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Jean Aug 2018
If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because I need you right by my side
If I must face what is to face

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I face what is inside
I might need you to be my brace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I need someone to hide
All the ghosts I see, it’d be my ace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I get caught up in the tide
I’d need you to bring me down from space

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because when my hands are seldom tied
I’d need you to come unlace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if there is someone to be alongside
You’d be in just the right place

Because if you are Horatio,
let me be Hamlet
Composed sometime in 2018.
2.1k · Feb 2022
Hold Your Hand
Jean Feb 2022
I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
where I see stretch marks
because my stomach swelled
you see change
where I see scars
because life was too much
and I needed to release some of the agony inside me
you see healing
where I am disgusted
you are patient
and sit with me in my pain
and ask to hold my hand

I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
but I understand that you do
and even when your love is beyond me
and I am scared of it
I will be patient
and I will sit with you in my discomfort
and ask to hold your hand
2.27.22
1.4k · Feb 2022
Goodnight/Goodbye
Jean Feb 2022
I look forward
to the day
that I can say goodnight
but not
goodbye
2.23.22
724 · Feb 2022
Tonight
Jean Feb 2022
Tonight you sat down
Scouring through love letters
written by your grandparents
Johnny was in the Philippines
And Ena was back home
I wish I were there with you
No mask
No distance
I wish I were there with you
Pouring over love letters and
Not needing to write them
2.22.22
595 · Mar 2022
Being Alive
Jean Mar 2022
What is being alive?
If not to grow
and I choose to grow
with you
3.1.22
553 · Jul 2018
A Plumeria Plant
Jean Jul 2018
I want to grow a plumeria plant
right outside my window

I want it to blossom and to thrive
to look at the beautiful flowers and sigh

Yet I am afraid I will **** it
since I have always had the opposite of a green thumb

I want to grow a plumeria plant
right outside my window
437 · Feb 2022
poem in stats
Jean Feb 2022
bored out of my mind
i already get this
please get me out of here
i want to talk to you
2.24.22
300 · Mar 2022
Unbarring
Jean Mar 2022
this unbarring of my soul
that’s called poetry
Is a stripping off of my clothes
and showing you the hidden parts of me
and I want you to see me
I want you to see me
and all my scars
and all my stretch marks
I want you to see my anger and my pain
I want you to see my weakness and my sin
I want you to see my joy
Because in the end it all points back to Him
and that is the most beautiful thought
Most beautiful thought
2.28.22
299 · Apr 2019
Hanging by a Thread
Jean Apr 2019
I’m hanging by a thread
and the rope is close to snapping,
but I’m not sure if it is a thing of despair
or hopefulness.
Composed 4.24.19
288 · Mar 2022
clouds in the sky
Jean Mar 2022
I’m scared of this
What’s between us
I think you deserve better than me
You’re going to say it’s not true
And I’ll believe you
I’ll believe you

I’m in the stage
where I am intimidated by you
and
by what we have
and
by what you mean to me

This fear will pass though
Like clouds in the sky
they will pass by
this will pass by
3.2.22
283 · Jun 2019
Fine China
Jean Jun 2019
My heart is in pieces.
It’s crumbling.
My heart is in pieces.
It’s shattering
as if it were glass thrown against the ground,
as if it were a fine china that had been beat by a hammer.
It feels like it can never be put back together.
Composed 6.25.19
279 · Aug 2018
My Own Way to Burn
Jean Aug 2018
Maybe this is my story?

This is where I chose if I live or die
if I do what is wrong or right

but even in my death
I will raise my voice

my time is almost up

so hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the masses of people

hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the canyons of those who crouch in cowardice

hopefully
hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the spaces of the silent still too scared to speak

Hopefully

hopefully my cry of defiance
will echo farther than ever before

hopefully

hopefully people will not only hear my shout
but that their hearts will listen also

and hopefully

hopefully
hopefully a few will stand up
Inspired by Hans and Sophie Scholl.

