I feel it in my gut
The verge of a panic attack lingering in my heart So I quickly nip it in the ****
It's terrifying feeling it when it hits and mortifying experiencing it while in public
Social acceptance used to be the key
Social acceptance used to control me
It Used to dictate my life
Till I grabbed it by the throat and slit it with my pocket knife
I really just got tired of the need to hide
The real I almost died
Being caught up in a lie
At first I was shy
But hey now I draw attention to it for the world to absorb it with an open eye
I choose not to care
And now people are jealous of me because they think it's not fare
I don't dare let these rude remarks get into my hair
If only they new to get where I am you have to do your time and your share

My minds a jumbled mess
I wanna say it all but all I actually do is say less
I want superman to come save this here mind
But frfr. I think he's resigned
Or maybe I'm not worth of any of his time
I'm drowning in my own thoughts
We train ourselves to act the same and I feel like I'm surrounded by robots
No one will rock the boat
No one will actually stand by me and make sure that I stay afloat
Me speaking my mind to others can't be translated I just sound like a goat
This cruel world is blizzard cold and I can't find my coat
Or maybe it's too small
Right now I'm standing outside and I'm forced to say I don't feel anything at all
Even though we're all cold
No One will come clean and admit it and boy oh boy man is it getting old
I'm done forcing myself to fit into that mold
Even when you scold me because I'm divergent
I cleanse my soul
(breath in)
smell that?
clean like detergent
I'm done letting social acceptance control my life like Ima a servant
Being cool and getting Instagram likes really ain't that important
Wether you got fans or not don't matter *** the world keeps on flowing
Need to stop and think about it "wait"
What direction am I goin
What outcome in life for me is the lord currently bestowing
I wanna be able to look back and ask myself "Hey was it worth it"?
And be able to reply "ya baby you fulfilled your purpose"
Weather or not I'll become successful is a difficult topic
I stay up at night just thinking about it
Dreaming about it
Living it in my mind and I can't even stop myself
I scream and shout about it
No not literally
But mentally
I strain my mind on a daily bases
I feel that up until now my whole life has been suspended by braces
But I don't wanna be strait that's not how he makes us
I don't wanna be another boring book on the boring bookcases
I refuse to be like those faces
Those aliens who have tricked theirselves that what is real is tasteless
Trying to look like ken and Barbie sending theirselves on wild goose chases
You know what this world needs?
Not a revival we have no chance of a survival as long as we live on earth
It's like spilling spaghetti sauce on a white t-shirt
U can't get it out
it will never revert
This pitiful world is in chronicle need of a rebirth

I almost made it to the finish line
but somewhere along I took a wrong turn
segregation’s aftermath still lingering

self inflicted prejudice over one’s skin abstained
self antagonism over one’s curl pattern deeply rooted
self oppugnancy over one’s own race persistent

I know I’m not on the right course
yet blindly I continue
shackling the dependent to me
as i spiral down this cascade

too intimidated to speak out
too worried about social acceptance
too cowardly to admit it

taught that color coding is inferior
but favoritism to a specific color is acceptable


I see police brutality to a specific race
whereas other countries see
Americans killing other Americans

Republicans and Democrats both preach unity
Yet stand divided in one house
but I’m in constant denial
because I was raised as a hypocrite

I want change
but only half of me is willing to fish for that change

it wasn't always the way
minorities didn’t have a voice
so they fought for one

generations later they hoard that voice
locked in a shed
collecting dust

My people have the tools
therefore
don't be fooled
because it’s only a matter of time
before they put them to use
and mold a beautiful sculpture

I see you laying there
starving
sleep deprived  
yearning for a home  
Now of course if I see this
it's not something I'd condone
So I take you in and for once
love is the only thing your shown
But I guess too much love is infectious
My guards down I'm defenseless
As you grow sick
You grow expectant
of me
Of me cleaning your mind with my hand made disinfectant
Of me feeding you
Feeding you with a dish of my famous soul stew
Of me staying up till 4
Staying up because The thought of you asking
and me not having the perfect reply devours me to the core
Of me picking at myself
Picking at my skin to make sure that these arms you call your home are presentable
Of me being selfless
So selfless that I forget to eat and I won't rest because I feel inclined
I HAVE to give you the best
Of me trying to be name brand
Trying to be name brand because you've had enough cheap ones
and so I give you real because for once they will attack and we will remain strong standing hand in hand
But i guess even name brands wear out
Ive been trying to replace the worn pieces with out a doubt
Though
I have no help because of my reputation
I have to make the parts with my bare hands and imagination
Don't worry about me though
I'm done with this hell
My orphanage is going back on the market
Going for sell  
And if there's no one brave enough to step up to the plate then I guess I'll have to blow this house down on my own
It won't even be hard because I'm not like my brother who made his of stone
As I said from the beginning
I see you laying there
starving
sleep deprived  
yearning for a home  
Now of course if I see this
it's not something I'd condone
But baby now My walls are brittle
So I'll just cheer you on
"You got this! Been doing this since you were little."

