Everything I’m writing is a waste of time .
Tell me ,
What will this change ?
How will this eliminate that pain in my chest ?
Explain how writing my thoughts out can possibly help me .
Because these words feel useless .
Half filled water balloons
but instead of water
it’s fire .
Throwing fire balloons
Yet I live in a wooden shed .
None of this makes any sense .

These words feel like they’re burning a hole
In this poem
And not one you’re likely to remember .
Something insignificant .
Something only a grain of sand could fall through .
Tell me ,
How can someone as unimportant as me
Truly be heard ?
I speak when spoken to
And sometimes I speak just because .
But instead of a voice , all you hear are squeaks.
Unused to truly vocalizing what’s important to me
Because every time I used to try to speak my piece ,
They muted me .
How can I speak
If my problems don’t mean
A **** thing .
I talk about me to me
So much yet I don’t care about me .
So , my problems ?
They mean less to me than me .

Crazy .
That's what I must be .
I must be losing my mind .
My head hurts so much ,
A self inflicted pain on accident ,
I swear .
What is happenening to me ?
Water falling from my eyes .
Mental pain turning physical ,
Why does my heart hurt ?
I feel like my mind is attacking itself .
World War One
all over
in my head
Bullets flying
Memories being killed
Can't be right ,
Trust me the pain is left
Left as in wrong this pain is wrong
Rambling
I'm rambling .
Crazy ,
I'm going crazy .
Mentally unstable .
Imagine being mentally unstable .
You can't , can you ?
Why would you want to imagine losing your
mind ?
Could you even imagine losing something that
was never yours ?
I feel like a wrecked ship
Lost at sea .
I'm lost in my head
Thinking so much
My head is pounding.
Started left only to consume everything right .

Wicked .
What a wicked curve
In this race of sanity .
Giving me the blueprints of a wild mind
One that can't possibly be mine
my mind
Can't possibly be breaking
Shattering .
I'm shattering .
Cracking
Into a million pieces .
It is me , I know that
But it's like I'm watching me
Fall apart ,
Feeling every single emotion
Almost as if I wrote this screenplay
A movie of my own downfall
Written by me .
Starring me .
But , it isn't me
It is me
But it isn't me
A broken me .
Beaten down and bloodied up ,
I wish I would have known
A broken mind continues to break
Until it's fully broken .

12/3 trapped

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner
of your own mind ?
To feel trapped inside your own head .
Confined to a room w four walls
of nothing .
Almost like you were just dropped into this void .
An empty space filled with gloominess and
so much shade .
Feels as though I started off as a being with a
soul ,
A spirit if you may .
but slowly I've turned into a nonentity .
someone you don't notice is gone
until you need something .
until you need to release those feelings you hold
inside ,
you wouldn't notice me even if I died .
And I would cry ,
If I had any tears left .

Oh and do you know how it feels to want to
hide from yourself ?
Hide from the guilt
Hide from the shame
Hide from who you really are
whoever that is .
I am tired of this mask I am forced to wear .
Cloaking myself in the scent of happiness ,
Just so I can trick my thoughts into
Disappearing .
If only for a little while .
Oh how I wish for lucidity .
I just want to be heard
to be truly figured out .
I want someone to put together my mess
of a puzzle .
save me from myself
because she's a tricky one .
save me from this life filled with nothing
but endless pain .
every day is filled with the want to disappear
into thin air .
Evaporate into the heavens above
Or melt into the fires below

All I want is to not feel a thing .
But instead I feel every jab of words .
Like a stab wound to my chest
with a twist .
The twist being me holding that knife
To  my own throat .
Do you know how it feels to hold the dagger of
death ?
One incision ,
One puncture and it's all over .

I'm missing a piece ,
a piece of my heart .
and that piece died years ago ..
literally ,
you were my light in a dark room .
my laughter when all I wanted to do was cry ,
you were
you are
my sister .

