I wish he cared about me
and ourselves as a unit
I wish he was 20 years younger
I wish he was honest
I wish he was a tiny bit larger down under

It appears that
I am wishing for someone else

However, my thoughts insist on a version of him
conceived in my mind
a fictitious shadow that will never see the light

I may never get over the roads
the rains
the shortcuts
that cut and scarred my journey long ago

I may never hurtle past
the memories alone
the vices formed
the lessons learned
through experience
in place of philosophy
or words parted by wise elders

I wish I knew before I asked
or played with chance -
a ***** dance

And if redemption is a place
I am coming to meet
I will define it when my psyche is in peace
when the past no longer weighs on me

A former romantic interest once told me,
I was the kind of woman people write poems about

Clueless I was the kind of woman who writes poems
about strange men.

He fell for me in a small mountain town 11,000 ft in elevation

it was a hard fall.

She came from a Minotaur and a Nightmare
wandering the world as a beauty queen
Naively, the world assumes she spawned from a bed of roses
instead of  a mistake between monsters
despite a wilderness of warnings

Bait Bombing from above
Is this love?
His talons crush the meat of my soul
Sharp, vivid, and calculated
Spitting pellets of my nucleus
onto rough grassland
Until I am reborn
into a vessel inept from the hunt
Doomed to weave
Cursed to grieve
Oh Athena Pallas, bestow mercy upon Arachne

I took Grief out for a walk
Under a starless sky and moon sliver
I took Grief out for a spin and on a drive
Watering gardens with the tears from my eyes
I laid Grief out during a rainstorm
Blending in with the weather
I took grief out on you and it made you shiver, hardened your heart,and late to deliver
I kicked Grief out of my place
Abandoned at a night club and ran away
Found her grieving in my bed the following day
I took my grief out
Hoping one day it will go away

I miss you in a whirlwind
trails of wind whip my skin
left high and dry
volume in my hair
dust in my eyes
sand in the grit
I  miss you in a tailspin
you were just here
tread marks where you been
I miss you in a time capsule
I swallow each mourning

And you loved us into a soapy, bubble
I trusted would never pop

I am raining
the sky is too
the ink is blotting on this letter to you
dark clouds consume light blue
shooting stars hibernate
as I wish for you

Our personal tragedy must fit our personalities

Ripped in two
or smashed to pieces
destroyed all the same

She committed suicide
or left me for another man
she left me all the same

He didn't make it first
or murdered before the finish line
regardless, he failed in rage

I lost him to the sea
I lost him to cancer
loss as the answer

will an increase in self-awareness
cause bliss or the enemy of it

a myriad of pathways to the same place

-----------------------

Does it matter what color and form pain takes?

Would you prefer strawberry
or vanilla flavor
****** up?

No, we don't make our syrups here

And one last thing,
would you like fries with that?

It's a wild, wild surrender
and there's nowhere in between
from here to there
space so vast
dense as evergreen

He's either held up in prison
or camping on the beach
but there's nothing in between

It's the wildest surrender
so I got down on my knees
and I barely used my teeth

Is my gift a curse or something
along those strings?
Signed, Sealed, Surrender
that will send him for the trees

What could make things worse
ain't always what it seems
tricky coyote just took a jog past me
baring gifts and teeth
what a humble surrender
So I got down on my knees

Thunder booms then rumble into
nausea ripping through my belly
Lightning is almost ready
to leave the house
mulling before a blouse

Barefoot in a nettle spread
I am walking to your supposed love
and tiptoeing on a tight rope
towards your home
Until I reach your door and as you groan
thunder drums a heavy pattern nearby
Inspire me to stubbornly
crack eggshells on your doorstep

Avenues to you have crumbled
my ***** aches
I walked and stumbled
an alley cat crosses my path
in the aftermath

She called my visions mainstream
and poured my poems out
with the bathwater
I gave her creative instruction
she could not follow:
"Draw from your 3rd eye"
Instead, she turned a blind eye