I don't write uplifting words
my poems are  stones I throw at the soaring birds
Because I'm jealous
Yearning to get that high and it makes me rebellious
All I want is a friend
But y'all just pretend
I invite you to a home
Love you just like kin
And what do I get in return
A back stab and a burn
But just wait
Just wait  youll get yo turn
Think one day you'll learn
That what you get is what you earn
What you dish
Is what you fish
What you leave
Is what you receive
Then one day we can try again
You can try to accompany me

***
That's all I hear
24/7 it's hurting my ear
Every discussion headed towards that direction
And Honestly it's in need of a Correction
Can't have a decent conversation
Patiently waiting for the vaccination  
Need to take a break
a vacation
Lose it at 12 and have a celebration
What's wrong with this generation
Acting like it's just normal recreation
What happened to love
What happened to looking up at the stars high above
It hurts
I'm seen as a tool
These boys they talk to me and they cut a fool
Not a day goes by that someone hasn't asked me to "come through" or "send nudes"
And Honestly I respect myself too much
You can look but don't touch
I don't understand why it's so hard for them to get it
These adolescents they're too hard headed
At first I liked the attention
But now all it causes is tension
Is it beyond your comprehension
I don't wanna rush into *** I wanna connection

It's never good job
Or thank you
Or keep up the good work
U only criticize me for why?
You put on a show for your friends
And Your telling them a lie
That's why after every performance
We as a "family" going out to eat is of great importance
Yet even though it's in "celebration" of me
You force me to go somewhere that I don't even wanna be
Somewhere that I absolutely despise
I'll pretend that I'm not hurt and that its all alright
But it's kinda hard when there aren't any good vibes
The whole time there's ALWAYS arguing
It's like destroying my happiness is all that yall've  been targeting
And there's never any actual congratulating
I'll put my head down because the sound of your constant yelling is mutilating
But me trying to ignore you guys is apparently irritating
So I have to keep performing
Put on a show that'll keep me from conforming
To the actions that I really wanna take
You say be who you wanna be don't be opaque
and then raise me to be fake
Your giving me a headache
No ur giving me a heartache
Everyday I'm greeted at the door with insults
Hating my family a little more are the usual results
And you know it's quite sad
Because family's all that I have
These four people who are currently living in the same house
Or should I say my dad and his spouse
They're all that I've got which is why I stick to myself
I'm tired
I'm  not gonna continue to rebel
*** all it does is give me hell

I'm trying to keep my promise to her
I'm balancing on a wire and my legs are chained because I am hell bound
I wanna give in and let het her down
but I'll drop myself back In the hole I spent years crawling out of up until now
And never did I make a sound
So Never did word get around
That I was drowned
Never to be found
Had to naw at the shackles till they gave lee
Still running way to the north will I make it baby we'll see
And hopefully if I do youll be standing Right there next to me
These fakes stay flexing to me
But you
Your different
you help me find the light
your wrestling with me
I set that up wrong it's not as it seems
We stand here steady fighting
And we're on the same team
But now that I am halfway out of this hole
I seemed to forget that making you happy was my original goal
And I'm sorry
I really am
It pains me in my soul
But lately I feel like my hearts been burning  like coal
Preventing me from continuing my goal and so what I want to tell you is that I am sorry
I WILL do better
You don't have to accept my apology
Just reread this letter
And know that I love you forever

Use to despise birthdays *** all it brought was disappointment
I would get irritated from lack of attention and my bed was my only Ointment
One day out of the year
and did u use the opportunity?
no u miss ur appointment
And you do so continually  
Never had a party to myself
Because my parents didn't care enough
Had to share birthdays with Em and the child was ungrateful she always received stuff
And when they sang happy birthday they sang her name so yes it was tough
I only have 5 birthday cards to my name
And Out of the 5
only 1 person played their part
only one person gave me something from the heart
Used to think its a shame
I never got anything because They said my brown skin tone was lame
My ignorant outside family wouldn't give me their claim
Tried To stop the waterworks but a  dam can only last for so long
Had to finally realize I was looking at it all wrong
Used to think that because no one told me happy birthday
and no one gave me gifts to my dismay
That I wasn't ****
but now I see it
Finally realize it
They did give me something
At the time it seemed like nothin
But They gave me the clay That molded me into the person I am today
Would I go back and change it?
No I'm okay

