Do you feel better now?
Now that you think you've figured me out?
Found out what makes me tick?
One hand clasped around my throat.
The other tangled in my hair
Pulling my head back so I'm forced to look in your eyes
So you can control me
So you can make me love you
Red marks on the backs of my thighs
A strict set of rules so you'll never worry
Punishment and reward
Equal gratification
All those things you want from me
That you can gain from tying my wrists together
Leaving rope burns across my stomach
Alone in a room
Exposed and waiting for you to come back
And love me
Just like I did to you
But in such a different way
You say that you're dominant
And that I'm the submissive one
Yet you want to jump right in
And I'm going to consider our options
Because your inexperience
Doesn't blend well with my needs
You can't collar me just to say you did
You have to mean it
And you don't know what it means to mean it

Ride up to me
On your tired old horse
With your bent armor
And bloodied sword
Cracked shield
Dry lips
Let me offer you water
And a place in my bed
I'll hide you from your sins
Those ghosts of battles passed
You are my knight
With old battle scars
And I'll love you
Despite your lack of shine

When it is happiness in question
I always choose yours
You always choose mine
Then we fight about
The joy we keep stealing
From one another
Every Time

Please go to sleep
Please just go to sleep
Join me in my dreams
Help me because I can't breathe
So please, please just go to sleep

God she was beautiful
Crystal wings made of cellophane
She was so eager to leave when the winter froze her to the glass
That she pressed against her lips and inhaled
Just so she could see the colors again

She told him once about the flavor of humans.
That he tasted like old leather and empty bottles of whiskey
He told her about ****** knuckles
And how many times she had been on his mind when he got them
She smiled with her teeth showing
Then she walked away from him again
It’s funny all the things that he thought he knew
Like how much sweeter his best friend tasted against her lips
It’s a shame that she never told him
That sugar sometimes makes her sick

How do you prevent something that's already happening?
Death that has already taken a life?
Do you beg?
Do you plead?
No.
You prepare a coffin.
Just like someone's already done for you.
I love you,
And you destroyed me.

*The Suicide Diaries

I waited
20 weeks
38 weeks
177 weeks
And I still loved you
Because it came as naturally as breathing
And who but us could understand
The waiting

It's funny isn't it?
How hard old habits seem to die.
Like the taste of beer that lies on your lips.
Or the laugh that's caught in my throat.

Goodbye whispers in the back of my mind
About promises left un-kept and plans that fell through
Goodbye tells me that life is about to change
And that I should be afraid for tomorrow
Goodbye is a tragedy that’s incredibly real
For we say goodbye to every passing moment
*I never wanted to say goodbye to you.

I'm choking on all the words I can't say,
And blood from my throat
Because all the pride I swallowed was sharp
And it didn't go down easy
The "I told you so" on the tip of my tongue
Will just have to keep holding on

;Cheating defined.:
1. "Anything that I do
that does not involve you."

2. "Nurturing any part of me
that does not satisfy some part of you."

3. "Satisfying any need i have
that seems illigitiment in your mind."


. . . At least, that's what I've come to understand. . . .

Those bruises you once left on my hips
didn't look so good on my arms
I wonder how they look
Now that they're on my heart
*You would know since you're the one holding it.
How long did it continue to beat after it left my chest?

I remember when you loved
That my lips tasted like
Little White Lies And Cigarettes
When my lies were meant
To keep from breaking your heart
And my cigarettes
Were dedicated to someone else's name
Rolling off my lips

. The morning after
When I told my mother
That he made me touch him
She took my to the bathroom
To wash my hands -
Because he made me *****
With his essence
Now that I am older
That crime
still lives on my skin
And in my mind
I can't help but wonder-
If I wouldn't have felt so soiled
Had everyone not told me
That I was that way
I was just a little girl
With big blue eyes
But I understood right then
That *** meant grime
They tell me that it's not my fault
That I had no part in the scene
It severed the ties in my mind
That made me a part of the thing
Now I still don't connect emotionally
During ***

Instead I simply submit-
Because that's as close to love
As I'll ever get .

