Come on
Say something
Say everything
I'm giving up
I can't wait
any longer
I'm giving up
Come on
Tell me
Say something
Say everything
Say anything
I'm giving up.

Angels and raindrops have fallen among us
Among the tallest of trees and the smallest of memories.

Swaying together
colliding with the rhythm of our oceans
and the patterns of our stars.

The current of a blood stream;
liquid electricity in the gutters of our core
throbbing with every vital blow to the heart.

Dancing, rhyming with every striking, agonizing pulse.

apologizing for the hint of cigarette on your breath,
I smile and inhale your fumes
teasing my lips with the subtle taste of your neck
kiss me harder
the corners of your mouth are so alluring
I can't help but to stare
grip my hair as my neck tilts back
kiss me all over
close your eyes and give me your body
take mine and make it yours
running your fingers through my hair
kiss me slowly

I often dream of running, I dream of fleeing
but every time I try to leave
they drag me back to this place they’ve deemed
reality.

I often find I’m lost in their uncertainty –
but I'm certain that I’m dying
in this place that I was never meant to
be.

In your eyes,
in your smirk,
in that distant glare you sometimes get in the brief silences between our conversations.

In your bed sheets,
throughout your tattoos,
in this passenger seat that was once her throne.

She is still a part of you.
I see her in the way I look at you,
in the way I adore you and caress you and desire you..

All I see is her.
and the worst of it all
is that you still see her, too.

Plant your own garden
Decorate your own soul
Stop waiting for someone else

to bring you flowers.

you never truly belonged to me.

each and every night you cried in my arms
they were her tears
for her arms.
each and every time you whispered love
it was her love left over
for her ears.
you were always hers.
you've always been hers
and tomorrow
you'll be hers again.

I don't miss you
your condescending advice
your height
your words of

I'm just lonely.

I can't fathom what it would be like
to loose someone to death.

it's such an inconceivable concept if you've
never experienced it.

and yet, so incredibly real and heart-wrenching
for those who have.

i can't imagine missing you and never being able
to satisfy the urge.

it's like an itch you'll never scratch or a breath you'll never
exhale.

how do people cope with a never ending burn?
i can only imagine.

Sometimes, I want to die.

Not because I am unhappy

or lonely

or tired or scared

Just to see if I’d get the chance to do it all over.

If we would get the chance to rethink every thought

to take back a kiss or a silence or a ****** essay we wrote the night before it was due

a do-over

But if we knew that we would

what would we live for?

bliss. is often blind
to any sort of
complications.

bliss. is often mistaken
for something far more
mundane.

bliss. can be broken
in an instant
with a single word.

I worry
that we have fallen so deep
that should we ever
fall out
we would be
too absorbed
to climb out.
I worry
that you have
fallen out and
just don't know how
to tell me.
What if you've let
your doubt overcome you
and you simply
just don't know how
to tell me.

penetrate me.
invade my thoughts with yours
bestow upon me all of your ideas, your opinions
wrap my mind around yours and cradle my memories
touch me.
share everything of yours with everything of mine
give me all of you and all of your past
engrave me into your future
ingest me.
understand all of my perceptions
my view points elaborate on your point of view
account for every flaw and every inconsistency
love me*.

how do you let someone go
when you were the one who convinced him to love you?

how do you break his heart
after you were the one who picked up the pieces?

Waking to feel the weight of the void
you left when you left me behind.
Searching restlessly for any remaining
sense of you in these god forsaken sheets.
Plowing mindlessly through the memories
scorched into my mind - branded forever yours.
Will there be an ever after?

"I've been having trouble sleeping"
I explain.
"I get headaches.
I'm nauseous. I can't eat.
I've lost weight.
A lot of weight."
He nods, still staring at the computer.
"Here hurts"
I point to my rib cage, poking out through my t-shirt.
He glances at me and types some more.
All the while my head is spinning
And I can feel the blood rushing up to my head
then back down again.
I feel weak.
"I think I may need to change my dosage."
"Mhm, mhm."
He nods again.
The printer roars to life.
"Take this twice every morning and once at night. These are for the headaches, don't take more than one every 8 hours, and only when necessary. Take this before bed, it should help with the - "
And then, just as he held up the fourth piece of paper,
I saw the carpeted floor rush up to meet me.
And just like that,
I was gone.
And the worst of it all,
is that I did this to myself.
And he knew it.

those wretched words you said to me
the twisted approach you took
how innocently you tore me apart,
limb by throbbing limb.
with every word, I nearly shattered.
the aches that came from within
were close to unbearable, as I felt my insides
falling out.
crushed by the weight of every sentence,
suffering and gasping for air, beneath the
elephant sitting on my chest
I crippled and cringed.
I couldn't bare to look
as you poured your mind onto the table,
and watched me drown.

