I want to hold your hand and never let go
I want to kiss and cuddle and talk
I want to make dinner with you even though I don’t know how to cook
I want to hold you in your worst and in your best
I want to dance through the night in your arms even though I’m scared to dance
I want you to kiss the back of my hands and catch the tears on my cheeks
I want all those late night talks and all the ‘I Love You’s
I want to argue with you about who hangs up first on the phone
I want to count the stars with you and form our own constellations

I want to know all of this
about us

Brother, shall we safely be?
For there is no place to ‘scape a falling tree.

Brother, shall we not hear the sound?
For their trunks of thunder hit the ground.

Brother, shall we lest our sorrow weigh?
For the forest is capped with snow of grey.

Brother, shall we taste the food on our plate?
For we only eat charcoal that lies in our wait.

Brother, shall we claim?
For this forest crumbles for our flame.

Brother, shall we make it past this hour?
For even the forests are hurt by their flowers.

And I take the leap:
        This is what flying feels like
One voice says to me
         This is what falling is
Another voice says

          And I sometimes
                              wonder
                                          which voice I should listen to
          Those are the days
                               I wonder
                                           what flying feels like

           I wonder
                      if I could feel the air in my face
                                                            ­             in my hair
                        spreading my lips into a smile
           Or if all I could feel was an impact
                                       A shattering of bones
                                              A skip of the heartbeat
                                                                ­              and then

           no more....



                                  Was it even worth jumping in the first place then?

If my life last only mere seconds
                                    why even consider it?

                                                               ­   But I think has something to do                              
                                                                ­                        with the difference
                                               between  
                                    living
            ­                                and
                             ­                    barely
                                                        su­rviving

“Divide it among nobody!”
they say,
“Share it with the numbers!
Feed it to the armies that await!
Don’t let the dead starve in their graves-
For they hunger and thirst most of all.
Let the water grace their lips!
Let the it splash upon the despised desert
that once was a field full of flowers.
Let food fill the stomach with a stormful sea!
Let their harbor rest in peace!
For they hunger like a haggard man holding on for hope.
Let them take a breathe and exhale it.
Let their lungs fill with life so they can shout and sing!
Let their brains buzz and be, so ours no longer must!
-For only they have the notes and the lyrics to sing what once was dear!
For they only can sing the long forgotten years!
Let us not forget their voices in vain!”
they shout,
“why should we let their bare bones be satisfied in their somber slumber?
For they only are in alive in a memory,
Only awake in one’s sleep-
And even those shall cease to be!”
They say,
“Please listen to our candid pleas.
We speak for those who do not speak.
Their whispers only leave a faint trace of beguile on a painted cheek
that grow quieter and quieter still.
For they wish to be more than teachers
whose mistakes and triumphs are showcased for all to see.
They wish to be more than di’en.
They wish to be alive like you and me.”

They were wrong.

all it takes
is one touch
from Him
and i am
okay

I play this game with myself
It’s in then out
Up then down
When flying turns to falling
and then back to flying again

It’s alone
then sadness
then panic
and then all over again
all over again

The twinkling stars
Are now oppressed
By the rays of light
That reach the dark
An Arizona sunrise
Is what it is called
And I find that it is
Easy forgive
This sunrise
for waking me

A Night in the Desert
unlike any other night.
This is where the sun gets go heavy
and falls out of sight.

A Night in the Desert
unlike any other night.
This is where the moon shines the brightest
as the stars can all tell

A Night in the Desert
unlike any other night.
This is where moon guides peace towards us
and wishes us all well

A Night in the Desert
unlike any other night.
This is where the water runs little
yet our spirit runs high

A Night in the Desert
unlike any other night.
This is where mountains sleep for us
and the canyons as well

At least I think.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
How do you erase what is in ink?
I say, yet you don’t understand.
The words I said.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And the words I dread.
I say, yet you understand.
Will do more than suffice.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And yet I must pay the price.
I say, yet you don’t understand.

What is being alive?
If not to grow
and I choose to grow
with you

My heart is heavy
and it’s weighing on my soul,
which is screaming,
getting out of control,
and now I am bleeding.
I am no longer full,
as my heart is reeling
because I feel nothing at all.

My heart has turned catatonic.
I’m ready to explode.
All it takes is one good touch
and I’m ready to implode,
but I won’t admit it
untill I have given up my all.

It’s another late night
with these thoughts in my head,
with a cup of coffee I probably shouldn’t had,
with these dreams I’m squeezing, trying to not let ‘em go.

Cursed be the dreamer.
Cursed be the one who runs towards the open flame hoping they can dowse it.
Because that’s the thing.
Not all flames want to be quenched.
Some just want to burn.

