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Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
If it wasn’t for the rain
Falling effortlessly on the ground,
I’d have a hard time sleeping,
Sleeping in silence.

I could rest my body gently.
The sound of the rain,
A soft murmur.  
It calms my tense body.  

Soothes my clouded mind,
And there I go, falling into my sleep.
The days I wish I would stay asleep,
In peace and at ease...

The rain has washed me.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
Those sleepless nights, repeat themselves.
The thought of you leaving me out in the open,
Leaving bruised and broken.
I’m numb feeling no emotion.

The accumulation of dust on my bookshelves,
Is the evidence that I haven’t moved in days.
I might be permanently stuck in this haze.
Those sleepless nights, I beg for you to stay.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
I remember telling you,
I’m bittersweet.

My delightful laugh,
A saccharine smile, unforgettable.

My painful cry, causing distress.
Leaving a cicatrix in your mind.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Mar 2019
I'm dubious,

I will never know what life brings for me.
Some days, I believe in my abilities and
Moments later, my other mind will interrogate me.
Who am I and what do I bring by existing?

I will never know since I'm so doubtful.
Doubtful of all the beautiful things in life.
Especially love, since I don't exist
To love anymore.  

If we're not here to love, what are we here for?
If we can barley live, why are we living after all.
Maybe one day I'll find my path,
But for now, I'll continue to be in a quandary.

n.n
changing, shifting, wondering.
bpd
Nivine Nahli May 2018
bpd
Pain will never leave me.
It lingers into my skin,
Leaving aches all over my body.
I’ve become fragile and thin.

Some days I’m the sun,
Other days I’m just pure darkness.
There is no way I could outrun,
The feeling of being heartless.

I beg you to stay by my side,
I question your love for me.
I threaten to leave you behind,
Screaming in pain, don’t leave me.

I interrogate my own existence,
Wondering why and how I’m still here.
I woke up with so much resilience,
For once, not a single fear.

That won’t last long,
In a few minutes I’ll be someone new.
I know, there’s something wrong.
But I wish you had a clue.
Living with BPD.
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
The more I sipped from my coffee,
The more my hands would tremble.
Just like any other addiction.

n.n
I wrote this at the coffee shop.
Nivine Nahli Jul 2018
The bitterness of love,
Is becoming sweetness.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Oct 2018
I tell myself I would forgive people,
Those that have done me wrong.
Forgiveness, will allow me
To let go of my heavy heart.

In reality, the ones that I want to forgive
Are the same exact people who,
Wouldn’t even bother to forgive me.
And we wonder why we can’t let go.

n.n
Forgiveness.
Nivine Nahli May 2018
I’m not ashamed of being delicate.
I’m soft, sweet and gentle.
Yet I’m so fierce and strong.

What makes me delicate?
The fact that I cannot escape my emotions,
That I’m always looking for warmth.
I’m delicate, yet I love so strongly and deeply.

And that’s what breaks me.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
He was her lover,
Her soul was under his responsibility.
Her heart was in his hands,
But he couldn’t take care of it.

She begged him to keep her close,
Closer than a lover.
She prayed he wouldn’t hurt her heart,
Since her heart adored him.

That heart of hers is so deep in love,
It’s melting because of its longing.  

She prayed, don’t hurt my heart.
In denial, that he already has.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
We conseal ourselves behind a mask,
To cover up our flaws and fears.
What are we so ashamed of?
Living as someone we are not.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
The floors that creek,
You’ll hear it in me,
When you step all over me.
You can’t avoid it, even if you tried.
It’s in every crevice.

My broken soul,
My shattered heart.
My lost mind,
My used body.

It’s there, it can’t be fixed.
Leave me the way you found me.
You’ll destroy me as you go.
Eventually, I’ll crumble anyways.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Feb 2019
I want to be alone,
I want to be far from everything
And everyone.  
My own safe place,

That I’ll never have.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
Your love was enough for me,
Your kind heart always satisfied me.

The fear walked us through its lovely darkness,
Fear is what killed us.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
How am I supposed to bloom,
While you step all over me?
How am I supposed to grow,
When I’m thirsty for love.

How can I become beautiful
If I’m left out in the cold.
Maybe you have seen me blossom,
Yet, my insides have decayed.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
I told you about my weakness
You told me you'd love me regardless
I told you about my uniqueness
You told me I'm harmless

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
Her eyes tell so many
Unknown stories.
I wonder what she dreams of,
Her eyes speak to me.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jul 2018
I’ll drown myself at sea,
All I needed was a reason.
I’ve been hurting for years,
My heart is filled with agony.

