Anticipation climaxes
the moment you unscrew
that seal tight jar
keeping hazy secrets
locked away.
    You're about to touch the
    snow-kissed mountain tops
    and breath air so pure,
    it distorts the very heartbeat,
and that feeling granted only by the enemy
--sobriety--
drags you to hell itself.
It gets off tormenting your every particle of being
but you're clouded in a smokey shield and
wielding the winning sword colored ash black
  (obsidian
     volcanic
       explosive)

Defeat is on the horizon
and you're so high above the battleground
that a giddy serenity enfolds you into the
golden-dipped sunset

But the height only lasts
for as long as you hold in
that choking air

and it's gone

and your sanity returns

and you've never felt
more insane
than ever
before.

Bitter.
Enfold me in it.
Steel body and diamond crusted ears
So I can feel no pain
And hear no outer influences.

   Hard.
   Turn me into stone.
   Infuse me, weld my cracks
   From a past never to be renewed
   And too stoic to ever feel another's warmth.

      Bold.
      Let myself take whomever I want
      Whenever I want
      Without consequence of being
      Anything but concrete.

         I'll be the manifestation of a developing polaroid
         Only to be swayed and
         Persuaded to come into focus
         By the tickle of murmured wind
         And golden embers of light.

             Black and white
             Color
             Negative
             Sepia­
             I could be it all.

Life just throws you loops
And strange circles
  That you've traversed
Millions of times before,
  And this world
Is physically rotating in
  It's most tedious way possible
Day in and day out,
  And the funniest part of all
Is that the definition of
  INSANITY
Is "doing the same thing over and over again
  and expecting different results"
According to Einstein.

          We're all crazy.
          Just taste a small droplet
          Of pretentious poison
          And take it
          Because it's embodiment
          Is everyone.

My mind doesn't make sense.
It changes
Doubles
Destroys
Designs.
It cascades in on itself
Creating rubble,
Only to rebuild something
Twisted,
Unsettling,
Squirming,
Swelling,
Bursting.

My mind is a place that
I tend to fear.
It's a trap,
A net
Tangling me in
It's sick web
Of spun tales.

To it,
I'm a slave.
No escape
Nothing left
But shadows
And lost artifacts
Best left in the dark.

It's as if time
    Becomes a wisp
  Of vapor.
It leaks from my memory
  And distorts my concept
    Of concept itself.

      Floating through a place
    Filled with clouds of
  Creamy crystals
Being grasped by their
  Seductive claws,
    Tantalizingly slow,
      A shudder.

Your thoughts start coming out
In low key lighting,
Sepia toned shots,
And distorted by a fog machine
Hidden in the corner.
You analyze it
Piece-by-piece,
Paint-by-numbers,
Cuts, takes, dissolves,
and throw the fragments up
in the air.

Confetti in the form of "art"
Left for anyone's interpretation.

I stared into your eyes
And searched
For something more.
Those eyes
That change color
(Whether with the season,
Sun exposure
Or current mood,
We’ll never find out)
I looked for something
To give me meaning
To give me a sense
Of hope.
I searched and softly whispered,
“This reflection you’re seeing
Is worthless
Unless you do something about it.”

I don't light up to open my mind,
     But to temporarily silence the demons.
    And right now
   The monsters are climbing into
  My eyes
      Ears
  Mouth
Heart
  And ripping apart
     Every solid piece of myself
           I used to care about.

      They’re laughing,
     Dripping venom,
    Burning me over and
  Over and
OVER again.
Making me scream so silently
That no one else knows.  
  No one else can hear
   The fleshy sound of
    Wet skin
     Being torn
      From the outside, in.
 
They don’t see
   My hands bound
    To my own demented thoughts
   Making me do things
       I’d once refused.

      I see in flames now
     I see the world burning
    I see rubble,
   Wreckage and
  Ruins.
I see remnants of a
Person I used to love, used to know.

So lift me up higher than I’ve ever been before
To suppress the inner creatures
Controlling
A newfound stranger.

People will try to brain wash you
  They pelt their ideas,
    Throw their beliefs in every direction
      Hoping that one of their bullets will stick.
    People want you on their team.
  Any idea or belief opposing theirs?
Well that’s downright disgusting.

