last night i told you all the spiralling thoughts i had Tuesday night,
all the crying and feelings of weakness and helplessness,
the thoughts of not being good enough, self-harm, and so much more.
you cried and held me tight.
i felt numb, but i felt bad that i made you cry.
that vulnerability and knowing that you really see me makes me uncomfortable.
it makes me wonder how you could possibly love me if you truly see me,
because how i see me, i don't see how that's possible.
but nonetheless, somehow you do,
which i know is a testament of God's love and work through you,
but i don't understand it.
sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.
i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.
i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming
words cannot describe this woman i know,
but I will try anyways.
this girl has been by my side for 6 years now,
she's seen me at my lowest and at my highest.
i believe God put her in my life to bring me closer to Him,
and to learn how to love more like Jesus, to love Gilmore Girls, to lean into my passions, and so much more.
what more can I say about this woman?
she's truly a gift from God to all who meet her.
she lights up the room as she walks in, she loves God so much, she loves others fiercely, she has so much depth and creativity bottled up inside her, compassion flows through her words, she is one of the smartest people I know and one of the best examples of selflessness I've ever seen.
there is so much more to this girl right here,
but words, a man-made concept, things made up of a few letters here and there, are simply not enough to capture an amazing creation like that of Katrina.
i grew up watching the movies and shows
with the sweet, grounded girl
who saves the reckless boy.
the boy tries to run away because
of his past and his fears,
but the girl always helps him come back.
i always thought i'd be the girl,
but with us,
i'm the one who fights feelings
of just wanting to run away,
you're the one who brings me back
and listens to what i'm scared of.
i can see you slipping,
slowly but surely,
you don't ask for help,
don't see how it can be made better,
i try to help,
but really what can i do other than
love and pray for you.
it hurts to watch you slowly drown,
rushing through life,
undergoing the pressure.
im scared for what will happen to you,
im scared we will drift apart,
never to be drawn close again,
im scared you'll go too far.
every conversation feels timed,
like every word has to be perfectly chosen.
i don't want to burden you if i need something
or if something is on my mind.
i want to help you the best i can,
but its exhausting for me too to see you keep
struggling and none of my efforts or prayers seeming
to amount to anything.
i know i ought to keep up the hope,
God will provide for you
and teach you something in the process,
its just hard to watch the one i love the most
slipping away and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
Help me believe You're using this brokenness in me for a reason.
Help me see Your good ways and plans for my life.
You see my pain, it feels too much to bear many days.
It feels like an endless cycle, fighting it feels so hard.
Help me have hope in You.
Help me see myself more the way You see me, Lord.
I know You created me with amazing creativity and with good gifts.
Help me to honor that and see that more than the way I currently am seeing myself.