You're still breathing
But I can't sleep
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
Let me hold you
And rock you to sleep
With lullabies laced with Novocaine
Rest in peace
Rest in peace
I promise I'll be here in the morning
Will you?
Say you will
*Say you will

I am a predator
I look for the weaker man
Then bring him to his knees in front of me
To worship me
To love me
I pick out his weakness
And tell him that they are beautiful
I build him up with words
Soft kisses and tight hugs
Make him feel
More than he ever has
Then I break him down
Find flaws in him where I once found joy
I take back my kisses
All of my love
My presence
Then I leave him
And wonder why I am alone

Beauty gives and beauty takes
It leaves destruction in its wake
Beauty breathes the breath of life
But in doing so it takes a life
New beginnings and bitter ends
All that's left is loving friends
Youth is given and easily lost
Fun is great but at what cost?
A child's first cry is a mother's dying breath
At least in the end there's still something left

I lit a candle for you yesterday
One with colors to mimic your soul
It bleeds rainbows as it melts
Red came first
It felt so right
Tasted like sorrow
I let it drip onto my fingertips, onto my wrist
White like the pills you took
Red like the pain you let out of your wrists
It captured you
I blew it out with the last drag of my cigarette
Let the air mingle with the ***** on my breath
The shot I took out of the glass with your name on it
Happy Birthday
A shot and a smoke for another year you'll never see

*The Suicide Diaries

You're not the one
I'm sorry to say
You've been there
You love me
But it's not the same

You're not the one
He's out there
Somewhere waiting for me
Just to find him
That's the problem

You're not the one
I want you to be
But I can't make the impossible
A reality
So is life

You're not the one
I'm sorry darling
I love you
Hold me close
While you still can

You're not the one
But we can pretend
Just for a little while
I'll give myself to you
I know you'll take me

Even though you're not the one

What do you know about silence?
Silence on the other end of the phone.
No breathing.
No laughing.
No crying.
Silence.
The white noise of fear.

What do you know about helplessness?
Helplessness in your own eyes.
Nothing you can do.
Nothing you can say
Nothing but watching
Helplessness
The catylyst of fear

What do you know about loss?
Loss of you mind, your friend.
It's too late he's gone
It's too late he's forgotten
It's too late you're crying
The post-mortem of fear

What do you know about me?
Me and my tired eyes.
Numb is my mind
Numb are my fingers
Numb everywhere
The desolation of fear

*The Suicide Diaries

Christmas smells like
Peppermint and
Chocolate kisses
But I know that
It will all be
Over soon
And then I will
Be all alone
For the eve
Of Christmas passed

He is very low to the ground
He snuffles and sniffles and waddles around
He makes his home in a tree
What on earth could this creature be?
He has spikes and stickers and quills galore
There's a hint if you didn't know before
If you really stop and search your mind
You'll realize he's a porcupine

Who have I become?
Why didn't you tell me that I was changing?
Do you miss me the way I was before?
Or is this how you've always wanted me to be?
Weak.
Helpless.
Sad.
You're not a part of it.
Doesn't that mean anything?
Remember when I was something?
Something to hold on to.
Not I'm worthless.
To everyone but you.

I can show you the world baby,
Then destroy it just as quickly,
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Let me be your everything
It's all yours
As far as eye can see
Thing is it all ends with me
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Say your prayers tonight my love,
Rely on the person above,
To save you from what I am
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I could hurt you if I tried
Remember today as the day you died
When I took you apart
Piece by piece by piece
Are you ready?
Are you ready?

If I told anyone
That I was feeling down today
They would tell me to hush
And that it will be okay
The same thing that I used to say
When I didn't know that sadness
Didn't simply fade away

Somewhere out there
Or very close
There's someone somewhere
There has to be, I suppose
Who understands
Who really knows
How quickly sadness comes
And how slowly it goes

If they're reading this right now
I really wish that someway
That somehow
They'd stop
As the world continued around
To come and hold me
Without making a sound

Just to lie with me for a moment or two
So that I won't be alone
As this storm blows through
And I feel as if,
This is all they'd have to do
So tell me darling,
Is this person you?

It's the season of aching
For something that I can never quite find a name for
The hint of warmth in midst the frozen air
God,
I still can't find it

*And that's why my heart hibernates
through the winter

Remind me again love,
What was our situation?
Was it effervescent love,
Or a hostage negotiation?

