writing isn't easy when
the only language i speak
is that of her laugh

>> i don’t have a best friend but if i did i think it would be you. every time our eyes meet from across the room and you smile i remember how i learned that life is beautiful, not in events, but in people. you’re one of my favorite ppl, i love you i love you i love you
>>>>> do you ever wonder if we think of each other the same way? that YA novel that i read reminded me not only of the false positive, seeing something that isn’t there, but also of the false negative, thinking there’s nothing there when it is. maybe you’re my false negative?
>> i think your smile is so beautiful and your laugh is the cutest. when you stop and stand still because you’re laughing so hard and when you laugh so hard you bury your head in your hands. you’ve made me laugh, we’ve made each other cry, but after all of that the only thing i’m sure of is i love you. the universe couldn’t have made me a better friend. the weird thing is, out of all my friends you’re the one i’m most okay with going away from, because i know you’ll be there when i get back
>> you make me feel okay about being sensitive because you always know what i need. no matter how hard it is for you, you will always put me first and support me in everything i want to do even (and especially) when i'm too scared. i love you and i will never leave you !

> if the world was ending of course I’d tell you I loved you, I loved you with all of my heart, so much that I couldn’t bear to tell you because even if you loved me a little (i know you do but do you?) I would’ve run into your arms, I’d be happy for a thousand lives over, of course
> and maybe I would tell you that I was never able to think about the love I had for you in the present tense, I loved you and I will love you but I do not love you, if it’s in the past or in the future it’s less of a part of me and that is okay
> if the world was ending maybe I’d tell you that I could never decipher whether the love I had for you was platonic or romantic or something in between and that sometimes I wondered if I only held onto the feelings so I could write more poetry
> maybe I’d admit that I wrote the most beautiful words for you, that sometimes even my own words evoked tears in the corners of my eyes because such a crude emotion was poured into that writing
> maybe I would tell you that recently i wasn’t able to think of you apart from love
> and maybe I would tell you that apart from staying awake at night and seeing you in my dreams I wouldn’t admit that you lived in my heart
> maybe i would tell you that i couldn't look at your face for too long because what if i ended up staring at you and (worse) what if i ended up gazing at you, that would not be good
> if the world was ending i'd reveal that the only way i kept a lid on my feelings was limiting how i felt to 'maybes' and 'what ifs', anything more was embarrassing
> maybe i'd tell you that you're my soulmate and i've never met anyone more alike to me who could at the same time be so different
> and so i'd probably admit i think i love you in a friend way but i've never had a friend that i couldn't bear to let go as much as you
i would tell you that you're my person, and i wouldn't care if i was yours
     > (though right now i really hope i am, probably because the world is not ending; everything changes when there will be no tomorrow, everything changes when all we have is the past)
> i would tell you that i've rarely experienced such an intense emotion, much less for a friend, i would tell you that there's something different about you (is there something different about me?) that makes me dread the day that we part
     > i would tell you how much i feared that we would drift apart, if i could i would hold your hand and never let go (would you let me or would you pull away?)

after years of pondering in musty libraries and public bathrooms and on my bedroom floor i think i finally understand why the face staring back at me in the mirror is so unfamiliar

i am not my dark eyes, i am not my crooked nose, i am not my thin lips, i am not my rosy cheeks

no, i am the hairstyle that my mother taught me how to do before middle school started so that i could take care of myself
i am the love poems that run through my head all day because language is so wonderful and you are so wonderful and sometimes i can't help but experience certain compositions as many times as possible
i am the friendship bracelet that i wear on my wrist that matches with my best friend who would never wear a bracelet in a million years but did it for me
i am the whirlpool of love that exists behind my eyes that shy glances and awkward eye contact put there

i see myself in my fingers mindlessly tapping out rhythms from my favorite songs, not in my tears, but
i see myself in everything i mourn for

i see myself in the money i saved from my grandmother's funeral three years ago because i am too attached to part from it, not in my smile, but
i see myself in my inability to keep a straight face when someone laughs at my jokes

the years of pondering in musty libraries and public bathrooms and on my bedroom floor was worth it because i see myself in those too, more doodles in the margins of the storybook of my life

in the end, i became who i am because of you

our pupils widen to let in more light so that we can see something better, but
when we see people we love, our pupils widen to take more of them in,
to drink as much of their image into our eyes as possible

my eyes change to see more of you

i'm sure everyone has loved a song that they've heard somewhere,
but they don't know the name of it
or how to describe what it sounded like
and so you try to replicate it, but it is not the same
and so you try to listen to other music to forget about it,
but it's so stubborn that you don't notice the new notes.

