if i don't know me,
how can anyone else?
if i don't love me,
how can anyone else?
i spend so much time on others,
i've forgotten to listen
and to love myself.
I've exhausted "16".
So much has happened.
So much good, so much sorrow.
I've grown so much,
not in height,
but in strength and confidence.
Hopefully a bit wiser
and definitely more thankful.
Usually, I'm sad at this point,
but not this year.
I look back on this past year with a smile.
It was the best year yet,
bring it on.
Sound of Music reference anyone? ;)
Through all the tears and the smiles,
You were always there for me.
I let you in, and You helped me bloom into a stunning flower.
Joyful in everything and ready to keep growing.
I learned the value of patience, friendship, courage, and self-love.
Through it all, You guided me through.
All the scary, new adventures; I wasn't truly scared for I had You by my side.
Lord, take my heart and shape it to look like yours more and more this coming year as well.
Let me be kind and hopeful in all I do.
Let me be more like You.
for a millisecond i thought i missed you.
i thought i'd made the wrong choice
to let you go.
but in reality,
i miss how you made me feel.
i miss the phone calls until the early hours in the morning.
i miss the endless laughter and sarcasm between us.
despite the greatness that was our friendship,
anything more than that wouldn't have ended well,
i hope you see that one day.
God brought us together for a few years,
but now we're headed into different directions,
and holding on any longer,
would have lead to even greater heartache.
Yesterday was a day I’d like to forget,
To my life, it was such a threat.
I’m conflicted over my feelings for you
and I just don’t know what to do.
The pressures of life,
Cut me like a knife.
Although I know I’ll make it through alive,
Right now, I don’t know how to thrive.
Even though I felt so blue,
Today I am made new.
I know through You I can do anything,
But I can’t seem to make You my everything.
Yesterday was a day I’d like to remember forever.
everytime you leave me on read.
i know you're busy,
but i remember a time
when you'd reply within seconds.
did i mess this up?
can we please go back to those summertime dreams?
They ask me if I'm okay,
it seems like I never am.
Every moment of joy
is drowned by the pain from my past.
Am I addicted to the sadness?
There's something so beautiful about that storm inside.
About that dark night where all you can do is cry.
There's something so magical about feeling everything so deeply.
Tell me, am I addicted to the sadness?
It's the emotion I feel the most
and there's something so inviting about it.
It's suffocating me slowly,
but I'm addicted to the sadness.
Help me believe You're using this brokenness in me for a reason.
Help me see Your good ways and plans for my life.
You see my pain, it feels too much to bear many days.
It feels like an endless cycle, fighting it feels so hard.
Help me have hope in You.
Help me see myself more the way You see me, Lord.
I know You created me with amazing creativity and with good gifts.
Help me to honor that and see that more than the way I currently am seeing myself.
Goodbyes just said.
Already close to tears.
And you brought me to them.
Made me feel like crap for caring about you.
No one to comfort me.
You try to explain yourself.
But the tears and screams have already passed.
No one to hold me.
this life we live is so temporary,
it's what makes it so special
all things must end,
but i didn't expect it so soon.
this love so strong,
but hearts grow distant.
you think all is fine,
but it just isn't right anymore.
all things must end,
even you and I.
true colors show//with time on our side.
fingers touch//hearts race.
my mind goes wild//how wonderful you are.
miss you already//searching for a way back.
do you feel the same//just friends just won't do, this time.
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.
the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?
Lately I feel like the whole world is against me.
Family not understanding my pain.
Getting into fights with friends.
I just want to be "normal" again,
but I haven't been "normal" for a while.
I feel like no one understands me,
even though I know some people do.
I feel like no one loves me,
even though they tell me constantly that they do.
A simple "sorry" or "I love you" doesn't fix everything.
Words hurt more than battle wounds.
No words spoken at all sometimes hurt even more.
my heart breaks at the thought of you.
you deserved to live,
but that right was taken away from you.
God made you to become something, someone great.
I know you're safe in Heaven,
but I still see your life being taken away so vividly and painfully.
I'm sorry, dear one.
I wish I could have done something,
but your mom's mind was set.
maybe she was scared or felt stuck,
maybe she felt like there wasn't another option.
your life is now gone.
all you could have been is gone.
you never got to experience all the joys and pains of life.
you never got to speak your first word, see your first sunset, graduate high school, go on your first date, get married, or have your own family.
i'm so sorry, dear one.
my heart aches for all you could've been.
i love you,
i don't know what to do with us.
talking is a painful reminder of all that we lost,
and all that we could have been.
but not talking, doesn't seem right either.
you were a constant in my life for so long,
and now we're just drifting apart at sea.
maybe it's time,
but that doesn't seem to make it any easier.
was it all worth it?
i'm not sure.
would i do it all over again?
she held the greatest capacity for love
he had ever seen,
for her heart had been shattered
more times than she could count.
she told him to stay away,
for she feared the love of another man.
though that didn't stop
the evident spark between the two.
she finally jumped
into the arms of love,
and forever they will
dance in the dark
to the sound of slow jazz.
pulling their bodies apart,
and their hearts together once more.
