the words that were once too hard to say
now fall out of my mouth
but you still don’t wanna hear them

if someone were to ask me to describe how i feel
i’d point to the naked trees, the empty schools
words no longer hold that ability to describe
even the clouds come and go
mocking me
where the **** are the constants in my life
i miss the regularity
the certainty
that a single thing will remain the same way tomorrow

there was a time
when i struggled to feel
and now it consumes me

let my lungs ache
like my heart did
maybe then of you my mind would be rid
gone and away
i’ll be sky high
not a care in the world
one last goodbye
why do i suddenly matter when i’m no longer there
can’t be with you
and i can’t be without
you wanted me gone and so i left
if i scream from inside will it echo in your shadows
these thoughts haunt my every night and yet i know they aren’t enough
i don’t want to exist as a distant memory
i want to make it through what they thought i couldn’t
i deserve much more than i’ve allowed myself
it only took time for me to realise it

i can feel myself drifting
slowly
like the water that carries these boats
the clouds that take over the sky and then disappear
living on borrowed time
my own existence is temporary
and unlike this water, unimportant
the water runs one way
i drift aimlessly
no end is foretold
endless possibilities
and yet
i can just so easily cease to exist
throw it all away
decide for myself how my story will be told
they’ll say ‘she lived’
so i must

behind the face carrying the biggest smile
the silent screams echo
get them to stop they’re getting too loud
no one knows where I go
when you turn off the light
and you say it’s alright
the girl you meet is not me
stuck in a place only i see
losing my mind, slowly
thoughts rushing inside, so deep
how many times can you believe
this constant fear, on repeat
that this is all that’s left for me?
why can’t I just ******* leave?

like a bird
he cut off my wings
the cage is open but my heart it stings
i’m now his puppet
******* by strings
burying me alive
rubble weighing me down  
my heads under water so i will drown
i have no choice for he wears the crown

Everything’s shaking
My mind can’t decide what to believe
My starry skies disappear behind your darkness
Time has passed and you remain
The memories, the pain
Consume me entirely
I see the smiles and the laughter and my face moves accordingly
I’m trying but they see right through me
They know
Where have I gone
I was right here and now
I’m right there with you
That’s all you wanted
My stars in your sky
My system blank
My lights all out

i’ve lost our footprints in the sand
lost to your tide

time may heal
but the wound remains

all the pain that i've felt
i can feel washing away
every word of his, it's like
a brand new day

my mind feels black
swallowed up in darkness
nothing can save me
i dont need saving
this is where i want to be
lost and isolated
alone
finally
away
from him
from them
left only with the words inside my head
and the blade inside my hand
and the blood on the ground
and the dried tears on my face
he cant hurt me here
he wont hurt me
these arents his words anymore
they're mine

while i was there, you never noticed
but now that i've left
you're hoping
that i'll be back running
into your arms crying
but that reality is left broken
after the choices that you made
mum, dad, it's all too late
i wanted things to change
in the end, you're all the same
i'm sorry that you're upset
but it was you who let it get
to the point where i finally left
you alone in that house
that i was forced to call home
i'm making things change
i'm finding my own way
no longer could i stay
and that's something you need to understand

an icy wind
choking the breath from my lungs
i remember the storm
and all it took
it stayed inside
locked away
a burning shadow
no time to waste

i was a different person then
i was happy

consumed by pain, my eyes they close
these tears they drop as you get closer
i want you gone and yet you stay
hand in hand, we walk away
listening to you, i start to believe
that there's nothing more that i need
no food, no sleep, no therapy
just us together, you and me
you walk me closer to the edge
you push me off and leave me dead
consumed by pain, my eyes they close
only difference this time is that they won't open

stood at the stands
our hands catching the wind
we shout every word
as she starts to sing

i can't breathe, i can't breathe
mum, dad i truly need
for you be here with me
why can't you be here with me
why can't you see
that there's only
so much more that i cant take
the abuse, the tears, the heartbreak
it might become too much for me
i think it's becoming too much for me
some days, i just want to close my eyes and leave
- but i wake up the same old me
the one that i don't want to be

you see him constantly breaking me down
his words like daggers, his arms around
my neck, i drop and fall to the ground
my words stuck, i cant make a sound
i can't protest, i can't even cry
still too numb to even try
i can't breathe, i can't breathe

