Why do people have to change?
Why can't it be like the good old days?
When we were kids...
When we were best friends.
Now, now we don't even talk.
I moved, I get it, but...
Why did things have to change?
You look great, you have new friends,
Good for you.
But I wish we were kids again
and we were playing dress-up.
We were funny.
We were close.
We were family.
Now, now you're just an old friend.

her bones ache as she moves.
her mind won't follow the rules.

she looks so worn,
i've got a lot to learn.

she knows this life so well.
many secrets she could tell.

however, she keeps her lips sealed,
for she knows it will soon be revealed.

"can you feel it?" i said,
looking into the dark.
"what?" they ask with no idea.
"time, it's stealing us away".

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

patient love,
they tell me.

it's the best love,
yet here i am
alone in the dark.

wait for love,
they say.

i just want to
jump blindly
and see what
happens.

With tears in my eyes
I walked into the darkness
wanting so bad to run back to you.
To share one more laugh.
To hold you once more.
But I walked away,
knowing it was time to leave.
One more word would make more tears fall.
One more hug would make the ache in my heart deeper.
Thus, onward I went.

I once knew a girl with a wide smile,
she had quite the interesting style.
She lived in the clouds,
and invited the crowds.
She swam with sharks,
and saw everything in colorful sparks.
When she was told to act her age,
she threw quite the rage.
Eventually life caught up to the girl,
and she never again stopped to twirl.

i don't like myself like this
i feel useless to those around me
like a burden and a neusence.

even when he tells me he loves me,
i find reasons why he can't possibly
or give excuses in my head why he'd say such a thing.

i don't like that i tell myself all these things daily,
but i don't think i'm worth fixing my mental thoughts for.

my sensitivity lately, my anxiety, my depressed days,
i feel like a mess.

i know God uses us,
brokenness and all,
but it feels terrible.

i feel unmotivated,
undeserving of love,
a *****-up,
a burden after all.

she tries so hard to please others
when all that matters in the end
is that she pleases her Heavenly Father
and brings glory to His name
all else will fall away

its easy to fake it when you have no time
its easy to act okay when you're so focused on the people around you
i've become so good at pretending, it seems i've even fooled myself.

Beauty should not be pain.
Beauty should not be starvation.
Beauty should not be hours of preparation.

Real beauty is personality.
Real beauty is found on the inside, and only an ounce of a person's real beauty is shown in their outward appearance.
Real beauty is formed by years of self love and compassion.
Real beauty is shown through a person's eyes and through the way they act when no one is watching.
Real beauty is found in the little things.

Look for real beauty in everyone and everything you see, including yourself.

what drives me crazy
is how people interact.

we all listen to reply,
not to understand.

we listen to share our
experiences instead of
just being there for that person.

next time you interact
with someone,
try to really listen.

right now,
i could be singing my soul out into the wind
and one little drop of rain
could shut my mouth and reduce me to ashes

right now,
my life is so very fragile.
it takes so much to make me happy,
and so little to tear me down completely.

I want to run,
as fast as a storming wind.
I want to leave this place,
I want to leave everything and start over.
I want to run,
I don't care where,
any place is better than here and now.

as much as i want someone's hand to hold again
i'm scared
scared to open my heart again and share all my secrets once more

i crave deep conversations, yet right now,
i can't seem to start them

i shared so much with you,
more than anyone else
and now, just like that,
you're like a stranger to me

i can see you slipping,
slowly but surely,
you don't ask for help,
don't see how it can be made better,
i try to help,
but really what can i do other than
love and pray for you.

my dear,
it hurts to watch you slowly drown,
rushing through life,
undergoing the pressure.

im scared for what will happen to you,
im scared we will drift apart,
never to be drawn close again,
im scared you'll go too far.

every conversation feels timed,
like every word has to be perfectly chosen.

i don't want to burden you if i need something
or if something is on my mind.
i want to help you the best i can,
but its exhausting for me too to see you keep
struggling and none of my efforts or prayers seeming
to amount to anything.

i know i ought to keep up the hope,
God will provide for you
and teach you something in the process,
its just hard to watch the one i love the most
slipping away and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

"it's so cold in there now",
"where?" he asks,
"in your eyes".

i know our love wasn't perfect by any means
but i can't help looking at you now
now that its all over
and a sense of loss creeps over me

i can't help but thinking of what could have been
and all those adventures that are now just reduced to memories
of once a very good thing