I searched and snatched for any inch
of sanity I could find and finally
I took hold of my soul and held on for dear life.
The waves of brutality rushing over me
every time you opened your mouth
were not enough to weaken me.
I found my legs and stood taller than you,
and I picked my heart up off the floor and
trapped it behind my rib cage.
Inhaling and expanding, I am still breathing.
You will not break me.

Is this what depression feels like?
Is depression something you can feel like
or is it just       as is?
I'm not hungry and I'm always tired
and I can't pinpoint it.
Everything is barreling down on top of me
and I can't surface for a even minute of air.
I quit my job.
Drowning and collapsing
I feel like the world around me is getting smaller
and I only have
so much time to do so many things
but I can't      there's nothing
and yet           there's everything all at once.
Help me.
Guide me.
Show me the light
so I can run towards it      full speed
and never return.

I said I never leave you but its
4am and I'm out here alone and
its freezing and I'm shaking and I'm
sorry that I lied.

You ever wonder,
how long it takes to change your life?
What measure of time is enough to be
life-altering?
Is it four years, like high school,
one year,
an eight-year rock tour?
Do changes only occur over periods of time?
Or can your entire life change within a month, a week, or even a single day?
We are always in a hurry to grow,
to go places,
to get ahead,
but when you're young,
one hour
can change everything.

A man, over fifty
years wiser than I,
reaches for a hand
that is no longer there.
He is frozen over
with the chilled air of loneliness,
urging for a love
that has not graced his soul
in many years past.
Memories of her
scattered among the
cracked floorboards.
The house's familiar creeks
are no longer sounds of
home
but the uncertain ticking of
his time, running out.

I don't know how hard it's been
for you to learn to cope.
I cannot see the scars beneath
your skin, your flesh, your bones.

I will never feel the wretched feelings
that made you so ****** up,
nor will I ever bear the beating
you still feel in your gut.

I know that all you've made it through
has made you who you are
no matter how much pain you knew,
I'm here to heal your heart.

Do you ever just


sit there?


Sometimes, I like to sit down in a place that I have never sat before
and look at the things that I see every day.
I see them in a new way.

The same old chair, same old desk, and same old shoes.
But from over here
                                               or over here
                                                            ­                                or over here.
I can stare at the bed I wake up in every morning
from over here
                                              or over here
                                                            ­                                or over here
and see something brand new.
I can stare out my window at the same **** trees
and see something brand new.
from over here
                                              or over here
                                                            ­                                or over here.

So why don't you ever just


sit there?

I came across a letter I never sent,
hidden somewhere I had forgotten.

I'm sorry I never gave it to you
I think it would have helped.

It read out all the memories
I'd forgotten we'd ever made.

But I'm glad I never sent it and
I'm glad you never read it.

No body ever cries over never being over
never never dies or breaks, it never shatters
never never hides or disguises itself
it is simple and explicit and real
No body ever has their hopes crushed over never
people believe in never, they can trust it
Never is honest and straightforward
as blunt as blunt can be, it's never shadowed

Forever is as useless as it gets
because it is never kept.
Forever will flash before your eyes in a heartbeat,
but never
is a mighty long time.

Life consists of nothing but
coincidences.
Loud rushes of connections
that seem completely
unconnected.
Beneath all the nonsense,
the non-sensible,
there is order.
A system so tight and meticulous
there is no room for
chaos.

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xoxo

We are all playing the same game
we're just on different levels

We are all dealing with the same hell
we're just fighting different devils

We are all battling with the same wounds
we just have different scars

We are all lost in this mixed up world
but we are all wishing on the exact.  same.   stars.

Being alone is not the same
as being lonely
Being alone is beautiful
You need to know how to be
alone
before you can depend on
another
Being alone can be lonely
only if that's how you choose to spend your time
alone
Learn to love yourself and learn to love
alone
Before you find yourself
alone
in a city full of
lonely people.

Have you ever wanted so badly to just
collapse and cry forever
but are unable to shed a single tear
and so you sit and you stare in silence
for what seems like forever
dreaming up possibilities that seem realistic
but really, you know they'll never happen
he'll never walk through that door
he'll never pick you up off of this floor
he'll never understand or accept you like this
and so you just sit, and you just stare, and you're silent.
and he will never know.

I woke in the middle of the night
to take note of this poem that came to mind -
a poem of all the poems I've written
of love and demise
our ups and downs, the fall-outs,
the make up ***, the up-rise.

