for that one person
I give my soul,
my eyes,
my heart...
and my everything.