from a pegasus, i was a feather plucked.
drifting through the air, i wonder where my right hand went.
when i clench my fist, there’s nothing there
and as my eyes roam the room,
there’s not another soul in sight.
alone in the cold,
shelter had to forcibly be found.
fleeing through the flames, my stinger fell away
as a charred and scarred phoenix emerged.
aware to the deterioration of the world.
the anger and pain ran down the line,
until the line met me.

i’m different but i’m still growing.

A fiery pit
is blossoming inside of
my chest.
Where my heart
used to reside
no longer resides
a place capable of any
love.
Hate slithers in
like the first rays
of sunlight
on a Sunday morning
consuming me before I even open my eyes.

and I’m finding out
that the only way to
silence the voices in my head
is to scream my own voice raw
and drown them out.
bubbling up like a volcano
on the cusp of erupting
is every penny I’ve ever collected.
holding the memories of what
could never be again.

I’m not sure what
I hate more.
How you made me feel
or myself?

I wish you loved me as much as you hate my depression
and if we’re confessing
I wish for your words
to caress me.
Touch me,
gently.
I wish for your actions to translate into symbols
my half blind eyes will see coming from miles away.
even when
I leave my glasses at home.
I wish wishes equaled more than just a wish.
I wish a wish would wish for me.

Who knew it would be the silence that would get to me?
Seeping all into my skin
and slithering its way through my veins.
Pulling built up pain along the way
and bringing
Darkness.
A cold blanket that stole my warmth,
Darkness was what I was used to.
Then, he brought the light.

I’m feeling like giving up.
As I sit and gaze into nothin’
I hear my heart thumpin
through the music that’s crumpin
in my ears.
and I’m wishin
for it to all slow down
and stop.
I’m wishing I could
replace my blood with molasses
and then slit my wrist and watch.
Watch as the life drains from my eyes.
Would you believe me if I told you, that wasn’t a lie?
Not an exaggeration
or a tale?
Of course you wouldn’t
because you aren’t me
you don’t have my mind
or the thoughts that creep in.
and with a mouth
that is permanently disconnected
from my mind,
how will I ever get you
to understand
why I am the way I am?

Tic, tic, tic
BOOM.
Ticking.
I am a ticking time bomb
and I’ve been doused in gasoline.
I feel like I’ve been snagged
on a fishing line
and I’m being reeled in.
A fish hook in my heart?
My heart is liable to drain.
Fully.
Have you seen a drained heart?
Empty.
It looks empty
about as empty as I feel.
This is all over the place.
I guess it is true what they say,
you lose your mind before you lose
your life..
which would mean
Death should be honored.
I am close to Death and
Death is close to me.

They say silence does something to a person
and it does.
I’ve been drowning in silence for years now
and you know what it looks like?

it’s dark.
almost like a black hole
because it swallows the light,
is never ending
and it burns
deep
deep into your soul.

this silence
is never ending
and it hurts my ears.
and makes me sad.

I remember a time
when this silence
used to be filled with
talking.
But, I also remember a time
when all I knew was silence.
So why does this bother me?
Why does this silence
feel like it’s clawing away
at my heart
and my skin?
I feel like it’s ripping me
into shreds
and I can do nothing but
standby and be
a bystander to my own
massacre.

one more line added
to my collection.
one more line added
to the sketchbook
I call my body.

These voices keep asking me
“Will you repent?”

and yes,
but only if I am gifted with death.

I secluded me.
Bolted the lock
and then tossed the key.
and then I looked at myself and asked
‘Why am I so lonely?’
I keep asking why.
but
wasn’t it my own doing?
why did I cut ties?
why did I disappear from peoples lives..?
and the truth is:
I was preparing to die.
but now
I am alive..
Alive and alone
living a life I’d rather disown.
who would want this life filled w dread?
I wish was dead.
So I wouldn’t have to suffer
from things in my head
and the things in my chest.
I confess
that maybe
I am a mess
and maybe
someone should throw me away.

‘Who can you count on?’
My shadow.
It never leaves me
without a doubt
It follows me.
When I die,
It dies with me.
it’s just me and my shadow,
unfortunately.

I should break every single finger of mine.
Starting with my pinky
and ending with my thumbs.
I should snap them like carrots
at every ******* knuckle.

“Why?”
why not?,
would be the simpler answer.

but in reality,
simplicity is really
unknown
to me.

I wish to feel a different pain.
Even if that means,
grabbing my scissors
and slicing each vein.

I should lay in the street.
Right in the middle.
and wait.
Maybe if I wear all black
I’d be unnoticed.
or I could be myself
cause she seems to be invisible anyway..
either way,
I wish this rain would stay.
that way if i was seen
laying in the middle of the street,
slowing and braking
wouldn’t even save me.