;Dedication defined: "The way I looked at you even in our worst moments"

I'm missing you
Even though we've never met
It's an emptiness
That I can't shake
Something like nostalgia
Yet for the future not the past
I want you more than anything
But I don't even know your name
Please hurry to me
I want to feel your nearness
To wake up beside you
Have me please
Because I crave you
I need you

It's you
Drenched in sweat
Face pressed into my shoulder blades
Taking heaving breaths
Laced with I love yous

I'm waiting for you to let me break you. Just like I've been trying not to. Like I know I can. You beg me for it sometimes. When you look at me with wide eyes, and parted lips, and tell me that you love me, and beg me to love you to. I'm waiting for the moment when the temptation is too hard to resist. When I smile through the bottom of a glass of whiskey and tell you the truth that's sits on the tip of my tongue. I'll give in to the temptation of him and his flesh. Then you'll be  alone, and so will I. Even though I'm wrapped in his arms.

I am fading again
Back into grey
Into the background
Peripheral vision
        Movie extra blur
I'm hidden
               So well I can't even see me
Camouflaged
     By all the carnage
                       who's to say
              *how long I'll be gone
       or what will remain when I
                       crawl back  into  *focus

I'm waiting for the moment when your lips taste like sugar again
When the scabs on my lips heal
The ones you left when we were on fire

I'm waiting for the moment when you let me breathe again
When I hate you again
So much that I fall back in the flames

I'm ****** up today
The feeling of you is clanging around in my chest
It's not just lingering anymore
It feels too heavy
I'm swimming in an ocean of lost chances
And loving you is a lead weight
That's sinking me to the bottom
I smoked all evening
The smell of cigarettes and despair follows me through the hallways
It isn't deterred by closed doors or sweet-smelling perfume
I'm ****** up today
And you aren't here to see it

*The Suicide Diaries

My best kept secret
Is that I love you
So much that sometimes it frightens me
And I enjoy my time
Spent wasting nights in your bed
Just please remember darling
I like bruises on my thighs
Not my arms
And there are boundaries
You just shouldn't push

Twist me into pretty little knots
Like the ones
your fingers
Left in
my hair
Like the ones
Your words
Left in
  My stomach
What can I offer to make you stay?
Nothing you say -
It seems that nothing
Is everything that I am these days
But I'm afraid
You can't even have that

So I'll let you
Inside of me instead
And I'll moan
Right into - your ear
Do you love me now?

I will cut open
my own veins
And give you a taste
Of what's really - inside
Do you love me now?

I will kiss you
Until my lips chafe
And my teeth shatter
Till you - don't want me
Do you love me now?

I scream your name when I sleep
How about now?

I drink your memory like whiskey
How about now?

I think of you alone in the shower
How about now?

I broke myself to please you
How about now?

I will bleed myself dry every day for the rest of this life and the next one if that means that you will love me
How about now?

Do you love me now?

. . . I diluted myself for you
I spoke less and moaned more
I softened my spirit
I offered up yeses that once would've been no's
I held my tongue between *******
And wore pretty pink lace where there once would've been the blackest leather
I put fewer cigarettes between my lips
And instead pressed them together
To keep you from remembering
Why you didn't love me before
I put on an apron
To play my part
I served you smiles on dinner plates
And sipped white wine in place of whiskey
I put hearts in a lunch box
To keep you company through the day
Then mourned who I once was
While you were away

. . . I thought that if I was softer
More feminine
More pure
That you would be kinder
That I would fit better in your arms
That if I didn't talk back
My lips would taste sweeter
That you would listen when I spoke
I thought that if I became weak
We could be strong
That if slaughtered my Independence
And laid it to rest at your feet
That you would want to stroke my hair like you once had
When I stopped standing my ground
In the kitchen where I performed
And let the peanut gallery at the table
Critique my every adjective
Only to curtsey before their taunts
That when doors closed
You would whisper that I had done well
That your heart had space for me again
I thought that maybe if I hid it when I bled
You would leave the whiskey alone and finally come to bed

. . . But instead
I committed a ******
I killed the woman that I loved
I took a spirit and trapped it in a box made of yes dears and I'm sorries
By replacing her combat boots with pointe shoes
And her pride with warm baked cookies
I slit her throat with a knife made of compromises
Chained her ankles to the kitchen table and forced her to dance before lesser beings
I made an arrangement of the wild roses that made up her lips
And left her unprotected without any thorns
Then cut out her tongue and made her watch
in stunned silence
when you trampled through the garden with clumsy careless feet
I murdered the woman that I used to be
Sacrificed everything just to find that you never loved me . . .