This is not the full poem either, but this is one of my favorite parts.
259 · Jul 2018
Filled to the Brim
Jean Jul 2018
i feel empty
hollow
as if someone has poked holes in the back of my chest that lead to my heart so that almost everything that makes me me has drained
the blood rushing out like water from a hose
the noozle turned to the maximum

yet i come to You
because I know everything else won’t do
nothing else will cure me
because everything else just pours more and more into me expecting that i’ll be someday filled
yet that day never comes
because while it might feel good for a second
I feel more drained than ever

but than i come to You
and You patch my holes
and heal my scars
and then fill me up to the brim
with more than i will ever need
250 · Jun 2018
About Us
Jean Jun 2018
I want to hold your hand and never let go
I want to kiss and cuddle and talk
I want to make dinner with you even though I don’t know how to cook
I want to hold you in your worst and in your best
I want to dance through the night in your arms even though I’m scared to dance
I want you to kiss the back of my hands and catch the tears on my cheeks
I want all those late night talks and all the ‘I Love You’s
I want to argue with you about who hangs up first on the phone
I want to count the stars with you and form our own constellations

I want to know all of this
about us
245 · May 2018
Sokoro and Nuru
Jean May 2018
Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
Sokoro - no claws; Nuru's not tall
and everyone can only seem to discuss their flaws
Together they escape; together they replace
the memories which they wish they could erase

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
'Sokoro! Do not play with a giraffe! You are a lion!' a mother growls
'Nuru! Do not play with a lion! You are a giraffe!" a mother scowls
The two playmates dragged from each other
The two playmates wishing to fight their own mother
but Nuru's mother is too strong and Nuru is not tall
but Sokoro's mother is strong and Sokoro has no claws

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru: for how they have grown!
They have started to repeat what they have been shown
Sokoro with claws and Nuru with height
where they once used to play now they fight

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro prowls and hides in the grasses
the lion waits for what does stand as is
Nuru- now tall- eats the leaves from the marula trees
nothing yet spotted to put it out of ease

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru, now predator and prey
under the marula trees, where they once used to play
they were once told: 'This is how it is meant to be'
and now neither of them will ever be free

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, where no one will ever win
This poem was inspired by the Kenyan wood carvings of a giraffe and lion that sit on my desk. I named the giraffe Nuru, which means 'light' in Swahili, and the lion Sokoro, a Kenyan name that means 'the lucky one'.
242 · Sep 2018
A Feast of Red and Gray
Jean Sep 2018
Brother, shall we safely be?
For there is no place to ‘scape a falling tree.

Brother, shall we not hear the sound?
For their trunks of thunder hit the ground.

Brother, shall we lest our sorrow weigh?
For the forest is capped with snow of grey.

Brother, shall we taste the food on our plate?
For we only eat charcoal that lies in our wait.

Brother, shall we claim?
For this forest crumbles for our flame.

Brother, shall we make it past this hour?
For even the forests are hurt by their flowers.
Composed on 9.6.18.
241 · Oct 2018
Lethe
Jean Oct 2018
Anxiety.
It drops down the back of my neck
like water,
but not water.
It’s like water from the river Lethe.
It makes me forget
what I know to be true.
It makes me forget
the truths that I should know,
the truths that you tell me,
and the truths that are undeniable, still-

I am forced to drink
from the River Lethe.
Composed 10.24.18
Jean Feb 2019
“Are you okay?“
somebody asks me.
“Yes.”
I tell them,
but I wish I weren’t lying.
Composed 2.17.19
232 · Nov 2018
She is Spiraling
Jean Nov 2018
And she is spiraling
faster and faster
and the longer it lasts
the more she knows she’s falling down
and the less she can do to stop it-
-the less I can do to stop it.
Composed 11.2.18
228 · May 2018
Moonlight and Sun
Jean May 2018
a boy made of moonlight
a girl sinking in sun
the cosmos their hometown
the stars are their ghosts
running from what they have known

but when they meet
all the stars disappeared
only them in the cosmos
and nothing but themselves to fear
225 · Oct 2018
Relapse
Jean Oct 2018
Relapse.
Is that what this is?
I’m drowning instead of breathing again.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I’m feeling more awake than alive.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I no longer have feeling inside.
Composed 10.28.18
219 · Oct 2018
Allegro
Jean Oct 2018
I have feet.
They get my flow.