__________________

Camping in the Blue Ridge Mountains
was the greatest day of my life
It was my birthday
I brought a suitcase
and my favorite dame
and hiked 2 miles UP^^^^^^^^
laughing all the way

UP ^^^^^in the Ozarks
Medics were shooting steroids in my ****
BUT, never been more in love
with a man who injects grief in my veins

Dwelling in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains
sensed his vibe
Yes, Jesus I feel you here

held en el Rio Grande con mis mejor amigos
drooling in the hot springs
Taos has called our names
******* the rocky sand that is below me
I find a coin from New Zealand,
in turn, losing my evil eye earring
an offering to spirit's stream
a pair of desert lizards
we desire to get frisky and be alone
we shine silver glitter under a moonlit glow

witches cackle and curanderos
hide behind coyote cries and cacti
looking to each other with faces expressing,
"What should do we do?"
I guess allow them to do their thing
humans need ceremonies too

Sun rays poking from the windows
I can't get my head off this pillow
stale air in this room and I'm holding my breath
anxiety attempts to control what occurs next
then a seizure erupts in my head

Hits the glitch
in my automatic mask
I show for the world
and all those thoughts
I can't hold in my brain space

They gave me Life

then revealed it was a mistake

They left me to die

swore up and down

and side to side

they had the answer for my afterlife

so abandonment is justified

They cursed our names

repent to Jesus so he takes the blame

Reproduction in vain

Five beings floating in various locations

around the globe

a phantom family visits us at our dinner tables

Reminding us the consequence of being alone

Hello, Waitress in the sky
So long her fear to fly
She throws the world a smile
bats her eyes in a wink she's gone
hurling through the clouds
calming others through turbulence
**** the corporate scene
Type A personalities acting mean
humiliating her in a board meeting
so she trades blue for green

Goodbye Waitress in the sky
trade her wings for a diamond ring
So long her need for speed
racing on the runway


She was flying with the birds but now
she's swimming with the fishes

Deflated dreams of broadening horizons
a-popped balloon and a rolling stone
nowhere to go but everywhere
Oh Lord, she won't get the answer tonight
Oh sky, give her the strength to fly
Oh Queen, find her a smart place to run
and that's why she took US 66 for a drive

I want you to be entirely distracted by my surface
the sunlight above me

I want you

I want you content with my forecast of calm waves
each encounter

Follow my subtle guidelines

Behaving as a good mother I"ll command you out of the ocean
if you swim too far from shore

Or if you dare plunge your head under me

Sexually

Remain floating on my surface layer this is where the
honey moon stage lasts

Do not stare into the eyes of a hurricane
storms in me churning off the coast of "you had no clue"
will leave you washed up on Island Nowhere

Absolutely no swimming after sunset

I don't care if you hear the waves sigh all night

In this situation I am God knowing whats best for you
saving you from drowning in my cycle

Between being the Muse-Ician Magician
And the Dancer Prancer Whirling Dervish
I have an entire love affair
To tend this fire
Of my own yearning burning

O Lover of the flesh
When you come near,
You must take my hand on the eternal
Stage we call life
Or bring tears to my eyes with the music
You offer as a sacrifice
To the Love story you’ve been pending eons to unfold
Great Spirit has ever told
A sight to be held and behold

Could it truly be like the history books
From high school
Giving credit to an incorrect source?
Outdated and overpublished
as a romance novel we roll our eyes
Just looking at the cover
Was my hand shaky on it’s way to the mug
Because my heart fluttered when I peered into your eyes
Or to be plain, caffeine racing in my veins?
Was I all flustered and sweating because we were having small talk
Or because it was 98 Degrees outside?
Did we fall in love climbing a scary ridge
Or was our fight or flight just kicking in?
Did he believe Love was ecstasy when the eccstasy kicked in and he pulled her in....

Did she see God as the owner of an amusement park and Love as her favorite roller coaster ride? Was lightning, thunder, and fireworks supposed to go off in her body all the time?