You never find me in big crowds of people
Because from afar it appears fun and peaceful
but looks can often be deceitful
I never had sleepovers with the girls
Because they'd send my emotions sky rocketing in swirls
And I know for a fact I'm fragile like pearls
So putting myself in those situations just seemed cheatfull
don't spend time with many people
I clamp on to one person
They'll throw me a bone and Ill continue the burden
Learnin the hurting has turned me into a person weak people have been subdued to servin
Realizing I'm manipulative
I stalk my prey And do so premeditative  
The cycle starts over every year it's repetitive
To me
The game is easy
Not very competitive

I'm like a janitor
Except I mop the floors with my heart
I put it in a bucket and Roll it around on my cleaning cart
I wanna save everyone else
But don't know how to save myself
It's easier to help others while I hide my problems behind covers
The fear of it all coming back distantly hovers
I help the ungrateful in response to their crying mothers
I'm tired
I'm exhausted
I need someone to help I
Need someone to help me pass the days by
Someone help stop me
I'm about to die
The I y'all used to know won't ever see light
She flew away like a flying Kite
I'm trying to find the string but it's nowhere in sight
Help me look
Read in between the lines I'm an open book
Help me replace the parts they took
Let's go shopping at the store
Please I beg u I'll love you more
I feel it in my soul down to the core
I need someone to help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Listen to me I sound so depressing
No not depressing just non expressing
And now I'm crying out for attention
But I'm a female shutup they say go to the kitchen
Why am I being raised as a house wife
That doesn't sound exciting no that's not how I wanna live my life
I needed to express myself so I chose the arts
But art can't hold me when the deep down pain starts
What Art can do is release me for a minute
But I find its transforming me into a heartless bigot

People notice
They just choose not care
Cameras will not focus
No extra lens to spare
No
No extra lens to share
People kick you down when your at your lowest
Then complain life's not fair
The world we live in is ferocious
But I try not to let it get into my hair
Everyone's hard head like locust
Complain the rules are bogus
But push the good down the stair
People betray the kin who's closest
Then hate God when their hearts broken beyond repair
Stubborn Ignorance is the diagnosis
The world will never change I swear

Can you see me?
Can you hear me?

It's like I scream on the daily
Crying out for a savior to save me
Deep down knowin they're carefree
Done acting like it doesn't faze me
Sometimes it hits me
Hits me so hard it knocks the wind straight out of me
Literally
But still my dreaming is continuing
Searching for hope
"maybe"


Can you see me?
Can you hear me?

For a moment you think your good.
For a moment you're just so happy to see the water.
So happy that for a moment your ignorant that the picture painted in your pretty little head is just a mirage.
For a while you'll feel discouraged
till another moment passes you by and you'll just keep on repeating till you finally stumble apon an oasis
But remember
eventually it'll dry up and once again you'll live for the moments
and dread the whiles

Why is it you choose to only yell at me
How come when Something goes wrong Im the only one your blind eyes can see
I mean ya it was me but only to a certain degree
You talk to them
but to me u act beastly
You say I can talk freely
But then stop me in my tracks saying u disagree
You throw my will around like a frisbee
And when I react you say "woah calm down love take a knee"
You love to preach how I can be "anything I wanna be"
Yet when I tell you
you act as if your the referee
Calling me back to reality
You cook me on the stove like I'm a panini
And yes that maybe have been a hyperbole
But It's like I'm trying to live my life without a short coming
And your killing me slowly
ur like a H.I.V
In fact it feels like I'm throwing a party
But you don't like it so ur knocking on my door like ur the l.a.p.d
I'm Tryna rid u of my life a.s.ap
But I mean hey ur my parents and I'm and only fifteen

I'm like a volcano
I hold it all inside
I lead people on like a tour guide
I appear dormant
Like everything's fine
But I know I can erupt at anytime
too greedy to stop selling tickets
Too greedy gotta rack up them digits
Sometimes my scruples get the best of me
I'll give off a warning sign
Black ashes is the usual recipe
Y'all just too focused on being mine ain't worried about ur heart dying
Or your eyes crying
Or what ever happens when the lava starts flyin
Your poking a bear with a stick
Expecting me to be okay with it
And maybe that's my fault
Maybe I'm responsible
Still no excuse for the table salt
Taking the bait ..optional
Ashes weren't good enough so I hit you with a rumble
You fall
You stumble
And then you come straight back
I know you feel that heart attack
Stop trying to act strong and heroic
*** when I feed in to it ur not as devoted
When I unleash the fiery flames
You still wanna play these stupid games
Till I mess around and burn u fast
Then u start talking bout how u left me in the past
Man forget u and ur mama
I ultimately was Tryna avoid the drama
I didn't wanna hurt your soul
but you gave me no choice
and now the pain ur feeling is out of my control
I tried to warn u
But you just wouldn't listen
Too focus on being persistent
And now u got me feeling bad
It told u this from the beginning lad
I'm like a volcano
I hold it all inside
I lead people on like a tour guide
I appear dormant
Like everything's fine
But I know I can erupt at anytime