Everything seems blue.
Not the pretty blue kind,
that you see in the sky during a summer day.
Not the kind that reminds you of all the joys in life.
The one that leaves you in awe.
The kind that makes you feel every sorrow of the world.
That deep blue that makes you question yourself.
Every little thing reminds me of my failures
and pains and makes me feel such a deep blue.
bluebird sings in the morning,
wakes me with his voice.
he left with no such warning,
not a word, no noise.
pretty bluebird, come back.
i miss your beautiful sound.
i'm waiting for your attack.
someday you will be found.
in some way,
we're all broken.
begging for comfort
and some medication
to relieve us of the pain.
we've all been shattered
into a million pieces
and felt like nothing.
we're all broken,
at first glance,
they were strangers.
but they knew they'd be much
more than that to one another.
time flew as
the sparks grew,
hold them apart.
their love was invincible,
until the day it wasn't.
their trust in one another
died with all the lies.
now their story is
just a distant memory.
their broken hearts mended
and learned to love others
the way they should have
loved each other.
its funny how just a month ago,
home to me was found in your arms.
home was your sweet smile when you looked at me,
and now where are we?
as distant as the earth is from the sun.
nowhere to be seen.
I can feel the winds of change
brushing against my skin.
It's so close to here and now.
We cling to time because
we know if we let it loose,
it may never come back.
We're always running from it,
change, even if it could be good.
The tide always rolls in,
the sun always rises,
as change is inevitable.
Father help me place my value in this and this alone.
I am a child of God, the one true King.
When all else fades away, nothing can strip me from that truth.
When I don't feel like enough, remind me I am Yours and You are mine.
I am Your child, what a marvelous thing.
I am so beloved, I am made in Your image.
When every other attribute is stripped away, I am still this.
I am Your child, nothing else matters.
Long-standing traditions, nowhere to be seen
Parents separated by an ocean,
I'm grateful for the family and friends I do have,
but this Christmas just doesn't feel right.
Where are the Christmas markets?
Where is that joy I've felt every other year?
Where is that sense of wonder and hope?
Where is the laughter and freezing of fingers?
Where are all the things I remember that always made up my Christmases?
I seek to always be grateful for what I have,
but the truth is,
this is hard.
and maybe that's okay to admit
i watch from afar
all my old friends having fun and growing without me
some remember my ghost
but others have no recollection that i even existed
all those pictures
remind me of the times i had
this comforting sadness
im happy to see my old friends
yet here i am
half the world away
watching from a distance,
as they make new friends and new memories.
i can't go back,
but i can't seem to move forward.
so here i lay
me and my friend sadness.
you see me with a smile
on my face and
making sarcastic remarks.
i must be perfectly okay.
yet im still thinking about 10 minutes ago,
when i was letting my pillow
soak up all my tears.
i was the girl laying on my
the same song on repeat.
tears come and go,
but the pain lingers.
I never knew when we first met,
that I would regret you.
you made my heart so glad,
with those little lies you told.
I believed I was precious,
until you left me damaged.
you left me in the dark.
you left with no notice.
my heart will forever store the pain,
but my soul has moved on.
you can't damage my soul anymore.
these walls are crashing down,
along with my tears.
with all the strength within me
i tried to hold it in,
but truth is,
you can't be there for me anymore.
this is long overdue,
and this feeling inside has started to rot.
i hate to break your heart,
but mine is already broken.
still want to hold you close,
but i can't keep holding you,
while you hold someone else.
breaking up with a friend
dear, you have made me believe in love.
i thought i always had, but i believed in a conditional love that could never last.
you make me feel like this can last a lifetime, and i want it to.
its so early, but i love you.
and when you look at me like that
and when you laugh at me when i say something stupid,
i know you do too.
i couldn't have asked for a greater love than this one,
and i'm so grateful for that and for you, my dear.
that desperate cry in the night,
so soft nobody noticed.
one for safety,
liberation from nightmares,
freedom from the pain.
crawling out of bed,
only to see the sun decided
not to shine today either.
she knows her Father is out there,
but she can't feel Him there anymore.
she can't feel the hope,
the light shining through the darkness.
a hope she clung to so tightly
just days before,
is nowhere to be seen amongst the agony.
i grew up watching the movies and shows
with the sweet, grounded girl
who saves the reckless boy.
the boy tries to run away because
of his past and his fears,
but the girl always helps him come back.
