I'm dubious,

I will never know what life brings for me.
Some days, I believe in my abilities and
Moments later, my other mind will interrogate me.
Who am I and what do I bring by existing?

I will never know since I'm so doubtful.
Doubtful of all the beautiful things in life.
Especially love, since I don't exist
To love anymore.  

If we're not here to love, what are we here for?
If we can barley live, why are we living after all.
Maybe one day I'll find my path,
But for now, I'll continue to be in a quandary.

n.n

At least now the sun,
Could sun kiss my skin.
Just like your warm lips,
Used to do on my happy days.

n.n

How does it feel, when he touches you?
Do you think of me by any chance?
Or does he give you everything that you need.
I want to know, if I race through your consciousness.

There's nothing that I want more,
But for you to be happy and satisfied.
You are a queen and you deserve,
All of the best things in life, given to you.

I've always been apprehensive
About not being abundant, which
Made me become cruel towards you.
I've demolished so much of us.

I wish you could forgive me.
Even though you belong to someone new,
I'll constantly be in need of you.
I want to give you more than what he can.

But is that a possibility?
I never admit my jealously,
Since you merit every bit of goodness
That he could give to you.

I want you to belong to me.
I'm afraid to think of,
All of the ways he can touch you
That I can't, or won't be able to.

And I know you're fixed,
Between two worlds right now.
But who is your heaven,
Who is your Earth?

n.n

Losing myself,
It’s no ones responsibility...

But my own.

n.n

I tell myself I would forgive people,
Those that have done me wrong.
Forgiveness, will allow me
To let go of my heavy heart.

In reality, the ones that I want to forgive
Are the same exact people who,
Wouldn’t even bother to forgive me.
And we wonder why we can’t let go.

n.n

I remember telling you,
I’m bittersweet.

My delightful laugh,
A saccharine smile, unforgettable.

My painful cry, causing distress.
Leaving a cicatrix in your mind.

n.n

I’ll drown myself at sea,
All I needed was a reason.
I’ve been hurting for years,
My heart is filled with agony.

Maybe in this damaged body
There is still hope somewhere.
How deep does the ocean go?
I cannot rest my eyes at night.

Why does every decent lover,
Only taste sadness within me.
Deliberately I’m disappearing,
No one will know when I reach

The end of the ocean since,
We don’t know how far it goes.  

n.n

I want to be alone,
I want to be far from everything
And everyone.  
My own safe place,

That I’ll never have.

n.n

Have you ever sat there in the dark,
Weeping tears because of your broken heart?
Telling yourself to wake up from this mess,
Asking ‘why can’t I just feel a little less’.

These emotions tower over your mind,
Kicking into your delicate spine,
Unable to move your body anymore.
Constantly laying on the floor.

This is what it feels like to live with sadness.
Wether your heartbroken, or slightly bliss.
There’s always that emptiness surrounding,
Leaving your heart and head pounding.

n.n

I feel so connected to the Moon,
It embodies the movement of time.
The Moon, it's so generous and full.
Similar to myself on my good days.  

Other nights, the Moon is inconspicuous.
It could be so small and meager.  
Always changing and illuminating the sky.
Cycling to fade back to nothing; just as I do.

This is why, I connect to the Moon.
Wether I'm vivid or dull, I'm worthy.
Even if you see me or you do not,
I'm here and I will conceive you

With my constant renewal of existence.

n.n

You only saw the rotting part of me.
When all I saw was you sprouting continuously.

n.n

Run your hands,
On my scarred skin.

Tell me how it feels
To touch such imperfection.

Is it beautiful to you?
Or have I ruined myself.

This is who I am,
Take me, with my flaws.

n.n

The more I sipped from my coffee,
The more my hands would tremble.
Just like any other addiction.

n.n

I need you to hear me.
Save me, protect me.
I need you to watch over me.
No one else will.

Grandma, heal me.

n.n

I want to liberate myself
From the pain you have caused me.
Although, I don’t want to blame you
It’s the sad truth of what you have done.

You left behind a woman
Who would have given you life.
You left behind a woman
Who would have given you a family.

Maybe that woman
Wasn’t what you wanted
At that very exact moment,
But she’s exactly what you’ll need

When you’re growing old and alone.
A woman to hold you, mend you
Love you and care for you.
That woman was me.

Now I’m gone and I no longer exist.

n.n

Touch me, as if you love me.
Hold me in your filthy arms.

Kiss me with those lying lips  
Tell me these flattering remarks.

Nothing could be more fallacious,
Than this kind of love.

This is all a lie.

n.n

Now I understand,
My darkness.
I'm not the sun,
I am the face of the Moon.

Where are you,
My Sunshine.

n.n

I’m no longer who you want me to be.
I’m cold, heartless and lost at sea.
You took my heart and shattered it,
Piece by piece, I tried to make it fit.

It’s gone, it’s broken and it cannot be fixed.

n.n

She’s just like you,
She wants to shine.

n.n

Her eyes will no longer cry because of his absence.
Her tears are very precious to her.  

n.n

We conseal ourselves behind a mask,
To cover up our flaws and fears.
What are we so ashamed of?
Living as someone we are not.

n.n

Love will either be
My saviour,
Or it will be
The death of me.

There’s nowhere in between.

n.n

Why are we unable to sleep?
Sleep is much needed.
That is why I'm restless,
Because it's what I need.

Even sleep has been taken from me.

n.n

I hate to admit.
Darling, I miss you.
I hate to say it.
My love, where are you?

I know you’re long gone,
But do I cross your mind?
The way you cross mine?
Questions, never answered.

The way you left says a lot,
It says a lot about you.
I would’ve died for you.
That’s the type of love I give.

You were my all.
But I see now how much,
Just how much I was
For you to slip away.

Slip away so easily.

n.n

There are so many moments
In life, that make us question
Who we are and who we have
Become as individuals.
Moments where we lie awake,
Wondering how we got here
In the first place.

Wishing the pain could wash away.

n.n

In the end, I knew.
You didn’t love me,
As much as I loved you.

n.n

The bitterness of love,
Is becoming sweetness.

n.n

When the sun is bright and warm
I think of my grandmother.
Warming my skin and brightening my mood,
Just like she used to.

I’m thankful for the days where I can feel her presence.

n.n