Their freedom- they often forgo
to move me to and fro.

They never slow,
but I admit, although,

they pursue an allegro,
they will always fall just bellow.
Composed 10.8.18
216 · Jul 2018
Love Sick
Jean Jul 2018
My heart is on fire
My eyes admire
They called it dire
And I must admit, this plan has backfired

For my body has tired
And I am forced retire
To the fact that I cannot be a liar

For I am sick
Love sick for you
209 · May 2018
Air
Jean May 2018
Air
And I take the leap:
        This is what flying feels like
One voice says to me
         This is what falling is
Another voice says

          And I sometimes
                              wonder
                                          which voice I should listen to
          Those are the days
                               I wonder
                                           what flying feels like

           I wonder
                      if I could feel the air in my face
                                                            ­             in my hair
                        spreading my lips into a smile
           Or if all I could feel was an impact
                                       A shattering of bones
                                              A skip of the heartbeat
                                                                ­              and then

           no more....



                                  Was it even worth jumping in the first place then?

If my life last only mere seconds
                                    why even consider it?

                                                               ­   But I think has something to do                              
                                                                ­                        with the difference
                                               between  
                                    living
            ­                                and
                             ­                    barely
                                                        su­rviving
Jean May 2019
And though you feel like
you have been handed a grenade
with the pin pulled out,
you don’t know that I plan to jump on it
and take all the shrapnel and metal for you
so there is no need to worry, darling,
I am already
over you.
Composed 5.18.19
202 · Apr 2019
Here, Here
Jean Apr 2019
“Here, here. This way!”
A voice calls
and I follow.
Composed 4.1.19
202 · Oct 2018
I Want to Write Something
Jean Oct 2018
I want to write something.
I want to feel the words dripping from my fingers
like they are a faucet of poetry.
I want to feel all the similes and metaphors
run through my veins.
I want to write something.
Composed 10.23.18
199 · Jan 2019
Empty Pages
Jean Jan 2019
I flip through my notebook
of empty pages,
and I can imagine
the way they would
full of color
my color,
but I am afraid to ruin one page.
So I just flip through my notebook
of empty pages.
Composed 1.30.19.

But I do know someone who could color them perfectly.
199 · May 2018
Nights Like These(Part 4)
Jean May 2018
Nights like these
I even tried to take a shower
The water seems to calm me when it comes down in it’s torrents
like the rain
yet that hasn’t worked out the monster that my body tired
my stomach knotted
and my mind racing in unease
Nights like these
198 · Oct 2018
The Painter
Jean Oct 2018
“I’m not the girl I used to be,”
said the observant she.

“I was a once perfect white
and now my skin has bore my fight.”

But what she had realized not
Was what the Painter thought.

For what she saw to be an ending
was what He saw to be the beginning.
Composed on 10.17.18.
189 · Jun 2018
Long Live the Queen
Jean Jun 2018
There is no space for you in this regime
I had thought once and for all that I might truly be queen
but now I am forced to share my throne with a beast

now only the silence meets my screams
it sits me down for a meal that I must eat
my throne at the end of the table no longer my seat

the hand of night seldom brings
the rest and beauty of the now lost dream
my mind is only sieged in sleep

nothing I say will bring me peace
saving, no longer, can be decreed
not as long as you can speak

and as I weep
for your feet are those of a thief
yet you are not the one to flee
you have made your story one to believe

no, no, you are not welcome in this regime
there is only one crown and only one queen
186 · Aug 2018
I’ve Made it this Far
Jean Aug 2018
I doubt I will ever make it on that stage.
I have too many fears
As my own worst bane
I’ve made it this far
I won’t let my efforts end in vain
Look what I have to gain
Even if it ends in pain

I won’t hold myself back
No I won’t hold myself back
this was written for a character weeks ago.
186 · Jul 2018
An Arizona Sunrise
Jean Jul 2018
The twinkling stars
Are now oppressed
By the rays of light
That reach the dark
An Arizona sunrise
Is what it is called
And I find that it is
Easy forgive
This sunrise
for waking me
185 · Oct 2018
Today, God Gave Me Shoes
Jean Oct 2018
Today I met God at a crossroads

At first I stood there alone
My feet were bare
My heart my own

I looked at both paths
That lay before me
Both straight- both flat

I turned to my guide
And tried to ask
“Which should I decide?”

