This dark storm has been wreaking havoc within me for so long.  

It starts by twisting my thoughts and feelings upside down,  

Bending the truth so that all that remains are lies.

Then it tightens my chest and my throat

Making it nearly impossible to catch a breath,  

I pant, pant, pant, just for a single breath of air.  

This tornado lands on my ribcage and settles there a while,  

weighing what seems to be a thousand pounds.  

Breathe, breathe, breathe, please!  

Then the destructor settles on my eyes and covers them,  

making it difficult to focus my sight and see clearly,  

The reality around me blurs,  

see, see, see, now...  

Now it decides to zap my body  

so that I shake, shake, shake as if it's 0° outside.  

I curl up into myself and roll back and forth.  

Through all this movement in my body,  

the lies never stopped waging war in my mind.  

Like the sounds of swords being sharpened before battle,  

the terrifying noise sends a shudder to my very bones.  

My body and mind are so weak and tired from this relentless torment.  

At the first signs of battle, I try to fight back with the truths I've been told since my youth,  

but the enemy keeps pulling and pulling at me.  

Little by little, my strength wears down,  

and the only response I can seem to find to the lies is...

Submission.

worn out faces,
empty spaces,
and
burned out places.

nowhere to turn,
so much to learn,
and
only money to earn.

this christmas doesn't feel right or real.
i'm not surrounded by my friends and family this year,
just me and my parents.

and i've been so busy that i haven't been able to fully celebrate and catch up to the reality of jesus's birth.
what a marvelous thing,
yet it doesn't feel real at all this year.

this christmas doesn't feel quite right,
yet through it all,
i'll do my best to be grateful and celebrate this beautiful day.

this electricity clenching my bones,
these fireworks filling my head,
these jumping bunnies in my feet,
this excitement,
this enthusiasm,
it's filling every inch of my body and soul.

I look out the window
and see a storm coming.
The trees swaying
and the sky darkening.
Much like I feel inside.
This storm I had hid away
is coming back to my chest.
It's rattling my bones,
shaking me to the core.
I thought I had gotten rid of this pain,
but it's still there.

I feel this weight on my chest,
they say I just need some rest.
It's pulling me deeper and deeper.
With time the grass will be greener.
Something enormous is suffocating me.
Like I'm drowning and I can't get back up.
But no one can see the pain,
I guess it's all in my brain.
They say everything is okay,
to push the pain away.
But how will I heal,
if I just conceal?

You're the light in my darkness.
You can always make me smile.
We've laughed together,
and cried together.

We're miles apart,
but we're always in sync.
You'll always be in my heart,
no matter how distant we may become.

You've impacted me like no other friend.
You're my partner in crime,
You're my best friend,
You're my sister.

We talk about anything and everything,
nothing is off limits.
I tell you all my secrets and you entrust me with yours.
I treasure our time together,
even if we're just being lazy.

You'll always have my heart,
no matter how far apart we may be.
I love you forever.

"it's okay"
"i understand"

why am i so frickin nice?
constantly repeating these words
while my heart shatters silently.

sometimes it's all a bit too much
this world spins so fast
i can't keep up with the rush
they say it'll all be a blast

but all i feel is the weight on my chest
maybe this life is all but a big test
see who can survive all the trials
even if there are no more smiles.

you're too stuck on tradition to see it's killing you,
like a moth attracted to the light,
you'll never stop.

we try to help you,
but you keep going back to what you know.

you're not worth the fight if you won't change,
it hurts to say,
but this is goodbye
my friend.

this simple concept,
can bring clarity to all
or it can sting like a bee.

so simple in nature,
yet so hard to deliver.
what a mystery.

you talk about trust,
and then betray it.

you talk about love,
and then destroy it.

you talk about friendship,
and never give it a chance.

and
every time
im the one crying
on my bedroom floor.
no one to hold,
no one to see me.

those dreaded words slip off my lips again,
oh why does this keep happening?
i open up my heart just to feel more pain,
by now this wound is far too deep.

"i love you",
i say a million times,
"i'll see you soon",
i hope it's not a lie,
"goodbye",
i say with deep agony.

our final words,
lets make them count.
our final breaths,
let's not waste them.

goodbye, my friend.

doubt creeps in when i realize how few people have stuck by me.

i don't have those childhood friends that i can rely on for anything
i have amazing people who have walked into my life, but how well do i really know them?
what if they just leave me?

ive entrusted you with so much of my heart
i felt safe with you by my side no matter where we were

i said those three little words,
and now everything has changed.

i see the way your eyes light up
and how you reach to hold me tight
darling you can't tell me you don't love me.

yet you said you were sorry,
you couldn't say them back.

sometimes i wonder if im even meant to be in a relationship
im a sensitive and empathetic soul
i hurt easily
i overthink easily
i love easily
i'll love til i'm all out
where's the line?

when he gets frustrated and looks at me like that
rolls his eyes,
pushes me away,
i get scared he'll be like my dad.

i watched my mom pour out her heart and soul for years
just to love my dad

i dont want that

That wasn't how I thought it'd go.
I'm left feeling useless and confused.
Why do we text all the time, if you can't even form a sentence on the phone?

