Why does it feel as though happiness
is unattainable for me?
Unreachable no matter how far I stretch.
Untouchable no matter how much I yearn for it.
And whenever I do seem to grasp it,
it always vanishes into thin air.
Leaving me wishing for a different time.

I remember being a toddler,
standing in a candy store..
Staring in awe at the sweets around me
and wishing I was big enough
to grab one of the huge lollipops
on the top shelf.
With no adult in sight of my little eyes
I had only one thought running through my mind
“I can’t wait until I’m older..”

and now,
here I am.
Older and what I feel and see now are
my thoughts and dreams,
my wants and pains,
my desires..

I see them swirling and mixing;
one becoming the other until I can tell nothing apart.

What hurts me just might be my destiny.

I wish for a reality where all things are crystal
and all paths are clear.
To know where my soul truly belongs
and to not wander.

A wandering heart knows of only temporary love
and a temporary love
can only end in
abandonment.

You wonder,
“Are you running from me?”
And my answer is,
“Yes, but only if you’re this reality”

Agonizing over you is what I’m best at.
The memories of us scream through my mind
during the times I should be sleeping.

You’re all I can think about,
even though I’d rather forget you.
You’re all I want,
even though I know you’ll never want me..
Again.

I wish I could forget you.

But, instead I’m ablaze
in the memory of us.
While you simply wander through the streets of life,
I seem to be streaking.
Every street consumed by fire,
I miss your heat.
Your warmth.

but decay and destruction are all I know now.

Who knew that it would be your love
that would burn me alive?

I
am
at war.
with my heart and my brain.
my soul and my mind.
it’s a free for all battle
right in front of my eyes.
but instead of attacking each other,
they only attack me.

I can feel my heart beating.
Too hard.
Each pump pushes
not only the blood throughout my body
and the air in and out of my lungs
but it also
unleashes doses
of pain.
lethal in high amounts
and unfortunately for me
it feels like the whole bottle has been emptied into my system.
As I close my eyes, I can hear the words
my damaged heart whispers into my ear.

A plea for me
to cut away
all the ties
of this world
and to curl up
with the only one
I know means peace..
Me.

But, my brain is intent on interrupting those thoughts.
It has its own need to manipulate the feelings swirling inside of me.
It has its own agenda,
one where it leaves me standing over a ledge
overlooking my own downfall.
stranded and wondering,

why do I tear myself down?
because my mind tells me to.

the words that wiggle themselves down my eardrums have one and only one goal in mind.
and that is to torture me for the rest of my time.

and it’s working.

a storm is brewing within my head.
Rain and hail beat down on my brain
like they’re the hands
and my brain is the drum.

the sound it makes is enough to bring a man to his knees.

a beautiful masterpiece at the price of a life.

but I guess that’s okay
because that life never mattered anyways.

or so my mind tells me.

who am I to listen to, when both want me dead?
A heart that is tired of beating?
Or mind that is tired of thinking?

(Either way, I’m *******.)