. . . But fear not, even the goldfish who lies belly up can swim again . . .

Do you miss me tonight, darling?
While I'm a thousand miles away drenched in sweat
The taste of him still lingers on my lips
The bruises you left covered by his own
The insides of my thighs and the side of my neck
Black and blue from the love he stole from you
*I bet you can't wait to taste him on me

Hold me tonight.
I'm shaking and I can't sit still.
My sadness bounces off the walls.
It echos in my mind and settles in my chest.
It's heavy and it sloshes in my lungs.
Steals my breath and robs me of my smile.
My fingers twitch with wanting.
For something to hold on to.
So I can keep from falling off the edge.
Into the empty caverns that sit behind my eyes.
My lips quiver.
They feel bare without a cigarette pressed between them.
Letting me breathe again if only for a moment.
A moment so wonderfully deadly.
That I never want it to end.
Hold me tonight.
Before I slip away.

Hurry home to me
I have dinner on the table
And ***** in the freezer
Your side of the bed is cold as ice
And my lips are longing to explore you
I can't wait till you get here

2am and he asks if I want to ****
With no attempt to butter me up

I tell him it all depends on time
It's funny, he doesn't ask to be mine

He tells me he has all the time in the world
I start to wonder if I'm that kind of girl

I tell him not to waste his gas
I guess he thinks I'm a great piece of ***

He baits me with promises of fun
Yet he doesn't try to convince me that he's the one

I tell him that I'm going to bed
He's not getting into my head

He says we'll talk another day
Only if I want it that way

I love it when he asks if I want to **** and smoke
It makes me feel special . . . or like the **** of a joke

I will tell
Anyone who asks
That I love you
But I will tell
Anyone who doesn't
That I don't
Because I offer lies
But reward questions
With the truth

***** This

We made hearts from rocks on the shore of our favorite lake
I made love to you while we painted our front room
We spent endless amounts of time kissing in the forest
I kissed your neck lovingly and often
We cooked dinner together, there was so much pasta
We spent a lot of time waking up together, but not a lot of time sleeping
We had a fluffy white cat and a white front door
Our little house in the woods was home
I was cold and you were warm
We drank too much whiskey and ***** straight from the bottle
You used to get jealous
Your fingers were always in my hair or on my hips
I spent a thousand hours laying on your chest
I waited for you
Christmas was our season
You love lemon bars
I wore your sweatshirts
In my mind you will always be in Boston
The snow outside our house was always icy, it crunched under our feet
We never got to finish anything we started
You drove a nice car
I used to trace hearts on your chest with my fingertips
You used to give speeches about how much you loved me
I reminded you of sunshine
You smelled like home
I died every moment without you
We don't speak of Jon
I still think of you first when I think of wolves
You called me Alice
I wanted nothing more than to be her
You strayed from me once
You would try to leave when you got angry
I looked up at you from under my lashes
I liked to kiss you softly
You held me tight, like I was slipping away
We started smoking around the same time
You were my escape
I was yours
We spent most of our time together at night or on the weekends
Holidays were our days
You left but I always waited for you
Your smile was always woofish, but you were always petting my hair
You wanted to talk about kids
I wanted you to come home
You offered me the chance at the life we'd built
You told me the truth once and it was always there in the back of my mind
Even though our world was make believe, it was real to me
This year would mark 9 years
I miss you every single day
I don't know how to escape all the feelings I have for you
You're not what I pictured, but you're so beautiful
Who we are fits together
I was the one running for a little while
I have no way to reach you now
You won't let me buy the pieces of art that you create now, painting instead of helping me make worlds out of nothing
You broke my heart again not too long ago
Because I can't reach you to let you know that I love you, Jenny
Even though You Lied, Love

I dreamt of you last night
With your long hair
And your crooked smile
I asked you when you lost hope
When you stopped believing that I love you
You never gave me an answer
You just kissed my lips
And stroked my hair
Just like you used to
Then disappeared
When I opened my eyes
I wasn't in your bed
Or wrapped in your arms
He was breathing slowly
Into the crook of my neck
And it felt wrong
But it felt right
And I just wanted you to know
That I miss you
And I love you still
But I'm not a child any longer
I don't want to play with you anymore
I'll let you go
To find better things
To forget me
And how I taste
The sounds I make when I sleep
The shudders I offered
When you kissed my neck
Just never stop believing
That I love you
Because I do
I promise you I do