Yet before I could speak
Or make a sound
He knew what I should have seeked

“For these two paths are not yours
For they end the same,
They have no lure,
But there is a better one.”

Then I saw a brand new path
With shards of pain and shattered glass.
He showed me a rocky footpath.

“This one is yours.” He said.
“You will find Heaven at the end.”
I felt my heart fill with dread.

“But my feet will burn
From all the cuts.
How am I to walk this one?”

“You must walk with me.”
He said.
With my question answered, he let me be.

At first I thought I was alone
But then I found my heart resewn
It was no longer my own

Then down I looked
To my feet
And I found them covered

Today,
God gave me shoes.
Composed 10.3.18
Jean Sep 2018
I had a dream last night.
You were next to me
And I had to kiss you
Just because
you were too you.

You kissed me back
But then you pulled away
“Wait,”
You said,
“Wait,
I gotta tell you something.”
You went on and on about some uncle
Until you finnaly got to the point
“I love you”
and I kissed you
and you kissed me
And I pulled away
To say
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.
Composed on 9.28.18
180 · Mar 2019
The Foot of Your Cross
Jean Mar 2019
Lord please meet me here
at the foot of your cross.

I will bow down
right before you,
sing my praise
to your name.
For uou have done
such great things for us.
You have called
your heaven down
to the broken world below you.
O! You cleanse
me to the shade
of your innocence.
For you heal the world
after we broke it.

Lord please meet me here
at the foot of your cross.
Composed 3.21.19
179 · Aug 2018
In a Room Full of Twelve
Jean Aug 2018
In a room full of twelve
It felt like eleven
Lonely isn’t the word
I would use to describe it
People were there
But I couldn’t bring myself to use them
People were there
But I couldn’t let my walls away from me
People were there
But I couldn’t let myself lean on them

That’s why I can’t ever go back to that island
I cannot be alone again
Something that happened years ago, yet I can’t ever forget.
175 · Sep 2018
Imagine
Jean Sep 2018
Your lips pulled at mine
******* me forward
Your mouth a vortex
A vaccumn in the cavern
And somehow
I think I gave it light
Composed on 8.31.18.
172 · Oct 2018
Tangible
Jean Oct 2018
I felt my life
It flashed before my eyes
I felt it slip away
Like it was a tangible thing
Something that sprints and runs and flees

But it’s okay
But it’s okay now
Composed 10.6.18
170 · Aug 2018
Masterpiece Disaster
Jean Aug 2018
Have you ever felt like you were only accidental paint strokes on a canvas?
Just an some indesirable smudge in the corner of some work that would be great if it didn't have the blemish.
Didn’t have the Mistake.
Or a broken masterpiece disaster of a painting, that sits in the back corner of a dusty old museum storage room.
this was written for a character weeks ago.


I need to sleep
168 · Feb 2019
Song of The Silence
Jean Feb 2019
I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I refuse to accept it’s invitation to it’s welcome embrace,
in which I would suffocate.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I will not join in its catastrophic symphony of darkness
no matter how tempting the sound.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I dare not risk meeting the mute of that gently wrapped bed,
no matter how much I need the sleep.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
Not if it means leaving you.
Composed 2.20.19
165 · Oct 2018
Dancing in Circles
Jean Oct 2018
I can’t get myself out of my head
Dancing in circles, I can’t catch what I said
Over and over and over again
I catch myself believing that this is the end
Composed 8.28.18
159 · Sep 2018
A Lament of What Was Left
Jean Sep 2018
“Divide it among nobody!”
they say,
“Share it with the numbers!
Feed it to the armies that await!
Don’t let the dead starve in their graves-
For they hunger and thirst most of all.
Let the water grace their lips!
Let the it splash upon the despised desert
that once was a field full of flowers.
Let food fill the stomach with a stormful sea!
Let their harbor rest in peace!
For they hunger like a haggard man holding on for hope.
Let them take a breathe and exhale it.
Let their lungs fill with life so they can shout and sing!
Let their brains buzz and be, so ours no longer must!
-For only they have the notes and the lyrics to sing what once was dear!
For they only can sing the long forgotten years!
Let us not forget their voices in vain!”
they shout,
“why should we let their bare bones be satisfied in their somber slumber?
For they only are in alive in a memory,
Only awake in one’s sleep-
And even those shall cease to be!”
They say,
“Please listen to our candid pleas.
We speak for those who do not speak.
Their whispers only leave a faint trace of beguile on a painted cheek
that grow quieter and quieter still.
For they wish to be more than teachers
whose mistakes and triumphs are showcased for all to see.
They wish to be more than di’en.
They wish to be alive like you and me.”