Two smiles
Twice Daily
Infinite Refills

Growing up
we always ask ourselves
will I be rich
will I be wanted
will I be loved
will I be pretty
will I be pretty
and our mothers will say to us,
Darling, you are beautiful.
but the mirrors will gawk at us.
I want to be pretty
I want to be pretty
Darling, you are beautiful.
but the slits on our wrists
tell us otherwise, Mother.
The girls at school with their
bouncy blonde ponytails
they are so pretty
they are so pretty
and we will sulk in our rooms
with razors so sharp,
pleading to Mother,
I want to be *pretty

all angels
have demons
demons that breed
that feed
on angelic hues
every angle wing
feather by feather
plucked by demons
temptation is
unavoidable
the sultry taste of
evil
is tempting to all
seductive, even
and that is why
all angels
give way
to their
demons

Her presence stole rooms,
and she knew it.
She walked the streets
with the moon in her pocket
and the stars in her eyes.
She had everyone on their knees
before her,
and she owned it.
She loved her lovers and she loved her haters.
Heels higher than New York skyscrapers
and standards to match.
She was no good,
but my god,
she was beautiful.

sometimes
after dark
in the lonely hours
i can see the mark you've left
hovering over that side of the bed
and i hate this feeling that you've left mad.

Sometimes
we don't express our feelings, not because
we are afraid,
simply because we just
can't.

Sometimes
the words that envelope our minds and tear holes in our hearts
simply don't exist in the
real world.

Sometimes
the vocabulump that is crawling up your throat and gagging you is
simply a cloud of air that means
nothing.

Sometimes
we just can't.

waves and waves of
crushed ice
rolling over
tumbling
scarring.
more wine
please
over my crushed
ice
please.

leave your t-shirt on my bedroom floor.
leave all your flannels and your socks and all your rough edges
abandon your breath in my bed sheets
your eyelashes and hand-written notes and your self-esteem
leave it all behind for me to swallow and choke on
when I start to miss you.

he assigned a reading
on a book
that hasn't even been
released yet
at the god forsaken bookstore
he recommended.

how am i supposed to read
a book
that hasn't even been
released yet?

can you see yourself?

the dull acid dripping
off your tongue with every word you murmur -
merely allusions of misery.

and that storm cloud you carry around with you on such a
short leash - as if being struck by a single sun beam would burn you
to the ground in an instant

but you are bright enough to put the stars out on the street and
send the moon running.

and in a race with the galaxies, you could surely win
if you wanted to.


true agony
is watching you put out your own light.

are you alright* they ask
are you feeling better
urging me to let on that
I am no longer a problem
how are things
what things.
I have no things, I have nothingness.
what does it mean, *alright
there is no all right, there is no
b e t t e r .
there is simply
n u m b .
you look tired
I am tired.
you look better
what does it mean, better
there is no
b e t t e r .
there is no
w o r s e
either.
there is nothingness, numbness.
what did you do last night
trying to make conversation.
I can't remember last night
it was too mundane
nothing
nothing can silence them.
nothing can't silence them.
they pry on.
*I - *
and then I stop listening.

welcome to sin city
where the lord, himself
will allow it all
anything goes
***** out
knees deep
take your hair down
******* and bellhops and
lust
welcome to sin city
where the faucets
run blood
you can have it all
or you can loose it all
risk takers and money makers
screams and shrieks and
moans
welcome to sin city

like the burst of livelihood just before a soul escapes
or the ignition of the ocean just before the sun collapses
my mind flashes an iridescent scope of ultraviolet colours
just before my mind slips into slumber.
a panicked array of worries and memories shooting through the canals of my brain
faster than lightening bolts    in every direction
and then
dreamland

I've got only one reply
I know not what to say
but I talk and talk and slur
the words that mean just one.

faces buried deep beneath the fluorescents just barely listening to the wires falling from their
brains with mundane expressions smeared instinctively across the ridges on their skulls and their hands
fiddling rigidly with the space between their thumbs and I wonder if they ever miss their
stops?

All the times you roll over in the middle of the night and whisper the sweetest words I'll ever listen to.
The waking-up smirks, yawns, and hand-holding.
The scent of your plaid shirts draped over my shoulders on all the walks back from the ice cream parlour.
Each beer can that was tossed away, and clammered onto the kitchen floor.
I have bad aim.
The growing pile of shared space and objects and gifts, exchanged for no reason at all, other than our love, also shared.
The time I fell asleep with my finger in between your lips, comforted by the closeness that one finger had with your heart.
The hours spent driving to and from and circling seemingly endless parking lots.
The cigarettes shared, second-hand while holding hands.
The second glances,
"what" "what?"
"nothing, I just love you so much."

building in the distance
toppling over one another
growing and stretching
rolling and tumbling
washing away and towards
crash
burying me
tossing me around
like a fly in the wind
reaching and flailing
with all my might
sinking.

an angry argument thrown at an opponent as arrows shoot across the battlefield over an expensive bottle of Cabernet.

walls and borders mapped out in thick pencil lines, they hastily marked their territory before it all drowned in earthy blood-red.

Fresh pepper, sir?

We are ****** into this world
naked and squawking
Shielding, the best that we can,
from the unknown.

We work and we strive
for things we don't need
and we wait for the day
we are flung into a hole.