Pure silence filling the room and my heart.
Maybe you were upset and tired,
But you could have at least tried, that's all that I ask,
for you to try to get to know me.

Maybe they were right about you.
You haven't figured out life yet,
and you don't seem to be trying.
You complain about life,
yet you do nothing to change it.
Maybe you were right about you.
You constantly putting yourself down,
Me constantly trying to encourage you,
But maybe all this time, you were right.

Once again, my wanting to see the best in people puts a knife in my back.
I guess this is what I get for being kind.

although we ended because of so much more,
i always think of the what ifs...

what if you had fought for me?
what if you had tried a little harder?
what if you had opened up a little more?
what if I had slowed down a little?
what if...

but at the end of the day, the results are the same.

last night i told you all the spiralling thoughts i had Tuesday night,
all the crying and feelings of weakness and helplessness,
the thoughts of not being good enough, self-harm, and so much more.

you cried and held me tight.
i felt numb, but i felt bad that i made you cry.
that vulnerability and knowing that you really see me makes me uncomfortable.
it makes me wonder how you could possibly love me if you truly see me,
because how i see me, i don't see how that's possible.
but nonetheless, somehow you do,
which i know is a testament of God's love and work through you,
but i don't understand it.

we messed this up.
years of knowing you
and we've never really talked.
we're practically strangers
that see each other so often.

we messed this up.
we could have been something
more than this.
but I'm leaving soon
and this game will end.

we really messed this up.

here i am
surrounded by so much love and laughter.

for so long i felt so alone
and not worthy of love.

what might have happened if i had this sooner?

we started as one,
bound to one another.

the wolves pulled us apart,
howling in our ears
and telling us lies.

you left me surrounded
by these deadly wolves.

no control.
no strength.
just wolves.
stealing away my soul.

sometimes i wonder if ill ever find that one guy,
the one who will hold me tight on the darkest nights,
the one who wont judge me for who I was and sometimes still am,
the one to laugh with til we're both in tears on a Friday night.

I'm not asking for "the one", my night and shining armor,
just a good guy who'll love me and God right.

there are so many good guys, but none seem quite right.
and I don't think that's me being picky.

so maybe ill never find that guy,
and I'm trying to deal with that fact.
to find comfort in your arms alone, Father.
because at the end of the day, You're all I need.
but that fear and daunting thought still persists.

i thought i'd met kindness in a man's eyes before,
and then i met you.

without being asked,
you pick up my shoes,
you're ready to help,
and to love on others.

i thought i'd met humility before,
and then i met you.

you don't even know how kind, funny,
and special you are.

i barely know you,
and i'm already amazed by
you.

You.
I stare at you from afar, but do you even know my name?
You've spoken to me only twice.
But those moments were golden.
There's something about you that I can't get my eyes off of.
You.
You're funny.
You're an artist.
If you only knew me.
I'm not asking you to date me, I just want you to know me.
But every time I see you, my heart stops for a minute.
You're not the hottest guy.
You're not the smartest, either.
But you're you.
You.
Every time I hear your voice, I stop.
Every time I hear your name, I think of you.
If you only knew me...

My heart becomes heavy,
as the children dance and I watch in envy.
Little do they know that fear is deadly,
they just throw confetti.
Oh, how I wish I could turn back time,
to play with dolls without it being a crime.
Back when I didn't have a care in the world,
and I just twirled.
Back when it was easy to make a friend,
now all relationships end.
I worry about my future,
and think back on when life was smoother.

As soon as I walked into the room,
I felt the beat in my heart.
The temperature rising,
the floor shaking.

I felt all the energy in the room,
it was incredible.
The lights burning oh so bright on our faces,
while we looked at each other with such excitement.

We danced 'til we dropped.
We sang 'til we couldn't.
We laughed 'til we cried.
We held on to each other so tight.
We were alive.

You.
I really don't get you.
You walk around like you own this town
and you put on an act to look cool.
I've seen your true self once or twice,
and that image you put up; isn't it.
Why can't you be yourself?
Or is this yourself and I'm being judgmental?

You're just a fake.
You live for the Instagram and recognition,
but act like you don't care.
You're just a fake.
I know there's someone real underneath all of that,
can't you let him breathe?

I'm sick of these teenage boys.
Can't they grow up already?

Every day I feel my body getting older,
my soul wiser,
but the way my heart breaks
shows me I will forever have a youthful heart.