  Convert to this side,
    Sway to that
      Sometimes it’s fiction
    People forget about the fact.
  What happened to individuality?
The choice of right or wrong?
  It’s beginning to be so hard to see
    Where one fits amoung the throng.
      You begin to shift your own ideals
    You begin to change your side
  Simply to blend in with the crowd
It’s just another way to hide.
  You hide behind that thick façade
    Always worn for show
      You’re melting inside little by little.
    You’ll be nothing before you know.

We’re all slaves
To a fluorescent screen
Forgetting to search
For our personal being

Accepting stillness
Embracing a mold
Forever doing
What we’ve always been told

Nothing is new
Repeating the past
Creating things
That’ll never last

So we sit and stare
Blank as can be
No longer looking
For what we can't see

She’s got a hole on the topside of her right Nike shoe
Pink, black, white patterns ruined by her bony toe
Does she know
She’s not wearing socks?

Hair callously thrown into a disgraceful bun
Wetted from sweat or shower
I’ll never know.

Screensaver sepia toned
And donned in the center
Is a lover, perhaps,
Kissing her laughing cheek.

She’s more organized than me,
Dutifully taking notes
And yearning, craving for the professors
Pleasant spew of factual ****

She records his words
I record my thoughts
Who’s the more selfish one?
This stranger sitting diagonally in front of me
With her pink ears and lightly freckled face,
Or myself
Because I don’t even want to know her name.

Her world will forever remain a place
Untainted by myself
(Lucky her).
She’ll remain a mystery, an enigma
Stories that define who she is
Left for assumption and infinity.

She’ll never know I’m thinking
Only of her
And for absolutely no purpose
Other than practicing
Observing the small glimpses
Of people’s lives they offer you
Unknowingly

I’ve got this insistent need
To constantly feed
That hungry emotion
Inside of me
I can’t seem to stave
The things I crave
I’m feeling alone
And I need to save
Me from myself
Cause I’m trapped inside
My mind and my heart  
Simply won’t subside
So here I sit
Just like a clone
But in the end
It’s me alone.

It’s scary how much you see
When you’re actually looking.

I see the shadows on your face,
Your pores gasping for breath
Making your skin look
Bent,
Broken,
Blemished,
Beautiful.

I see the self-destruction in your scars,
Every imperfection marking your body
Like a sharp kiss from Death
A flirtation with a dark deity
A ******* failure.

I see our words blending together,
Entangling mid-air
And painting pictures lost in translation.
Creation was breed from our loveless lips,
Slipping into an infinite abyss:
A disappearing act we couldn't figure out.

I see the way your sad eyes can’t meet mine,
Because it brings back a shattered past
Something fragmented and fragile.
A torrid thing,
Making our breaths quicken
From fear and regret.

I see the way you look into the changing sky
Thinking that there has to be more;
There has to be more than this monotony
Haunting you and making you wish
For the sweet taste of
Impact,
To end it all.

We were born for each other
Yet we’re fighting
And we’re losing
And we’ve lost.
We lost each other
In translation
Again.

My guard is up
My pride is down
Trampled, smashed, stuck to the ground

I bared my soul
But just for you
For which you took and simply threw

Heart of anvil
Heavy as brick
You were unintentionally a ******* *****

But still I stand
Wrapped in embrace
Smiling gently at your face.

It scares me
That this empty,
disturbingly vacant feeling
seemingly rooted in
my gut
can only be temporarily
sated.

What more is it going to take?
What more can I do?
Because my ulterior forms of escape
are encapsulated within
*****
drugs
people
hate
love
wispy smoke
clouded dreams
warm cups of coffee that burns the throat if sipped too quickly

And those silly,
frivolous
mechanisms of coping
do less
than water slipping through open fingers.

My apathetic attitude
Has been finely tuned.

It's just one ****** up little circle
Full of hate and degradations,
Malicious meanings
and confused connotations
That keeps us chasing after
Futile fires.

It hurts more and more
And more and
more, but
feels
as if time is speeding by
without your doing.
Your complacency
is at fault.

You feel yourself burning.
You are the ashes
Of a dying flame,
Not the Phoenix.

Pick and pencil
Retired and replaced
By a packed piece.
In an acoustic sense,
Life is empty.
In an analytical approach,
Life is already over.
All we’re left with
Is half finished sheet music
And half written pages.