i knew someone who was like one of those songs
oh that was a beautiful experience, he was beautiful, and his voice was like the song i couldn't get out of my head

i remember his face and his voice and him just enough to recognize him but not enough to find him, and
i know enough about him to know that he exists, but not where he does
the thought of him gives me butterflies and excites me, and i want to find him but i can't, i know some but not enough
and the thought that i have lost him forever destroys me every moment of my life

even though i don't know who you are or where you are or how you are, you are real and the way you made me feel is real and i know that you exist somewhere and someday somehow we will meet and i will bask in knowing that i wasn't wrong about your beauty

now i cover my ears because i know
if i do hear anything else
either i'll be consumed with my want for you
or i'll forget you altogether

isn’t it beautiful that our first reflex when listening to music is to replicate that tune,


with the same throats that are tired of speaking we try to make art

when you walked by,
everything around me withered away.
always upon you was my mind’s eye
and so it was, every single day.
in the morning i woke up looking forward to you
and every night i fell asleep thinking of your eyes on mine
who knew if you liked me too?
regardless, the taste of love was upon me like fine wine.
i couldn’t hear the wind rushing around me as i fell
but in the moment, the feeling was enough to make my heart swell.

today i wrapped a present
and no matter how much i tried to hold it together, it kept falling apart
outside, the moon was a crescent
and the tiny sliver of light seemed just like my heart.
not enough light to illuminate the sky
but enough to know it was there
my eyes welled up with tears but i didn’t, no, couldn’t cry
it was almost like my feelings toward you had stripped me bare
when i was falling, this was the opposite of what I’d felt
and now that i’ve crashed to the ground, i can only remember when you would make my heart melt.

falling in love is as beautiful as falling apart
i prefer the latter in a way
i'm used to holding myself in my own hands, it’s an art
i’ll always be there for myself, but i won’t beg you to stay
you were my sun, but for what?
there is an entire universe full of stars and yet i gave up my soul to fall for this one.
falling for you was an experience out of my life I’d never cut,
but falling for myself was a victory for humanity won.

so, catch me when i fall
and let’s see if your name my heart will call.

i'm not afraid of dying
i'm lying when i say
i don't want to die
after all, but
life is just a cycle
they say
we are born to die

really, i am afraid
of existence
i look forward to the end
i'd never say
death scares me

i. expect the unexpected. you were unexpected, that’s for sure, but the most unexpected was my falling for you. not my type, not safe, nothing, but it was you i fell for. know that falling doesn’t hurt, don’t keep yourself locked inside yourself for so long. falling is blissful, even if you don’t end in his arms.

ii. it will be beautiful. let yourself be lured in. bloom alongside him and do not be scared. the stars are watching over you, you will be fine.

iii.  even if you think you are ugly, you are beautiful. inside you is pure love, even if you don’t use it for yourself, remember that it’s there, because that is the most beautiful thing of all.

iv. you love him but let him go. you love him but he doesn’t love you. you love him and even if he says he doesn’t want to hurt you it will hurt. it hurts so much but it makes you stronger. true, i led you to this fate, but trust me. your light glows warmer after it has been extinguished.

i. a summer day, sticky hot, i can feel the sweat running down my back. the sun shines without mercy. an ice cream cone sits in my hand as i wonder who will come to end my bitter loneliness.

ii. the boy reeks of summer, his smile radiating from his mouth just as the sun radiates heat. he doesn’t eat ice cream, he says, something about being lactose intolerant? i can’t focus on anything but his sparkling hazel eyes.