saw you across the room
laughing so hard, you cried
the perfect smile, the prettiest eyes
you were hiding behind your glasses
but then again so was i
but you delved deeper, tried
to find what i thought was lost inside
you sat there, listened and took the time
to really see what was behind
the face i put on everyday
no questions asked
no games were played
we spoke and spoke and spoke some more
you confirmed to me what i knew before
that i don't ever want to say goodbye
to that perfect smile or those pretty eyes

silence is the sole constant
it hangs in the air like the
suspended moment before a falling glass shatters to the ground
clinging like a toxic cloud that could
at any moment choke the life from me
it seeps into - every - pore
its qualities paralytic
i liked it that way

the fear embraces me
- the pain gives me comfort
the emptiness is all i need
and all i want
i can go without food
without water
without you -
but what i really seek is the silence

i dont know why you stay
but im so thankful that you do

in your arms i feel safe
without them i'm lost, alone and insecure
i know you won't always be here
but i'm selfish
i need you
i need you there when i can't control the tears
i need you there when the voices keep coming
i need you there when the words don't stop
but you wont be and
i need to realise that
...

i was a burning fire
whose flame you blew out

you fall in love with all the wrong people
you let them in
tell them everything
you trust them
and just like that they're gone
you were once so in love you refused
to see the other side
the fatal flaw
now you realise how stupid you were
all your emotion left raw
i hate this
i hate how much my life revolved around you
i hate that i felt i needed you
because now without you here i feel
nothing

always here beside me
promised me you'd never go
soon the night came crawling back
and behind it you followed
without your light, the starry skies
they bring me to my knees
once you're gone, all that's left
is this cruel, mocking breeze
all those days you shone
all those times i laughed
you lied to me and now
they're never coming back

you could shred me to the core
and i'd let you

i feel weightless
as if i'm invisible
i could float away
like a star
that no one would wish on
no one would notice
and for once, i would be free
no longer stuck to this hell I call home

inhaling the third time, it hits me
giddy and careless, i smile
there's no where else i'd rather be
just here
with you
under this umbrella in the pouring rain
my clothes are still getting wet
but it doesn't matter
nothing does right now
nothing matters

i don't really ever feel like this
but i'm here and i feel present
and i'm glad

i've never felt like this before
this calm
this peace
surrounded by the greatest friends
i know now they care for me
laughter echoes your living room
your cat, gaining speed
stood together in a line
perfecting that dance routine
eating and drinking
making brand new memories
walking home in the rain
not wanting to ever leave

i'm just so angry, frustrated, mad
its so constant, it builds up, fast
i hate it, you know it, i do
need someone who cares, it used to be you
what happened dad? where did it all go?
did you forget how to love? to show
the emotions i know you had.

i hate how easily i can be forgotten
left as an afterthought
although i don't know how long for
just know i'm still around
you shower her with gifts and treats
while i'm treated like ****
you ridicule me, beat me and enjoy each part of it
leaving everything sore you smile
you see a bruise and laugh
a cut couldn't make you happier
a burn would be twice that
is there no way forward?
i don't want to be scared all my life
never daring to come alive
because right now i'm the walking dead
there's nothing left in me anymore
you've broken me down so much
it's as far as i can go
i wake up every morning
for what? i don't know
i only have but one request dad,
it's for you to let me go

love is a big word
hard to understand
easy to misconstrue
i know that i love pizza
i know that i love my friends
but the love there isn't the same
i know that to be able to love anyone else
i need to first love myself
and i know that i don't
i don't love myself

"it's so selfish of you to want more when others have so much less"
i'm sorry that i want a family who cares
i apologise for needing them to get on
it seems stupid of me to want them to accept my sexuality
crazy to even think i deserve someone
who believes my mental health is a real problem
i can't believe that i would ever ask not to be forced into a religion
a mindset i don't agree with
"still, it could be worse
you could be living in a war zone
starving to death
with no family at all"
what you don't know is that i'm constantly at war with myself
that my bulimia can't be controlled
that the family i have wish that i would disappear and rid them of their problems
don't pretend to understand
i already have too many people that fit into that category