She KNOWS she fell in love when he took her on his bike and they almost crashed and died
A man gets a city named after him and no one knows why
Until a skeptic arrives!
No grin, Expensive tie,
A scraggly winkle over his left eye
Determined to prove
A relationship going 100 miles per hour
In a beater car
Won’t get very far

She’s A stage 4 taking no medication
A rolling stone in her collarbone
Wander got into her heart
Lust is eating it all away
She never felt safe in one place
For long
Didn’t enjoy when things settled around cause that meant down
If the wind ain’t whipping her hair
Then something is wrong
motorcycles and bad boys
Cigarettes and Lana
80 mph winds in the high desert
Pure pleasure
Move fast and move strong
The next high is the new horizon
Language unspoken
She’s dumb founded and silent
Strumming along
With her beautiful song
If the waves ain’t making change
Then she’s diving in to shake things up
Designed to keep moving,
As if her nomadic ancestors kissed her forehead to bless her

There is a hole in me
it's a perfect circle
No need to pinpoint the location
It's not as if anyone could fill it
Even if they knew exactly where it is

There is a hole in me
Maybe it encompasses my field
You see it in my hands or in my back
This hole doesn't have a bottom
Maybe it could, but it's like the ocean
Too deep to measure without giving myself to it

I've dumped many relationships in this hole
accuse me of ******
but no one will find their bodies
I've had some people climb down there on their own volition
thought they could be my archeologist
save me from this emptiness
I never saw them again

If a stranger happens to run into it, I'm prepared for this
I've wrapped caution tape and neons signs with the words "slippery when wet!"
And another sign that says "construction at work, drive slowly"
Another sign says "Not liable for any accidents, procceed at your own risk"

At night I hold a flashlight to the hole
and see spiderwebs but no spiders made of jagged rocks
other than that I see no sign of life
sometimes when I'm feeling pointless I take a shovel
and toss some dirt down
Hopeful that could make a difference
When the wind hits 75 mph in my head
the hole E C H O E S
  it has powerful acoustics
sometimes eery mostly hollow
but often sounds like a mountain lion in heat

There is a hole in me that might never be filled or tapped for well water
This hole was created by a broken family
A Mother and A Father
And now passed on to the daughter

Because of this hole I am suggestible to fall in other holes
like the depression hole
it's very dark in there and millions of people are in it
but no one is aware they aren't alone
and once you're there no one plans on getting out
or the financial hole
where people in fancy suits consistently throw down reciepts
or call out your name but never lend a helping hand
Or the desperation hole
where creepy men lurk in the shadows
begging to give me money if I undress them and open my legs
with my eyes shut

there could be something for me
Somewhere down there
in my hole
A secret I need to know or a way into another world
But I am too scared to fall in and let go
It could be the death of my ego

Moving Home during a monsoon
Summers turns to Autumn for advice
Stuff begins to Fall
  Sinking into the season,
We break up

Another winter heart break
Gets composted slow roasting
Fertile for Spring
Unless I keep adding waste to the pile...

All I've ever desired for creation
Is its full brilliance released brought forth
Shining vibrating realized bloomed out bliss in
All I've ever desired for passions heart
Is the perfect inspiration
Expanding transcending delivering
Intelligence in its moment of evolution
And the spiral rises as the roots
Go deeper
All I've ever wanted for anybody is the full access permission and gratification of
Every individual immersed in their potentials
And who is to really say in one way or another
That isn't happening right now?
Witnessing divine mind in absolute allowance of wisdom

