It's been a year.

Since I lost myself.

To be with him.

To start the journey through hell.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I would never had said yes.

I can see the ghost of myself, laughing happily,
through the mirror of regret.

Here I am, destroyed. Devastated. Lost.

I wish I knew what I signed up for.

The worst year of my life.

If only I knew..

I've never felt this guilt before.

I might ruin your life.

But you've ruined mine.

You destroyed me.

Yet I feel like I'm the one to blame.

It's your sins, yet they feel like mine.

You always put them on me.

But this time you're gonna pay for them.

So why am I the one carrying the heavy weight?

Don't let the guard down, don't let the guard down.

I'm already standing too close to the fire.

I can feel the heat and yet l can't back away.

What if it's not meant to burn me?

Frozen to the ground I stand, waiting.

Hoping the flames aren't meant for me.

I heard death calling for me as I layed there in the hospital bed.

His voice came closer, and I could feel his cold breath on my face.

He tried to convince me to give in to him.

I wanted to go, that was my goal.

But something inside me told me it's not my time yet.

I fought back and somehow I'm still alive.

Watching people go on with their lives,
not knowing that today I planned to be dead.

I don't even see you anymore, I mean I do, but I don't.

I only have eyes for him now.

Your brown eyes have lost their power to me.

They no longer make my legs weak, they make them heavier.

I saw you last night, and I froze with fear.

But I have him, he is my safe place.

When he holds my hand while walking down the street I feel indestructable.

I glaze over my shoulder, and I see that you don't even fit in his shadow.

I feel your gaze burning.

And I can't stop smiling towards the sun.

I'm a walking disaster.

Every now and then I find something great,
but as soon as I come close it turns into darkness.
It's my curse.

Always searching for the light.
But I can only watch it from afar.
Everytime I try to get close my darkness is killing the light.
I want to be there, in the middle of the light, but I can't.
So I stay far away, watching, dreaming, of another life.
Where I can be the light.

Waves, like hands comforting the dry rocks.

My stone cold heart.

He promised me to always be my wave.

Everytime I'm about to dry out he's there.

Washing away all fear.

When I'm about to suffocate, he changes direction.

Allowing me to breathe.

Exposing me to the sun.

Like clockwork he's there again, soaking me.

In a few hours I'll be standing face to face with him for the first time.

The boy with the dangerous brown eyes..

The boy who wants to be by my side although he knows I'm just scattered pieces.

There's something about him.

He's slowly melting my heart.

I can feel the butterflies frozen in ice starting to move again.

Such a wierd, scary feeling that I can't stop.

I feel myself giving in,
though I promised myself I wouldn't.

Oh what a dangerous boy..

Death's arms trying to pull me in,
A sweet whisper of a better life.

An encouraging push,
come join us.

Oh, how I long to.
On the verge of leaving it all behind.

Do I dare to let go?

They say home is where the heart is.

But where is my heart?
I can't remember where I left it.

Retracing my steps, constantly searching.

I need to find my heart.

I want to feel home again.

I did everything for you.

I even sacrificed myself.

It didn't mean anything to you.

Nothing was good enough.

You left. And you took me with you.

Trying to accept what isn't meant for me.

That he isn't the one.

There was a time he said he was.

I feel the sad smile on my face.

The wrinkle on my forehead, caused by him.

Even though it wasn't our fate to be

I hope he thinks of me.

When the other girls don't sing along to our songs.

When they don't laugh the way I did.

When they don't get excited about the moon and the stars.

It's selfish,
but I hope he searches for traces of me in all the girls to come.

Twenty minutes pass.

We're still in each others arms.

My tears soaking your hoodie.

I hear you gasp for air.

I feel your tears on my skin.

This is it. Our final hug.

As soon as we let go it's over.

No turning back, to what once was..

Is that why we held on so long?

To prolong our ending?

I kissed you for the last time and let go.

For the last time I saw you leave my place.

The door closed, and our relationship with it.

Left are scattered memories and moments.

Our story's over, our time is frozen from now on.

No future, only flashbacks.

Trying to run in the dark, cold night but my bleeding feet won't allow it.

My face is covered in tears and make-up, my body's shaking in fear.

It's 3AM on New years eve.

I feel so alone and broken.

Why did you let me go?
How could you let me leave?

I chose you once again,
you let me go like too many times before.

Not even a word to show that you care if I'm okey.

I wished for 2019 to show our fate.

It did.

Three hours in, I saw it all so clear.

I'm now letting you go.

The grey area is not for me.

I'm made for bright colours,
colours that you ruin with darkness.

Farewell, my grey area.

I thank you for killing my feelings for you, at last.

There's a storm inside of me.
One I can't control.
And suddenly there you were.
Are you the one I've been looking for?
Can you ride the storm with me?
The hope for love left me a long time ago.
So can I? Can we?

I thought I was over you.

I've been through all the stages.

And yet here you are, still in my mind.

Another process.

Of accepting that I'll never get over you.

How do I ignore the calls from death?
It wants me there.

On the other side of life.

I see my own tears in the mirror.