all feeling in my body gone
numb
the tears follow
my hand instinctively reaches for the blade
i pull down my sleeve
reminders of yesterday remain
no vacancies
i try again
i lift myself out of my clothes
my battered body reflected in the mirror
joy
my thighs still hold the colour of my skin
and not the rapidly familiar crimson dye
the blade makes its way down
the cold metal devours its target
1, 2, 3
66, 67, 68
83, 84, 85
and on it goes
all done

each day i ask myself
is there ever going to be more?
more than this life that i'm forcing myself to live
i need to know that this all ends well
that my fairy tale ending will happen
that i matter to someone
that i will find my one true love
and we will live happily ever after
that maybe my parents will finally accept me for me
maybe there will come a time when
i stop hiding from myself
when i stop being so afraid of rejection
but then i think what if?
what if there isn't anything more?
what if nothing ever changes?
what if i can't stop hating the person i am?
and i hate thinking like this but i can't stop it
why can't i stop it?
why won't it just stop?
please. make it stop!

without me, their lives go on,
not once have they cared
no once have they called
for me to come to them
so they can let me know
that they do love me
and that i am cared for
maybe this is all i need
to be here all alone
and though i'm not content
and know i'll never be
i guess i've got to accept
the life that's given to me

i remember a time when you were
right here by my side
attached by the hip
not a thing that we would hide
from each other because we were close
and now it feels
as if time has froze
because of the decision
that we chose to make
i know it was me who initiated this break
but each day my poor heart aches
and longs for the familiar feel
of your head on my shoulder
your hands in mine
but here i am serving my time
away from you and the love that you gave
how safe you made me feel
the smile i can't replace
but in my heart i know this is right
i've got to let you go
gotta turn off that light

it feels as if i'm walking on egg shells
trying desperately to keep everyone happy
being careful not to upset anyone around me
i mustn't disturb the order
but i'm starting to lose my balance
and i'm worried it'll be me
who will end up broken

sitting here empty
staring into space
wanting to scream
wanting to cry
wanting to finally let it all out
yet so emotionless
too tired to feel

i'm staring into the void
the darkness so inviting
i think about what it would be like
to let the emptiness consume me
then i think about what it would be like
to stop fighting the urge to jump
into the abyss
all the way down
no more problems
no more me

you fell in love with my beauty
both inside and out
you fell in love with my shyness
and the personality that lay beneath
you fell in love with my broken soul
and the pieces that fit with your own
but can you fall in love
with my poisoned mind
and the destruction it brings

angry, alone, scared
what was i thinking
how could i have dared
to stand up against you
take hold of you hand
still wasn't quick enough
since the sands
of time have already been drained
just like my head in this stupid game
of yours which you continue to play
i keep thinking that someday
things will be different
you'll both change
i guess not so here i stay
like everything else i'll leave this to fate

cleaned my face, fixed my hair
washed away all my tears
now stood here looking at you
wondering why, so confused
i ask around
you say you're fine
but here you are alone crying
how could you have been so stupid
how could you have let them in
you thought that they would change
well darling think again

lying here on the kitchen floor beaten and bruised
lying here on the kitchen floor looking at you
i know just what i need to do
do you all a favour and leave for good
there's so many ways that i could
i could climb this chair to the ceiling fan
tie a knot in the rope and leave me to hang
i could find that gun hidden in the walls
one good shot should end it all
i could seek out that blade
lose my sense of right and wrong
a few deeper cuts, it shouldn't take long
all i'm saying is that i could leave here tonight
but you wouldn't care, wouldn't put up a fight
a suicide note i've had no time to write
mum, dad i'm saying goodnight

let me be your most
brightest reflection in the
darkest night,
let me clear the cloud
of your ominous dark sky

i wake up every morning
and i make breakfast
i sit beside you and i eat
i read and sometimes make conversation too
but you don't know me enough
to know that i'm not really there
you haven't really ever tried
you see the scars painted across my thighs
you hear me crying to myself at night
it doesn't matter that you never see me smile
because i'm still here
still alive
if i was to leave tonight
without even saying goodbye
would you care then
would you try
would you finally realise
that i needed you to love me, mum
and you let me down
night after night
you've let me down one too many times
and here i am telling you, goodbye

words stuck in my throat
words i'd never say out loud
words you'd never get to hear
words you'd never want to hear
words i've always wanted to say
words that would change everything
words that need to be said
but these words have found their place
and these words have decided never to leave