iii.  it’s still warm but not uncomfortably so. we’re seated on the green grass. it’s evening and the sun has begin to sink beneath the horizon. purple and rose hues take over the blue of the sky as we watch in awe. i don’t know what happens but suddenly our eyes are off the sky and on each other. his lips taste like a cherry popsicle.

iv. we have late nights every day watching the stars. each star makes me wonder, in a world as fantastically cosmic as ours, how did i have the fortune to meet you? i wonder if you are thinking the same thing. every day the same thing happens and every day i don’t know what led to it but now our eyes and sticky hands and sweet lips are on each other and now it is the stars’ turn to watch us.

v. he loves ice cream but it isn’t good for him.

vi. every time i eat a cherry popsicle i think of the boy with the hazel eyes.

everything is temporary, so enjoy it while you can.
2. life is too short to spend it worried and anticipating the right moment. you won’t always have time in life to make the right choice and that’s always okay.
3. your body is beautiful the way it is.
4. no one cares how big the fish is until it’s out of the water.
5. feelings hurt so so much but they also feel so so good and they make life worth living, although they often do the opposite.
6. i learned how to ask for help and it was the best thing i’ve ever done.
7. but i still never learned how to say no.
8. if i was given the chance i don’t know what i would have done.
9. your friends aren’t worth your life but they are worthy of your heart.
10. everything is difficult, but nothing is impossible.
11. doing half of your work is better than doing none at all.
12. falling is the most blissful thing in life.
13. the thing that frightens me the most is death, the fact that i will cease to exist, the fact that i will never see any loved ones or anyone again, the fact that i know nothing about it.
14. in a world of temporary things the only permanent things come from your heart and mind. ideas are more valuable than things.
15. loving yourself makes the world seem impossibly big and beautiful and makes life easier to live.

i intended to face you coldly
but upon seeing you, my heart forgot this
and went to be with you

-- bilet-doux

an autumn evening
warmth as the sunlight filters through my window
perfectly white daisies make a flowery scent
a burning candle, the smell of flames
on paper i write to you

"my love
i am surrounded by scents but none of them smell quite like you
i am surrounded by warmth but it is nothing like the warmth of your body on mine
no matter the situation, you are always the first thing that comes to mind
i miss you"
busily, the pen scratches, coming to a halt

i think

how do i tell my love that the longing heartache that i feel in his absence is nothing / compared to the heartache i feel when he comes / only to leave
how do i tell my love i do not want him to come back unless it is forever
how do i tell my love that he causes me so much pain ;
giving me only a glimpse / when i deserve a lifetime

i think

the pen doesn't touch the paper
i fold and seal the letter
how do i tell my love

bilet-doux --

it's been a while since i've seen him
and i'm telling myself not to love

but in my dreams he's there
his eyes, his nose, his lips
what's wrong with me, i said i wouldn't
yet all i can think about is his kiss

he hasn't even kissed me! not a graze, not a touch
i never thought i would be a victim to this nature
this lust

but even if i can spare a few words with him again
my wishes will be fulfilled
alas, there's no way
so my dreams will be killed

never thought i'd be the type
to make friends i can't even see
pictures and messages only go so far
but why does that feel more than enough for me?

feelings are worth a thousand words
i finally see what they mean
for even though they're oceans away
they're as close to my heart as could be

the warmth of the sun
the beauty of the stars
the softness of green grass in summer
the pleasant breeze in the fall
the sweet sound of music
the restless feeling on the last day of school
the nostalgic feeling on the last day of summer
the smiles that grace my face when i'm joyful
the tears that flow down my cheeks when i'm sad
the love i have for my friends
the love i have for you

thank you for showing me the beauty of the world
and protecting me from its horrors

i don't know if you love me
and i don't know if i love you
but all i know is that i cannot take on the
world
if i am stuck on you

so please, say that you love me
i will love you back

we can bloom in the night's rain together
we'll take on the world

let me forgive you
so you can hurt me again

he is my spring
and i’m his flower
a bud that blooms at his voice
and withers in his absence
my spring came with rain and
gently washed away my woes.
he is my spring
but what will happen to my bud
when it becomes
summer?