I didn't even notice you in the beginning.
You were just another guy among the crowd.
Now, you're so much more.
I noticed you looking my way at times,
did you notice my glances as well?
We spoke few words until that night.
We talked all evening by the sparkling fire.
Your eyes sky blue looking into mine.
Your smile, the sweetest one I've seen in a while.
There were people all around us,
yet it felt like we were the only ones in the world.
I heard your words but I didn't comprehend all of them.
I was too busy gazing into your eyes and hoping this feeling would never fade.
My brain tells me 'no', because it's not the right time.
But will I ever be ready?
Will it ever be the right time?
My heart screams out 'yes', because I've never felt this way before.
I can talk to you, this is real.
This isn't just a fantasy.
This is something new.
Uncharted territory.
You're so quiet, yet powerful in your words.
You are a protector with a kind heart.
I love watching you do what you love,
even if we have different passions.
I feel like I know you so well,
even if it's only been two weeks.
You're something new.
Do I follow my heart?
Or listen to my brain?

first days of the new year
spent with all of you.
so many laughs,
almost tears.
distance can't separate us,
time can't change us.

like any other day,
a stranger's glance,
as simple as a dance.

as he walked away,
we missed our chance
for a story of romance.

stuck between wanting to show you my whole heart
while hugging you in your black-wornout-denim jacket oh so tight
and
holding my heart tight to my chest and talking about the weather.

i want to be close to you again, but i know we can't go back.
i don't want to break my heart again.

Voices in my head influenced by society,
telling me I need stuff in variety.
Materialism slowly suffocating me,
minimalism too hard to achieve for free.

Sunshine.
That beam of light,
that shines so bright.
It warms my skin,
I try to soak it in.
I know winter will come,
and this feeling will be gone.
This feeling of complete peace,
as I feel my joy increase.
What a beautiful streak of light.

Your diligence scared me off at first
So focused and intense
No time for anyone else.

But then I met the softer you
The you who listens
Who observers
Who lights up the room

That's the you I liked

Despite what others said about you
I gave you a shot

Maybe I expected too much
But is it too much to ask for someone to feel the same?

They say you're closed off
You can't make friends
You hide behind your work

Though it's all true
I see more to you

I see a driven man
Prepared for the future
Hurt by the past
Weary of new faces
Scared of them leaving you behind,
Alone and broken.
Like before.

I stuck around and tried to get to know you
I endured the awkward silences
The moods you'd get in
And at a certain point
I gave up.

Looking into those blue eyes still makes me smile
I laugh at everything you say, even if it's truly not funny
My heart still flutters when your hand draws near to mine

But I know this isn't right.
Maybe someday, but not today.

You need to grow.
You need to move out.
Find your calling
Try something new

I need to learn to love properly
And grow in myself
And I'm leaving soon.

So here we are.
I see you twice a week, if not more, and try to be your friend.
Sometimes it's easy
But when you talk to a new girl,
My eyes can't help but wander over to you two.

I know it'll just take time
But that's something I'm not good at
Waiting
Wanting
Watching
But here I am.

i took a chance,
and look where i am.

each moment, slowly
gravitating closer
and closer.

friends
or more,
i don't regret it.

losing my heart for careless boys,
losing my soul for earthly desires.

the pain, the pain,
it rushes in like a flood.
never ceasing,
ever flowing.

this life is a test,
get past it and
eternal life awaits.

the struggle is temporary,
yet oh so constant.

that girl,
the one who is vulnerable and honest,
sweet and sarcastic,
tries to love unconditionally,
sees the best in others,
but not herself,
burns herself out
trying to be good at everything,
tries to put God above all else,
but always feels like she's failed,
longs to be loved,
but when love comes her way,
she doesn't know how to truly accept it.

but that girl is learning
she's growing
she's leaning on God
and trying to navigate all of this.

nobody told me how it'd be in the aftermath
how i'd miss you most as my friend
how my heart would ache for that connection
how i'd seek that out again and feel like i'm cheating

nobody told me how long it'd take you to get over me
and how i'd be ready sooner for a friendship than you

how i'd feel like a wreck one day and perfectly fine the next
the aftermath is a mass of emotions,
piled one by one on top of one another

but truth is,
i just miss you for you.

all they do is complain,
that life is such a pain.
all these things in vain,
please just refrain.

heart pounding in my chest,
the words slowly slip off my lips,
with fear gripping my stomach tightly.

i've never been so vulnerable
and that's the scary truth.

that deafening silence made me want
to go back in time,
but what was to follow,
was well worth the wait.
you said you felt that same.

peace and joy overflowed in my heart
making it hard to say anything more.

but in that moment,
nothing else needed to be said.

in these times when the pain of my own heart
and the world around me feels overwhelming,
when the future feels unsure and daunting to step into,
when my plans keep changing and the world somehow
keeps spinning into madness,
Father I know you have a plan,
and that your plans are good.
That if I'm alive on this earth,
your plans for me are not complete yet,
but God sometimes I wish they were.
Sometimes I wish with my whole heart that I could
just be held in your arms already.
To be surrounded by complete peace and forego the striking pains of life.
Father, sometimes I wish You'd take me away from this place.
Either by cancer, an accident, or otherwise, sometimes I pray nothing else other than to not exist anymore.