this Overwhelming Reality
consistently returns
It's tied me to the stake
forcing me to question my fatality
coaxing
then scolding
I let It dictate
the voice in my head never learns
like a broken record-relentless never on break
querying my morality
why do I find comfort in these Chains?
pertinaciously handing me the lighter
dousing me in oil I gaze with no concerns
I've clogged up all the drains
content on no longer being a fighter
it's too late
the demons are infesting me
my mental is drenched in propane
swindling they claim to "make my future brighter'
cut down my ferns
only a piece of me remains
so I devour the lit match out of pure desire
oh I'll gain a light alright
in and out of frames
I'm losing sight
my eyes-the first to feel the burns
imaginary tears smother the flames
the demons run and take flight
won't be long for they'll return on another night
this Overwhelming Reality
consistently returns

Where I'm at currently is so cold
Think it's time to finally pack
hit the road
Find a new home
Somewhere where the Suns so hot you turn to stone
Somewhere where i laugh till my sides make me moan & groan
Where you don't have to act like ur on ur phone
You can be you
The shoe doesn't have to fit
If u wanna change then go ahead don't follow the rules of the instruction kit
If you like it
forget what they think of it
Don't worry if they don't permit
Half of them counterfeit
Ya you get what you want to get

I hate how even when you walk away
When you tune it out
When you count black sheep all day
The pain is still there to stay
You try so hard not to let these voices lead you astray
Trying so hard You've lead yourself into a pit
You made this pit out of anger, frustration, sorrow, jealousy, and pain in their purest forms
Because in this hole that's all that seems to fit
Once inside this hole there's no way out
No instruction kit
You begin to hallucinate
As if dreaming your way out of it will change your fate
You'd die for a key to open that gate
but instead...
You're stuck here
in this pit
And nobody gives a ****
because your just another *******

I stay in my little box
I originally planned on only using it as a detox
But once inside I was trapped
No my arms weren't strapped
But I still felt kidnapped
So I did have to adapt
And honestly I'm thankful *** my life is no longer chapped
I've learned to be self reliant
An many of u may think that that makes me a defiant
But honestly no one was there when I was crying
when I didn't know how to keep fighting
I needed help and that box was my only guidance
You had one assignment and when I poured my soul out to you what did I receive? Silence
At first the thought of being alone was horrifying
But side by side me and this box we made an alliance
And when I'm inside of this small confinement
There isn't any lying or over trying or self confidence dying or any boohoo crying
..well maybe sometimes
but it's okay because when I sit in this quiet
this silence there isn't any judgment
There isn't any soul crushing
There isn't any unwanted touching
No nudging no punching no Flying Dutchman there's nothing
It's like I was forced upon this dungeon and ended up never wanting to leave
For a while my life was at ease but as it goes on Ive started to crave someone to come live within it with me
How ever it's not an option because I never venture out I never have the guts to flea
Sometimes I'll poke an arm out and feel a cold breeze so back in the box I go
Dreaming of a life I'll never really know
Living in terror of being hit with a crossbow
Fear is a powerful thing
Top reason why I'll never have any offspring
What if they grow to be as corrupted as I?
What if they live in a box so they can never reach the sky?
Fear is the reason id stay up at night and cry
My eyes couldn't really take It
At night they'd constantly spit
So I moved into this box and it's been a perfect fit
But be ware if you decide to come inside ur gonna need a permit

I velcroed a smile to my face
I'd sometimes peel it but nowadays
I can't even take it off *** it always stays unless someone's poor soul decides to ****** it away
Never the less I always look gay
Even when I'm legitimately mad
I got so used to smiling That I can't frown
All I can do is stare at the oh too familiar ground
And yet still I have that fake ole grin on my face
Cheesing so hard you can still smell my toothpaste
Been **** this since 6 grade Did I forget to mention
An now my whole life feels like I've been living in detention
If only I'd chose to Stop my actions
There'd be a Prevention
Practice makes permanent
So I gotta be persistent
And slowly get my life back together it's a mission
Slowly come back to existence
No I don't need your assistance
I'm getting on the right track transforming into an optimistic