If my sexuality consistently gets used
Against me
Then it becomes my weapon
The wisdom that a man's greatest weakness
Is simultaneously his greatest strength
Becomes realized
Reflected in domesticated animals
We give up our instincts
In an environment where the wild
Doesn't belong
After years of suffering
I grab my wand for the first time
Although lifetimes ago I may have done so
This time matters the most
Because it is happening now
I grab my wand and wave it through the air
the journey to learn how to use my Magick power
Enemies draw closer
Only to get blasted down by light
Aum harnessed from my throat
I will use fire to protect my life
Hovering owls in the night
All according to plan
Magic birds witness
The transpiring of balance
Coming to this planet in need of healing
Divine feminine we are here
Mary Magdelene is near
Absolutely have no fear
Lilith is on the sidelines
Visiting dark beings
In human minds
Kali is by her side
Tongue hanging out
***** for fresh heads in her multiple hands
Yemaya stirs in the ocean
She howls, "Just leave me alone!"
As Bolon Ik traverses time away from her twin flame for longer than she can bear
Exposed in a terrifying way
But men cannot Divert their eyes
As The most beautiful women
Exemplified
Turns some into stone,
Others to salt,
Ashes,
And only the righteous of souls -
Deliverance as The Call To Rise

frozen body parts give me away
An inference to take in
That I don't want to advance
A touch that ends in stale mate

I have a lock on my book
Makes it harder to read
For others who don't know the password
inside there is delicate and scandalous Information
The book of a wise woman
Who deserves to read this knowledge?

It feels like if we had *** then afterwards
You would be more willing to open your heart
Let vulnerability hang out
Intermittently like a cough or sneeze
An indication that something inside you
Is moving
Life bubbling to the surface
And then I would know there is more to you
Than the next distraction
Alcohol, drugs,
a passing conversation, loud music
Holding me only for a little while
Sums up your intimacy level
By the second time you told me,
"I like you because you're easy to talk to!"
That's when I knew it was time to end this

My eyes, rarely raining
get misty at specific times
as do the Redwood Trees
come morning time
and I, when I get around talking
about my parents

Blame it on the Onions
I love when plants demand things from me
like crying or prickly tingles
from a stinging nettle plant
getting slapped on the skin of my neck
and so painful sensations even out

Now I let myself feel more
ground my feet and hands on the forest floor
have a moment in the silence where
the stunning beauty around me becomes a background
like unhappy people on vacation
distracted
and then I'm back in the hotel room
alone
at least, thankful for comfort and warmth

We met in the place Allan Watts had his lectures
And Henry Miller sat in the corner brooding,
Writing brilliance
Decades ago
I imagine Joan Baez washing rust off her skin
Overlooking the ocean
Diamonds in her eyes inspired by "sin"
In the same place we spoke about men
And I remember my male friend leaving
Because this conversation was not for him
Debating about ****** relations, you taught me
To ask my body if I wanted to go all in
Close your eyes
Checking in with the root, navel,
stomache, heart, throat and mind
Visualizing the act
Do you really want him to be inside?
And when I did this exercise
the answer was NO

Then I met another man
And did the same exercise again
This time, every time I thought about his
Entrance anywhere
My body throbbed, tingled, and rocked
Into the greatest guitar solo
I've ever felt
My body ever played by his fingers
My neck tuned to his mouth
YES, he may enter....
The greatest desire

This phenomena that harms me, unrealized for so long
get through it and don't think about it
practiced that way as a child
like a birth mark, marking genetic weakness
Present physically with no deep thought involved
Time and Demand made its way over in an ambulance truck
over and over again
because Life wanted to live
Benadryl you have always been my best friend
giving me the grace to overcome it
Focused now, I think about your progress
a **** in the garden relentless it grows
Attentive now, to aspects of this changing and moving
towards a solution
Aware of it's possibility
Great reason to believe this question will lead me to the largest
expansion I am meeting to know
How can I stop poisoning myself?

Smokin' THC not ***, nor DMT
with an EMT on the PCH
and I'm feeling GREAT
Oh Lord, I won't get the answer tonight
Because the question needs to be right
Not Why, but to know HOW

And that's why I took for a drive...

