The thing about life
is that you feel a lot of things
but most of all
you feel like an extra in the movie of your life.

You ask me how I feel
And I feel everything
You ask me how I feel
Yet I say nothing

“For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9 NIV)

We could only die.
That is all we could do.
Let ourselves be burnt
to the sound of roaring flames.

He loved us so much,
that when He saw the tongues of fire
that sputtered by our feet
and bit at our own ankles
and knew that we could only die in the flames.
He burned himself
with the hope we’d all escape,
but never the guarantee.

My heart has turned catatonic.
I’m ready to explode.
All it takes is one good touch
and I’m ready to implode,
but I won’t admit it
untill I have given up my all.

It’s another late night
with these thoughts in my head,
with a cup of coffee I probably shouldn’t had,
with these dreams I’m squeezing, trying to not let ‘em go.

I stumbled upon
the world
in your eyes
as the green and blue
swirled together.

I had a dream last night.
You were there.
Right next to me.
And then you said,
“You know the feeling?”
And I asked,
with a feeling in my gut
that I couldn’t forget,
“which one?”
And you whispered,
“You know the feeling you get
when you love someone?”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

Someone once caught me dreaming
With no where to hide
And they asked me what feeling
I was feeling inside
So I told them I was sleeping
For no one could bide

I open my mouth
wrestling the words off my tongue
like they are passengers
that refuse to walk their plank.
and when I finally think I’ve pushed
them
off
into the storming sea should they go—
dissolved by the darkness of the waves
and the crescendo of the foam.
but nothing dares stumble out in the land between my lips,
instead the passengers find themselves
to the vacuum of hopelessness
that awaits it.

Night like these
The lights turn off
And it feels like someone’s hand clenches my stomach
Twisting and twisting and twisting it into a perfect knot
And I can’t untie it
Nights like these

Something is wrong
Something feels wrong inside me
Like the jigsaw puzzle of my heart has lost a piece
And it is somewhere hidden deep inside of me
Yet I can’t find it

My heart beats way too fast
And I am not sure how long my facade will last
But I do know it will not outlast
This something wrong

I can’t shake it
The something wrong

I can’t sleep
In this cheap motel room
Where I’m too short to see out the peep hole
my grandmother brought what she calls a night light
Most people call it a light
I call it no sleep
My dad snores
And the light is bright
And I can’t sleep
So I’ll say goodnight

nights like these
and i think I am okay
for once i hear Your word
my stomach unties
not knots
my mind slows
not races
my body rests
not tires
and i know i am okay
for i can feel Your hand of peace holding me
and i know You will never let me go

I don’t understand why I can’t keep it hidden
It’s so clear it’s so obvious
that what you hide
isn’t truly kept hidden
But you place it in a glass box
pretending as if no one can see
Everyone sees
but everyone says nothing
because nothing is better than everything
because everything is what you hide
and sometimes
I wish
I were
everything

all it takes
is one touch
from Him
and i am
okay

New Years
New You

New Fears
New Blue

We all wish to be painted in new colors
But we don’t always get to choose

My heart is heavy
and it’s weighing on my soul,
which is screaming,
getting out of control,
and now I am bleeding.
I am no longer full,
as my heart is reeling
because I feel nothing at all.

the shadows of the morning
grow long and wide

they are the last bits of darkness in our world
as the night turns to dawn

the shadows
they tell me

“this is what hope is”

and I ask back
curious to know

“how do you know hope?”

I was confused
how could a shadow know anything of hope

the shadow responded
all so suddenly

“after the long night
there will always be dawn”

and with that
the shadows disappeared into the light

Cursed be the dreamer.
Cursed be the one who runs towards the open flame hoping they can dowse it.
Because that’s the thing.
Not all flames want to be quenched.
Some just want to burn.

And this is going to end in flames.
I feel it.
I feel it somewhere deep within my bones.
Our fate is embedded in the marrow.
I can’t change a single thing.
No matter how much I dream.

I believe
There is a difference between
Lying
And being afraid
To tell the
Truth

And that’s why
I cannot simply
Do one

I play this game with myself
It’s in then out
Up then down
When flying turns to falling
and then back to flying again

It’s alone
then sadness
then panic
and then all over again
all over again

Nights like these
When my stomach hurts like that
And the light seems to bend around the room in funny ways
And I can’t every seem to fall asleep
Nights like these
When nothing is ever right

Something has began to chill
As if we were holding still.
Waiting, as we watched who would fall
And pray they weren’t among us all.

I’m scared to turn off the lights
For with no light
Then comes the darkness
For with only darkness
Then comes the nightmares
I’m scared to turn off the lights

I’m pacing back and forth in the bathroom
And I have a headache
And I’m not sure if I can breathe anymore anyways
And that’s it
That’s it

At least I think.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
How do you erase what is in ink?
I say, yet you don’t understand.
The words I said.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And the words I dread.
I say, yet you understand.
Will do more than suffice.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And yet I must pay the price.
I say, yet you don’t understand.

What about the words I do not say?
Where do they endlessly play and play?
Floating somewhere in my head?
Showing up somewhere full of dread?
The trash is already full and-
My mind cannot take such a demand
So the only place I have is on the tip of my tongue
Yet am I really ready for what that has brung-?
a mountain in which hide caverns of regret-
an ocean with only waves made of sweat
So I just don’t say anything-
Let my words sit there in nothinh
But there they lie ready to fly
With two small lips that are easy to pry
On days I do find myself unprepared
I find was not meant to be said declared
And once my words have reached the air
I am met with only an awkward stare
I wait for the day that I can admit
That I meant it
Every word I ever said
Every last word

My truth stretched into seconds
And then into minutes
Which seems to be taking hours

yet,
     nothing has been said
               and I’m not sure if
                                              I ever will

Is not telling my truth just as bad as lying?
Is it?