I do this everyday
I focus on my own peace of mind
Don't get jealous just keep the faith
You've got your piece
I've got mine
so in sync
We stay
Go on with your day
Go on its okay

I do it too often gotta lock my pen up
Put it in a coffin
It happens when I talk to anyone
Tried to stop it but my gift is on its own time it keeps on going
My constant writing gets annoying And everyone keeps on pointing
Wondering when my time will come
And then I can laugh in everyones face rejoicing

The anxiety in my stomach just won't resolve
All it seems to do is get bigger & evolve
last time I felt this way t'was drastic
last time I felt this way my family split up like worn out elastic  
Child hood memories cut deformed & violated
Child hood memories ultimately lacerated
I pray history won't repeat
Pray that this anxiety will go away and take a seat

It's like ..I can not feel
There's a void inside and no instructions
as to how to fill it
It's like..It's gone
..nonexistent
Must've mistook it for trash and threw it away
Lost in a land field
I'll never find it
So I've decided to live without
I've grown impatient
You swear you love me just as they all do
And just as I always do..I do not feel
I can not feel
But I want to
I need to
..And so I play along
Because this..is what I want
I want you
Just not as you want me
I can not tell you I dream of you
..Because I do not dream
I can not tell you I think of you all day
..Because I purposely distract myself to keep from getting lost in my thoughts
I can not tell you that I love you
Because I do not know what that feeling is
But I want to
I wish I could
Just as I wish I could end this
before you get too deep
I can not feel
But you can
You do
What good is your light
If I am blind
Just as the blind cover their eyes with glasses To mimic those who can see..
I use my words to mimic those who are truly in love
Because that is what I want
But..
I can not feel

like spoiling bread
my control is beginning to crumble
I use to be so strong I could walk for days
But I blindly ran due to being afraid
and now all my legs do is stumble
I'm dying to cry out
release the toxins in my head
but my words never pass a mumble

Love me poetically or put this relationship to sleep
I feel like you threw our hearts down 10 thousand feet
And I dived in thinking I can fly
While you sit at home counting sheep
Can you tell me why
See to you
it isn't that deep
u picked the wrong one
If you wanted something easy then you should have went cheap

Tryna stay sane but it's hard
We practice being the same and for that we don't know truly who we are
I need to release myself but I don't yet know how
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and honestly I'm  feeling bloated like a cow
We share this planet together yet we treat each other oh so foul  
We all wanna be content but no one ever teaches us how
There so much jealousy going on
And not enough people to put in work for it to get gone

it Hurts to breath
I'm so sick in the head
it's affecting my body
now I sit and wheeze
Pain in my chest as the air comes and starts to leave
You ever been so low
Your health took the blow?
You ever been so mentally exhausted
that when You look in the mirror
You don't even recognize Yourself?
You've gone mad
You've completely lost it
..
but when a blank stare crosses Your face
they expect You to wash it
Your emotion is the plaque stuck in teeth
and they'll force You to floss it
You ever been so shocked
You can't even eat?
Your appetites been blocked
Oh look, negative twenty pounds
seems like Your weight's begun to retreat
Oh what a surprise
old habits begin to repeat
old rabbits looking for a little girl
up to You he creeps
You know better
but You fall anyway
And Everybody will forget about Her
She'll stay in the hole
night after night
day after day
forgotten Your main goal
so in this prison you'll stay
disconnecting from Your soul
You shout and you scream
Somebody Help! Somebody Help!
But You're stuck in delusion
it "Hurts to breath"

For a while everything seems ok
For a while I'm able to save the grieving for another day
For a while I feel unstoppable
Like I can get over any obstacle
But you know what they say
What goes up must come back down
The inertia never lasts
The force of gravity is too strong and so to the ground I fall within a dash
Within the blink of an eye I'm so deep
You can barley see me
I don't even recognize myself because In resemblance of a garbage heap
I get so low that I don't know if I'll make it out
You won't hear me but in my head it's like an asylum i scream and shout
Trying to find the door as if I'm a Girl Scout
Hi would you like to buy some cookies
Sorry baby I don't have any moneys
So around I go
Going door to door making a fool of myself putting on a show
Oblivious I'm Solely worrying about the materials consciously  
Determination waisted because it's directed towards only gaining commodities
Will I continue?
Or will I change my ways? probably  
Or maybe I won't *** I still stay up at night dreaming of hitting the lottery
Kinda hard to stay positive
When we preach the opposite