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to see the light
leave your eyes
oh how alone you must have felt
to have to die in a bathroom with nothing but
bubbles and
a bathtub of water .
"mom , help!"
"***** , save me!"
"baby brothers , are you there?"
"can anyone hear me?!"
if only you could have spoken ,
I wonder what you would have yelled .
oh , poo , I am sorry that I wasn't there .
I'm sorry that it was you
and not me .
I would give you my life if I could ,
wrap it up in newspaper just so I could see you
tear it apart
just one more time ,
for old times sake .
maybe play some music so I can see your
smile
light up my room
and light up my life .
you will forever be my missing piece  ,
my puzzle will never be complete
without you ..

Love ,
***** .

"a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life."

i miss my memories .
the ones i can remember so vividly .
back when she was my best friend ,
he was my end ,
and she was my cousin.
i miss my feelings .
not the ones that remind me
of a time not worth living .
engrossed in my sisters drowning
nightmares plagued me
because i blamed me .

i miss when everything was so effortless .
being me was a manifest
error , something that was luminous .
lighting up my world with darkness .
back when i wasn't weak .
felt indestructible, nothing could destroy me .
except maybe a heartbreak ..
or three .

i miss when i did not miss .
back when remembering "this
and that " ,
didn't mean a panic attack .
back when being happy
was a state of mind
instead of something
i wanted to be mine .
back when i wasn't afraid to connect .
before you and everyone left
and i was  like our govenment .
a little off balanced ,
without being checked .

i miss who i used to be
because i am not sure
how to be
this "after" me .

Pathetic.
That’s what I’d call you.
Just plain miserable
and manipulative.
You tricked me into giving you the world .
Deceived me into believing that you’d never do me *****
You blinded me by your lies
“Forget about them , you have me.”
But , I didn’t really have you ..
Did I ?
You took what you wanted .
You let me put you before myself .
But ?
I don’t even blame you .
Maybe if I would’ve been in your position ,
Being offered the world
And only being asked for friendship in return ..
Maybe then I would’ve robbed you of your trust .
And your love .

You were my best friend .
My ace ,
My platonic soulmate .
And I treated you as much .
But, what was I ?
To you ,
What was I ?
A personal tutor ?
Remember those last two essays that you just couldn’t get done ?
Who helped you ?
Who stayed up after an exhausting day at work ,
After having to bike home in the cold and rain ?
Just so you could pass and not worry.
Maybe , I was just a free ride .
Always taking you places ,
Always giving you the keys and letting you do whatever.
You filled the tank maybe twice
within a nine month period .
And I never once said anything .
Oh I got it , I was your ATM.
Whenever you needed money ,
I was glad to help .
Whether it was for an Uber so you could go to your volleyball tournament
Since your own “mother” couldn’t take you
Or whether it was for a Plan B because
YIKES
Your boyfriend didn’t know how to pull out .
Hm , I guess I was also a personal shopper .
Buying you clothes when I bought me some .
You didn’t wanna spend your money ?
That was fine .
I would spend mine
And you didn’t even have to ask.
I was everything except your friend
and that’s all I wanted to be .

I should’ve seen this coming .
I should have KNOWN .
Looking back
All I can see are the signs ,
Foreshadowing what was to come .
You started to change right in front of my own eyes
but I didn’t want to believe it .
Didn’t want to believe what I could clearly see .
You started to ignore me .
For days on end .
Living in the same house became something like a
Silent war .
Everyone against me .
Including you .
You started to disappear into your room .
There were no more lifetime movie marathons together .
No more staying up and goofing around together .
No more talking about any and everything together .
I lost you way before I knew I lost you
and that makes my heart ache
like a pre-existing bruise
getting hit over and over again .

This feeling.
Like a million butterflies circling around one
Rose.
A rose of love.
Or is it death?
I could never tell.
It doesn't matter,
I suppose.
As long as what's meant to happen,
Happens
Before anything prevents that from happening.

What is going to happen?
Will he forget me like a song forgotten?
Slowly starts as one forgets a verse here
And there.
And the next thing you know the melody is all you know
Until you don't even know that anymore.