Seconds
  Minutes
Hours
  Days
Blurring by
  In a spectacular haze

Constantly craving a crazed
Escape
Fleeing reality, piece by piece
Aware the immortality
Isn't an option
Never ceasing to seek
Release

Questioning other's
Translucent translation
Of a world that centers
All of us each
Construals clashing, creating division
Misunderstandings at war
No point in speech

Hurt me once
Hurt me twice
Leave a scar
Haunt my life

See me fall
See me break
Laugh at what
I cannot take

Make me love and
Grant my wish
Seal it all
With a painful kiss

Emotionally torn
Exhausted, abused
A hazy fog
Perpetually confused

Gone right now
Gone for good
Life played out
The way it should

Yet still you lurk
And steal my breath
Our unknown thoughts
An inevitable death

Use of heat
engulfs your ends
Into a splintered crisp.
Every inch you sear
Irons out the curls in your mane.

Flick the lighter,
Spark up some magic
And bring that
Shy, crying ember
To your dry lips.
The harder you inhale,
The faster you burn.

Smoke sneaks around
Your body and
Encapsulates you in
A hazy plume.
The scorch marks on your arm
Emphasizes your need
For warmth.

You seem to think you’re
A phoenix by how often
You play with flames,
But how high will you rise?

Will the ashes you’ve left
behind provide you with
a rebirth
or purge you into
the hearth forever?

How long will your eyes
Stay ignited,
Because every time you
Play with snowflakes,
You become a dimly lit,
Sputtering flicker.

I'm calm
Collected
Completely in charge
Of how charged up
Or powered down
My mind is.

Don't worry,
I've got it under control.

Go ahead and look in the mirror.
Stare at the stranger till the image is blurred
Everyone around you, well they’re superior
So you drink past the pain till words become slurred.

Please, pray tell me, what exactly is beauty?
Is it simply an outfit we wear?
The color of our eyes, skin?
A glint of something special,
Something to make them stare, grin?

Beauty is a figment.
Beauty is a fallacy.
Beauty is in our mind.
Beauty will die, and so will we.

It’ll erode with time.
Turn into a slick, thick slime.
After you’ve hit your prime?
You’re done.
You’re garbage.
You’re finished, gone.
It’s a fact of life, now it’s time to move on.

This life we’re in, a selfish game we play
The cards we’re dealt, a hand that can’t fold
We’ll shift through scenery seeing a vast array
Of truths and lies that’ll always be told.

We hold onto beauty.
We treasure it.
We put it on a pedestal.
It is the God we adore,
The saint we praise,
The prayer we recite.
“If I’m this pretty, well…
At least I did something right”

We base self worth on looks.
The pool we bask in is shallow.
So easy to touch the bottom.
Vapid, almost worthless thoughts
Float along;
Skimming the surface
Where they seem to belong.

Scratch past that surface and what do you find?
Maybe a small girl, cowering with fear.
She makes herself perfect so the whole world is blind,
It’s her established façade that she holds so near

Near to her heart,
Near to her soul
She’s lost then she’s found
She’s so good at her role

Her role of the perfect,
Her role of the light,
Her role of the worthless
Her role with no fight.

She’s trapped in her box,
She’s chained to her arm
It’s a weight she can’t bear,
Only one to cause harm.

But go ahead, run away,
Run as FAST as you can.
We won’t catch you because you’re a worthless man.
That’s how you see yourself, so that’s who you are
When you’re sprinting away, you won’t get very far.

You’ll trip on your own,
You’ll fall over your feet.
Stumbling, tumbling
It’s you you’ve just beat.

Learn from this now,
Try to HEAR what I say.
Beauty’s the cruelest
Game that we play.

Off                   comes my slip, socks, sanity and an echo
Goes                 up my spine.  
The                   men
Film                  my sinking heart  
And                  dive into the  
Filth                  plastered against my mind without a thought  
Of                      what moments define me.
That                  girl who used to wear a  
Shirt                  embroidered with flowers and had a mother  
Making             her a meal with love is now working the  
Room               with what's left of her.
For                    -ward motion depicts nothing
More                 than bones and memories never cherished.

Blank mind
Eyes open
Intake everything
Or focus on a
Singular star.
Any number of
Profound and perfect things
Could be murmured right now
And etched into the
Night sky’s infinite existence
To dance with the stars

So I—
With hands cupped over mouth,
Eyes bleary from tears,
And hoarse voiced—
Whisper

“I’m so stupid”

And it was by far
The most insightful,
True,
And honest thing
I’ve ever said.