Maybe in this damaged body
There is still hope somewhere.
How deep does the ocean go?
I cannot rest my eyes at night.

Why does every decent lover,
Only taste sadness within me.
Deliberately I’m disappearing,
No one will know when I reach

The end of the ocean since,
We don’t know how far it goes.  

n.n
goodbye and farewell to my friends and lovers.
Nivine Nahli May 2018
You are no longer a cure for her wound.
Her heart is fed up with all of this hurt.

Go on and forget her forever,
Step away from her path and disappear.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
I need you to hear me.
Save me, protect me.
I need you to watch over me.
No one else will.

Grandma, heal me.

n.n
I love you Grandma.
Nivine Nahli Jul 2018
You wrote compositions
All over her body, with your hands.
She will never forget the poetic scars
That you have left behind.

Within her, there is you.
But without your presence,
She is lost and lonesome.
Lacking the touch of your lips.

The touch, upon her exquisite skin.
The scent of you, will continue to linger
Throughout the room and on her clothes.
A constant reminder, that you’re still around.

Around but nowhere near.

n.n
Remembering you.
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
I was good to you,
I was too good to you.
Feed on me because I’m vulnerable.
Walk away, when you know you’re wrong.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
Had not been for you
My heart wouldn’t beat.

My wounds wouldn’t heal
Without your touch.

I told myself these sad lies.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
Have you ever sat there in the dark,
Weeping tears because of your broken heart?
Telling yourself to wake up from this mess,
Asking ‘why can’t I just feel a little less’.

These emotions tower over your mind,
Kicking into your delicate spine,
Unable to move your body anymore.
Constantly laying on the floor.

This is what it feels like to live with sadness.
Wether your heartbroken, or slightly bliss.
There’s always that emptiness surrounding,
Leaving your heart and head pounding.

n.n
depression
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
I’m no longer who you want me to be.
I’m cold, heartless and lost at sea.
You took my heart and shattered it,
Piece by piece, I tried to make it fit.

It’s gone, it’s broken and it cannot be fixed.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Mar 2019
I feel so connected to the Moon,
It embodies the movement of time.
The Moon, it's so generous and full.
Similar to myself on my good days.  

Other nights, the Moon is inconspicuous.
It could be so small and meager.  
Always changing and illuminating the sky.
Cycling to fade back to nothing; just as I do.

This is why, I connect to the Moon.
Wether I'm vivid or dull, I'm worthy.
Even if you see me or you do not,
I'm here and I will conceive you

With my constant renewal of existence.

n.n
I am the Moon
The cycles, the phases, the rebirth.
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
There are so many moments
In life, that make us question
Who we are and who we have
Become as individuals.
Moments where we lie awake,
Wondering how we got here
In the first place.

Wishing the pain could wash away.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
She’s just like you,
She wants to shine.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
Thinking you were once my home
You were the one
But you are neither
I'm just any other emporium

Come and go as you please
Just like everyone else
There are no variety goods here
I'll make my own nest

I'm not yours
You are not mine

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
Her eyes will no longer cry because of his absence.
Her tears are very precious to her.  

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
The stars and the moon,
Have fallen beneath my feet.
You brought them to me and
It all makes sense now.

Since there is no radiance,  
Above me anymore.
In a split second,
My heart has changed.

Thinking it was kind gestures,
But only taking away what’s left in me.
I have nothing to look up to,
No stars to count, no moon to watch shine.

You left me with darkness.
You took away my universe.
You took what you gave me,
Buried it beneath my feet.

And wondered why I was so cold and empty.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
People are afraid of starting a life,
With someone who will love them
Endlessly.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
I wish I didn't give these people
Parts of me that they do not
Deserve because I can't get
These parts of me back.
Slowly, all of me will vanish.
I'm waiting for that day,
To come around.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
She wondered what her purpose was,
Questioning and searching.
The years of misery and suffering,  
What is she still doing here?

Maybe someday soon,
She will find what she needs.
What she needs is right beneath her feet.
She needs herself, no one else.

She thought she found her lover,
Her purpose and a reason to live.
That lover took everything left of her.
She’s cold and empty,

Searching for her purpose,
She found nothing but a way out.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
In the end, I knew.
You didn’t love me,
As much as I loved you.

n.n
Nivine Nahli May 2018
You only saw the rotting part of me.
When all I saw was you sprouting continuously.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
Just like the seasons,
You’ll catch me changing.
Sometimes for the better,
Or for the worst.