Or will he remember me and return?
Like one would come back to their
Home.
Ol Home Sweet Home.
Where the heart resides.
As they say,
If you truly love someone,
Set them free.
If he returns,
He cares for me as much as I love all of him.
Even if he's never going to say that
4 letter word.
At least I'll know and have my peace.
A peace in this seemingly un-win-able war.
But,
If he doesn't,
I guess it was not meant to be.
Ouch.
I wonder if ones heart could take that without seizing up
And ripping it's own self apart.
That pain would be unbearable.
Unbearably painful enough to
Stop Death in his tracks
And make him question his own life.

What if he's different when he returns home?
Cold and calculated because
The Rules
Are all he knows and now he's forced to
Try to mold himself back into a world
He willingly left behind.
Stop.
"Don't think like that."
I try to tell myself,
But it isn't working
Because it true
And that's a pain I know all too well.
He's leaving this world behind.
The world I belong too.
So, if he leaving this world
Willingly
Wouldn't that men he's leaving me
Willingly?
Yes? Yes.
No? No.
Maybe? Maybe not.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.

To be continued..

My head hurts.
Bad.
A product of overthinking, I would imagine.
And anxiety.
I can never be happy.
Not fully anyways.
Everything has its expiration date.
Even happiness.
Especially happiness.
But, I just don't understand what makes me different.
Different?
Different.
Why must I go through these things?
Why must I feel this pain?
This headache?
This feeling?
What did I do?
I lived.
I lived and my sister died and that's the honest truth.
But, why?
Why have I been chosen to live a...
Wait.
Not "chosen". But, forced.
Why have I been forced to live a life I do not want?
A life I do not deserve?
And that's the million dollar question.

Tell me.
So, is this how it’s going to be?
How it will always be?
Me busting my back trying to make you proud,
And you not even noticing or caring to notice?
 
Is this how I will always feel?
Like I’m not good enough
Like I’ll never be good enough.
No matter how hard I try?
 
Elaborate.
Please open my eyes to your understanding of how I should be treated.
Let me into your mind.
Share your daily thoughts.
Whatever goes through your head when you see me.
 
What am I doing so wrong?
Why won’t you love me?
Or treat me like your own?

I don't believe in YOUR “God”.
I don’t believe in anything.
How could I?
Why would I?
They tell me to pray about it..
Pray to who?
Why would he listen?
Who is He?

All of my life,
It has been shoved down my throat.
This “religion” of sorts.
Never can I get a break.
Never.

I was taught that your “God”
Wouldn’t accept me.
That I was a disgrace.
Why would I believe in someone like that?


So, no.
No, I won’t believe.
I can’t believe.
Even if you think
I should believe.
*I won’t.

He's gone.

Give me your hand,
Lemme guide you into my twisted mind.
Lend me your ears,
Lemme scream to you my pain.
Provide me your eyes,
Lemme show you the darkness.
Sell me your trust,
and I'll give you mine.
Grant me the gift of forgiveness,
Lemme forgive myself.
Give me the strength to survive,
The will to carry on,
and the heart to care.
**As I pray to a God I may or may not believe in.

Locked in a room.
No windows,
No doors,
No lights,
No escape.
Just darknees. Black EVERYWHERE.
Walls...
Why are there so many walls?!
Of words.
In a language I don't recognize.
I'm stuck in a room..
Stuck in a language I do not know.

What is this life?
Please, tell me what it is.
They tell me to believe,
but I don't know how.
How do I believe?
In what, shall I believe?
In myself?
What a joke.
Because to be honest,
I am a failure, who can't do anything right.
Which is what they say, anyway.
But, it's okay.
Because I'll get myself right one day.
*One day soon.
Sooner than you think.

The World Is Filled With Chaos.
Or Rather People Who Create It.
Filling The World With Their Lies,
And Pointless Sayings.
Breaking Hearts,
And Starting Wars.
On And Off The Battlefield
Until Our Body Is Broken,
And Our Soul Is Bruised.
When Will We Realize That All Wars Are Not Worth Fighting?
Sometimes It Is Better To Give Up
When The Person You're Trying To Save
Doesn't Want To Be Saved.
So Instead You Try To Save Yourself
From The World Of Dark Thoughts
But That Places You Right At The Beginning.
Again.
And No Matter How Much You Try To Change It,
You Are Stuck In The Cycle Of Life.

Is This How
Its Going To Be?