A late night trip to the bathroom shows a warped vision of myself through a cracked mirror it tells a story through the dark circles under my eyes. It all tells me to sleep, although that was already made clear by my foggy mind and hazy vision. I go back to bed but when I close my eyes I cannot see sleep in the future. So instead I lay with my eyes open, staring at the white ceiling. It looks back at me, harsh, unforgiving. The storm outside does nothing to help quell the voices in my head.
The voices in my head argue and tell me that everything is either all very clear or a muddled swamp of metaphors. And they have decided my life is all one horrible metaphor for childish infatuations that could never be that turn into a stronger feeling. I tell them to try and be quiet because I’m trying to sleep, but they do not quiet.
They do not quiet, they never do. Quiet is a warm hug and space in my head. Quiet is muted murmurs creeping up stairs and slipping through keyholes. But they do silence. Silence is deafening. It lures and traps me in a cage where I am unable to breathe. It is a force that stops me from being human, it is all consuming. That is why I let them stay, because I prefer the chaotic cacophony of voices to silence. They never stop.
Never stop dreaming is what everyone says but I think I did when I stopped being able to sleep. The clock blinks 4:32 and so maybe it’s more early morning than late night, but is there really a difference? I’ve given up, maybe I’ll sleep tomorrow night instead. And when they all ask if I’m okay, I’ll just tell them it was a late night.
It was a late night, I was kept awake by the voices in my head. They do not quiet, They never stop. It was a late night.
Naps hit like a brick wall At cement semi truck speeds The collision re-envisions Clay brick to ice cube Shattering into my reality, As I try and get up from My prone position My mind fills in the cracks, Of my name, my place, my childhood, With the melted mixing moments It had just shown me before,
Mr. CandyCane visiting last minute, With exes kissing every other tooth, Grown bamboo out of a pupil, Who sits attent in my dog's school, Greeted by your smiling face at home, But his face is reflected on my head in your eyes Forehead lines are my only check at this point, In dreams my face refuses to show up, But awake I cannot escape acne wrath
I can’t get comfortable. I keep twisting and turning, turning and twisting. I hate this time of day. It’s too quiet. It’s too dark. It’s too cold and it’s too lonely. My body wants to sleep but my mind is too awake. It’s awake and it’s screaming in agony. Wanting to be heard but needing to rest.
You call me shy And mock my every move You make me fight Just to prove myself to you... Thoughts
You tell me lies And trap me inside You make me cry Leaving me sleep deprived... Isolation
You tell me I'm not wanted And pierce my flesh with your impurities Until I've gone too far Killing me along with my insecurities... Depression
You make my heart beat fast Whenever someone walks past You make me feel Like everyone's judging me... Anxiety
You remind me of everything I've done Telling me I'll never be good enough That I'll never be loved Because I've done too much... Regret
You lock me to the ground Placing chains all around You make me want to hide From the world outside... Fear
You take everything from me Leaving me broken and hopeless You drain my energy And leave me restless You make me nervous and anxious Over absolutely nothing You let me feel nothing but pain and suffering... Life
My phone battery lasts longer without your name popping up But I can barely make it 3 hours without begging for a moment to recharge It's a painful reminder that something so beautiful had to end Leaving a void on the screen that once blinked and shone bright
It takes me twenty times longer to get things done My mind will drag me off to a corner and replay videos of playful feet touching under a dinner table And secret looks shared between passionate eyes
My stuffed animals miss you That's what they tell me since I have no one to hold at night but them They whisper and caress my hair until I fall asleep Or was that another dream of what we should have had
You lied to me Stop trying to redeem yourself, or justify the facade I gave you more than three chances to tell me the truth And it broke my heart that you never once did
I know its easier for you to blame me So I said I didn't love you like I used to. I spared you the pain that you put me through but you truly dug the knife in my love
I don't know how to be happy in this eerie place called loneliness The sun was blocked out along with your laugh and the freckles that painted your cheeks How does one become happy again, happy when you're all alone
I love you But you'll never hear those words again because you broke my trust You broke my heart And you broke me I hope that I can face you again one day But these are the Things I'll Never Say