i always thought i'd be the girl,
but with us,
i'm the one who fights feelings
of just wanting to run away,
you're the one who brings me back
and listens to what i'm scared of.
should I stay
or should I go.
i wonder all day
what I should do.
this love so pure,
so rare to find.
i try to act mature,
but I mind.
you're my dilemma,
never there for me.
never here to stay.
tell me to let go.
tell me to hang on.
sometimes i'm done with life.
overwhelmed by the darkness,
a crushed soul still searching for the light,
but its hard to find at times.
i'm told not to give up,
but that's all i want to do.
i'm so young,
it's such a shame,
but i just wanna be done with this painful life.
sometimes i doubt
i doubt who i am
is who i am perceived to be who i really am?
i doubt the people around me
i wonder if i made the right decisions
i doubt god's goodness to me
i know in my heart that this is good,
that you are right,
but doubt fills me up like never before.
what if its all for nothing?
what if you change your mind?
what if this is dumb?
i like you
you're one of my best friends
but what if?
oh im drowning
you don't see it
but i know
never seemed so
carry me under
keep me captive
no one knows
the torture of it all
move with the current
can't go that way
don't you know
oh we're all drowning
we don't see it
but we know
we're forever lost
in the current.
it reels you in
and never let's go.
i get so focused on the people around me
i lose sight of who i am
ill do almost anything to love on others
and to get their approval
but what do i think of me?
who am i at the end of the day?
all the tears have flooded out of my eyes,
no salty water is left in those scarlet and white spaces.
like a drought carrying on for months on end,
i'm left tearless because of you.
i feel nothing but emptiness inside,
all my feelings have been spent today.
saying goodbye to something so good,
has left me breathless and vacant of any feeling.
we said we'd be friends forever,
but now you're holding him
before you hold me.
i guess "friends first"
just wasn't for you.
i still tell you everything,
but the trust has vanished.
and after all,
what's friendship without trust?
i act like everything is fine,
though i know what's wrong.
i'm your shoulder,
i'm your best friend,
but you are just an empty friend.
Lord, thank you.
You've shown me once again Your faithfulness and love for me.
I prayed a simple prayer in the morning air with desperate lips.
No more than a week later, you started answering it.
You've brought new joy, peace, and laughter in my life.
New men that have taught me that I'm valued and worthy of love and affection.
Thank you, Lord, for these new friends and your love for me.
I pray that You'd keep my heart pure.
Keep these friendships simple and sweet.
No alternative feelings or complications.
Let us be glad in the joy of friendship, and let that be enough for my wandering heart.
Keep my intentions true, Father, and protect us as we grow closer.
Cover us with wisdom and prudence as we move forward.
Thank you, Lord.
i've tried to escape you,
but you keep coming back.
playing your little games.
i just want a taste
of real love,
of who you really are.
you hide in the dark,
even in the light.
i don't want this fake love,
i want true, imperfect love.
you can't give me that.
warm colors all around that capture your eye.
soft sweaters and cozy hats everywhere you turn.
this season of change reminds us that we all die.
so we must take this life and try our hardest to learn.
i think im falling in love with you,
for ive never felt this way before.
i miss you all the time
and i know your mind so well.
i know when you're being a goofball
and when you're being honest.
i know how deeply you care for your family
and friends, though you may never admit it.
i know you're scared of getting hurt,
so love frightens you.
but i know when you will fall in love,
though it may not be with me,
you'll be just perfect.
We could lay beneath the stars for centuries,
and make unforgettable memories.
Hands clenched together as if this was all we had,
We would be ever so glad.
But you're across the ocean,
Nonetheless, you set my heart in motion.
It's as if the whole world has stopped,
When we look down to find our fingers interlocked.
These thoughts roam my brain,
while I think of you again.
All these things that live in my mind,
But is love something I will ever find?
#love #fantasy #crush #inlove #stars #moments
these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.
i willingly dove in,
knowing my heart would
bleed and shatter.
for your eyes were as blue
as the sea, and your smile;
the sweetest one i'd seen.
this forbidden feeling,
yet so wrong.
it could end all we've built,
it could break our hearts.
it could leave us breathless,
it could make our hearts ever so glad.
maybe it's not time right now,
but that's just for now.
i know the day will come,
i know this is right.
but for now honey,
i'll wait and i'll grow with you.
i'll get to know your heart,
while the distance pulls us apart.
it's just for now.
someday i'll be with you,
but that's not now.
and that's okay.
because that's just for now.
i can't promise forever,
but i can promise for now.
there's no one who compares to you.
you don't have to worry.
it's only you on my mind.
you're the one i want to hold,
the one i want to spend my time with.
i'll wait for you,
i can't promise that for years,
but i'll wait for now.
you got me,
but above all else,
you got God on your side.