Smokin' THC not MET, nor OXY
in NYC on a balcony with company
and I've known people to hurt their bodies
Sometimes
and that's why I took for a drive...
So long!
I really got so far
so far from them addicts
Oh Lord, I won't get the answer tonight
Because the question needs to be right
Not WHY
I need to know how...all this time...
searching for why
always been wrong, so long, so far gone

To search for why is what grips the sand
But how will get me to understand
How to Love, and I drive for love

Smokin' THC on the M.I.C.
treated VIP like an MVP
cause I'm singing for Love
Oh Lord, give me the answer tonight
Ganesha, give me a smart place to run
Oh sky, Give me the strength to fly

Of all the roses in the garden
You have grown the farthest
Thorns hiding and waiting
To be touched
I will teach my child to look
At needles this way
Courageous at the Doctor's office
She will know some ****** can be satisfying
I will not pluck you
From your perfect environment
As a sentiment or sacrifice
For a lover who will eventually leech

Swimming in a bed of roses,
Cuts and scrapes appear where they land
Like sea shells that yearn for the Mother
As they are swept up by greedy hands
And placed in a bowl of other sea life
Used for vanity a misplaced home
Like little girls with the potential to be EVERYTHING
Without guidance, led into a hypnotic factory
Forget the wild, purpose, or being free
They become artificial flowers that never die
My child, my child
A shriveling flower is a beautiful thing
It lived its life it opened its wings
It was a home to many things
Of all the flowers in the garden
You needed the most water
The Sun knew and cast its shadow side
On your darling face
The moon eased your worries away
I caressed the leaves that were
Weak enough to break
And like the eldest member in my family tree
You were buried in your birth and dwelling place
Gracing the ground with your
Spirit knowledge and blood magic
Spoke of like a dead new born
"So much potential"
"Created so much happiness"
Of all the roses in the garden

As long as you remember we are skeletons
Muscles for strength
Fat for pleasure
Scars for mistakes
Flesh to maintain and indicate age

Define depth from density
breaking bones the last thing to go
As long as you remember we are skeletons
with pulsing hearts
blind we are open to listen
for the gentle message
of DNA long decided
what we want to unfold

When we know our seed
and give our unique plant
enough light and water
a Mother and a Father
we find what we seek

Craniums can't integrate
as easily as we used to
Bones Click
3rd Eye connects
and we get it

As long as you remember we are skeletons
Sometimes we bury them
Or allow the fire to melt us away
The ashes have the final say
As the air takes our breath away
Wet lashes dry in the wind
Someone, somewhere
begins again

Let your mind wander to the days of flowing and recording it.
When you built sand castles and watched as the ocean ate them.
Boy, wasn't that a lesson for your sign!
Fill your mind with recent love you have created.
Like a poet reveal to life
words in morbid grey and neon lights.
What love has felt like.
The trips away, first kisses, haunting lyrics
beautiful moments you haven't had time to think about
busy in the present - working to make it.
When you made sand castles and watched as the ocean ate them.
Boy, falling in love by the ocean had to be a sign
Fill your mind with recent love you have created.
Sad Grey Brilliant Neon
The duality you speak of
Dear Poet, make me a sand castle
of Melody and Harmony
the necessity of **combination

Alignment before leaving the house
blessing words with intention
honor the sun
Thank the axis
as we spiral
and find our constant amidst change
death takes place
and we go through stages and states
denial, acceptance,
and everything in between
connection with all that is
and crystal relationship with today

honor the sun
palms pressed to pray
at heart center
whoever does this looks so holy
serene, blissed out, so **** lovely

sashay with anger
then tango with tears
adjust to the idea
of releasing fear
honor the sun
for true life rises
and echoes rays of eons
from this glorious star
the source of fire and desire
warming our bodies

It's not de ja vu
Because I know I've been here before
Smiling cause it's raining
And I know how much
we all need this
the ocean holds me
And not one wave
Washes me over
Salty kisses and sunsets
The sea is the ultimate woman
And I learn from her the farther
Down I swim to my depths
It's sprinkling while I'm floating
Gracious tears from the clouds
The Heron dives for a fish
Calling me an angel