Regardless, I should be loved,
When I’m in every state.
I’ll love you at your best,
But even more at your weakest.  

Since we’re all worthy of love,
Why stop when you’re feeble.
In the winter, I’m brittle and
Without the spring there is

No summer within me.
I’ll crumble in the fall since
We love the colours on the ground.
And the cold that slowly creeps.

I doubt you’ll love the seasons
That change in me.

n.n
Waiting and waltzing.
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
Why are we unable to sleep?
Sleep is much needed.
That is why I'm restless,
Because it's what I need.

Even sleep has been taken from me.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
I hate to admit.
Darling, I miss you.
I hate to say it.
My love, where are you?

I know you’re long gone,
But do I cross your mind?
The way you cross mine?
Questions, never answered.

The way you left says a lot,
It says a lot about you.
I would’ve died for you.
That’s the type of love I give.

You were my all.
But I see now how much,
Just how much I was
For you to slip away.

Slip away so easily.

n.n
so long
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
There is no middle ground.
It’s ice or fire,
I’m cold, fragile.
I’m hot, stubborn.

Constantly shifting,
Never stable.
There is no in between,
But I’m always, in between.

My two worlds.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Jul 2018
At least now the sun,
Could sun kiss my skin.
Just like your warm lips,
Used to do on my happy days.

n.n
Sunshine
Nivine Nahli May 2018
When the sun is bright and warm
I think of my grandmother.
Warming my skin and brightening my mood,
Just like she used to.

I’m thankful for the days where I can feel her presence.

n.n
Rest easy grandma
Nivine Nahli Feb 2019
Losing myself,
It’s no ones responsibility...

But my own.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
Now I understand,
My darkness.
I'm not the sun,
I am the face of the Moon.

Where are you,
My Sunshine.

n.n
The meaning behind my name.
Nivine Nahli Feb 2019
There’s a pattern in our lives.
The moments where things are fine,
We forget to write and express our minds; 
Until the sad days come around.

When these sad days come around,
We search for ways to free our souls
From any darkness or any hurt
That we have to feel once again.  

Wishing these pattens of highs and lows
Wouldn’t come back again and again.
But what is a life, without hurt?
What is a life with pure joy?

Our happiness comes from sadness.
To feel happy, we must go through pain.
Believe it our not, it’s the steady game.
The game of life, the patterns

Of sadness and happiness always shifting.

n.n
There’s no middle ground.
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
This loneliness creeps up,
Devours me and destroys me.
I am hollow and fragile.
Soon enough I will break.

And I will not heal anymore.

n.n
empty, broken, unfixable
Nivine Nahli Sep 2018
I want to liberate myself
From the pain you have caused me.
Although, I don’t want to blame you
It’s the sad truth of what you have done.

You left behind a woman
Who would have given you life.
You left behind a woman
Who would have given you a family.

Maybe that woman
Wasn’t what you wanted
At that very exact moment,
But she’s exactly what you’ll need

When you’re growing old and alone.
A woman to hold you, mend you
Love you and care for you.
That woman was me.

Now I’m gone and I no longer exist.

n.n
You lost me, the woman who would have given you everything.
Nivine Nahli Aug 2018
Love will either be
My saviour,
Or it will be
The death of me.

There’s nowhere in between.

n.n
save me or **** me
Nivine Nahli Jun 2018
Touch me, as if you love me.
Hold me in your filthy arms.

Kiss me with those lying lips  
Tell me these flattering remarks.

Nothing could be more fallacious,
Than this kind of love.

This is all a lie.

n.n
Nivine Nahli Nov 2018
How does it feel, when he touches you?
Do you think of me by any chance?
Or does he give you everything that you need.
I want to know, if I race through your consciousness.

There's nothing that I want more,
But for you to be happy and satisfied.
You are a queen and you deserve,
All of the best things in life, given to you.

I've always been apprehensive
About not being abundant, which
Made me become cruel towards you.
I've demolished so much of us.

I wish you could forgive me.
Even though you belong to someone new,
I'll constantly be in need of you.
I want to give you more than what he can.

But is that a possibility?
I never admit my jealously,
Since you merit every bit of goodness
That he could give to you.

I want you to belong to me.
I'm afraid to think of,
All of the ways he can touch you
That I can't, or won't be able to.

And I know you're fixed,
Between two worlds right now.
But who is your heaven,
Who is your Earth?

n.n
Choose me.
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