it's 11:11!
make a wish
look, a shooting star!
make a wish
your eyelash is on your cheek!
make a wish
it's your birthday!
make a wish

every time i made a wish in the past
it was only for one thing
but now it's 11:13
and i no longer wish for you

my love
for you i fell from the height of innocence
for you my heart was burned alive
for you i put a smile on my face
despite the brutal pain torturing me from within
my love
for you i changed who i was
for you i hurt myself
alas, i cannot say that you were the one who was responsible for my pain
for i did this to myself
all for you

when i was younger i begged time to go faster
i wanted to grow up right then and there
but now that i know the horrors of growing older
i wish i could've stayed young

when i’m with him, it’s always summer
careless adventures , absorbing adrenaline from his warmth
our energy pulses as we race through time
the sun refuses to give way to the pearlescent moon
but it eventually takes over to a night ;
another summer night i’m with my love ; but something is different
a cold wind sets in and i feel myself drawn to the lake
it has always been summer with him, but it’s suddenly winter and
a shove sets me tumbling into the ice
which breaks and i fall through -- but the only face i see is his
grinning and waving with the hand
that pushed me

scene one
i look up at him
an expectant look in his eyes
only one word needs to be said
but i can convey it in many ways
so i lean up
and let his lips connect with mine
just as i’ve imagined so many times before
as i tell him through the sweet kiss
yes
a thousand times yes

scene two
a park
a playground
children running with no care in the world
walking hand in hand with him
the one i care about most
tears form in my eyes as i think of when i was young
i loved living and now i dont
i look over to see him watching me
and in those eyes i realize
i love life again

scene five
a fight
throwing hateful words at each other
none of us means it
but at the same time we do
i thought i loved him
i do
but if i do then why am i crying
crying over him
he sees my tears and rushes to me
holds me
promises me nothing will happen like that
ever again

ending scene
he meets me in the hallway
the four dreaded words
we need to talk
i know what is coming and i look down at my shoes
the ones that he bought me
everything reminds me of him
he lifts my chin and looks into my eyes
don’t worry, he says
you deserve someone better than me
i love you
i always will
but you’re better off without me

epilogue
was he right?
i’ll never know
but one thing is for sure
my heart no longer aches everytime i see something we did together
maybe i didn’t deserve him
the one who made me love living again
but he taught me to love
and it’s time to love again.

it's summertime!
a paradise, where children run barefoot in the lush green grass
kissed tenderly by the sunshine
playing until the sun goes down; grudgingly they go home
only to be greeted by late nights with pillow fights
sweet treats and anything good to eat
some may say it's the happiest time of the year
it's summertime!
maybe it's a time to go insane
surrounded by happiness, when all you feel is alone
but don't worry, i'm also a lonely soul in the crowd
yet summertime, could it change me ?

during summertime;
find me chasing after the yellow hues in my mind
which have, unfortunately, hidden in a corner
for fear of the others - the blues, the purples, the dark hued tyrants
but this summertime, maybe the light will be seen
and maybe
just maybe
i can become slightly closer to whole
and it's all thanks
to summer

where were you? my
umbrella, my saving
grace.

when i was standing in
rain, the drops littering my face like
tears

when the tears leaked
out and streamed down my face like
rain

where were you? my
umbrella, my saving
grace.

you never showed up when i
needed you.

i really loved you
i still do
but i can’t do this anymore:
pretend that i’m fine
when i am not
pretend that i don’t mind
when i do
pretend that i’m happy
when i am sad
i did it for you
so you could be happy
so you wouldn’t end up like me
but look what happened in the end
life took you from me
and i need to let go of you

stars spun together like strands of cotton candy
sweetly melting away into the void of the night sky
in a serene twilight, two sole candles still burning
desperate not to be put out
constellations of small lights, glittering in the dark
to certain eyes, seeming like insignificant dots
to others, paintings of wild fantasies
woven together in a tapestry of the loveliest human souls
can be seen, a picture of us
mere constellations, but in love