And this is going to end in flames.
I feel it.
I feel it somewhere deep within my bones.
Our fate is embedded in the marrow.
I can’t change a single thing.
No matter how much I dream.

I can’t get myself out of my head
Dancing in circles, I can’t catch what I said
Over and over and over again
I catch myself believing that this is the end

I believe
There is a difference between
Lying
And being afraid
To tell the
Truth

And that’s why
I cannot simply
Do one

I flip through my notebook
of empty pages,
and I can imagine
the way they would
full of color
my color,
but I am afraid to ruin one page.
So I just flip through my notebook
of empty pages.

I don’t understand why I can’t keep it hidden
It’s so clear it’s so obvious
that what you hide
isn’t truly kept hidden
But you place it in a glass box
pretending as if no one can see
Everyone sees
but everyone says nothing
because nothing is better than everything
because everything is what you hide
and sometimes
I wish
I were
everything

What about the words I do not say?
Where do they endlessly play and play?
Floating somewhere in my head?
Showing up somewhere full of dread?
The trash is already full and-
My mind cannot take such a demand
So the only place I have is on the tip of my tongue
Yet am I really ready for what that has brung-?
a mountain in which hide caverns of regret-
an ocean with only waves made of sweat
So I just don’t say anything-
Let my words sit there in nothinh
But there they lie ready to fly
With two small lips that are easy to pry
On days I do find myself unprepared
I find was not meant to be said declared
And once my words have reached the air
I am met with only an awkward stare
I wait for the day that I can admit
That I meant it
Every word I ever said
Every last word

The thing about life
is that you feel a lot of things
but most of all
you feel like an extra in the movie of your life.

I stumbled upon
the world
in your eyes
as the green and blue
swirled together.

i feel empty
hollow
as if someone has poked holes in the back of my chest that lead to my heart so that almost everything that makes me me has drained
the blood rushing out like water from a hose
the noozle turned to the maximum

yet i come to You
because I know everything else won’t do
nothing else will cure me
because everything else just pours more and more into me expecting that i’ll be someday filled
yet that day never comes
because while it might feel good for a second
I feel more drained than ever

but than i come to You
and You patch my holes
and heal my scars
and then fill me up to the brim
with more than i will ever need

I look forward
to the day
that I can say goodnight
but not
goodbye

I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
where I see stretch marks
because my stomach swelled
you see change
where I see scars
because life was too much
and I needed to release some of the agony inside me
you see healing
where I am disgusted
you are patient
and sit with me in my pain
and ask to hold my hand

I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
but I understand that you do
and even when your love is beyond me
and I am scared of it
I will be patient
and I will sit with you in my discomfort
and ask to hold your hand

I can’t sleep
In this cheap motel room
Where I’m too short to see out the peep hole
my grandmother brought what she calls a night light
Most people call it a light
I call it no sleep
My dad snores
And the light is bright
And I can’t sleep
So I’ll say goodnight

You ask me how I feel
And I feel everything
You ask me how I feel
Yet I say nothing

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because I need you right by my side
If I must face what is to face

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I face what is inside
I might need you to be my brace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I need someone to hide
All the ghosts I see, it’d be my ace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I get caught up in the tide
I’d need you to bring me down from space

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because when my hands are seldom tied
I’d need you to come unlace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if there is someone to be alongside
You’d be in just the right place

Because if you are Horatio,
let me be Hamlet

I had a dream last night.
You were there.
Right next to me.
And then you said,
“You know the feeling?”
And I asked,
with a feeling in my gut
that I couldn’t forget,
“which one?”
And you whispered,
“You know the feeling you get
when you love someone?”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

I had a dream last night.
You were next to me
And I had to kiss you
Just because
you were too you.

You kissed me back
But then you pulled away
“Wait,”
You said,
“Wait,
I gotta tell you something.”
You went on and on about some uncle
Until you finnaly got to the point
“I love you”
and I kissed you
and you kissed me
And I pulled away
To say
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

I had a dream last night.
You came up to me
and brushed my hair behind me ear
and you whispered something.
Something.

It was quiet as a summer breeze,
warm and slow and gentle,
but I couldn’t hear it quite properly.
“Can you say that again?”
So you did it all again.
You brushed my hair away from my ear
and leaned in
and whispered,
“I love you.”
I blushed red;
my lips stretched to smile.

You left a kiss on my cheek
before you drew away.
Your hand still in my hair,
your kiss still lingered on my cheek,
and on my cheek was the blush still painted.
I stumbled with my words-
they fell straight from my mouth
like raindrops-
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

Your lips pulled at mine
******* me forward
Your mouth a vortex
A vaccumn in the cavern
And somehow
I think I gave it light