Sometimes I wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Which means I wish I didn’t talk
or converse.
I wish words didn’t fall from my lips
like a waterfall of
meaningless nothings.
Falling with swift abandon
and landing recklessly.
I just wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Being mute appears to be made for me.

Leave them be and take me.
Why take them away from their family?
Why not take me?
Those affected would be
maybe two or three.
truly.

and to wilt
parallel a flower.
I sag,
I flap
and I flop.
but never flip.
in truth!
I am decaying.
starving
because they starved me
and corrupted my seed.
before i knew it
the fusarium wilt
was my disease.
someone could’ve cured me,
watered me.
but instead of
mollifying
they
mummified
me.
dried me
into crumbs of
leaves.
nothing but dust
that decided to fly away
with the breeze.
to wilt is to wither away into nothing.

and to go faint
as in, to become dull.
that whimsical light is
erratically the same
yet never enough.
it is distorting and
it contorts
my colors.
my ambience is
disrupted
by the Eclipse of-
WAIT.
how can I grow
when no (sun)light is
raining unto my path?
drip
       drip
               drop.
    stay.
witness as I go
from this vibrant color
to a washed out gray.
I stood in the mirror
face-to-face
with the girl who wears my face
and I watched it drain.
with death looming over
her shoulder
and no angel in sight..
to go faint would be to wither and drown in my own cries.

and to rot.
all day, around the clock.
I am that sad flower
hiding in your *** .
unable to be set ablaze
by the radiant light,
called love.
so I sit
and I wait.
I rest my leaves
in defeat.
it seems as though
I might be granted this reprieve.
and the truth is I was murdered
long before I decided to **** me.
I used to be
unseasoned.
I was fresh
untouched by filth.
but now I am
spoiled
with mold
like bread and milk.
so beware of the signs
for this infectious malady,
it might be contagious.
and in truth,
a remedy
could be made for me
or so they tell me.
what they don’t understand
is I already tried.
I tried to comply
and I tried to rest my eyes.
yet the only thing prescribed
are these drugs
with the death of my mind
being the main effect,
on the side.
to rot would be to not only wither away but also to die.

you
remind me of the
blues.
each different shade
of blue
equals you.
each of your tones
resonates truth.
that is true
and oh so true
the way I feel for you.
tranquil like blue,
a lake of blue.
the way I always feel
around you
almost like a
sky blue.
a blue
that is just
enough blue
to make you
move groovy
like the Blues.
you
make me
feel blue
without being
blue,
like a navy blue.
a blue that has blue
on top of its’ blue.
a blue times blue times blue,
that’s you
and it’s crazy
because
i only feel things
because of you.
together
me and you,
a perfect image
of solitude.
and you are
solid
too.
real is you.
no camouflage
or ruse.
just you.
like you are
one of the deepest blues.
you make me feel deep
like some negative
2’s.
I’d happily dive into you
like an ocean blue.
constantly evolving into
different blues
that’s you
(always you).
you are my Blue
and blue is you.

I am a home.
I welcome you home.
When you are sad,
to I you come.

“Don’t touch me”.
That’s what I think in my head every time
you come near me.
“Don’t touch me”.
Keep your fat fingers away from me.
You ***** me
with your eyes and your mind,
you kidnapped me.
Took me on a rollercoaster of a emotions
only to drop me from the top.
You dropped me from the top
and expected me to land on top
of you.
I wouldn’t touch you even if you paid me to.
Even if you wanted me to.
I would rather choose to lose
everything
than to be caressed by you.

I married you.
Decided to spend my life with you.
But
That was before the betrayal.
Before the kid.
Before you did what you did
and said what you said.
Before sleeping next to you meant
sexually being touched
and before you stopped trusting me.
So I sleep away
from the stress of being awaken.
It’s nice.
Being able to think and hear my own thoughts
instead of hearing your snores
that rock me almost as much as your words do.
Did.
As much as your words did.

This is goodbye
and saying I’m sorry would be a lie.
Since you are unable to recognize
what was blatantly in front of your eyes.
I must leave.
I must flee.
I must retreat
and the next time you see me,
make sure you ignore me.
Pretend you ain’t see me.
It’s over.

Sincerely,
Your Ex-Wifey

and my chest keeps constricting.
tightening.
and my eyes keep watering.
gushing.
and my head keeps hurting.
throbbing.

feels like theres a hand clamped around my heart .
squeezing
and tightening .
tighter and tighter .
until I can’t breathe .
like I’m trapped in my own head ,
nailed to my own
coffin .
almost like I dug the hole ,
so now I have to lay in it .
a bed of nails ,
to be my home for all eternity .
granted my own void .
a black hole filled with nothing but misery .
a place where you’re
married to the mistress of death .
a sneaky snake who slithers into the darkest parts of your mind
then brings them out .
no ‘out of sight out of mind’ ,
it’s always on your mind
all of the time .
it’s anxiety.