They were wrong.
Composed on 9.6.18, when I should have been taking notes.
Jean May 2018
a door has been opened
in the hallway of the everlasting night
and magic flooded through

with it came the shooting stars
the full moon
the solar system
the falling meteors
each and every constellation
and all that makes sitting in the night
worth the dark
155 · Aug 2018
Surviving Another Day
Jean Aug 2018
I want to hold you like a breath,
Even if it leads to my death.
And I swear that the only place for me
is right beside you.

I’m right behind you.
I’m not a million miles away.
You’re my reason to stay.

Love’s a dangerous game
Some days you have to play
I can’t push my heart away
I can’t keep my love at bay
I want to do more than surviving another day

And I’m soaring
too close to the sun.
A heat wave
That left me undone.
Love was worth it
In the long run
Even if the day is done

The stars are in my eyes
Now that the sun has set
I’ve found my own constellations
I’m not finished yet
Written as a song by someone who doesn’t know to write music.
Also written for a character weeks ago.
154 · May 2019
Human Companionship
154 · Aug 2018
Extra
Jean Aug 2018
The thing about life
is that you feel a lot of things
but most of all
you feel like an extra in the movie of your life.
this was written for a character weeks ago.
Jean Oct 2018
I had a dream last night.
You came up to me
and brushed my hair behind me ear
and you whispered something.
Something.

It was quiet as a summer breeze,
warm and slow and gentle,
but I couldn’t hear it quite properly.
“Can you say that again?”
So you did it all again.
You brushed my hair away from my ear
and leaned in
and whispered,
“I love you.”
I blushed red;
my lips stretched to smile.

You left a kiss on my cheek
before you drew away.
Your hand still in my hair,
your kiss still lingered on my cheek,
and on my cheek was the blush still painted.
I stumbled with my words-
they fell straight from my mouth
like raindrops-
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.
Composed 10.16.18
146 · Aug 2018
Miles Away From An Ocean
Jean Aug 2018
Like the calm before the storm
Like the calm before your sleep
Until the nightmares come
like the waves on a stormful sea
They pull you in without consent
Hooking you with razor-like fingers
You are forced to fully submerge
as the waves pummel you over and over
Just before You are about to drown
You are spit out

after the waves have left your bones bruised
after the waves have left your and skin scarred
a second of relief and a moment of breath
then the waves come again and again without the mercy to let you take a single breath.

Of course
You fight
Like a fish struggling for water
The waves become harder and harder still
Relentless in their beating of you
Their destroying of your Heart
So that you can no longer call it yours
But it’s still beating

Sometimes you begin to think
Maybe if you drown
Maybe you'll wake up
You can't call out for help
your lungs are full of water
Kicking and thrashing only does so much
You can't win because the waves are so much stronger
You can’t see a way out
The sky is devoid of light or signs of life
There is no lifeguard on the shore to see
There is no innocent bystander to call for
There is nothing
There is a void of empty where there should be something
Should be something
Other than the waves and you
And your heart that is no longer yours
But is still beating

All You can do is watch as you drown
From a first person perspective
Watch your body be shattered and ripped to pieces
Underneath each and every wave

But through it all
The only thing you are sure of:
You are drowning miles away from an ocean
But your tears do taste like the spray
Composed over a year ago.
145 · May 2018
Photographs
Jean May 2018
I remember the photos we look at when someone has died
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
Flood back to me
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
That never belonged to me
Yet still
I have them
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