I feel life leaving my body.

I don't want to be here anymore.

This life isn't for me.

I've fought long enough.
I've always known this is the way I'll go..

Do I finally have the courage?

To leave this all behind, to watch my loved ones from the other side?

If not not, when?
This life isn't for me..

I'm sorry.

Along with the spring sun the memories of my long lost love arises.

The memory fragments are getting pieced back together.

I see him in strangers on the street,
looking for him though I know he's not here..

I know it's stupid, the person I miss no longer exists.

The harsh reality turned my dreams into nightmares.

His lies and deceptions are now haunting me in my sleep.

There's no place left for him and I to be.

Waking up, memories fresh, aching heart.

Lips longing for the bottle, like so many nights before.

Anything to drown the hope of something that'll never be.

And the pain of a time that was..

I wish I could fast forward time.

To where I wake up with the love of my life.

Nagging about who's time it is to check on the kids.

Making breakfast while dancing in the kitchen.

Running late to school cause one of our kids threw a tantrum.

Picking up pizza on a Tuesday, happy to see their excited faces.

Waiting for my man to come home, to hear about his day.

The quiet and peaceful air when our kids are asleep.

Then we can fall asleep in each others arms filled with love.

I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that I have the life I've always wanted.

The song I used to know as ours is playing in the background.

The sun cast shadows on the floor.

In them I see our memories dancing.

Full of life and love.

I look at us and smile.

The sun disappear and so do we.

In the heartache I find comfort that we're still out there.

Still dancing happily, to the world we just can't be seen.

Can you hear me calling for you at night?

Calling your name through the tears.

Can you hear me asking why?

How could you promise me the world, to just wake up and dump me?

Can you hear me?

In the silence I have my answer.

As the rain hits my window I feel comfort in my loneliness.

Safe from the storm, I listen.

The chaos from the outside calms my own.

The sound drowns the thoughts in my head.

I close my eyes.

Is this how my inner storm would sound?

Looking back, I miss it.
Life before you.

When not every song was about you.
The days I still believed in foolish love.

The times I thought I knew loneliness,
I thought I knew heartache.

I knew nothing before you...

I've wasted years, trying to numb the pain.

But in the end the same truth hits me.

I'll never feel that type of love again.

And honestly, I don't want to.

You took and I gave, oh I gave too much.

Loving you killed me.

I'm totally unprepared for what's to come..

"It's best for us to break up".

A decision neither of us could stand for.

The love is obvious while hearing each other cry in silence for hours.

"We'll talk face to face tomorrow".

Words that can make a day feel like eternity.

I dread, yet long to see him.

The traces of tears from yesterday still shows on my face.

Will tomorrow make them even more visible?

I can't predict the outcome, at all.

Not knowing is draining..

Not knowing if he'll hold me in his arms ever again..

Not knowing if I'll feel his lips against mine again..

Not knowing if he'll ever be my partner again..

Not knowing if he ever was?

I guess my destiny will point me in the right direction.

While standing on tomorrow's crossroads.

Am I as good as her?

Or will I never beat her?

How much do I matter?

I can't help myself..

When he looks at me does he think of her?

Wishing she was the one in his arms?

It's a dangerous game I'm playing.

Comparing myself to someone in his story.

Please, please baby.

Stay where you are.

I haven't seen her this happy in a long time.

Your mother to be.

She's been fighting for months and months.

Watching that stick for minutes that don't seem to end.

Crying her eyes out when that strip doesn't appear.

I''ve seen pieces of her die as she's lost others before you.

So I beg you baby.

Stay.

Don't lose a mother like her, no one could love you more.

I beg you, fight.

And stay.

I used my triggers again.
To check my feelings.

Our songs and pictures of you.
I felt nothing.

Somehow it's frustrating.
To feel nothing at all.

I never thought I'd get over you.
It seems like I did.

In a way I feel sad.
Cause you don't mean anything anymore..

I thought you'd always keep a piece of my heart.
But I've let you go completely.

That hurts too.

I think I'm finally letting you go.

Letting go of the inner conflict.

Knowing that a simple "Hey" will cause a fight.

You're here, but I have to shut you out.

To save myself.

To leave room for a new love.

I've told myself that it's you, but it'll never be.

I'm starting to accept that you're just a memory now.

What we had is gone.

No matter how I try to fight for you, it doesn't matter.

You no longer exist.

I'm holding on and letting go.

If only I saw this coming..
..maybe the feeling of getting my heart ripped out wouldn't hurt that much.

If only I saw it coming..
..maybe I wouldn't feel this betrayed.

If only I knew..
..I wouldn't have given into fake love.

If only I'd known..
..I would've walked away.

If only..

I wish I knew.

You're so shy and careful around me.

But by the way your eyes are filled with fire when you look at me,

it feels like you've already kissed me.

Either you're the brightest star and I'm the one not shining as much, always living in the shadow of you. Or I'm the brighter one and you're so far away you're not even showing on the night sky.

You made me love you.

Then you made me hate myself for it.

Not knowing the future is what's keeping the dreams alive.